Yuletide: Warship

Mostly sailors an conscripted onto their floating death traps. Few do it as a lark, a look-see ’round the world. Doesn’t mean they can’t have a good time, but no one cares that they do.

Classic The Who explore the Cold War tensions with “Rael Pt.1 and Pt. 2.” In this rock opera, China threatens Israel with naval might. Now Captain, listen to my instructions: Return to this spot on Christmas Day, Look toward the shore for my signal. Will it be war? Townsend never finished this….

In Doug Stone’s hokey country “Sailing Home for Christmas” the troops are headed to a foreign shore. They’ll be home ONLY in their dreams. Psych! (Which war? You decide!)

Little Red Ambulance’s “Sailing Home for Christmas” rocks pop in a responsible way. Besides which the sailors have been gone for seven months and are honestly homeward bound in time for the holidays. Celebratory.

Yuletide: Hardship

Life at sea is not easy. There’s wet shoes, nausea, and death.

Dumpster Company worries about the dark, buoyancy, and cold when it’s “Christmas on a Boat.” This ’60s jazz band easy listening is a hoot and then some. Poor guys.

And then there’s seasickness: North Pole Fisherman’s Association treads water with “Check Below the Deck for Rollie.” To the tune of ‘Deck the Halls.’ Barf. (If you’re biting the whole parody album is available: A Fisherman’s Christmas Carols. It fills a niche.

Sting tackles classic poetry with “Christmas at Sea,” a regretful adventure into cold and covetousness. But the Celtic singers add an ethereal weirdness.

This same Robert Louis Stevenson poem, “Christmas at Sea,” receives a good turn from Neil Adam & Judy Turner. Sad strings, brave vocals, classically influence folk… this tough time is an enjoyable song. [For comparison, Rob Winder recites this bit with tragic musicality.]

Combining both of those approaches, The Longest Johns a cappella their “Christmas at Sea” like an oral tradition you’d best heed. Lessons here.

Yuletide: Grog

Sailors work hard for their pay, and a ration of rum. Do they overindulge given the chance?

“Christmas Card from a Drunken Sailor” is a gentle, almost soothing ballad from Rob Snarski. No F-bombs. Just regret.

“What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor Early Christmas Morning?” asks the Windy City Gay Chorus. Frivolity ensues. And side-taking.

Not to be out-twisted, Alexander P. treats us to “What Shall We Do with a Drunken Santa?” The steps differ, and the tempo runs crazy. [Less imaginative, but Bee-you-ti-fully sung comes the Tawny Shantymen version.] [Amped up comes The Georgia Tech Glee Club with a rapid retelling.]

Yuletide: Land Ho

Let’s bring ’round the professionals: sailors. For Christmas.

Skinny Lister has a hornpipe of no little merit hailing the setting of sail, and also of the return: Home again for Christmas “If the Gaff Don’t Let Us Down.” So big party when not drowned. It’s dance-inducing.

Homeward bound for the holidays, still the sailor spends Christmas in a harbor on the boat. Jeff Brown’s “Sailor’s Christmas” is nearly romantic, but the harsh harmonica in this breezy folk rock recalls us the hard times. (Yeah it’s Jimmy Buffett‘s song. So what.)

also on the way to land comes the indie/easy listening pop of “Sailor It’s Christmas Again” as posted by vandmalonogskid. Tubular bells, matey.

The Out of Tuna’s count time to “A Shanty’s Christmas.” It’s full of hope and is softly melodic for all its sailor-tom.

Yuletide: Castaway

If you have boat trouble, you might end up like Crusoe. Will that interrupt your Xmas plans?

Darlene Como’s drug-punk (either you need to be on drugs to ‘get it’–or it’s simply a drug induced rant) deals with a shipwreck scenario somewhere in “Seaweed Soup.” Xmassy? Dunno!

In “Santa’s Tropic Island Hideaway” Lipbone Redding tells us Santa is Swinging in a hammock just a Christmas castaway, so yeah your presents might be late. Growly blues pop.

In Dead Hot Workshop’s “Jesus Revisited,” however, the reason for the season would–today–be Sympathetic to the castaways on Gilligan’s Isle. So, blessings and grace at least. Impetuous alt-rock.

Suits is lonely and cold and wants to know “Do You Miss Me, Christmas?“ It won’t matter the words I say, So I’ll just be a castaway. So, doesn’t matter…? Bluesy pop.


Yuletide: Davy Jones’s Locker

Boats do many things well. Resting at the bottom of the sea it one. For Christmas.

Princess Ariel from Disney uses shanty-lite for “Christmas in the Ocean.” Buried treasure does make a good gift.

SpongeBob SquarePants uses doo wop to illustrate his “Wet Wet Christmas.” Splash squish. Better music!

Glad Host’s The Aquanauts do an experimental deep dive with “Christmas Underwater.” Dark and disturbing (throwing horses overboard!)!

“Sunken Letter” by The Christmas Band is a tragic turn of the mundanity of a sailor’s voyage made cruelly ironic by our knowledge of the title. Soft folk twists the knife.

Derivative (homage to ‘Octopus’), yet delightful, “Christmas Under the Sea” by Colin & AJ rocks and kidsong rolls with some alt-oddness. Fun (except for Lydia).

Yuletide: All Hands Lost

The same year The Titanic went down, so did the Christmas tree schooner Rouse Simmons. This was The Great Lakes, and the German tradition of trees for the holidays (free for the poor) was in full swing. The lore of this particular joy-bringer being lost has inspired many a sailor’s yarn.

Paul Behrend narrates and warbles “The Christmas Ship.” If you wanted to know what happened, poetical-like, here’s the folk-pop verzh.

True folk from Dan Hildebrand, “The Ballad of the Christmas Tree Ship” focuses on the scary, wet storm as well as the wet, washed up trees.

The Patrick Brothers attempt pathos by stretching out every syllable and note in the folky “The Christmas Ship.” The flute makes it ghostly, too. But it becomes maudlin.

Mike Aiken applies more pop to his Carib maritime melody “Christmas Schooner.” It’s all upbeat here. Nobody sinks. The music, on the other hand, causes sleepiness.

Oh Papa, come look, shanties Lee Murdock in “The Christmas Ship.” The glory of the great sailing actually overshadows the tragedy here, a fine memorial.

Novelty relief oars in from Claire Margaret Corlett who only wants to kill herself “This Christmas Eve.” The flapper-style jazz is a cute contrast to lyrics like: I wanna slit my throat, or get eaten by a goat, Or tie myself up and drown slowly in a boat. (Ha ha?)

Yuletide: Boat Names

Some boats are pretty famous. They can have Xmas, or the holiday which might allude to that christened craft.

The Animaniacs will never stop in the pursuit of a shaggy dog punchline. Stay with them in their “Noel Song” as Pequod’s Ahab looks for the white whale. No whale, no whale, we ain’t seen no whale….

The Olson Bros Band wonder how you can be “So Cold on Christmas.” Like Jack in ‘The Titanic’ bombing into that iceberg, these guys were blindsided by your harsh holiday breakup. Dorm rock.

Street cred from the slang of “Ain’t Christmas Without You,” but Leroy Sanchez’s cheesy pop about missing you sinks this mess. Even though, when he DOES finally see you: I’d run all about and kiss you Titanic style. Like an iceberg?

“Christmas in a College Town” by George González makes hay with this (apparent?) oxymoron. Can’t do it! Like trying to turn The Titanic around…. More indie, but thoughtful and smart.

Yuletide: 227.21 in Roget’s

Other types of boats can get up to holiday hiking as well.

All Together Now use “Christmas in the Ark” as an excuse to teach us holiday togetherness (no actual masses for Christ in the times of Noah, y’see). Righteous pop.

“What Ship is This?” is the Smash Tacklers butchering ‘Three ships’ to the tune of ‘Greensleeves.’ Answer: dunno.

MOR calypso from Alan Littlefield paints a white-people paradise in the form of “Christmas on a Yacht.” Service!

David Goody wants a rip off of ‘Die Hard.’ So he sings “Die Hard on a Boat.” To ‘Feliz Navidad’ he skewers the action movies of the ’80s he deems are mere shadows of the original. You know, the Christmas movie. [BTW, it’s ‘Under Siege’… or ‘Speed 2’.]

Yuletide: Canoe Help Me

Santa may not just deliver by any old skiff at sea. In “Christmas Island” you are advised: Wait for Santa to sail in with your presents in a canoe. (I might prefer Ella to Leon this time only.) Island pop.

The Surfers sing out “Here Comes Santa Claus in a Red Canoe” like they’re auditioning for Sing Along with Mitch. Easy listening (‘I say, old bean‘) with some slack guitar.

Edward Littlefield stretches ‘Three Ships’ out of shape for “I Saw Canoes,” a Tlingit adaptation to honor family. Or something.

D. P. Weisemann stretches vocals to send us his “Canoe,” an indie transcendence of the holidays. Whoa.

Nightheart wins me over with the camp-song “Christmas Canoe.” Simplicity can make novelty that much better. Bravo.