Baby It’s Coal: ore not

We’re well out of coal for Christmas ideas for novelty songs, so let’s say NO to coal.

Les Barons slow bluesrocks ‘a Krampus song’ about how there’ll be “No Coal in My Stocking Tonight.” This psychological investigation into what you think of him is a bit scary.

Chandra Knudsen gets emo maudlin about getting YOU “Instead of Coal.” She doesn’t seem to believe in Xmas, but she ranges her pop all over the folk chords diva-style.

Baby It’s Coal: the opera

A ’90s gang of Philly musicians joined warped minds to skewer Christmas music. They took a while to rise above door-to-door cassette sales, but i highly recommend you lay your hands on whatever Hot Buttered Elves released, regardless of roster.

Coal” is their 11 minute opus (apparently in several parts) about the ins and outs of striking black rock for the holidays. At times instrumental (haunted symphonic) at others experimental club (haunting beat poetry). Grab a cup o’ joe and settle back for this one. It’ll take you places you never dreamt. See you on the other side.

Baby It’s Coal: you was hoping for diamonds maybe?

The opportunity to squeeze treasure out of dirt ought to occur to more musicians taking on the ol’ coal for Christmas routine… but it’s just more metaphor.

Sampling old Xmas shows Jon Pablo’s “If I Get Coal for Christmas I’m Making Diamonds” is just an experimental stroll down musical possibilities. Certainly it’s fun, but not novelty.

LA’s drag Cavern Club Theater put on a little mucial revue around ’09 (entitled ‘JESUS CHRIST! It’s Christmas!’). The number here “Coal in Your Stocking” gets ugly, but Tammie Brown fronts The Boofant Sisters with vim and vigor to (attempt to) bring down the house with this show slower.

Baby It’s Coal: what?

Coal dust induced music for Christmas might be a punishment, but let’s listen to the weirdness of the 21st Century taking on Santa’s wrath.

Deathray Davies squeeze ’70s pop for all the irony they can in “I Got Coal.” Apparently a deal with the devil displeases Kringle. Jaunty oddness.

Passing critical on mankind “Santa Gave Me Coal” is a cry for global help from Inward Chills. Anything but that! Funky folk fun.

Industrial techno does a little something for me, so have you met “You’re Getting Coal for Christmas” by Professional Wrestling? This is a warning of sorts as we’ve already sampled, but the repetition without relief, the mechanization of music, and the ultra creepy puppet footage raises this to masterful commentary on Western Civ.

Baby It’s Coal: or is it?

After listening to too many songs about coal for Christmas, i begin to think it might be just a catchphrase or cliche, like ‘dog tired.’ It may just be some more noise to stitch lyrics together.

Skumbags’ “Coal in My Stocking” suffers from poor recording quality, but i think boys just wanna have punk. This song is about how rotten life is. So maybe the metaphor plays well.

Unoway seems also to be bitching, but the electronic smuzhup of rap and R+B in “Coal for Christmas” is just background moodscape for a desperate make out session.

Baby It’s Coal: missing you

You’re gone, you even left a note, so my Christmas is black and flakes off at the brittle parts.

Kyle Andrews (as one of The Bands Under the Radar) pop wails “I Don’t Want a Lump of Coal.” He does want your love. But he’s got to sing, doesn’t he?

Mumbling grief, gargling musicality, Andor wishes everything will be all right with the garage weirdness of “Coal for Christmas.” Nothing makes sense without you.

Dfonte borrows from ’90s UK melodic-harmonic jittery pop for the breathy “Coal for Christmas.” Seems they want to ‘keep the fire burning in your heart,’ despite you having left a year before. Love the emo beat.

Baby It’s Coal: heartbroken

Apparently coal in your Xmas Stocking is comparable to being broken up with. Something something metaphor no toys. I guess.

Rob Endo folks and rocks “Coal Stockings” with a fairly upbeat loneliness. It’s a party when you’re with someone else too.

Winner of a country station Xmas song “Coal in Your Stocking This Year” details the naughtiness of your breakup as told by Tyler Barham with such gentle tones it makes me wonder what happened to country music? It’s all Hallmark Channel saccharine now.

Baby It’s Coal: you ain’t seen nothing yet

Dare ye to threaten willful kinder with coal for Xmas!? They’ll stack up the attacks to high to measure, is what they will. So i hear.

Shenanigans galore from Paul Mills who power country picks out “Santa Left Me a Lump of Coal” a la Ray Stevens tomfoolery. Please don’t take notes, kids.

Also targeting St. Nick, Eric Eaton throws manners to the wind with his indirect request to Santa in “Coal for Christmas.” Santa my not love them (he’s been caught being bad his own dirty self), but the blues licks light me up.

Ben Smith’s jazzy picking protagonist never met a rule he could abide. Wide berth now for this ragtime wrong-doing roster: “Coal for Christmas.” Here we go!

Baby It’s Coal: yeah! right!

Celebrating the brattiness, kids might beg for coal for Christmas. Reverse psychology or sociopathy–you decide!

Coal in My Stocking” tops the bluegrass list of Williamson Branch. Children want to help their po’ miner Daddy. Kids sing the darnedest things.

Novelty pyjammaed gramma Beverly Smith kidsongs “I’m Getting Coal for Christmas.” In it she belabors the bad-boy antics that brought about this quid pro quo. A cry for help, or for the cops?

Driving the point home, Ed the Dread repeats “I Want Coal for Christmas” to a lick he learned on his new electric guitar. Rock and–well, just rock.