Month: March 2019

Final Ultimate Closing Kaputness (BLUE ALERT)

Whew, it’s a long month. Let’s shovel some more swearin’ treasures of Christmas songs into the posts post haste.

lil aaron over-modulates his boyband playfulness into an elctro “Fuck Christmas.” Pop breathlessness worthy of the Disney channel.

Harder rock from Mikey Galactic who wants his “Fuck Christmas” to include everyone. You too. Aw, i didn’t curse him anything.

Joe Goes may have watched too many Epic Rap Battles. “Merry F’ing Christmas – by Jesus and Santa” a hip hop comic duel wherein J-boi is the voice of reason, Kris the K a ragin’ colonic of a ‘coholic

The Fuck Off and Dies have a short pithy holiday metal greeting in song form “Merry Fucking Christmas.” They didn’t just sign it, they mean it.

Cutely off key The Jet Boys garage the roof with “Merry Christmas, Fuck You.” Everyone all together!

Fatherly Universality Chris Kringle (BLUE ALERT)

The omniscient, omnipresent judge of us all (with a name we can spell however we like, he’s okay with that), Saint Nick, represents the holiday perhaps more than that other guy. So he gets all the dirty blame for our depressing disappointments.

Bubbles & The Shitrockers gently honky tonks the hell out of the trailer trash tragedy that is hope for the lower classes. “Dear Santa Claus (Go Fuck Yourself)” tells it like beer goggles see it.

Bob Noxious throws music hall around the punk shop to holler “Fuck Off Santa.” Lest you think he’s hasty, check out his prequel of Santa antics in the ‘Bells’ inspired horrorshow “Where’s Me Fuckin’ Sherry?” Even for a Blue Alert this is graphic.

Motown checks in with jennyinstereo who pulls no effin’ punches with “Fuck You (Santa).” Damn girl. Harsh.

Farming Unrelated Curs Kenneled (BLUE ALERT)

Overall, the hate aimed at Christmas flails a wide brush. Can we get more specific? Which aspect of the holidays spurred yer cursing? Well?

Well, we’ve investigated some of these heretofore. Tin Can Bros “F***ing Christmas Sweater” is sure pop music swell. Sure can’t fault the flute! And Kyle Dunnigan’s “Fuck You, Mistletoe!” is country catastrophe of the comic kind. Wild. I laugh every time i hear ’bout the ‘Sloppy Joe.’

Fortress of Attitude strums the folk tremulo to tell us “It’s Fucking Cold Outside.” It’s on their Christmas album (& it’s funny), so okay.

Big Sub-o (feat. Jim Dandy) raps wise against the economic constraints of the damned holy-day with “Fuck a Tree.” (Santa’s vilified as well.)

Okay, here’s what we’ve been waiting for. From ‘Another Fucking Christmas Play: A Fucking Musical’ comes “Another Fucking Christmas Song” by the original cast (feat. Eric Branget). Ah, the ennui. It is to kill us! (But until then, can anyone get me tickets?!)

Facts Uplift Charles Kuralt

Not EXACTLY Xmas, that time of the year can result in invective to color a sailor’s cheeks. (No, i don’t mean Chanukah… we covered that already.) Listen, just listen:

Xmas Socks (what a band name!) outcry their concerns with “Fuck Idolatry.” Who took the bleep out of bleeping bleepmas?

Matt Owens brings us back to church with an epic ballad “One Fuck of a Year,” a Christmas-adjacent retrospective of headache and regret. Keep the lessons a hunnert, man. And–puppies!

Then there’s the TOO-EARLY celebration. Doug Walker is back (The Nostalgic Critic) with a show tune warning us off the “Holiday Clusterf**k,” that chilly quarter of the year from equinox to solstice. It’s not Christmas, it’s business! Who knew corporations could be so unkind?

Frolicsome Uninhibited Calliope Knells (BLUE ALERT)

Dysphemism and Christmas needn’t be cacophonous. Nay nay! Let’s try on some sugar-coated songs with less than parliamentary language.

I guess ‘cuz i like the rock and the roll i find Fear’s “Fuck Christmas” euphonious. Sue me. It’s short.

The Mr. T Experience stadiums up the garage anthem with “Merry Fucking Christmas,” a positive greeting of some warmth. And beer.

Austin Litz injects a modicum of calypso into easy listening with the funny “Fuck You Christmas.” Swinging, soothing, sarcastic soft jazz. And the sleigh you rode in on.

Poppy neutered harmonica on Andrew Giachetti’s “It’s Fucking Christmas Time” too fun to miss. Don’t.

“Fucking Hating Christmas” is a winsome pop musing from Gary Agg that won me over quite a bit. I just listened to it again.

Jason Bieler’s Owl Stretching have a bone to pick with the calendar (its days are numbered!). “Fuck You It’s Christmas” is a newage folk protest about the meanness of the masses. Christ! (But it’s pretty.)

Amping up like ’70s party rock, Rollercoaster X sneaks in the fulminations with “A Merry Fucking Christmas to You.” In the nicest way possible, thank you.

Festering Underclass Common Knuckleheads (BLUE ALERT)

‘Cross the pond, class anger is much more punk than urban. Oh yes, both suffer from narcissistic infantilism and drunken outrage, but Brit anti-establishmentarianism is so AGAINST the mercantile capitalism. Not socialist, per se, more anarchist. Which is just a linguistic step away from anti-Christ. So boo on his birthday.

Thorazine backbeats the hell out of “Merry Stupid *ucking Christmas.” It’s a song only a pierced oy boy could love. Gotta pogo to it, though, guv.

The Destructors play rage like a brand in “Merry Xmas & Fuck Off.” Catchy, but a bit empty on the inside.

Cherry2000 upload a bit of the old electronica to their “Merry Fucking Christmas” clashtastic caroling. Parsley?!

Tankard plays “Fuck Christmas” full of righteous self indignation. A family round to be screamed just before Santa is shot down. Charming.

Fatherless Urban Crypt Keepers (BLUE ALERT)

We’ve slapt the rap up one side of the wellspring of profanity and down the motherfunding other. There’s always room for more boxed in ghetto rage. ‘Specially for the holidayz.

Fortunato climbs the rhymes over bitches, riches, and absinthes with “Fuck Christmas.” It’s smarter than the average dawg.

The slow roll from Earl Sweatshirt, Tyler The Creator, Hodgy Beats harmonize the quiet crazy Xmas madness. “Fuck This Christmas” is not a song so much as a manifesto. Find me an exit!

Fabolous fronts the part, but as part of Funny or Die “I Don’t F*#k with Christmas” is a rappin’ carol of selfish childishness. I’m thinking funny hip hop, but… overall die.

Fiddlin’ Ugly Cousins Kissing

Common talk for common folk, some of the best cussin’ is from our cousins in the backwoods. They got the time to guttertalk the holidays. What else they going to do–get jobs?

Grampa with an agenda Chip Taylor calls all y’all on the hypocrisy of Christ’s day with yer shopping and sipping and ignoring the poor. “Merry F’n Christmas” sticks with the euphemism of the single letter, while drawling out slow country molasses guitar. Preach: Jesus light up that trailer park.

Sounding like every other song, with a minor twang, Flat Earth Man presents “Fuck Christmas.” There’s anal, ammo… not so much with the amusement, though. That’s no joke.

Country’s bastard, country rock, can fill stadiums, but The Rugburns bring the garage to their “I Hate Christmas,” a noisy noisome complaint about stickin’ your dick in anything that moves. Take a bow, gentlemen.

Females Understand Carole King (BLUE ALERT)

Cursing is a jolly boys’ game. But girls can play, too. Women bear a significant load of Christmas jeer.

Let’s not overlook boys AS girls with DWV (Detox, William, & Vicky Vox) gettin’ jiggy wit’ it (or certainly suckin’ on it) for “That Christmas Song.” Nasty as they wanna be, boys.

Kim Wilde fronts Lawnmower Deth for a British rollicking prog metal “Fuck You Christmas.” Jolly that, wot?