Let’s return to those thrilling days of yesteryear when a precocious tyke slinging a pop tune wasn’t creepy at all! Gayla Peevey encores “77 Santas” for us with all seriousness (and no tiaras) attached.
Month: June 2022
Christmas Countdown: 78
I can’t seem to tire of Martin Rivas’s haunting alt-folk “Another Christmas 78rpm.” Transcending, man.
Cold enough for you? “Hanukkah in Santa Monica” gets a gospel update from Mike Barnett (feat. Allie Kramer) and now names the temp: a crisp 78!
The other day it dropped to 78 I’m kind of cold, brags “Florida Christmas.” To the Handel chorus Kj-52 X Jonah cleverly disputes your preconceived notions and raps in the holidays, playful-like.
Christmas Countdown: 80*
Insistent soul from Sunny lists the wants, including an 80″ screen TV. “Sunny Christmas” seems satisfying, at least materially.
Waka Flocka Flame machine-gun-raps “Grinch” about Gucci had stole 80 pounds–but it’s reefer, brah. Not cool. Now there’s no tree.
“Christmas on Interstate 80” is a juke joint country story from 5 Chinese Brothers. It’s as sad and as hopeful as you’d imagine.
Bish bash bong woo! We’ll be loving Christmas Day Oh, when we’re 80–or so says the headache-inducing pop of Girls Aloud in “I Wanna Kiss You so (Christmas in a Nutshell).” All i want for Christmas is my two Excedrin.
There are roughly 80 Christmases in a lifetime, begins “Adult Christmas” by Moon Moon Moon. This reflective alt-pop emotional exploration is BLUE ALERT brutal so strap in.
Legit country folk from Sofia Tolvak might redeem the whole mess. “One Last Christmas Wish” comes from when you’re eighty years old and you can still remember the love of your life around the tree. ‘Scuse me a moment….
Christmas Countdown: 80˙
Brad Brewer is south of the Georgia line “A Palm Tree at Christmas.” This country folk is homespun and home-recorded. Kinda rocks, though.
Also deeply South (and warm) Craig Croker Jr. gently strums and folks and pop of “It’s a LowCountry Christmas.” I just about smell it….
Eighty degrees in The Keys is the least of Grandpa C’s problems. Featured in The Christmas Workshop Band Jingles’s “White Christmas Dream,” the rapping oldster is stuck in a horrible holiday loop. Don’t let it catch you. But, if it does, Pass the beer.
Also Floridian, Artie N croons the pop “Xmas in the Sun,” a Calypso-adjacent chill party. Not sure why he’s pretending Mexico–guess 80 isn’t warm enough.
On the other coast, “Boost Christmas” is much more Caribbean (?!?) from SUPERCHARGED (feat. Kwanza Jones & Matty). Pop bubblegum party spew.
Palm Beach is the high pitched pop squealing second-best for Kara Colvin “‘Til I’m Home.” If you can’t be where you want to be be where you are… i guess.
Christmas Countdown: 83
83 is still too warm during “Christmas Time in L.A.” for Chanté Moore. R+B about how beautiful it is in the sand. But i’m not not seduced by the pop rhythms. Could this be R&B ironic??
Malinda offers to Test every strand of lights and drape the tree in 83 ways for her “(Im)perfect Christmas.” Smokey jazz and bluesy wiles about how cool it is to be kinda dumb. Brrr.
83 years is the sentence in “Rudolph’s Story.” Jae Trxpp raps the Xmas tale old as time ’bout the two homeboys who accidentally shoot a kid, split the loot, get greedy, shoot one another, recover, lay low, then snitch. Sing along.
Christmas Countdown: 84
“Colorado Christmas” makes a comeback from it’s posting back in 2015. The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band is at its most poetic here poking fun at California. Looking out the window of this Hollywood Hotel You’d never know that it was Christmas Eve. The billboards and the neon took the place of silver bells And the temperture is 84 degrees. Still too warm, boys.
“Miracle on 84th Street” takes Santa uptown with some rockin’ stylings a la I Don’t Know Margo. Crazy.
Christmas Countdown: 85
Isn’t 85 warm enough for equatorial Xmas? “Santa’s Going South for Christmas” sings Sammy Hagar with appropriate American rock about leaving the freeze and going to Mexico where the temp is mid-eighties.
Joey + Rory get more country rock with “Let It Snow (Somewhere Else).” Somewhere in the islands, it’s more’n warm.
A form of reggae rap livens Social Club Misfits’ “Christmas in Florida.” How you gon drive in the snow Wait …it’s Florida girl it’s 85 degrees.
Arthur Ray gets all slo-mo with his rapping “Christmas in Houston.” Whole lot more descriptive, too: Carolers on Texas Ave sangin’ “White Christmas” 85 degrees, hoes is sweet tea sipping G’s in they slabs got they 4-4s tippin’ Grippin’ wood grain with the candy paint drippin’. Uh, Blue-ish Alert.
The Dan Band notes no snow ’cause it’s 85 degrees (when it drops down to 70 people think they’re gonna freeze). “Christmas Time in California” is like that. Ironic boy band silliness.
Whew, let’s cool it down with ADHD (Animation Domination High Definition). Heather Anne Campbell’s Scientifically Accurate series takes on “Santa Claus” with a whole pile of numbers (speed of Santa, size of craters where he lands), but ends with 85%–the measure of countries WITHOUT child labor laws (who make the toys, not the elves). To the tune of ‘Coming to Town’ get ready to be offended, grossed out, and (perhaps) educated.
Christmas Countdown: 87
Deep South country also gets hot in the winter. “White Christmas” is what Amber DeLaCruz doesn’t have. 87 degrees driving ATVs through the pine trees is more like it.
Christmas Countdown: 90
Set the car blinker at 90BPM to get drunk on the front lawn, rambles the random garage “Happy Winter Solstice” from Parking Lots. It’s Christmas, but it’s a mess. Like life, y’know, man.
Oh, yeah, and California NEVER gets seasonal. “Malibu Kind of Christmas” notes the heat (in the shade!), with the surfer rock The Malibooz make so cool. Check it.
But, you WANT it hot? Not sure where this takes place (Not LA, they say) but, They say it’s gonna be 90 or more! “Won’t Someone Please Tell the Weatherman It’s Christmas” yodel the honky tanking 42nd Street Singers. Is it climate change?
Don’t forget, North Earthers, The Southern Hemisphere celebrates 12/25 too. It’s hot there, though.The Frights point that out with their rocking “Christmas Everyday.” Along with Budweiser boxers, great apple pie recipes, and a peach candle. Paw-tee!
Christmas Countdown: 92
To kids from 1 to 92 is the demographic for Nat King Cole (and everyone else)’s ‘The Christmas Song.’ Not going to rerun that. AND most parodies don’t include the numbers…
The ’60s Invasion alludes to this range in their “Come On People (Have a Merry Christmas).” Only the finest in rock parodies for y’all.
But “Deez Nuts Resting” is a spoken word jumble from The Total Chaos Effect that’s both gutsy and nasty BLUE ALERT. The women he’s willing to lay is from 18 to 92.
Then there’s homespun For Iven’s proselytizing “Chestnuts Roasting Parody,” which does a more decent joke-pull on this subject.