Presents of Mine: the gift card, you lazy bastard

When you don’t know what they want, when you don’t have the time, when you don’t care–

Big bald whiteys Super Secret Project beg you not to get them crappy presents. To Pachelbel’s Canon in D minor SSP go all in with “Cash or a Gift Card.” Not that’s a carol.

Some live it and love it. Kyle’s Xmas is a show sponsored by Colorado Public Radio. This year he brags it’s gonna be a “Gift Card Christmas.” The reason for the season.

Black Jesus is sending you love telling you to “Open up the Gift Card.” BJ54321 means it from the bottom of the envelope.

Lil Poverty Angels return with the problem “Who Took My Christmas Gift Card?BLUE ALERT Not playing. Rap.

Thao Nguyen (with Maria Bamford) gets really country over the dilemma of “The Gift Card Song.” The illogic of it all!

The Snake Oil Willie Band make a fun joke out of “Gift Card.” Bouncy rockabilly excuses.

Presents of Mine: what do you want me to say?

Reactions to bad presents vary: disappointment, disappointment, rage, disappointment.

Okay, and light regret. Marc Sardou visits the materialistic guilt that might make you a nongiftarian in “What Gifts You See.” I’m not falling for this humanitarianism!

Another Taylor Swift parody (‘Bad Blood’) twisted into”Bad Gift.” Thanks, Bella Godiva.

What you really want to do is “Keep the Receipt (This Christmas).” The Bad Detectives go folk rock classy and make me tap the toe. You should be writing this down….

Lil Poverty Angels are back with “Fake Reactions to Bad Christmas Gifts.” Spoken this time. Then “How to Return Christmas Gifts.” Finally “Infamous Christmas Regifters.” Life hacks!

Certainly those are better than the drawling doddering Bob Blake with attempted country music in “Christmas Gift Returns.” I’d like to exchange this song, please.

Garfunkle and Oates get gnarly with “Present Face.” Knowing them, this is like orgasm face but worse. Sprightly folk.

Presents of Mine: so bad

What’s worse than NO presents for Christmas? Bad presents. Some givers just have a knack.

Of course, the classic here is the comic parody “The Twelve Gifts of Christmas” by Allan Sherman. Surely you’ve heard this one. And all that other stuff.

Annoying Orange you might suppose gives terribly, just as it sings “Christmas is for Giving” terribly. Kidsong crap.

The stupid techno song apparently is “This is Your Crappy Christmas Present.” Cosmicity. Now dance.

A Taylor Swift parody i’ve used before (‘Blank Space’) addresses the “Bad Gift.” Free Beer Productions try their best.

Whit Hill deliver us unto wonderful bluegrass with “Jasper’s Worst Christmas.” Pajamas!! (Yet, the brat deserved no less.)

BLUE ALERT Lil Poverty Angels work the system with “Bounced Checks as Christmas Gifts.” Electro-rap with an edge.

Stars from the Nick channel appear in a holiday special of some comic merit preaching how “Bad Giftin’ Grannies” are what you deserve, you thoughtless punks. Pop hip hop.

Axis of Awesome present the jazz showtune “What a Terrible Gift” like a piano bar downer. What a Great song.

Presents of Mine: nope

No presents! For Christmas! Call my lawyer!

Hypothetically, is it Christmas? James Kyllo larfs it up with the pop music hall “[Christmas isn’t Christmas Without] Presents.” Even if the shopping drives us mad.

Even more British is the ska beat up “Driving Home for Christmas (Presents).” What? Forgot ’em?! The Thyme Machine illustrates the drama amusingly.

Maybe you just can’t find ’em. Childish ‘Rudolph’ parody “Where did They Hide My Presents?” is for children by Alan Katz. Settle down, kids.

21 Santa whips out his parody and chases down the naughty list to tell them “No Gifts.” Hip hop.

More naughtiness judged by Paul Mauled and The Furious Elves. “Santa Don’t Bring Gifts to Assholes.” Melodious garage rock.

Metal from King Diamond and Holy Grail crow “No Presents for Christmas.” Same song, different lead ins. They’d just set those presents on fire anywho.

The original tear jerking “The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot” hails from Phyllis Robins. Light jazz with excessive orchestration. Wait, my face is leaking.

Much More Upbeat, riddim from Nicole David dances out “No Gift.” See, she got busy. Check later.

David Myles has to suffer ever year because “Santa Never Brings Me a Banjo.” Light, fluffy enjoyable bluegrass.

An amazing Christmas song, rivalling ‘Fairytale in New York,’ comes from The Hive & Cyndi Lauper. What terrible people in “A Christmas Duel.” What dirty secrets. No presents! No! Get away from me.

Recalling Devo, Yulenog hollers “I Want Presents!” only to be told No–again and again. It’s just a matter of waiting for the right time, but –oh okay booboo. Alt-pop.

Presents of Mine: i’m shaking to open up

What’s in that Xmas box? WHAT IS IT? Feel it, heft it, shake it! Open it!

A wonderful parody i’ve shared earlier is the Spaff master Dave Rudolf pranking us with “What Present’s This?” No tag? But, it’s enormous! Mine!

Less decipherable is the electronic metal of Kiwi in “What’s in the Present Box?” What a mash up!

Kidsong wants to ruin the fun with proper behavior in music. “Don’t Shake the Presents” by Gerry and The Crocodettes warns about spoiler alerts or some such humbuggery. Faw. Pretty good ragtimey rock.

Little Wrapped Gift” from Rough Shop harmonizes some kid folk about impatience. Nice.

Another gutbuster for me is Toby Turner riffing on the Creed ‘Arms Wide’ song with “Who Opened the Presents.” Damn i like this one. (Some censoring for your viewing comfort.)

Less hilario is Jayden Rodrigues with “Open Presents Time” to Gangnam Style. Yeah.

Cool jazz from Kevin Kammeraad and Friends about “Opening Gifts.” They were in a hurry and (even with scat interlude) got ’em opened in one minute.

Presents of Mine: finally

The presentation is that moment when you get handed that precious parcel, when you come face to face with that dream in colorful paper/bag… ahhh… HERE WE GO.

A song about specific gifts for specific people should be presented on this blog another day. But “Gift of the Magi” from Squirrel Nut Zippers is all about the presentation/opening. SPOILER ALERT: it’s an O. Henry story. Drowsy bluegrass. So sad.

Murray Webster has a 30 second fanfare of dixieland proportions in “A Christmas Gift is Waiting for You.” You could make it the ringtone of the phone you wrapped, then call it when you want it opened. Or something.

The coolest ta-da present song is the bluegrass breakdown “Your Christmas Gift” by Steve Ivey. I highly recommend you play it from the next room as you ceremoniously approach with the item in question. (Unless your offering can’t live up to this build up.)

Presents of Mine: choose blues

What’s a holiday season without regret? Let those blues come out to play!

Jimmy Reed from 1971 adds some funk to the blues and gets mushmouthed for “Christmas Present Blues.” He’s upset about you, baby. Show some ‘preciation, honey.

In the 1920s rap sounded different. The Rev. A.W. Nix represents how “Death May be Your Christmas Present.” I mention it, ‘cuz it’s on quite the original blues collection album.

Screwing with the genre, Wheels Fargo & The Nightengale get Cajun honkytonk swing for their “Christmas Present Blues.” Infidelity!

Presents of Mine: po’ verty BLUE ALERT

Feeling guilty yet? Let me help. Not everyone can afford Christmas. I don’t mean the fools who overspend, i mean po’ folks. What do they give/get?

DL Menard riles up a zydeco lilt with “No Christmas for the Poor.” It’s Cajun French so you won’t bum out.

Paul Kramer leans hard on that fiddle to describe his “Low Budget Christmas.” Making our own gifts, but how can bluegrass be sad?

Bad news for the family with a country downbeat. “The Gift I Can Return” is a new kind of gift from Dad to kids: moralizing, self righteous, better-than-thou love. GIVE IT!

Maudlin bluegrass from Rocky Zharp tells us about “Grandpa King’ S Last Gift.” A fitting legacy in a two dollar bill.

Michael J Thoma gets more trembly about the poor boy in church who sings “I Have No Gifts,” alluding to the Drummer Kid, natch, but resulting in a country kickstarter so the kid made dolladolla.

Weepy for can’t-pay-the-bills love, Randy Beard prays for “The Christmas Gift,” the gift of their child understanding he won’t get anything. The peripeteia is a three hankie alert!

Let’s turn that frown upside down into a profanity-laden spew! Your Favorite Martian raps out “Santa Hates Poor Kids!” BLUE ALERT Fight the N. Pole!

Presents of Mine: hanukkah detour

You think Christmas presents are tough? Hanukkah is an octuple toughie!

Mark worries what to get his mom in “Mom’s Hanukkah Song.” This is bitter folk sibling rivalry, trying to make the gift of this song better than what brother Matt got her. I’m Team Mark! (He’s a great accountant, so i forgive the mudslinging.)

Don Cooper worries about what he wants in “My Hanukkah Gift” with fun kidsong folk with kid back up. Seems like he mostly hopes he doesn’t break all the presents by the time it’s over.

Elissa Oppenheim Shreiner & Sunnie Miller stir up the supsense with the slow kidsong “Eight Little Presents.”

More reverentially Troy Mitchell, Max Vitullo sing in Hebrew & English for “Simple Hanukkah Gifts” (Nods to that shaker song ‘Simple Gifts.’) Beautiful.

David Rael regales the gifts he got last Chanukah, but seems to be looking down his nose at the cheapness of the loot with the britpop showstopper “Your Stocking’s Filled with Candy, But a Pencil Sharpener’s Handy.”

Presents of Mine: who dat for

The perfect gift aligns like love for just the right individual. Like when kids give you their lucky rock and beam proudly like it was a miracle.

Professor Steve has more than one relative when he ponders “A Present for My Uncle.” Kid bluegrass. It’s that kind of humor.

Imagination Movers suggest a Thank You, Kiss on the Cheek, or Read a Story when you “Give a Gift.” Cheap kids!  Wired up (Disney) kidrock.

Children with no money problems like Eloise from the 1950s books give more profligately. “Christmas Gifts from Eloise” is a jazzy showtune that misses 1% arrogance by THAT much.

Children with no logical relationship with the world (Curious George) give more insanely. Flying cars, yellow things, self-fastening pants… it never ends in “The Gift Song (Something as Special as You)” by Ken Stacey.

Staying silly, Lana Rae admits “I Bought My Catahoula a Goldfish” for Christmas. Pets for pets. Hope he feeds it. Antic kidsong.

The Cricketones give a financial directive with lots of big band yelling in “I’ve Got 18 Cents.” Seems like the tree gets the best present. (Smoking Mom and Dad get what they deserve.)