Dependent Claus: superstar

Clearly the best novelty Christmas song about Mrs. Santa Claus is the German Expressionistic tour-de-force from Soshana Bean. “Surabaya – Santa” is a journey of origin, romance, jealousy, abandonment, resentment, payback, manic-depression, humiliation, and evolution. Jason Robert Brown’s Off-Broadway 1995 musical ‘Songs for a New World’ offers a revue of mad masterpieces including this rando operetta. Holy mother.

Dependent Claus: if that mockery won’t sing

You know you’ve made it when they parody you. Mrs. Claus has a couple song spoofs in her honor.

‘Greensleeves’ is sorta kinda Christmas, and it’s the lead-in for “Playing Mrs. Claus.” This showtune is about the out-of-work actress gig no one wants as portrayed by Natasha Barnes. If you’ve seen ‘A Christmas Story’ you know the tone.

Obvi, “Me and Mrs. Claus” the take on Billy Paul’s ‘Me and Mrs. Jones’ redoubles the hat mama-ness of that granny. I know this from Bob Rivers and have used it before. But Mmm did it a few years earlier than him.

Third Bass does an unrecognizable parang wild run at the whole thing.

‘Stacy’s Mom’ by Fountains of Wayne gets a loop de loop with Bob Ricci’s “Mrs. Claus.” This is a dead ringer for a ‘Weird’ Al bit, albeit deadpan adultery.

Dependent Claus: metaphor

Mrs. Claus is such an institution she’s a symbol for the capable woman. Well, she should be that and not some taken-for-granted chained-to-the-kitchen housefrau.

The Brit indie rock band Swim Deep spawned the group Ginger and the odder than pop “Don’t Shave for Me Mrs. Claus” in which the transgender decide how to present using the original woman in the shadows.

The Travis Waltons alt garage the weirdness of “Mrs Claus” comparing her to the girlfriend, who makes him feel cold but Christmassy. And he’s sick of you. What?!

I Wanna be Mrs. Claus” is some cry for help from daddy issues or something. Starlet Knight is dedicated to the cause, but swings it cool.

Lil Jackie’s funk fueled ‘9 to 5’ tribute claims she’s as good as “Mrs. Claus.” She can damwell sing circles around her, that’s for sure. Here here.

Dependent Claus: supplantin’ Santa

Can Mrs. Claus do everything Santa can do, backwards in heels? Listen.

Shirley Booth in ‘The Year Without Santa Claus’ represents the Mrs.’s realization that “I Could be Santa Claus.” So there. Showtune styled.

Hani Stempler tells the showtune kidsong “Here Comes Mrs. Santa Claus,” about the time he couldn’t so she had to. Three cheers for filling his shoes.

Larry Nestor leads the fun when Santa was down, the elves were too small, and “It was Mrs. Claus!” who saved the day. She can drive, so hooray. Showtune swing.

The Mrs. Saved Christmas” is kidrap from Aloe Blacc wherein she drives, commands, and delivers. And she rescues the stuck fat sack as well.

When they start writing to her, you know Santa matters less. The Brymers have composed “Dear Mrs. Santa Claus” with kiddie jazziness to ask the real questions about that guy. Does he like to sing? Now i wanna know.

Lala Deaton warns the neglected “Dear Mrs. Claus” with jump blues that she needs the credit of getting her name in a song. ‘Cause she does stuff, you know. The video loves itself with extra wacky comic bits, but the song is smooth.

Dependent Claus: knees together

Perhaps the novelty Christmas songs have gone too far tracing Mrs. Claus’s moral turpitude. What about the maturer wife of Santa?

[Sidebar: have to spend another minute or eight for Mark Arnett’s Santa’s lament “I Miss You Most at Christmas (Now That You are Dead).” Here’s the entire comedy skit with Eugene Claus processing his grief. The actual song starts three and a half minutes in. Guess she’s not a sex symbol dead.]

Mrs. Claus in Menopause” is that amiable agenda-heavy comedy showtune from Mary Keydash. Hot flash is the harshest punchline, so family friendly.

1980s valley girl protest punk from The Sterilles complains about all things Christmas. But “Mrs. Claus Has Menopause” seems to target the problems on one source: that old lady.

Dependent Claus: she’s gone too far

Mrs. Claus wouldn’t stray completely away–would she? I mean, not as the town trollop?

Vince Lundi gets sophomoric with his indictment of her sleazy easiness in “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Claus!” a rock tribute to the ho ho ho who sits on his north pole. It’s that way.

The folk approach from Matt Roach offers “The Mrs. Santa Sleeping Around Song.” The innuendos go up-you-end-os.

Garage folk (or just ‘unplugged’) recommends “Hold Your Head Up Santa Claus” ‘cuz yo’ wife a whore. Less attempt at humor, more attempt at music from JWJ.

Dependent Claus: him or him

Will Mrs. Claus confront the man in her life about the other man (men?)? Could be a fight coming–

Santa better get outta their way when Kyle Tennis & The Riverside Swing Band confess their swinging blues feelings for “Mrs. Claus.”

Not exactly pressing the ultimatum, Craig Sperry knows how “Mrs. Claus” would be better off. Raw blues rock. Spookily sincere for its absurdity.

Dependent Claus: stalked her out of it

Is she obsessable? Mrs. Santa Claus is the pinnacle of–her type. Matronophilia? Some guys lose it over that sweet homemaker image.

Maniacs got it bad when they transition from cowboy to pub rock as “Mrs. Claus’s Lover.” Sad, but rollicking.

The Dan Band flame the torch high with their letter to “Mrs. Claus.” Droll prog rock putting her up on a pedestal. Love the line about not even knowing her first name.

R Kelly gives it up for his soul soaring R+B “Mrs. Santa Claus.” Is he the new James Brown? Or is he powered by love? Heavy.

Dependent Claus: cheatin’ to third base BLUE ALERT

Something about the ideal marriage makes all the young studs want to divide and conquer. Mrs. Claus has a target between her legs.

Hoover’s G-String has a melancholy morning after alt number about Mrs. Claus. ‘Put the blame on me,’ they offer, as some form of gentlemen, with “The Ballad of Mrs. Claus.” What’s her walk of shame look like?

Bad Royale (feat Jay Nahge) has it in for “Mrs. Claus.” This rap gets BLUE but sounds full service for the lady.

Clumsy country honky tonk from Rico Loco sets up “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” She’ll get (oh my) a pokin’ and a squirtin.’ And even a reamin’. Guessin’ that’s obscene.

Size 14 punks “Mrs. Claus” with verve and gusto. It may have been the wine… the first time. But the upshot is–no one’s getting presents anywhere near this guy. VERY NAUGHTY.

Dependent Claus: cuckolding him to second base

How can Mrs. Claus keep warm when Santa’s delivering the toys? Some naughty boys have some rascally ideas.

Some of these adulterous allegations are couched in kid-friendly imagery, so i figure lots of fooling around–but nothing x-rated. See for yourself: “Mrs. Claus is on the Naughty List” by HawkBaby. Autotuning the swing doesn’t exactly qualify for a blue alert.

Ross and Dave have moves for “Mrs. Claus (I’m in Love with You).” Sweet Elvis classic rock moves, i do believe.

One night only, but Hayden Stearns wants to fulfill Mrs. C’s dreams. “Hey Mrs. Claus” is Euro-pop rock with bouncy flirtatiousness. Only slightly nasty.

The Barr Brothers use harp and Hawaiian strumming to retro ballad “Dear Mrs. Claus.” These are the moves, my men. Take note.