Merry Criminals! just say no


you can stay at home, surround yourself with loved ones, and NOT COMMIT CRIME.

Try it.

You could follow Santa’s example. The rule-followin’ good boy is documented by John Vosel in “Santa Knows,” a country ballad that might bore you. Or you could learn something.

Tarrus Riley represents the reggae of #crimefreechristmas with “Crime Free Christmas.” Put down your gun and play.

Dryer is not into Christmas, still garage/punk-advises “Don’t Steal or Kill This Christmas.” It’s like The Kinks but trying much harder.

Merry Criminals! parole

Early release for good behavior will get you on the Nice List. So work the system and smile at the right time. And then maybe you too can get out in time to see the family that’s long forgotten you.

Slidawg & The Redneck Ramblers country/bluegrass ‘splains what Xmas is all about in “Daddy’s on Parole This Christmas.” Good ol’ boys back in business.

Jack Derringer prefers the hair metal for his “Parole for Christmas.” He means it, so he can get back to you, baby. Pucker up.

Back to country–swing this time, where Bob Rivers paints a picture with “I’m Dressing Up Like Santa Claus” when I get out on parole. Then it’ll be home sweet home. Parole = forgiveness, right? I mean it’s Christmas and all. (Cover by Fly Amero.)

Merry Criminals! jailbreak

No special release for the guilty during the holidays. Unless….

Slim Tall’s Christmas on the Lam” starts out in jail. Then Charlie Parr picks his way on outta there. Earthy blues.

Break Momma Home for Christmas” depicts a breakout by Three Day Threshold & Summer Villains. Hard rockin’ bluegrass defends the poor old lady from deerslaughter. She was trying to feed the starving poor ones, not take out Santa’s team. Sorry!

Merry Criminals! prison

Locked up for the long haul gets old. Days come, days go. Then Christmas is in there somewhere. No family. No festivities. Hmm.

The Professor Brothers get oddly falsetto bee bop calling out roll on who’s in a worse mood for “Prisoner Christmas.” Tone down that boo hoo in the refrain, guys.

Charlie & the Bhoys get lugubriously Celtic with “A Prisoners Christmas.” A little boy gets a lecture in how they endure Xmas in lock down. Political prisoners, actually. Tiocfaidh ár lá!

Showtime at The 4th Annual Joe Iconis Christmas Spectacular, December 18, 2011. “Prisoner’s Christmas Song” from Ray Munoz chains swamp blues to musical. A bit scary for all its silliness.

Bashing and crashing on the guitar Matt Roach offkey-rocks “The Inmates Holiday.” There will be orange violence.

Christmas in Prison” is the appropriate dirge to count the lost time to. John Prine has just the right gruff hoarseness to bring you way down from the merriment. The Boxmasters add a bit more life to it, though. Maybe a skoosh deadpan. My favorite cover of the Prine pining comes from Doug Legacy and the Legends of the West. Sad, yet a party.

Then i discovered this monster concept album Payday 2, A Merry Payday Christmas, the soundtrack to a videogame. Simon Viklund is the composer at Overkill/Starbreeze which developed ‘Payday 2.’ So he made this bad-ass musical about a caper and the resultant “Christmas in Prison.” Rock the prison blues, man.

Merry Criminals! jail

Bummer. You did not beat the rap and now you’re in that purgatory without glory, jail. Behind bars gives you time to reflect. And sing.

The Youngsters dropped the original lament “Christmas in Jail” back around 1956. This doo wop spells out the sentence.

Channeling Johnny Cash, Jonathan Coulton observes “Christmas in Jail.” It’s a letter home explaining not apologizing.

Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. Dean) wrangles down some blues with their “Jail for Christmas.” Repentance will go a long way, son. Keep crying.

Comedy break from The Bob and Tom Show: Donnie Baker recites his own criminal “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Not so much a song, but Pete the Elf shared that with me.

Parody up! The Christmas Pranksters jolly up the need for Mom’s bail with “Jingle Bells, Christmas Sales.” She allegedly fought ‘like Mike Tyson, when someone grabbed her gift.’

Selena Garcia brings the blues some heat with “Hold Up Holidays.” She wants the calendar to pause while working out the jailtime. I’d hear her out, Father Time.

Merry Criminals! lawsuits

When asking nicely doesn’t cut it any longer, it’s time to get litigious. Civil cases may not be criminal, but they’re still illegal and stuff. I guess.

Dr. Elmo claims “Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants off Santa” for that whole reindeer/grandma kerfuffle. I thought it was granslaughter, but then TV shyster’s got their mitts on the elderly. Cornball country.

The ultimate lawsuit, according to Bill Engvall, uses truck-driving country rock to explicate how “I’m Getting Sued by Santa” for a dog mauling. You’d think ol’ Nick’d have better things to do.

Merry Criminals! lawyers

You have a right to representation against Santa, or anyone else.

Lawrence Savell fronts The Law Tunes to wonderfully amusing effect over several holiday albums. Here’s a commercial sampling from Season’s Briefings. Pick it up for your legal eagle holiday needs for next year.

Also Hutson & Harris parody carols as free wisdom for potential clients to comic effect with videos like “Texas Lawyers Singing Some Holiday Advice.”

It’s beyond HR when Santa bumps the wrong way at the Christmas party. “Vixen’s Talking to a Lawyer” is rockabilly-lite with country charm from J.P. Davis.

Merry Criminals! court BLUE ALERT

Christmas Day may be a time of peace, but not peace officers so much.

While “The Court’s Closed on Christmas” has more to do with The Eradicator’s need to play squash, i like how the obscenity makes it blur into a more urgent urban need for justice. At Xmas.

Sky Saxon does not want to spend “Christmas in the Courtroom.” Bluesy mushmouthed ‘billy brings conscience to the fore, just like it should.

Merry Criminals! arrested

The long arm of johnny law is still reaching in late December. So don’t think you’ll be getting away scott free, you dick.

Taking the high horse, The Christmas Pranksters rewind us to 2009 with a ridiculous Christmas shopper thinking he can buy what he wants (Tickle Me Elmo) when no one else can. “Arrest That Ragin’ Gentleman” is caroldy that’s sing-song sweet, but past its sell-by date.

The usual suspects includes that old breakin’ and enterin’ bagman. Bob Gronowski’s “Santa Claus Got Busted” is a swingin jazz tribute to a misunderstanding of tears and cheer. (Quitcher drinkin’, Santa!)

Santa Got Busted by the Border Patrol” has its country pop fun with the transport system, but don’t worry, kids, Kevin Fowler (feat. Ray Benson)’ll work it all out!

Mr. Cork plays with the consequences of when “Santa Claus Got Busted!” This hand-clappin’ electric piano rap blues gets a bit graphic, boys and others. Be careful.

Even more tragic, when “Santa Got Arrested” Arrogant Worms run the whole procedural through a sad pop song of The End of Christmas As We Know It. Oh No!