Year-round Yuletide oddities
Sex is such a great release for the holidays. It’s a religious experience. It’s a confirmation of commitment.
But what if you get a Jesus-sized headache.
“I Don’t Feel Like Fucking This Christmas” is the guilty canticle from Red State Update. He’d rather go to church, just for this day, dear. Country pop. And really dirty.
Are all your presents hiding in the closet?! Get ’em out! Unwrap ’em! Insert ’em in your neighbor!
We won’t but celebrate gay sex for Xmas, but keep in mind that the damaging old-fashioned homophobic stereotype here is the crazed, overagressive predator. He’ll nail anything, anywhere.
Because gay pride has earned more acceptance so gradually over the past couple decades, some of these naughty bits arrive in the form of complete albums (hidden and exchanged behind closed doors so long ago). We’ll sample:
Yaoi Xmas Songs is boy-love, but often from girls’ fan fiction shipping on their favorite anime characters. From this collection, “Big Dong” parodizes an often overlooked ‘Ding Dong’ song that deserves what it gets.
The Go-Go Boys won’t be a household name (depending on your household) but they serve up some well-done musical parodies on their album Gay Apparel. I choose “We Three Boys,” not for subtlety, but for composure.
Unit 81 Productions also sings masterfully in no way undercutting the raunchiness of “Merry XXXmas.” Rock pop. Very fast.
Alternatively, December sex can be observed between a Jew and a Jewess.
Goldentusk ragtimes “Sex for Hanukkah” with such speed you know he’s trying to dazzle into something. And he does.
Are you laughing at the sexy times of Christmas in songs gone wrong?
Robert Taylor unabashedly lays into “Merry Sexmas” in a way that you wish he might learn the meaning of abash. A wild and crazy guy.
The Dan Band suddenly realizes that sex is the perfect gift in “I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas,” a fine power ballad of clueless charisma.
The holiday intercourse may be announced as fact. Surrender to the male imperative.
Poetically, Greg & Brian mix metaphors in the inuendo laden “Yule Log.” It’s down and dirty, but with a medieval dancing beat.
FunnyMike freestyles his “Merry Christmas” about what he’s going to do to specific body parts on you. There’s a rhythm method.
Will Nunziata (feat. Amy Fitts) embodies the Disney princess (cable sitcom verzh) who must have the sex in “Jingle Jingle: A Dirty Christmas Song.” Santa raps countrapoint to her pop lollying.
Reggie Watts levels with all y’all that “Christmas is for Fucking.” Sensual R+B rap. Get it on.
It’s no thing. Just sex. For Christmas.
Bantam Rooster plugs in to punk up “Let’s Just Fuck for Christmas.” He’s all shouty but still cool about it all.
One of the beauties about the hip hop culture is how mattafact it is. Mr. Crumbsnatcher proposes (in light rapping rhymes) “All I Want for Christmas is to Fuck Hella Bitches.” And that’s off the list.
It’s showtime! Bumping uglies! Making the beast of two backs! Sex!! Did i mean specifically Christmas sex!? In song?
Shall we proposition?
Habitual Sex Offenders do it wrong with “Please Douche Before Christmas.” Great rock chords, but 12 days of feminine hygiene products? No.
Vybz Kartel Radio plays some powerful Carrib parang-rap. I’m all in the mood from “Christmas Fck.” It’s persuasive.
Jack Douglass plays the fool for his jacksfilms but he’s a shrewd comic song and parody man. Check out his boy band tribute “Christmas Sex.” Say yes, girl.
Is this the end of Christmas sodomoy? I feel a but coming….
Garfunkle and Oates stretch the concept with “The Loophole” (aka ‘Fuck Me in the Ass ‘Cause I Love Jesus’). Is this Xmas-adjacent? It’s got X.
Before we go in the front door, back-door Santas everywhere would like to explore the possibility of anal penetration.
Glamazam has a short vocally pretty album of butt-sex songs leading off with “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Butt Sex.” Uhm, that’s far enough.
Kill the Band has played “Anal for Christmas” for us before. Butt it’s got a twist in the end.
George Washington Diarrhea wrassles doowop for “I Hope That I Get Anal for Christmas.” Earthy, full of innuendo (and begging), and the harmonica is a nice touch.
How long can these Christmas fellating songs last?!
Devastating Just Cause gets instructional and burlesque-y with his old-timey “I Want a Blowjob for Christmas.” Low blow humor… rim shot!
Zack Redman plays a showtune-inspired plea with “Blowjob for Christmas II.” Desperation lifts him to an alto.
Zack’s first go-around was more Motown with his “Blowjob for Christmas.” Nice production values, more melodic than pushy. This is nicer than most.