Santaphilic.11 BLUE ALERT

Despite the implied impurity of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” back in the ’50s, everyone piled on much later to spice up the corny kidsong.

We’ve mentioned these naughty parodies before

Since then, we’ve been witness to “I Saw Mommy Pegging Santa Claus (Away In A Manger)” by Abortion Clinic Daycare. Indecipherable metal.

Something Awful’s Donner Party Christmas Party also plays opaque with “I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus,” an echoic instrumental that samples more than seduces.

JossiRossi from the same group later recorded “I Saw Mommy (Explicit) [Censored].” This is that comedy routine where bleeping inspires your filthiest imaginings.

What i’d like to direct your attention to now, however, is quite the oddity. In 1952 Spike Jones & The City Slickers chased Jimmy Boyd’s release with his own featuring his ‘Two Front Teeth” guy George Rock. But, then– for giggles–he had the gang record a SECOND version: “I Saw Mommy Screwing Santa Claus.” Thanks to the internet this private use only recording has finally seen the light of hoi polloi.

Chorus Line BLUE ALERT

Armadillo Acres is hot during the holidays, but in The Great American Trailer Park Christmas Musical troubles come in multitudes. They could win the Mobile Homes & Gardens photo shoot , if it weren’t for the meanest grinch in residence, Darlene (see: “Opening“). ‘Course she gets amnesia (“12 Days of Amnesia“) and the colorful crazies can’t decide to ride that out or help her get back to her ornery self. Dumb as dirt Rufus offers to share his “Christmas Memories.” Sweet. In fact the nostalgic treacle overflows (“My Christmas Tin Toy Boy“). Even getting widowed is remembered sweetly (“Christmas Leather Love“). Great googly-moogly. Then the F-bomb gets a boop-shee-boop treatment in “…It’s Christmas.” Okay, that’s funny. These po’ folk aren’t beat up, they’re upbeat. (The cure for a broken heart? Some Holiday Ass! as seen in “Black and Blue on Christmas Eve“).

Understudy BLUE ALERT

Another Fucking Christmas Play: The Musical begins with “Another Fucking Christmas Song” because… of course it does. Losers collide in a falling down ski resort for the holidays. Suspicion reigns (“This Sets Our Plot in Motion“). As does its medicine: faith (“Believing is an Easy Sort of Fing“). Children are an issue (“My Least Favorite Things“). Christ gets debated (“Hark, a Miracle!“). Solutions, of course, are offensive: “Everyone’s a Christian at Christmas.” Lotta baggage, lotta damage. I think love is in the air! [More than the usual number of songs for a musical, but they don’t ALL sound alike. Like.]

Overture [BLUE ALERT]

Christmas in Hell is a The Simpsons‘ writer’s rebellion to the Christmas musical genre. On Christmas Eve an 8-year-old is mistakenly taken down to Hell. When he returns, not only has he missed Christmas (“Somebody Owes Me a Christmas” in oompah Old-World music), but he is devilishly changed. To set things right, his father embarks on a hilarious and outrageous odyssey (“There is Nothing More That I Can Say” is the aria from the nun who helps/doesn’t) that eventually leads him down to Hell itself (dangerous? “Nobody Knows” is the group chorale cheer) where amongst the damned (cue the suffering torch song “When Your Hands are Too Big“) he makes a wager with Lucifer (troubled in the cringey ballad “Mine“) he can’t possibly win. Unless the power of love prevails (the slow build showtune “More Than Cheese“). Personally, i woulda left the nasty kid behind–he was originally a bad’un, as confided by his teacher in “Mrs. Huvey’s Complaint.” BLUE ALERT for a spell.

Gunna Celebrate.277 FURY BLUE ALERT

Just enough time for some last bits.

Turns out when we Mommy kissing Santa Claus, Daddy found out and got his gun. “Santa, Run!” is the rocking hijinks that ensue from Reckless Renegade.

On the BLUE ALERT side Javeth [ft. Nova Omari] decide to “Kill Santa” with a Nerf gun. Angry yet silly rap.

Standing ready Svvamp VVillies amateur pops “Santa Glock.” Stocking-ed and loaded.

It’s a bad scene when “Santa’s Got A Gun,” the suspenseful pop number by Roger Oddcock. Take cover.

Pretty retro pop from The JAC about the boy who said “I Saw Santa with a Gun.” Trauma is the gift that keeps on giving.

Harm’s Way metal raps “Santa’s Been Drinkin and He’s Got a Gun!” Seems to celebrate more than warn, but ’tis the season.

Buy more guns, that’s my New Years resolution, raps Onyx (feat. Mad Lion) in the BLUE ALERT “Ahhh Year.” Looking forward, with a laser site.

Gunna Celebrate.275 H&H Magnum BLUE ALERT

Electric Bill and the Utilities indie punk how they want “A Gun For Christmas.” What they’ll do with it is a BLUE ALERT carnival ride. Weee-uh oh.

And all I wanted for Christmas was a gun is the encore sentiment from Super Chron Flight Bros (feat. Zesto) in “B More.” Real. With ‘Boyz’ samples.

Lil Seradino actually wants an xBox for Christmas, but if that fails… gotta get an AR-15. “Have a Merry M6” is unfortunate rap, but it’s a product of its social economic system. BLUE ALERT

Gunna Celebrate.22-250 Remington BLUE ALERT

Kids today! Utter Nonsense electronically raps: I put a gun in the turkey ‘Cause my momma said No phones at the table; Well now she’s dead. “Tik Tok Boy” marches to a different drummer only he can hear.

More fun with Te Vale Quien Soy serenading us slow and folksy with “I Shoot My Gun on Christmas.” Attention seeker!

Megahurts retro-pops “All I Got for Christmas was This Lousy Gun.” You could dance to it, but you might wanna do the Watusi instead.

If ever emo-boy pop was deserved it was for “Abandonment Clause” by Cloudwatch. I promise I’ll stay, Won’t tell no one–It’s Christmas day: I wanted a gun. Spoiler: it’a about abuse in the home. BLUE ALERT tearjerking.

Gunna Celebrate.222 Remington Magnum BLUE ALERT

Smash Mouth can sing a song, i’ll admit it. The ne’erdowells in their swing rock “Better Do It Right” beg, borrow, and steal, as Santa didn’t come. And all you wanted was a BB gun.

Party time! “All I Want For Christmas (Is A Gun)” by Pete Witham & The Cozmik Zombies is just the beginning. According to Neitsche he just deserves some fun. With this country pop, figger that’s a start.

Rapper say: Like I be shoppin for Christmas; I got a gun on my wishlist. John Cannon’s “On Me” seems more like an autotune bitchfest. BLUE ALERT

It’s all bad in “Bring On Your Last Existential Sabora,” an electronic ballad from Coping Mechanism. Life sucks, then you get a present. A shotgun? BLUE ALERT

Could be Better BLUE ALERT

Out of the hellfire into the front room… Christmas is a special time of the year, but tragedy strikes when you least expect it. So are troubles over the holidays just more of the same, extra terrible, or some sort of test of your faith?

Bad times have come across the blog before. If you can’t laugh at them, then Sauron wins.

Out of money, out of hair, full of ants, Dieter Horvat can barely bear “Christmas (On a Wednesday).” Doom comes in all sizes especially in folk music.

The Doomsday Bunker Band stumbles under the burden of disappointment and despair of late December. Folk rock sells “The Christmas Hurtsmas Song.” To live is to suffer. BLUE ALERT

Damn That Holiday: DamNation.4 BLUE ALERT

Funk me, DJ Tenderloin mashes up soul, Queen, Ed Grimley, and plenty others with “About Damn Christmas Time.” Disco adjacent.

Best Damn Roofer offers the “Best Damn Christmas” album with all the standards sung with the word roof substituted for all the nouns. Watch out for the BLUE ALERT drug spiral. I dare you to last all ten minutes.

Seiza (feat. Biggie Smalls) has had enough of quality Christmas songs, and talent for that matter. “About Damn Time for an Actually Good Christmas Song” delivers on ‘Good,’ provided ‘Good’ is weak ass bad. BLUE ALERT