Garrett Forge needs cheering up around this time of year, in fact a “Cup of Cheer“–or twenty. But he watches all the right shows (Ralphie gets his B.B. gun), or he has to–the kids insist. He’d rather watch the bowl games. Perhaps another cup… poor sloshily spoken pop singer.
Eddie Money goes middle of the road with the ‘rocking’ “Everybody Loves Christmas.” My daughter Chealsea wants a doll that talks; Little Johnny wants a BB Gun. Wake up, Eddie… you don’t have a son Johnny. (Oh, he’s dead? never mind.)
Joe Diffie’s somewhat-country “Mr. Christmas” also delivers A Barbie doll and a little toy gun. Not to much acclaim, it would seem. Somnolent pop.
Guns are called to silence by prayer by John Denver in “Christmas Like a Lullaby.” Easy Listening country to put you to sleep.
Daryl Girard goes down on the farm with his country take on the real wishing. “Catalog Dreams” recalls a time long past of shopping for Christmas through the mail, not mall. Despite the likelihood of hundreds of choices, we only hear about dolls and BB guns. Should cover it.
A song to the “Christmas Gun” by Michael Gross, Bryan Szymanski, and Matt Glass features ratatat rock and fatalism.
Valley of Love ups the Tarantino quotient with a slow-mo guitar introspection, “My Boy Got His Gun.” Christmas is the backdrop for this pending doom.
Angry Johnny & The Killbillies have graced our posts liberally–‘cuz they’re awesome–but we haven’t taken a moment for “Shootin’ Snowmen.” This soft country song about a rural tradition you might want to avoid addresses a strange xenophobia and the redneck response.
Who’s the devil? You are! You’re the devil!! “Slick Nick, You Devil You” is Fishbone’s gospelly pop to point out Santa’s failings. Guess he‘s not on anyone’s list.
Jim Barnett places Scratch at the Nativity with crazy honkytonk in “‘Ol Devil Raids Christmas.” They debate JC’s potential influence through Christmas (He’s a baby, natch) and The Devil begins to slip… STAY TUNED
Shouting the title over and over, Christmas! advises “Christmas Cruise” at least for the sexual freedom.
Laughing at YOU, Kent Goodson and Michael Panasuk calypso-ize and rhapsodize in “Cruisin’ for Christmas.” They list what they’ll do for fun that you won’t.
Wayne Pascall A Cappella has more specific destinations in mind with their calypso (lotsa beatboxing) “Christmas Caribbean Cruise.” Translators are standing by.
Tangentially, Judy Blank would rather have a “California Christmas” than a messy ol’ wintry one (y’know, the ‘Dreaming of’ kind). I’d rather learn to surf and sail a cruise she pop croons with no little talent.
More destination-oriented, Aubrey Wollett’s “Sandy Christmas” uses funky country to paint an idyllic pic: You can be on a boat, or lay on a pool float, Sipping on chocolate martinis with candy canes. Sounds relaxing.
What’s sweeter than tokens of affection? On Christmas morning I’ll wake up next to you, Give you a kiss or two, sings M!chelle in the sensually rhythmic pop “Christmas Morning.”
Steven Curtis Chapman is only asking for a “Christmas Kiss“–One little kiss, well maybe, let’s make it two. Jazz band intimate.
Leaning into the ukulele, Shannon Paapanen chants the Hawaiian “Christmas on the Isthmus” (guess there’s a bit of one on Maui?). We could share a big kiss-mas and a warm hug or two swings the schmaltz.
Terms of endearment, too, are sweet: I thought I’d write a note or two of Christmas cheer To you, to you sings Albert Hammond in the rote ’70s pop “Under the Christmas Tree.”
“It’s Always Christmas in Siberia” asks for a gentle moment. Here we relieve the inner chill with a choice word or two, advises Jed Davis with great alt rock kicking.
Best intentions, too? “Christmas is a Homemade Holiday” is another tawdry showtune that touts pablum like: IT’S MADE WITH LOVE AND YOUR OWN TWO HANDS. The Broadway Kids sell it within an inch of their stage moms.
There’s a thing or two I’d rearrange, insists Kevin D Young in the music hall funniness of “Christmas is Weird.” You know he’s right.
Fall Out Boy shuffles into “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” with negligent nonchalance. Alt-grunge pop with depths of One awkward silence, and two Hopes you cry yourself to sleep Staying up waiting by the phone…. Yet i dig it.
Let’s get to the loot! I mean one present’s good… And yet YYAAMM forgot to get “Two Presents“ for Jesus, One for Christmas and one for his birthday. Mood altering tinkly alt-pop for the novelty.
Just as odd, Johnny and The Raindrops have a request: Peace and love from you The two things you can give me. You might want to write it down… “Peace and Love This Christmas.” So, not just the love, kay?
“Proper Crimbo” is British thing, so marvel at Bo Selecta jolly-rapping about getting stuff, like two trainers and whatnot. Weee!
Presents wrapped under the tree, One for you and two for me, quips Stephanie Ryan in the over twanged “What Christmas Means to Me.” Grabby.
Working from a Facebook news report, Jim Dimzey wails “Blame Chine (You Stole Our Christmas Day).” Meaning, Covid-19 interrupted somebody’s good time and they’re looking for payback. Or shopping: Maybe we can get a thing or two If we can buy it online. (Ya think?)
Bursting with joy and happiness and glee and love, Jonathan and Emily Martin insist you have a “Happy Christmas.” Eat a candy cane or two, they advise. I think that’ll make it worse. Attention: lots of credit given to God here.
Drinks are good, too! Dolly Parton pairs up Michael Buble for “Cuddle Up Cozy Down Christmas.” A glass of wine or two fits right in with this piano bar swing.
That’s nothing. In “Straight Up Kentucky Christmas” there’s bottles EVERYWHERE. And this one guy, Some people even call him the grinch–But just a drink or two and the man you knew Was giving out some Christmas gifts. Swinging country swing from The Old Americana Band.
Waylan St. Palan & The Magic Elves boogie woogie into “Quarantine Christmas” with no pain. Maybe I’ll stay at home and drink some wine, A little sip of this and drink of that a chug or two is fine. Wild party for one.
Off-duty Santa had a drink or two; He’s a little pissed at the world And he’s gonna show you. Shmandarin rocks with “Scheming Santa” to tell you what it is.
More country comes Alex Southey with “Christmas in the Valley.” You said: There’s two coffees on Christmas And I’ve missed this season, but pretty soon we′re gonna forget this. A testimonial to the get-away.
Many a (rap) song mentions wanting a PS5, but i don’t care. A few carols allude to The Jackson 5. Whatevs. But we’re far from final with the fives.
Micah 5 mentions the prophet we celebrate, as told in the UK rapping “The Christmas Story.” Too many tea la las, but J.Walker from LTD is a clever freestyler, so okay.
The Mistletoe Tappers introduce themselves as lead “Roger the Polar Bear,” a multi-instrument penguin, and an arctic fox on drums. They rock the North Pole with an old-timer funk, Five encores later feeling high as a kite they bid adieu. Wild.
Just as weird, “The Serpent With a Star on His Head” allows a pagan approach to the birth of Christ. Sharks Teeth gets garage psychedelic with the symbolism: An inner-fire That you breathe With the five symbols on you. Ride it in glory.
“Bad Santa” from L-T Terror is earthy, urban rap full of flava and eccentric references far from me: Big beard, five pack, Saint Nick, Merry Christmas. Five pack? Was he in an accident?
The Teeth interjects into Shannon Sionna’s “Trap Santa” with more rap lasciviousness: Keep a bag on me: I’ma bring you four or five gifts; I’m sliding down your chimney Stuffing stockings nice and naughty.
More kinky, All Students have a Christmas plan: As I see right before me your toes–I’m gonna suck (aye) One toe, two toes, all five down. “MistleToes” to the tune of Pachelbel is a pervy party (kinda like rap).
Some examples of how not to behave As a Christian, begins Terry Silva in his “Christmas Songs.” Pretty pop itemizes many naughty acts: Get down, get dirty, man on man, Try and jizz on his nose, spank his butt with a pan; F*ck 5 married women, steal their poo Then post it to your neighbour and covet his good. Marvy-mas.
Pleasant Bud’s “Christmas Party” adventure begins well: Presented my host with five apples in pie. But then the girl’s leg falls off… Cute filking.
Upbeat ragtime from Scottish the romantidote: “(Have Yourself) A Very Maudlin Christmas” is all about the disappointment of crowded get-togethers–Is there anybody else whose sick of sleigh-bells? Those five same movies that you’ve seen a thousand times? I believe you know this one.