Elf Driver

How do you manage the whole Christmas machine? Good boss or mean boss? Time for a struttin’ Neil Young parody! “Southern Claus” by Pity Rally might answer some of these questions.

Santa’s Elven Slave Trade” by Aristocorpse screeches metal accusations at that holly jolly soul. Do you believe? (Feeding their young to the reindeer!?)

With a kickass drumlin Gatsby’s American Dream challenges “St. Nicholas” to a duel of honor. He’s gotten away with too much! Metal match!

Richard Sponaugle hair rocks “St. Nick’s Sweatshop” with an axe to grind.

The Rattlesnakes American rock “Santa Kicks My Boss in the Ass,” turning the bellicosity of Old man Winter to good.

The Plastic Invaders mod rock the question/answer “(Who’s the Boss?) Santa Claus.” Almost comes off cool. Still the boss, though.

Average Friend calls out grievances to “Santa Boss.” Rollicking rock to organize those little workers.

Chuck Picklesimer jams country rock heavily for “I was a Slave for Psycho Santa Claus.” Scary stuff (hee hee)! Spaceship escape?

The HoHoHo-er

Worth repeating: From The Trailer Park Boys, Bubbles & The Shitrockers BLUE ALERT react badly to bad gifting with the country twangin’ “Dear Santa Claus Go Fuck Yourself.” So mad they’re giggling.

More BLUE ALERT from the disgruntled Dan Warren. While traumatized from being good not equalling the goods, he hurls insult and invective North Pole-ward, including “Santa Claus Lives Alone.” (That’s ‘cuz no one likes him.)

The Armenian Comedian (from the old Kevin & Bean Show) allows that some will blame Santa, but he lousy-raps “Don’t Blame Santa.” Then, scat.

Perhaps a bit of guided instruction would help. The Jeff Archer Group kid-rocks (hard) “I’d Love to Go to Toys-R-Us with Santa.” Doesn’t even matter that they’re closing out stores anymore. It’ll show Mr. Claus what is what.

Flooded Cellar makes an Indian Giver out of the old guy when, due to a clerical error, he now wants to take back all your unearned toys. American country rock notifies that “Santa Claus been Writing Me Letters.” You have 30 days to comply.


Worth repeating: I’ve before shared Mono Puff cover of “Careless Santa” but it’s really a They Might Be Giants number. It’s give and be taken.

James Brown stylings are unique. So is his “Santa Claus Santa Claus.” Please don’t make him suffer so. You’re his only hope.

Little Charlie & The Nightcats dish out a bucket of blues with their “Santa Claus.” Please stop by his house today. He’s got needs.

Aaron Schubert is asking for something better than “A Ho Ho Hobo’s Christmas.” Not having to eat half a rat, or a new box…? Throw him a bone already. A cappella amateurism.

Professional a cappella comes straight from Straight No Chaser who’re calling out “Hey Santa!” to catch a ride to their baby in Dixieland.

Sharna-Mae & the Mayhems rockabillies the request (oddly similar to the Cashes’ ‘Jackson’) “We’re Off to See Santa.” I see this working out just fine.

Scott Andersen takes the country challenge: still wants to be man, but “Wrote a Letter to Santa” to get his baby back as well. Not sure this’s gonna work, bubba.

Big Red

Worth repeating: “Super Rock Santa” from The Fleshtones has the beat, the boast, and the best of music going for it. What have you got?

The Castle Arms are amazed by “Rock ‘N Roll Santa.” He’s really good. So’s this echoic pop.

Rock Rock Rock Rock Santa!” as produced by third Earth tilts toward punk. But the chimney diver is still a rocker in it.

Rockabilly better suits “Santa was a Rockin’.” The Elfish Preselys do resurrect the King to bring us the slamming testimony. Appreciate it.

Rock N’ Roll Santa” seems to hail from The Delta. Do You Hear What I Hear? (feat. Christine Ohlman) cajun away the cold to move your feet.

George Thorogood & the Destroyers play “Rock & Roll Christmas” as a rock tribute to tell Santa to go go go. The sax does it.

Robert ‘Dr. Bob’ Blake tortures the tonsils with the country “Santa Claus Rock.” Ouch, that’s… music.

Haircuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Lamba Lamby delivers a slightly better kidsong encouraging kids (or baby animals at least) to answer the question “Where is Santa’s Beard?” With the proper shouting, children may help Santa decide what to replace his lost locks with (oddly, he loses his beard in painful accidents including fire and falling).

Pit and Penny have less luck in the short “Santa Lost His Beard.” What a kidsong mess.

Bucky Habanero attribute senile dementia to the time “Santa Shaved.” Light country, but quite critical of that old’un messing with tradition.

Meet Me Under the Bristles, Go

Who else wears hair on the bottom of their face around the holidays?

Phineas and Ferb‘s very own Baljeet and Buford (Maulik Pancholy and Bobby Gaylor) rewrite “Good King Wenceslas” to include biographical details, like how he was unshaven. It also includes threatening gift suggestions.

Kunt and The Gang BLUE ALERT salute god-as-man with the pop dance number “Jesus (Baby with a Beard).”

Michael Warner succumbs to cheesy country western to identify God, “Old Grey Beard,” as the reason for the season. I wonder how old he’ll have to get to get a great white beard, like Santa’s.

Goatee Tell It on the Mountain

Santa’s Beard is Stuck in the Chimney” IS a line in the Birthing Stirrups garage screamer. Santa’s still attached, too. But it all winds up all right.

BOOSB is the band’s name, as well as the name of their song: “Beating Off On Santa’s Beard (Beavue Cleavue cover).” This punk garage seems to think revenge is best served close. I wouldn’t….

Weird with a beard? Try The Lumberyard country caterwauling about “The One’s Who Dwell in Santa’s Beard.” As metaphors go, it went.

Gunna Celebrate.224 Valkyrie

Garrett Forge needs cheering up around this time of year, in fact a “Cup of Cheer“–or twenty. But he watches all the right shows (Ralphie gets his B.B. gun), or he has to–the kids insist. He’d rather watch the bowl games. Perhaps another cup… poor sloshily spoken pop singer.

Eddie Money goes middle of the road with the ‘rocking’ “Everybody Loves Christmas.” My daughter Chealsea wants a doll that talks; Little Johnny wants a BB Gun. Wake up, Eddie… you don’t have a son Johnny. (Oh, he’s dead? never mind.)

Joe Diffie’s somewhat-country “Mr. Christmas” also delivers A Barbie doll and a little toy gun. Not to much acclaim, it would seem. Somnolent pop.

Guns are called to silence by prayer by John Denver in “Christmas Like a Lullaby.” Easy Listening country to put you to sleep.

Gunna Celebrate.204 Ruger

I may have made it clear, Jean Shepherd is a good writer… ‘A Christmas Story’ is an unfunny, bland movie. Regardless, ’tis the season.

Cruel Buddhist simply mixes samples of the dialogue into lofi for the unimpressive “Red Rider BB Gun.” You’ll do WHAT with the rifle?!

Colburn Sound Express does a nicely hyperactive big band sound for their interpretation “Red Ryder.” Speak softly and open carry an air gun.

Radiant Radish gets more rock and roll with “I Don’t Want Your Tinker Toys.” Guess what he wants instead.

Daryl Girard goes down on the farm with his country take on the real wishing. “Catalog Dreams” recalls a time long past of shopping for Christmas through the mail, not mall. Despite the likelihood of hundreds of choices, we only hear about dolls and BB guns. Should cover it.

Gunna Celebrate.19 Calhoun Hornet

A song to the “Christmas Gun” by Michael Gross, Bryan Szymanski, and Matt Glass features ratatat rock and fatalism.

Valley of Love ups the Tarantino quotient with a slow-mo guitar introspection, “My Boy Got His Gun.” Christmas is the backdrop for this pending doom.

Angry Johnny & The Killbillies have graced our posts liberally–‘cuz they’re awesome–but we haven’t taken a moment for “Shootin’ Snowmen.” This soft country song about a rural tradition you might want to avoid addresses a strange xenophobia and the redneck response.