We Whisker You a Merry Christmas

Hairdos and don’ts make up human civilization. The follicular top o’ your head may have a function (thermoregulation/UV screen), but what you do with that stuff says a lot about power and sex. It’s a choice.

More so with facial hair. As half of us don’t have that (and those that have do so only after nubility, so to speak), this is solely a mating display. Let’s not limit ourselves to the  intersexual attraction (attracting females), but also consider the intrasexual competition (intimidating rival males). The bushy ‘staches and bountiful beards signify wisdom, strength, or homelessness. Who’s got the worldwide attention of pognophiles? Yahweh, Jesus, Mohammed… and Santa Claus. (Buddha and John Smith shaved as a message for something or other.)

So, here’s to holiday plumage (mostly from the neck up)! We must kick it off with Santa… sure sure sure.

Santa’s hippie-like hisuitsm has been overseen once before on the blog.

Otis Gibbs also has his doubts in the authentic country music of “Lookin’ Like a Hippie.” That’s some fine fiddlin’

LN & AND spell out for us how much God and Santa look alike with the thoughtful indie “Santa’s Beard.” It takes about a minute.

Royalty Free Lyrics “Xmas List”

Let’s go out the way we came in, with a mash-up of phrases and lines lumped together like it’s a thing. I do have so much left over.

Xmas List

As in olden days
One horse open sleigh
Before I melt away
Rock the night away

Felice Navidad
Hanukkah
Mele Kalikimaka
And Kwanzaa

To the top of the wall
Hark the herald
Do you recall
Ya filthy animal

Frosty the snowman
Pat a pan
Winter wonderland
A dumpster truck through a nitroglycerin plant

Winter in the air
In Jingle Bell Square
By the chimney with care
A triple dog dare

Christmas cards
Strike the harp
Beautiful star 
Advent calendar

Escape the fate
I can't wait
Don't be late
Celebrate

A bad little tree
Santa baby
Shouted out with glee
Stuck in a chimney

What Christmas means to me
Little Donkey
Stop the Cavalry
Epiphany

The First Noel
Carol of the Bells
Our gay apparel
Call him Emanuel

Feast of Stephen
Prancer & Vixen
Goodwill toward men
No man is a failure who has friends

I made my family disappear
Filled with holiday cheer
Singing loud for all to hear
A four alarm holiday emergency here

Certain poor shepherds
Flexible flyer
Bleak midwinter
Wish I had a river

I see a vacant seat
Pick up your feet
Gift receipt
Everyone you meet

Christmas Eve
His head like a wreath
Nutcracker Suite
My two front teeth

We have heard on high
Better not cry
Christmas in July 
Pumpkin pie

2000 miles
Meeting smile after smile
Mercy mild
Seasick crocodile

The Newborn King
Pipers piping
One little thing, a ring
Finest grifts we bring

What's this?
Making a list
Christmas kisses
Adeste Fidelis

With your nose so bright
Finally kiss goodnight
See the lights
Snowball fight

Shake hands with--
The Wet Bandits
Bob Cratchit
Christmas spirit

Mary did you Know
Mambo Santa Mambo
Jesu Bambino
Children go

Jolly happy soul
Ancient yuletide carol
Thirty-nine and a half foot pole 
Silver and gold

Santa's workshop
Last minute shop
Up on the rooftop
Watch the chestnuts pop

'Twas the night before
Doesn't come from a store
Are ya thirsty for more?
To keep me warm

Gingerbread house
Santa mouse
The bumps hounds
Bumbles bounce

Gloria 
Must be Santa
Jelly of the month club
Only I didn't say Fudge

Jingle jangle
Light of the stable
We're despicable
The shitter was full

In any event, check this list for possible end rhymes for your own songs.

What’s the upshot? Looks like I’m an angry old man with only words for weapons. Keeps me off the streets, anyway. And i never got around to ‘Cosmo Quiz: What Holiday Are You?’ or ‘All Songs About Christ are Christmas Songs’ or ‘The Tree Came Back’ or ‘Dueling Bells’ or ‘Dreidel Deathmatch’ or ‘When Superman Opens Batman’s Xmas Present’ or ‘Christmas Spellcheck’ or ‘Christmas Savings Time’ or ‘Well, That was the Worst Christmas Job I Ever Had.’ Maybe later.

Bye-ee.

Royalty Free Lyrics “Manger Mad Libs”

Part and parcel of the parody fill-in is the word game from Price Sloan Stern, Mad Libs. Not as funny as their ‘Droodles,’ this chronic cultural time-waster has its place in the annals of comedy (for kids). So, all you gotta do is take a traditional carol (‘Away in a Manger’), elide some words leaving blanks in their place. Then identify the words as nouns, verbs, what-have-yous, and ask for random part-of-speech examples from the audience to fill in those blanks. The resulting mishegoss MIGHT be amusing. (for kids, it’s usually scatalogical.)(Without an audience, i went with elementary school articles about turtles.) (Oh, and for musicality, I sought out the correct number of syllables for each fill in.)

Manger Mad Libs

1 Away in a OCEAN, 
no BEACH for a NEST,
the COASTAL Lord HAWKSBILL, 
laid down His GREEN SHELL;
the SEAS in the CURRENTS, 
RAN down where He SWAM,
the ADULT MALE HAWKSBILL, 
MOBILE on the BAY.

2 The SEABIRDS are CIRCLing, 
the Baby HATCHES,
but little ARCHIE CARR, 
no DIGGing He MATES.
I LAY Thee, JACQUES COUSTEAU, 
look DEEP from the SCUTES
and BREED by my EGGS 
until DIVing is nigh.

3 Be near me, AQUARIST; 
I MIGRATE to stay
close by SAND forever, 
and EMERGE, I WEDGE.
Bless all the dear CLUTCHES 
in Thy SNAPPING BEAKS,
and PADDLE for DEEP SEA, 
RETRACT with Thee there.

Okay, i didn’t play by the rules. Not random! Some of the lines ‘spoke’ to me, so i went with it. And, while i don’t insist this is NOT blasphemous, i do declare it is educational. Shouldn’t bother third graders.

Royalty Free Lyrics “The Ballad of Kris Kringle”

Let’s try rewriting an actual song! This was my Christmas card for 2023, and it caused some confusion as i never said in so many words that it was based on the ballad of the legendary John Henry, the steel driving man. Now, that’s a tune!

The Ballad of Kris Kringle

Kris Kringle was a little elfling
Sittin’ in zero degrees
He picked up a doll and (a) wooden choochoo
Said: ‘Toys’re gonna be the death of me, Lawd Lawd
Toys’re gonna be the death of me’

Jeff Bezos said to Kris Kringle:
‘Gonna bring that AI on shift,
Gonna bring ChatGPT on the job
Gonna outdeliver all your gifts, Lawd Lawd
Gonna outdeliver all your gifts’

Kris Kringle told ol’ Siri:
‘A Saint ain’t nothin’ but a man,
But before I let your block chain beat me
I’d die with a present in my hand, Lawd Lawd
I’d die with a present in my hand’

Kris Kringle said to his reindeer:
‘Rudolph, why don’t you sing?
I’m throwin’ down chimneys bikes and baby dolls,
Just listen to that sleigh bell ring, Lawd Lawd
Just listen to that sleigh bell ring’

Kris Kringle said to Google Bard: ‘Hey
Google, you’d better pray
‘Cause if you miss that little ghetto boy,
Tomorrow’ll be your buyout day, Lawd Lawd
Tomorrow’ll be your buyout day’

    Alexa said to Kris Kringle:
    ‘We think this chimney’s cavin’ in’
    Kris Kringle said to Amazon: ‘Hey, Man,
    That ain’t nothin’ but my reindeers zeroin’ in, Lawd Lawd
    That ain’t nothin’ but my reindeers zeroin’ in’

    The man that invented the Turing Test
    Thought he was mighty fine,
    But Kris Kringle made billions happy
    And SantaBot only handled nine, Lawd Lawd
    And SantaBot only handled nine

    Kris Kringle barnstormed the suburbs
    Delivery was striking fire
    But went so hard, he broke his sleigh’s harness
    He smashed up his reindeer and he died, Lawd Lawd
    He smashed up his reindeer and he died

    They took Kris Kringle to the North Pole
    And they buried him in the snow
    And every child’s mother comes along by
    Says: ‘There lies such a nice boy, Lawd Lawd’
    Says: ‘There lies such a nice boy’

    Well, every Christmas mornin’
    When the carolers start to sing
    You can hear Kris Kringle’s joy start to rise
    You can hear Kris Kringle jingling, Lawd Lawd
    You can hear Kris Kringle jingling

I originally started with the idea of Santa Claus vs. AI, because it’s everyone vs. AI here in The Digital ‘Twenties. The idea percolated (or festered) without going anywhere in particular for a few weeks. Then John Henry came to me from somewheres and I did that switch-words thing for a bit. So, here we are.

Royalty Free Lyrics “Those Bells”

Another fun idea generator (theft) is to grab a song or poem that you like or just know well and swap out some words or phrases to ‘parody’ some other idea. It beats coming up with everything on your own. While only moderately impressed with EA Poe’s needy, greedy body of work, i do lean in on his so-called ‘last poem.’ It’s great for high schoolers, ‘cuz it’s atmospheric, complex, and freakin’ nuts. I would read this aloud to a class, gathering speed, until i was red-faced and spittling. Wot fun.

Those Bells

!.

Hear the horses with their bells—
                 Jingle bells!
Signifiying Christmastime, they're better'n cowbells!
        How they jingle, jingle, jingle,
           While the beasts stay on the track!
        While the cold wind does its thingy
        All my fingers no more tingle
           Now I feel like a coatrack;
         Beating them, again,
         Against the wooden bench,
To the tinnitus and throbbing that so painfully swells
       Frozen bells, bells, bells, bells,
               Bells, those bells—
  Frozen jingling, endless jingling of those bells.

$$.

        Hear the house of worship bells,
                 Booming bells!
What a world of high tithing their insistency compels!
        Through the high mass at midnight
        How they test their acolytes!
           From the comfortable halls,
               And please stay calm,
           While they got you by the wall(et)
    To the altar boy with baskets, for your right
               To bear alms!
         Oh, from out of the pulpit,
What a gush of old phonies look like old hypocrites!
               How they smell!
               How they dwell
           Upon finance! Does it help
           To 'charge' more than they can 'sell'?
         To the bingeing and the cringing
           Of those bells, bells, bells,
         Of those bells, bells, bells, bells,
               And more bells—
  To the remand and the demand of those bells!

$$$.

         Hear sudden telephone bells—
                 Brazen balls!
What crock of wonders, with their hard-sell sales calls!
       To the startled bread winner
       How they interrupt dinner!
         Too much garrulous to hear,
         They can only sneer 'Sir',
                  In my ear,
In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of my cash,
In a slick appropriation of my dwindling, poor stash,
            Calling again, again, again,
            Let me take it in the den,
         Become a charity member
         Hey, how'd you get this number?
       By the front of the living room
            Oh, door bells, more bells!
            What a sale the students sell
                  Fund Raising!
       How they smile, and ask for more!
       What a story at my door
While the carolers also expect something!
       Yet the bank it fully knows,
            By the debits,
            And the credits,
         How the budget ebbs and flows;
       Yet the bank distinctly tells,
            In the expense,
            Of the statements.
       How the budget sinks and swells,
By the sinking or the swelling in the number of those bills—
             Of those bills—
     Of those bills, bills, bills, bills,
            Bills, bills, bills—
 In correcting and collecting of those bills!

!$.

          Hear the totaling of these bells—
                 Cashier bells!
What a stupid spending spree their long receipt retells!
        In the chaos of the mall,
        How we shiver in thermals
  At the condescending toy-sound of Ka-ching!
        For every sack that's stuffed
        With pajamas and earmuffs
                 Is parting.
        And the censors—so much tenser—
       They that picket at the Spencer's
                 Some marching.
        And who strolling, trolling, rolling,
          In that short dress--eye catching,
         Feel it's boring to be standing
          Waiting in line for Santa—
     Elves are neither man nor woman—
     Elves are neither cute nor Tolkein—
              They are Temps:
        Their 'head elf' it is controls;
        And he trolls, trolls, trolls,
                    Trolls
             The long line from the elves!
          And his merry elf hat points
             To the next one he anoints!
          And he dances like he's twelve;
          Clocking overtime,
          On the shopping mall's fat dime,
             To the lineup of those elves—
               Of those elves:
          It's so asinine,
          He let short dress cut the line,
            To the winking of those elves—
          Of those elves, elves, elves—
            To the blinking of those elves;
          Keeping us in line,
            As he speaks, then spells,
          He can't even say your name,
            To the laughing of those elves—
          Of those elves, elves, elves—
            To the charging for photos,
      From those elves, elves, elves, elves—
              Elves, elves, elves—
  From the abuse of those obtuse little elves.

Whew. That took a minute. Original songwriting, it turns out, can be easier than stealing. I even think some of that was pretty good, though i’m not sure why i set in in 1991 (telemarketers? a phone extension in the den? the mall?). Now, as to its musicality… much has been made of the original Poe-m. I’ve even mentioned the cool folk Phil Ochs song of it in this blog before. Now i’ve discovered an Alan Parsons Project take on it–cuts fewer lines, though it is sonorous in its churchiness. I don’t believe i’ve ruined the musicality of the text by relieving myself on it. It plays itself.

Royalty Free Lyrics “History of Snowmen”

Another trick when you’re running on empty–artistically–is found poetry. We speak, conversationally, in metrical cadence (usu. iambic pentameter). So ANYTHING overheard can be a song (and sometimes is). But I prefer pilfering published prose to borrow ideas as well as text. A touch of editing and verse might appear. (Not going to force the rhyme, here. That’s too much work.)

History of Snowmen

Documentation of the first snowman's unclear.
Bob Eckstein, in History of the Snowman,
Found snowman art of the Middle Ages in
European museums, art galleries, and libraries.

The earliest he found was an anti-Semitic
Marginalia from a 1380 book of hours.
Michaelangelo was commissioned by 
Pero de Medici to make one in 1494.

[chorus]
While the origin of snowmen remains unclear,
They have been used in history to make statements.

In 1511 Brussels's snowman festival
Hoped to appease its hungry and poor.
However, instead of building snowmen,
The people built pornographic sculptures.

The concept made its way to America
By the Schenectady Massacre of 1690.
It is said that two guards in charge 
Left snowmen at the gate while they went drinkin'.

[chorus]

Now this brazen plagiarism is abetted by two factors: i stole it from Wikipedia (where i pledge several pennies every year), and i own–and have read–this book (a gift from my sister, the librarian). So this rambling might possibly work as a folk screed manifesto.

Royalty Free Lyrics “Away in a Reflective Suite”

Into the fourth week of churning out a song a day (i don’t know how Dolly does it!) and, boy, are my cantos tired. So here’s a creative writing nudge i learned long ago: random phrase! If you can generate two words (easiest would be adjective-noun) then meditate upon them you will learn two things: nothing is truly random for our brains, and writing is just sorting through the nonsense anyways. I like to use dice (10d) to generate page and line and word numbers to grab out of any book (which often results in ‘and-the’), but in updating my prompter i sought out the website randomwordgenerator.com. It’s not precisely suited to my needs, but i got two adjectives (reflective, legal) and two nouns (suite, brand). This doubles the chances of ideation. For some reason reflective suite seemed festive. Then it occurred to me: What a great place to be ‘Away in.’ So I began scribbling…

Away in a Reflective Suite

Hey, Mary, are you pregnant?
Won't you come our way?
Got a copter, it'll take you
To our ski chalet! (distant: passes gratis!)

[chorus]
Everyone knows the news!
We all heard the story!
The penthouse is still open--
Endorse us with Glory! (distant: no contracts. no worries!)

Don't listen, we can beat that--
Give you loads to eat!
Got the heat on and some mirrors
In our reflective suite! (distant: let there be light!)

[chorus]
Everyone knows the news!
We all heard the story!
The penthouse is still open--
Endorse us with Glory! (distant: such clean lavatories!)

Ditch the burro, use our town car;
Staff nurses standing by.
No Herods here, only concierges
Who'll sing lullabies! (distant: rum pum pumpum)

[chorus]
Everyone knows the news!
We all heard the story!
The penthouse is still open--
Endorse us with Glory! (distant: two thousand year sorry!)

Doors are open, room at The Inn,
Just give us a chance!
Won't be sorry, wait'll you meet
Three wise doormans! (distant: Gord, Frank, & Merv!)

[chorus]
Everyone knows the news!
We all heard the story!
The penthouse is still open--
Endorse us with Glory! (distant: annunciatory!)
          (distant, fading: full bar inventory... we'll never be boring....)

So, yeah, another What if the Jay-by were born today? But, in this case, we were all steeped in X-tiananity already and hoping–and hyping in competition with other hostelries–to make up for past sins when Mary and Jo came trundling up. There are songs out there that proclaim: If it’d been me, I woulda given you MY bed, Lord. Seriously. Pop commercial jingle style music here. Or folk (ironically).

Royalty Free Lyrics “The Twelve Years of Christmas”

After blowing up my skills on an earlier ’12 Days’ parody, i still have to admit to liking those caroldies of ’12’ that never repeat any of the lines (while i still loathe the original for its headache inducing redundancy). So another idea i’d been batting around was baby’s first Christmas… times twelve. In other words, what’d we get the kid each year until teenagery twisted the whole present-thing up into uncertain resentments. That would mean plenty of room to list or explain more presents each try, as one does, to buy the love of that little person. (I do have a grownup offspring; so i do have to say that, even though i began this as a list of regular gifts, it gets personal.)

The Twelve Years of Christmas

On my child's first Christmas
We truly gave to him
His full name on a glass ball

On my child's second Christmas
We truly gave to him
Santa onesies
And shoes that blinked when you took steps

On my child's third Christmas
We truly gave to him
Chocolate mints
A fire truck
Dr. Seuss books that we read to him

On my child's fourth Christmas
We truly gave to him
A baseball mitt
A Lite Brite
Red roller skates
And a Batman action figure

On my child's fifth Christmas
We truly gave to him
Rubik's cube!
Toobers & Zots
Three pairs socks
Some Mega Bloks
And a big stuffed alligator

On my child's sixth Christmas
We truly gave to him
Two coloring books
Lego sets!
Dinosaur books
Turtle necks
Bionicles
And six videos (of) Pokemon

On my child's seventh Christmas
We truly gave to him
Rescue dog from the pound
More Bionicles
Magnetix!
Yu-gi-oh cards
Underwear
Foaming bath wash
Set of chocolates from the world

On my child's eighth Christmas
We truly gave to him
The Simpsons' Clue game
Super Marbler Construct(ion)
Lego pirate ship
Rock tumbler!
Creepy Crawlers
A dart board
A Paint'n'Swirl
And a bubble blowing machine

On my child's ninth Christmas
We truly gave to him
A woodburning kit
Crystal growing kit
Pokemon Arena
Pop Bottle Science
Stratego!
Chemistry set
Connect Four
A Whoopee cushion
3D puzzle of Titanic

On my child's tenth Christmas
We truly gave to him
Marble Run Vortex
Harry Potter books
Card Captors board game
Puzzle sphere of the earth
Digital wrist watch
Twelve card decks!
The game Mousetrap
Crochet hooks
Operation
Dungeons and Dragons starter set

On my child's eleventh Christmas
We truly gave to him
Jackie Chan Adventure shows
Hercules board game
More Pokemon decks
Nintendo Gameboy
Chess & checkers set
Velcro shoes!
Heroscape
A stuffed wolf
Carcassonne game
Dungeon Master's Guide three point five

On my child's twelfth Christmas
We truly gave to him
Dragon figurines
Big Guy & Rusty puzzle
Another stuffed wolf
Discworld books
A venus flytrap
Atlantis Stargate discs
Settlers of Cattan
Punching bag!
Heroclix
Risk board game
Air Hogs R/C
Pounds of loose rings to knit chain mail

Meter scans for crap, and this song never cared about the rhyme. But i feel like this is a psychological study into a person. You could redo this idea into the profile of a budding nut job with weirder and weirder offerings. I mean that wasn’t my intention. Many of these things are up in our attic, and our son is fine (largely). So this might just be for me… Next!

Royalty Free Lyrics “The X-Mens’ Xmas”

Been a comic book reader since 1966 or so. Collected way back when. Not much left. In fact, i’m not sure what superheroes are up to these days (apologies to my middle school drawing buddy, Ron). But you are what you read, and this title was there for the taking, so–

The X-Mens’ Xmas

Professor Christ-savior sent mental commands
For all elf and mutants to do what they can
To save the holidays from the greedy and damned
While wearing black and yellow for no reason.

   Scott's eyebeams led them through the snow and fog,
   Jean's telekinesis dropped gifts down flus,
   Iceman helped the sleigh travel through Florida,
   And Beast beat down the doors with no fireplace.

Then governments sent Sentinels to stop the joy
Making parents shop on line for every toy.
Another generation would needs must be deployed,
More mutants helped--once Magneto they destroyed.

   Collosus hefted furniture as gifts,
   Kitty Pride peeped though walls to see kids sleep,
   Nightcrawler 'bamf'ed the presents under trees,
   Wolverine killed Scrooge, The Grinch, and Hans Gruber, three.

The public turned against them, picketing the grounds,
And the Professor's killed--the seventh time around.
Future versions warned them: Yule's doomed as doomed can be,
So New Mutants used Warlock as a Christmas tree.

   Cannonball made quick work of deliveries,
   Sunspot powered up the sleigh--which had used wood,
   Madrox made multiples to fight The Tick's nemesis,
   Legion changed all reality to good.

Chock full o’ inside jokes. Which i may have gotten off base, as i was never a big fan of this romance comic turned anti-racist primer. Retro rock for this, a la Herman’s Hermits or sumpin’. (I think.) And if Disney/Fox wants to come after me for honoring this legacy’s early years… they know where to find me.

Royalty Free Lyrics “Christmas College”

I have spended much of life in education. (Stopped pursuing a PhD, however, due to money and irrelevance.) Still a passion, viz: my toilet book at this time is a composition textbook i picked up in a little library. So this was more fun to pen.

Christmas College

At Christmas College
Yuletide knowledge 
Is more than arts & crafts.
All the classes
Are proactive
Although we're understaffed.

Your tuition
And ambition'll
Getcha'on the Dean's Nice List.
Bet you can't wait
To relocate...
This quad's the iciest.

You will choose from
Curriculums
That specialize in Yule.
Then you'll be graded
Or upbraided
Until you're supercool.

Graduation
To vocations
Can take four years or more.
Beyond that tour,
Grade school is for
Xmas warriors' armor.

[freeform]
Meet the undergrads!
Marjorie majors in magi studies...
Melvin minors in menorahs...
Tate takes Twelve Days in his spare time...
Inez interns in tinsel stenciling...
Carrie's curriculum is cookie crumbs...
Woodrow's workshopping wooden toys...
Babs has a lab in fab wrapping...
Eli's electives are Elvish...

[more freeform]
Here comes the staff!
The Grinch is Dean of Admissions--you ain't gettin' in!
Frosty's the faculty's frontman--but his doors're froze closed!
Krampus is big man on campus--yet his attendance's poor!
Rudolph is off on sabbatical--writing his memoir!
John McClane keeps your nose clean--as security!
George Bailey will make you believe--in student loans!
Heat Miser's your advisor--he's too much!
Santa sent yer semester grades--keep in touch!

Okay, i’m not sure what i meant by ‘freeform,’ it’s just that the alliteration took me over like a fit or something. Had to do it, Mother Matriculation. So… rap? I didn’t exactly work on the rhymes, but… white-boy rap?