Gunna Celebrate.204 Ruger

I may have made it clear, Jean Shepherd is a good writer… ‘A Christmas Story’ is an unfunny, bland movie. Regardless, ’tis the season.

Cruel Buddhist simply mixes samples of the dialogue into lofi for the unimpressive “Red Rider BB Gun.” You’ll do WHAT with the rifle?!

Colburn Sound Express does a nicely hyperactive big band sound for their interpretation “Red Ryder.” Speak softly and open carry an air gun.

Radiant Radish gets more rock and roll with “I Don’t Want Your Tinker Toys.” Guess what he wants instead.

“Christmas Wish List” from Ian Yo Yo Yo (JibJab) puts Ralphie to rappin’. ‘Nuff said.

Daryl Girard goes down on the farm with his country take on the real wishing. “Catalog Dreams” recalls a time long past of shopping for Christmas through the mail, not mall. Despite the likelihood of hundreds of choices, we only hear about dolls and BB guns. Should cover it.

Gunna Celebrate.20 VarTarg

Not traditionally a holiday carol “You Can’t Blame the Youth” is Bob Marley and The Wailers’ treatise on societal indoctrination: When every Christmas come, You buy the youth a pretty toy gun.

And that, i s’pose, puts me in mood for gangsta rap. Slaughterhouse (feat. Weed) offers to shoot everyone for “Christmas Fun Time.” So i’ll lose the invitation.

All the hoods are here, spreading Christmas cheer, Handguns and wine in Big Bad VooDoo Daddy’s “Christmastime in Tinseltown.” Swing revival counts.

Gunna Celebrate.19 Calhoun Hornet

A song to the “Christmas Gun” by Michael Gross, Bryan Szymanski, and Matt Glass features ratatat rock and fatalism.

Valley of Love ups the Tarantino quotient with a slow-mo guitar introspection, “My Boy Got His Gun.” Christmas is the backdrop for this pending doom.

Angry Johnny & The Killbillies have graced our posts liberally–‘cuz they’re awesome–but we haven’t taken a moment for “Shootin’ Snowmen.” This soft country song about a rural tradition you might want to avoid addresses a strange xenophobia and the redneck response.

Gunna Celebrate.17 Winchester Super Magnum

Why do you want a gun for Christmas? Jamir Fork indies the answer in “I Want a Gun for Christmas.” Now you know.

“All I Want for Christmas is a Broom Handle Mauser” by Alan.s.Robinson is a festive folk jig about taking care of problems. Get some.

Jonathan Mann has reviewed Twitter and cobbled together the lyrics for “A Gun for Christmas” with some rocking folk. Much more entertaining than you’d figure.

Gunna Celebrate.double aught buckshot

For the Second Amendment, my government gave to me… the means of overpowering all bad things (segue from last month!!) with violence and grievous bodily harm. Guns have a troubled history. Are they just handheld cannons? Did they ruin Samurai culture? Do they taint everything America has ever done? Will they make the ideal holiday gift?

Part of my Christmas Lists theme of 2016 included this medley:

A gun – The Vandals with more punkish punk. Ian Yo Yo Yo (Jib Jab Brothers) go urban for the Red Ryder Rifle. (Still preferable to the ‘Christmas Story’ musical version.) Best of the range is Roy Zimmerman’s  “Buy War Toys for Christmas.” Made Demento famous by The Twang.

Also previously posted was Seth McFarlane’s American Dad “I Want a Gun for Christmas.” The irony!

But there’s so much more! Granted much of it is lame, or low caliber (hint for level of humor), like Rocky Mountain Mike’s “The Christmas Gun Nut Song.” This Chipmunk parody seems to cut off before the shooting starts.

One of my favorite ‘sides’ is Wall of Voodoo’s “Shouldn’t Have Given Him a Gun for Christmas.” Post Punk with an unflinching backbeat. Call the news.

Shouldn’t Have Given Him a Gun For Christmas · Wall of Voodoo
byu/ColdBlackWater inChristmasMusic

Bring It On

Covered all the bases for a terrible, horrible, not very good Christmas, have we? Let’s see.

End of the world was last month, but something always falls through the cracks. Like “A Merry Nuclear Christmas” from X-Ray Mary. Old time rock and roll, babies.

also missed on the blog was “Worst Christmas Ever (Christmas of the Dead)” from Hardeman. Zombies are back with a vengeance.

Even more apocalyptic is “The Star That Fell to Earth” from Edison Lighthouse (those ‘My Love Grows (Where Rosemary Goes)’ guys). Prog rock about the meteor that heralded Christ. Look out! Save the dinosaurs!

The other end of the spectrum includes “The Worst Part of Christmas is You” wherein Oak Winter Red warbles out an alt-folk diatribe about how a cup of cocoa ruins EVERYTHING!

More relevant, Jeremih & Chance the Rapper rap-belt out “Tragedy” about a homeless man, and Winter, and fried sugary bells, and ghosts. I guess. It’s a bad scene.

“The. Worst. Christmas. Ever.” according to Lux Lisbon is still better than every other day. Thus endeth the lesson. Pop rock music preaches again.

End of the Line, Fatso

Experimental ‘music’ from Concave Onion claims Santa is a multiple murderer. And it’s “Worse Than Coal.” Sheesh.

“Psycho Ho Ho” from El Camino features a Santa who has fewer motivations, but rockabilly menace. I’d steer clear.

Davey Dips’s “Post-Traumatic Santa Claus Disorder” is a rap tale about Billy who is orphaned by that red menace. Oh, it’s just a movie.

Comeuppance arrives from Hot Buttered Elves who find “Pieces of Santa” all over the front room. This new age indie offering makes it sound like El Giftarella was delivering faulty ordnance. Ouch. Still, magic sack….

Ben & Tucker admit through gritted teeth and folk strumming that Santa Claus is dead… and now he’s coming for me! Tune in to “White Turns Red” to find out more.

Please… Don’t… I Have Children….

Vengeance escalates, then murder. For christmas!

The most twisted vengeful song only digs one grave with the pop wisecracking of Kunt and the Gang in “Kuntish Christmas.” Lots of evil wishing, so don’t worry.

“Santa’s Revenge” is a new age lite metal from Infinity Greenhouse about Dead Santa returning to grant atom bombs to the kids, to make the world pay for their sins. Is this Futurama?

“Silent Night Deadly Night” is mass slaughter metal rocked from Vista Blue. The orphan says, they’re gonna pay. Now we got a song!

Young Mark’s “The Farewell Ballad of Holiday Wonderment and Joy and Blood Also” is a mini-show of in memoriam, but only screaming so at the end. Whoa, that came out of nowhere.

Inward Chills direct “CSI Lapland,” a tinkly ad lib folk corrado about Santa killing. Will justify prevail?

Only You Can Prevent Xmas Fires

‘Chicago Fire’ fan lyrics with “In Harm’s Way,” a country folk elegy from Kid Mayhem. It’s about those heroes who spend Christmas with you and your charred remains.

Parody’s back! Dave Rudolf tackles Johnny Cash in his “Flue of Fire.” Santa don’t like it when you leave a light on for him!

Piedmont Songbag seems to revel in the arson. “A Christmas to Remember” is a soft folk dialogue between nostalgic rememberers and that year the tree burned down (pretty colors!). But then “Burning the Christmas Tree” is an insistent polka of ritualistic bacchanalia.

Stop, Drop, and Roll

House fires are more common around the holidays due to the advanced stupidity that coddles the rabid consumer. That and the decline of Western Civilization.

Eye suck industrializes garage rock for a visit to a “Bad Christmas.” We’re all suffering, my dudes.

It’s just the tree for Destroying Something Beautiful in the whispery indie “The Worst Christmas We Ever Had.” Family dysfunction!

Simpler parody from Dave Williams. “O Schadenfreude” takes on the Fox News conspiracy that their public spectacle of a (fake) tree was torched as a hate crime in 2021.

Zydeco fun from Dave & Jeanine advising you NOT to forget to “Put Out the Ol’ Yule Log.” Consequences of such a lapse include inferno.