Month: March 2024

Have Yourself a Hairy Little Christmas

“What Have You Done to Your Hair?” is the alt rock refrain Harrison Lemke suffers when visiting the older relatives in Central Oregon for the holidays. Your choices matter; but your rationales don’t, groomer.

Duck Dynasty‘s The Robertsons bring the down home country down to the level of sweet family cliche in “Hairy Christmas.” They’re shaggy, armed, redneck, but Christian.

“Christmas Hair” from Joy Riding is another family dynamic. Young people partying need to fix up their best features like there’s something wrong with them. Indie rock with regrets.

Mr. Husband rewards our patience with the laid back rockabilly “Christmas Hair-Do.” He also wants to look his best: beehive? pony tail? afro? What’s a boy to do to look good?

Kwanzaa Kwaffure

What’s that on top of your head?! In “Rockabilly Christmas” it’s Santa’s hair–piled high! Big Bad Voodoo Daddy swings that thing.

Updating (or mocking, it’s so hard to know with young people) They Live by Night honor St. Lucia with “Lucia (I Deserve Candles in My Hair).” Alt rock reverence, i guess.

“Just Put a Ribbon in Your Hair” is a country attempt at romance: all I want for Christmas is you, with a little adornment. Is it ‘cuz your hair’s a mess? Is that ALL I want you wearing? Eddy Arnold cornpones the cornsilk outta this.

In some kinda mashup Rev Run (Feat Mase, Puff Daddy, Snoop Dogg, Salt N Pepa, Onyx, & Keith Murray) wail on “Santa Baby.” They not only want rich gifts for themselves, but also My little sister needs a comb just to braid her nappy hair. Rap your head around that.

Hark the Hair Old Angle

“Santa Hair” by GazzookaBazooka is a paean to Kristmas Kringle’s faboo style. But the indie garage never takes off, just sadly retro pops.

Ariane Grande occasionally recuts her tunes for the holidays, but i still don’t get “My Hair (Christmas Version).” Is the hair the loved one? Is the hair the boundary between like and love? Is it a woman of color thing? And how is this Christmas? Oh, well.

On the Job wishes you a “Merry Christmas and Short Cropped Hair.” This punk petition possibly refers to their signature skinhead coiffure. Accept it graciously.

Maxwell, Miranda & Paisley celebrate Christmas at the “A1 Instructional Barbering Plus.” Soft, tremulous indie with a setting in mind. Less hair, more merry.

The Child With the Style on His Head

Primate Punk’s “Rudolph the Mohawked Reindeer” is pretty much what you suppose. Kid-friendly punk. Apart from one Santa stomping.

“Santa Claus Has Dreadlocks” fools around with a Carrib-beat, but Eric Stone is just kidding. Apart from one smoky trail or two.

Monsters from the Surf much improve on the theme with appropriate punk in “Santa’s Got a Mohawk.” See the difference in artistic integrity?

Nerf Herder lets their punk flag fly for the drolly hilarious “Santa Has a Mullet.” Business in the front, party in the hat.

Still Still Style

A Bit Shifty has gifted us “A Switchblade Christmas.” This quiet indie begins the way you think it ought: kid wants a switchblade. But he gets a switchblade comb. Fun! Remember those? (boy, i’m old)

The “Hipster Christmas List” includes a comb For my self-indulgent beard Maybe some mustache wax For when it starts looking weird. The Stickups also mention clove cigarettes, a stocking cap, some vinyl… why this rocking list never ends!

“Behind Every Christmas” by Matthew Simon Clark is a hypnotic indie tribute to a comb. I poop you not. (Unless i’m not getting something.)

Do You Have Hair Where I Don’t Have Hair?

Sugies get wootsie cutesy with the pop “If This isn’t Christmas.” It’s all pozzie, but i smell irony: And now even dogs are wearing Santa’s beard….

“Jean Luc the Bald Headed Captain” is Rick Moyer’s STTNG obsession gone for a holiday. It’s clever in a impress-your-grandpa way.

The Christmas Jug Band follows, somewhat lamely, with “Rudolph the Bald Headed Reindeer.” It glows in a reflective way, y’see. Sigh.

The Balds of St. Mary’s

Contoy’s (feat. achie elGhazaoui) “Gone Bald” is a Christmas cry for help. Club rock of the lowest elements.

Rhett & Link (& friends) of Good Mythical Morning take us on a bit of a detour with the driving pop of “Christmas Face.” Tinsel mustaches and Christmas tree beards make this puff piece hair-relatable.

Matthew Bright drawls piano bar for “I Can’t be Going Bald This Christmas.” Seems that, out of love, he drank some chemicals to shrink and…. this happened. That’s what i heard him say.

Until the Son of God Tapered (or Block Cut)

Jimmy Fallon (with Meghan Trainor) swear no gifts in the rapping “Wrap Me Up.” But he does wonder if he’s getting a razor (or a manscaper). She’s offering hugs, instead.

Pufftube synths, or merely cheap out on recording equipment, for the garage experimental “Let’s Shave Rudolph.” It’s so crazy it just might work!

Roger Wodehouse glam rocks about a “Personal Menorah.” He’s hoping for an intro to the eight nights of love. (Love me like I’m Samson: Cut off all my hair.)

Shaven in a Manger

Mimi Teddy synths the voice to become kidsong, but it’s so scary. “Merry Christmas to You” recounts block chain problems, reindeer retardation, and how Santa Claus is waiting for his beard to regrow; His barber shaved it off by mistake a month ago. Nightmare!

Previously, it was an honor to share Joel Samberg’s “Holiday Shaving Cream,” a holidaytion of the old Benny Bell classic (as heard on the Dr. Demento Show throughout the ’70s).

Da ADR Crew update that with the rapping “Santa’s Shaving Cream.” Short and… shaving cream.

Haircuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Lamba Lamby delivers a slightly better kidsong encouraging kids (or baby animals at least) to answer the question “Where is Santa’s Beard?” With the proper shouting, children may help Santa decide what to replace his lost locks with (oddly, he loses his beard in painful accidents including fire and falling).

Pit and Penny have less luck in the short “Santa Lost His Beard.” What a kidsong mess.

Bucky Habanero attribute senile dementia to the time “Santa Shaved.” Light country, but quite critical of that old’un messing with tradition.