Stop, Drop, and Roll

House fires are more common around the holidays due to the advanced stupidity that coddles the rabid consumer. That and the decline of Western Civilization.

Eye suck industrializes garage rock for a visit to a “Bad Christmas.” We’re all suffering, my dudes.

It’s just the tree for Destroying Something Beautiful in the whispery indie “The Worst Christmas We Ever Had.” Family dysfunction!

Simpler parody from Dave Williams. “O Schadenfreude” takes on the Fox News conspiracy that their public spectacle of a (fake) tree was torched as a hate crime in 2021.

Zydeco fun from Dave & Jeanine advising you NOT to forget to “Put Out the Ol’ Yule Log.” Consequences of such a lapse include inferno.

Get Offa My Lawn!

Property damage can be a felony if motivated by some of that racism stuff i was just trying to get beyond. So only break windows of people you don’t know anything about, kids!

It’s pretty rotten when it happens to you! Elfie of Christmas Workshop Band shares the pain when the “Dog Ate My Christmas Toy.” Experimental pop heavy on the electronics and amateurism.

The “Vandalizing Reindeer” in Flooded Cellar’s folk ballad go after the narrator’s car–with him in it! But it’s parked in the snow, and results only in a three-day standoff. Not so much vehicular damage here.

Tippin’ Over the Christmas Tree” is fine sing-along blues from Beatnik Turtle. Seems negligent rather than malevolent. Sax solo!

JINGLE JERKS punk grunge their “Christmastime Unholy Fruitcake Massacre” as a purge night license to unleash holy hell. Some persons may get injured, but i’m more worried about Mr.s Cantmeier’s front yard inflatable camo Santas.

Piedmont Songbag fingers Mr. Feldenstein as hiring the kids to go about Christmas week “Popping the Inflatables” for money. So felonious conspiracy to a lovely Germanic backbeat (and Klezmer finish!).

Well, Blech

Worst Time of the Year” as mumbled by Andor frets over loneliness and… other stuff. Man, they harshed my buzz.

Poverty contributes to “Mr German Luiz Manzanos Worst Christmas Ever II.” Kristian Noel Pedersen tinkles some ivories into blues. For Christmas!

Worst Time of the Year” from Shaprece w/House of Breaking Glass returns, allowing how great Xmas is, except when we’re broken up, you see. Jazzy R+B.

The Worst Time of the Year” for Brathair is a homesick Christmas. The USA just isn’t Ireland. Not in December anyways.

X Files-mas: Mari Lwyd

A trip to South Wales reveals a tradition lost to time in which a horse’s head (skull) was set on a pole and followed house to house with singing for food and drink (wassailing). The translation for this community fete seems to be ‘gray mare’ or it could ‘blessed Mary’ bc of the wintry times it’s enacted. I’m betting on the former.

For local flavor let’s sample a Celtic verse: “Mari Lwyd” by Carreg Lafar. Huh? (Take it from me, the songs about this oddness are mostly NOT English.)

Eglish Acoustic Collective seem to codeswitch in their “Mari Lwyd.” Might be a manger in there.

Wassailing With The Mari Lwyd” by Sloar+Mordor gives a prog rock side to the hand out beggary.

S.J. Tucker sings to “Welcome Mari Lwyd” with New Age picking and thumping. Open that door, man!

House Made of Dawn is more threatening in the give and take of their “Mari Lwyd.” Stale bread!

A Silly Little Time takes the time to warn all outsiders of the “Mari Lwyd.” Scary stuff, but old folk Celtic so also pretty.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Crossed Cannons album

The Crossed Cannons seem like a coupl’a talented guys. Their guitar, tambourine, drum and knee slapping creates just the right rum-soaked venue for their old-timey carol parodies. “Red Sky at Night” makes violent light of ‘Silent Night.’ But “Eggnog in a Jar” is way old world folk. Not sure of it’s source. “Roll Santa’s Sleigh Along” is pure shanty. Fun for the whole family, with less pirate rage. “I’m Stuck in the Chimney” is sing-along cute. There’re a couple near-misses, but overall, A Pirate Christmas Story is a great addition to your pirate Christmas music collection. There is also a video of their show with amusing patter.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Grog’n’Ale

Ross Mayhew stands and delivers (somewhat effetely) “A Pirate’s Christmas Eve.” He’s hoping for plunder under his tree, but seems to be part of the hard-partying crew. Still, this jolly ditty is just off enough to arouse the blog.

The Jolly Rogers roust up some gee-dee fine pirate shanties if that be t’yer liken. But their One holiday number, “Loose Cannons” (AKA ‘Christmas in Carrick’)’ is all about the feasting and drinking and carrying on… and drinking. Cheers.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-& a Bottle of Rum

Pirates drink grog, right?

We’re glanced at Jimmy Buffett’s “Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum” before. Overorchestrated pop that wants to be smooth calypso when it grows up, it’s a Santa escape tale. (As well as the superior–in humor and talent–punk take by The Cucumbers. Santa be nasty here.)

Less piratey is Taco and De Mofos dealing with fam and other relationships in the bouncy house of rap from “Ho, Ho, Ho & a Bottle of Rum.” See, he’s gonna have his fun… drinking all the pain away… like a thief on the open seas. (?)

Cobbled together out of Treasure Island and sung by Craig Toungate, “Yo, Ho, Ho, and a Bottle of Rum!!” is a fine shanty of offensively inoffensive pop Celtic music. It is not quite holiday-centric, but fun. The Roger Wagner Chorale makes a meal of it. Had to lean into pirates celebrating, darkly as they do.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Tom Mason album

Tom Mason and the Blue Buccaneers take a less novel approach to their album A Pirate’s Christmas. It sails fair waters of standards with aught but the occasional sitar, shanty, or argh. Some fine fiddlin’, but that cut no mustard with our blog. Still, for your consideration….

It’s Christmas Day” is a dandy number, a rollicking Celtic how-to celebrate and decorate. Just happens to be on a ship. No fuss ’bout that at all. ‘Ceptin’ for that insistent trombone.

Yo Ho Ho (Pirate’s Christmas)” is the gem at the top of the treasures. A shanty of Santa vs. the pirates re-teaches us that Mr. Christmas is not tone trifled with. It’s a party song that tells a tale. A lessons those what need be.

Yuletide: Like a Boat

Crappy boat metaphor helps fill Christmas albums, too. Ahoy.

BIG BLUE ALERT for the rap from Coi Leray (ft. Dess Dior & Maliibu Miitch) wishing a “Merry Xmas” to all the boys whether they locked up in the penitentiary or wildin’ on the boat. Spirited, but what’s that boat about?

More rap from St. Crypt.: Cause I am tired of rowing a boat with my bros but when I am not looking they drilling some holes (Holes!) Self sabotaging, i guess. But “Crypt” is about not really being yourself. Like the true spirit of Xmas. Or sumpn.

Cuter rap makes me realize the dearth of figurative language in our language and in our rap. “Holiday Jam” by ajasont notes that the cider is steaming like a boat. Now that’s just silly.

Nervous about family together and “For Those Who Can’t Be Here,” Tom Walker folk-pops: ‘Round the table banter flows Prayin’ no one rocks the boat. Careful now.

Sinking Ships For Other Assorted Holidays” by Bad Witch employs pissed out figurative language to liven up the rock and roll. It’s a fun mess.

Tori Amos offers We’ll sail on a Christmastide.” Indie grrl pop floats my boat. But this seems more pagan than reverent.

Off topic (perhaps), is “Tomato Christmas” from Eric Holm. More thick poetry: Oh, the Summer’s ripe in the face of its death And all the spirits of the departed  Carry our boat over the lake with the force of their breath. It’s August. Perhaps the boat is real, but Christmas is the metaphor.

The Shanks describe “When My Ship Hits Christmas Day” with weird brassy pop rock (like Chicago?). I don’t get it, but i’m dancing.

Bound for Bethlehem” is a fine Celtic carol from The Barra NacNeils about the pilgrimage to the birthplace. But it’s by boat. To a landlocked place. Or is it by angel–? Are we dead?