Will the Real Santa Claus Please Stand Up?

Worth another listen: Bob Noxious degrades the iconography of Santa with “Where’s Me Fuckin’ Sherry.” He’s there to slurp, shag, and scoffer. MASSIVE BLUE ALERT

Just as obscene comes Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson with “What about Poor Old Santa Claus.” A BLUE ALERT day in the life for that guy.

I’ve shared Clarence Carter’s “Back Door Santa” before. But have we tried the FEMALE version (by Morgan James) yet? Se-duc-tive blues.

jennyinstereo goes BLUE ALERT with the Xmas party pickup line: I’ve got my “Sleigh Outside,” Baby–c’mon with me…. R+Bish rap-lite.

Crankshaft Alligator’s Santa is on the make in the troubling R+B car crash “Downchimney.”

Me, Santa

I Wanna Be Your Santa Claus” from Johnny Pierre is a romantic overture of the bluesy rock kind. Comes on heavy, but so’s Santa.

R+B with a disco edge pushes Rufus Thomas to declare “I’ll be Your Santa Baby.” I believe. ‘Til 1984.

Soul from DJ Prototype makes the room swirl. “I Wanna be Your Santa Claus” is gonna get you some! (Put it on a loop, though: the beginning and ending are clipped.)

Keith James goes falsetto R+B in “Santa for You.” Smokey.

Gregory Porter (Featuring Roxiie Reese) brings us more seductive R+B. “I’m Your Santa Tonight Baby” is consistent, insistent, and persistent. Don’t be resistant.

Danger! Intruder!

Is Santa… a monster? Worth repeating: “Christmas is Creepy” by Fred Figglehorn is the ADHD synthed kidsong from a previous generation. Like 2010. Wow.

Beefus concocts an odd Xmas musical (Daddy Slap Chop and the Santa Gland) in which Santa undergoes a horrific transformation: “What’s Happening to My Body?” he screams. Graphic, yet comedic jazz/R+B.

Mark Cummings retells “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas” about the time he mistakenly climbed into the nuclear reactor, began to glow, and seemed to disappear. Weird.

Now in Terrorcore! Kurwastyle Project hammers at the electronica to give us “Santa Stole Your Children.” A nightmare Pete the Elf hepped me to.

Sprighty old world folk from Alan.s.Robinson reveals that “Santa Claus has Eaten the Baby.” WTF? Is he an Ultraliberal Democrat? Monstrous!

Transvestimentals applies hard rock to “Scary Santas (And Christmas Creeps).” It’s the same old story: girl runs from old man in panic.

Jeff Hershey & The Heartbeats reveals all in the moody R+B “Santa Claus is a Monster.” Creeping, eating all the cookies, mistreating elves, crashing sleighs… you see what he’s getting at.

Old Man Christmas

Worth repeating: “When Santa Comes to Santa Cruz” is The Malibooz’s bongo beating bag of brag on the bearded one. Surf rock, natch.

Mushmouthed excitement from Nor’easterners Flooded Cellar. “Santa’s Gonna Roll into Town” seems to elicit much bell ringing. So it’s a big deal.

Spon End Santa” is a local figure of some note (around Coventry, England). David Goody pops the r’n’r to make him sound good.

Australian Santa also seems cool, according to Jim Haynes. “Owyagoin’ Santa Claus” is the question for a proper bruce. Pop.

San Diego Santa” is actually cool ‘cuz he’s on vacation. Durnst & Friends slowly roll out the indie to keep it boss.

Incense Burning on an Open Fire” seems to open the door to Santa adulation. Durand Bernarr sweetly croons the R+B higher and higher.

Damn That Holiday: demons.0

Ran out of month for the mythical figures, so we’ll sweep the Anti-Christmas stuff into its own month. Time for The Devil and Hell and all that infernal stuff what reigns the other 364. Does it touch unto us at the High Holy Day?


Krampus, y’know we just met him, is also known as The “Goat Demon” according to Hex’s frolicsome rap.

More generically, T-Error Machinez explains through the metal “The Legend Of Christmas Demon” what Krampus is reduced to. BLUE ALERT

Ragnarok’s “The Norse Winter Demon” is the real deal. Heavy metal cinches it.

The easiest demon reference is the mixup during ‘the holidays’ of Hallowe’en and Xmas: So while the other kids dress as demons on Halloween; I hide behind my closet screen a display of red and green, R+Bs Chris Nicolosi in “Snowman’s Day.” That’s progress.

Sled It Snow.8

RattleSnakes’s garage punker “Sled 2 Death” involves a snowy incline, but not children. Some so-called ‘adult’ stoner on a dare loses his head. It’s a winter thing.

Jordyn Wilson may not hit the notes, but in her pop “Roll My Eyes at Mistletoe” she does nail every pop culture reference. Those (including sledding) she likes. Poisonous greenery lurking above transoms, she likes not.

Despite the snowing and the sledding “This Christmas May Not be the One” for love, according to Zac Hurrell and his gospelized R+B crooning. Sad face.

SDNY gets steamy with their electronic R+B in “Christmas Bae.” Without quite getting blue, sledding here does not involve a sled… or the outdoors….

Christmas Countdown: 7th

Laura Nyro may have “Christmas in My Soul,” but All God’s sons have gone to trial, including the Black Panthers, the Chicago 7, and the Homeless Indian on Manhattan Isle. Siren sharp folk.

David DiMuzio (feat. Sam Mangubat) had “My Best Christmas Eve,” But it’s January 7th, and it looks like you’ve vanished. So it’s time for a weepy pop ballad of missed connections.

Bozo is all about the high. “A Bozo Twistmas” asks all the questions stoners ask, like Why does my car smell like a hobo? Is Jeffrey going to come near me? What about that guy on Seventh Avenue? Unplugged uncertain rock.

Gervarus “G” Giles is trying to help when he explains he’ll pick you up on the second bring you back on the seventh. But with all the “Cider & Hennessey” for the holidays i’m not sure this rap promise is binding.

Andrea Rodriguez has got you on her “Naughty List.” Wake up, baby, she chides, Do you wanna go round seven? Whoa. That’s pretty naughty. Inuendo express!

Christmas Countdown: 34th

Better Than Ezra seems to just list the symptoms for a “Merry Christmas Eve” (including There’s a miracle on 34th Street). Jazzy, plodding pop, heavy on the sax.

For Brian Lim, a “Miracle on 34th Street” isn’t making Santa real–but making you mine. Guess that would take a miracle with this treacly percussive pop. Be the present.

Tim McGraw also whines–to “Dear Santa,” We need a miracle like the one on 34th, To get us back to where we were before. Country music like you hear in the stadium.

Christmas in the City” is the rap/R+B of Mary J Blige (feat. Angie Martinez) about living large in NYC. Rockefeller Center, Radio City, and There’s a miracle on 34th Street On a train, yeah, that lady With all them bags, you see. No other place she’d rather be.

Christmas Countdown: 35

Little Timmy and Young Jacob decide to celebrate the B-Day of JC by getting all JD in the rapping true-crime tutorial “Merry Xmas” by Obi J. Don’t take notes! (Even if your friend has locker #35.) BLUE ALERT

Cyrus has a laundry list of accomplishments to take stock when “Baby, It’s Christmas.” From dropping 35 new records, to remastering my albums, to a tour ‘round the country where I made a lot of money then I lost it all to COVID–but none of it seems to matter in this folky pop tell-all, ‘cuz he BLUE ALERT lost you. I think he’s sorry. At least he’s talented.

Guys Nite brings us back to the is it/isn’t it “Die Hard” question, but this time John McClain addresses all four movies (including the fourth where a truck takes on an F-35 fighter). Granted, after the first two–There ain’t no Allen, and it’s not Christmas. But it’s the spirit of Xmas in this BLUE ALERT rocking commentary–to kick ass!

Despite the title, imma NOT gonna call a blue on “Christmas is Bullshit.” JC Cassis has some slightly R+B hard pop hating on the holidays [I’ve tried Christmas 35 times! It’s NOT WORKING FOR ME!]. Don’t worry, Santa-nistas, she DOES has a solution to Christmas woe if you’d just listen.

Christmas countdown: 100….

Christmas heartache songs are a dime a hundred. But let’s narrow it down to the 8 or so songs that claim 100 and cry about your absence, baby.

Rapping about how bad loneliness is ’round now “Christmas Alone” BLUE ALERT from Nerd Lady (ft. Divinity & Kali Crews) reveals feelings at 100. A wild ride.

Paul Kelly (feat. Vika Bull) admits I wrote a hundred times to Santa for you to appear on the “Christmas Train.” This wailing soul makes you wait to find out if the dear rail-y one makes it. Worth the wait.

Eric Clapton updates the swampy blues of Freddie King‘s “Christmas Tears.” (For a hundred years or more (you been gone) You came back and hang “Merry Christmas” on my door). Slays that funky music, white boy.

Somerset Solo” seems to be about holding onto love with the barest of fingernail grips. This alt-indie mess of poetic sniffling from Matthew Milia offers: Here’s what I got you for Christmas this year, dear –A seashell which, if you put it to your ear, hear Me crying like a hundred manger babies. But with garage elan.

Emotional pop from Tommy Lellan about how it sucks to be “Done on Christmas” day: I hope I won’t live for a hundred years Without someone to spend it with Until that day, I guess I’ll have to bide my time.

Strains of Bellum misses the wife (and the dog and its poo) 100 days and more while stuck in some war during “A Metal Christmas War Love Song.” Honest head banging.

Did the Pandemic keep you apart–during the holidays?! These hundred-hour days are gonna bring me to my knees, complains Jacob Oman in “Social Distance.” Choppy R+B wants to cuddle up for Xmas.

The Russian Futurists realize that a short-lived romance in summer leaves a hole when it’s “100 Shopping Days ’til Christmas.” The R+B bebopping rap counts the calendar without taking a day off. Swing along.