The king of maladies, the doomsday diagnosis, the terminal terminology this is the big C. Not Christmas (although the latter does get the capitalization). Two cs together and you have 2cc of uncomfortable song.
First off, Johnny Hobo and The Freight Trains punk up the idea “I Want Cancer for Christmas” BLUE ALERT by refusing joy and hope with a blazing middle finger to life. (I’ve posted this before, and there’s no actual mention of cancer in it… but meager pickings. And it’s catchy. And there’s a dozen covers by fans online.)
Balancing out the anger is the schmaltz of Carolyn of the Choir with “Pink Christmas,” a jazzy siren song sentimentalizing the survival of it all.
Okay, we went all that way so i could share Double Plus Good with you. This Something Awful contribution, “Cancer for Christmas,” stands alone in its MOR orchestration, country caterwauling, and ironic horribleness. It might ruin you. (‘Santa’s taking Grandpa to Heaven in his sleigh.’)
Here’s a popular throwback to the thrilling days of barebackin’ holiday hookups.
“Rockin’ Around the Syphilis Tree” is a curiosity from Andy and Mandy which wants to make up in timely girl-vengeance what it lacks in talent and cleverness. Jasmyn Neubert is a bit wittier if no more professional in “Syphilis Sucks” (to the same tune).
Steve Juno goes high with “I Got Syphilis for Christmas.” Not high road, it’s more finger pointing. But his pop warbling is pretty up there.
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis” is awfully catchy. Renee Belsky is a med student with a pokey sense of fun. John Valby does his coarse, crude homophobic thing. The Fabulous Four Skins get us a bit more medical again with their barbershop quartet remonstrating.
Back by popular demand, the cloaked STD gives the ticking time bomb you may not notice until January, that is when you get “Chlamydia for Christmas.” This dishonorable discharge of a garage rocker is courtesy of the OhNos and should be shared only with protection.
A couple days here to celebrate “STDs under the Christmas Tree,” ‘cuz this holy time of year sex and all its consequences rear ugly heads. Hosana, grab the ointment! (And note the bravery of Beefus in their reprise to our blog.)
Wane Fawesome sends up ‘Jingle Bells’ with “Itchy Balls.” The whole gory story’s here. Brace yourself, there’s cartoon sex. (Seen this before, as well. But it’s so euphemistically raunchy, gotta readminister.)
If you’re not preggers for Christmas, perhaps you’re moody, pre-menstrual. Peter Kevoian for Bob and Tom carols our way through “PMS for Christmas.” No, no, it’s not a sickness… just not tip top, you see. Healthwise. Hrm, i’ll just stop talking now. No, you’re fine.
Let’s go to the place people die, the hospital. Why would you go there?! At Christmas time?!
Feist from A Colbert Christmas album, has a lovely folk-version paean about being on hold during prayer, but i read it as being in the er hoping a nurse will finally help. Listen to “Please be Patient” and test that theory.
Larry the Cable Guy is more grisly with his parody “Call a Doctor.” He’s got no friggin’ hand!
New Orleans-man Louie Ludwig might be a bit too late… “Christmas at the Hospital” is slow blues rock… ‘but you’re not there.’ Now what does that mean?
Some health conditions are more serious than others. One complaint you wanna triage out of the herd for special attention is the Christmas heart attack. It’s bad enough the other 364; today it’s inconceivable.
Detroit garage rockers The Fondas lean into the roadster ‘billy with “Christmas Heart Attack.” Pretty sure this is just a frame of mind.
Philly rocker Matt Roach tootles some Americana for us with his heartfelt “Holiday Heart Attack.” You were naughty, Santa put coal-esterol in your arteries.