Side Nose Fingerer

Worth repeating: The Caroleers kidsong the head scratcher “Ten-Thousand Santa Clauses (But Not One Gift for Me).” The rhythm works. The mumps don’t help.

Loretta Lynn got mad back in 1966 when the disappointment of an empty Christmas caused her to country ejaculate “To Heck with Ole Santa Claus.” She’ll get him! A (welcome?) update in rocking country comes via Sam Morrison Band.

More whimsy, but not less sorrow, comes from Private Eye Music’s “Where are You Santa Claus?” Bombastic big band pop.

Hey Santa Claus (You Son Of A Bitch)” Johnny O & The Jerks piss and moan with grungy yet jazzy garage. Just wanna know Why? Why’d you leave me out!

Sounds Of Blackness include in their musical The Night Before Christmas a tour de force of jazzy divinity “Santa Watch Yo’ Step.” This year he brought presents, but–

Polka barbershop from Henry Golis with The Jordanaires complains “Santa, You Forgot About Me Last Year.” How depressing can it be?! It’s polka!

Only You Can Prevent Xmas Fires

‘Chicago Fire’ fan lyrics with “In Harm’s Way,” a country folk elegy from Kid Mayhem. It’s about those heroes who spend Christmas with you and your charred remains.

Parody’s back! Dave Rudolf tackles Johnny Cash in his “Flue of Fire.” Santa don’t like it when you leave a light on for him!

Piedmont Songbag seems to revel in the arson. “A Christmas to Remember” is a soft folk dialogue between nostalgic rememberers and that year the tree burned down (pretty colors!). But then “Burning the Christmas Tree” is an insistent polka of ritualistic bacchanalia.

Damn That Holiday: devil.4

Gotholic (ft. Anno Domini Nation) imagines a different Nativity in which The devil watches His mother in pain Waiting to devour. “Christmas Eternal” is Christmas music with gargling metal.

So, Hallowe’en is “The Devil’s Christmas.” Yet Gurf Hankle’s lively dirge pop make a celebratory point. Everything is Bones; everything is Blood; everything is Death! Party on!

The 2nd Christmas” negates the devil’s power, according to the plonking piano club blues of Kam Stewart. Then the congregation joins in….

Harvey Darkside galumphs “The Devil’s Christmas” like a silly devil. He forgot to hang a Christian on the tree! Jug band fun!

X Files-mas: Krampus continues

Children never learn, so the examples continue.

S. J. Tucker gets into more detail with whispery indie string plucking in “The Feast of Krampus.” Geneology, modus operandi, arsenal… it’s all here.

Parody break: The Courtesan & The Cabin Boy pick on ‘Frosty’ with “Krampus the Demon” (bonus points for Durante impression), ‘Rudolph’ with “Krampus the Christmas Monster,” ‘Dreidel’ with “Krampus Krampus Krampus,” and ‘Christmas Island’ with “Krampus Island.” Not to mention “Carol of the Krampus.”

Coral Bells pictures “Krampus” as nothing more than some drifter who plays hob with your kids. Old world pop.

Begging for a visit from “Krampus” la-goons gets garage with instructions on naughty behavior.

A bit of the ol’ rockabilly from The Lathums brings pain your way thanks to “Krampus.” Goes down easy with that backbeat.

Ode to Krampus” returns us to the terror with Strap on Halo’s echoey New Age metal.

Contrast that to Pudding’s “Ode to Krampus” in which clubbers gawk and fawn over the monster. Flirtatious spoken and synthed mixed media.

Then there’s Jowe Head’s “Ode to Krampus,” a funeral march of warnings for those who know what they did.

Tight Pajamas goes full beer barrel with “Krampus, Oh Krampus.” This party piece celebrates the effects of the stick. ‘Sall good now.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-All Hands on Deck

Randall Standridge Music Products has a nice mashup of carousing pirate music and traditional carol instrumentals, “Santa the Barbarian and the Pirates of the North Pole.” This school band recital music is fun and melodic. A real time waster. Y’know, like classical music is s’posed to be.

The Boarding Party makes with the jug band to orchestrate their “Christmas for a Buccaneer.” It’s a tough row to hoe, but ho ho ho it all they’re game.

Christmas Countdown: 8:00

It must be close to eight, Been awake since close to five joins the happy light pop of Common Jack’s “The Christmas Tree is Fake.” That’s not a bad thing, just a childhood memory.

What’s a Mrs. Claus to do? She left the ‘pole at a quarter to eight when Santa was riding his reindeer driven sleigh. “It’s Christmas Eve” by Slim Cat & Fisherman Joe is a slightly off rocker about annual misconduct. Boom chicka boom.

Is It Almost Christmas” wonders Lizzy Hilliard in soaring, almost gospel tones. I need to sled and go to bed before the clock strikes eight, she dutifully points out. Endearing.

Waking up at eight to go to work… Can’t wait til’ it’s over ’cause it’s colder than hell. Hitrick & Brooks (feat. CJ Hughes) harmonize some white boy doo wop for “Go Away Snow.” They hate it. I love it.

The clock’s striking! Please meet me, dear, at eight P.M. and bring your “Christmas Kisses,” sings Marty Robbins with country rock tortured into easy listening hell.

Family dinner at eight and I won’t be late! discos Bros in their party tribute “I’m Coming Home for Christmas.” Electric slide!

More leery about being home for Christmas, Ralph Keefer doles out plaintive folk with “An Old Suitcase.” Leaving on Sunday, dinner at 8; It’s the red-eye special and he doesn’t want to be late–cuz he’s the daddy. Terrific horn solo.

Monochrome Tone mixes reverence with childish gags in “Christmas Time,” a chorale that mixes R+B pop with rap, squeaky with bass. Gonna sleep past eight….

Salt-N-Pepa update “Santa Baby” with the rap lyrics: Now all mase know When it’s eight twenty-four He be looking at the door for the ho ho ho. Necessary?

Welcome back, Arrogant Worms! “The Christmas Song” is beer barrel frenzied polka about THAT family at Christmastime (Police arrive just after eight). Duck!

Christmas Countdown: 15 years

Side effects of Christmas: nostalgia, regret, remorse, music….

Alter Egel begins their calliope rock melody: Fifteen years ago today You had enough and ran away Every Christmas since that one was sad. But a “Blue Christmas” results from you returning. Don’t want that. ‘Cause then you’d leave again. Then there’d be peeing on your makeup and driving the van with the tree nailed to it off a cliff. You know how that goes.

Chumbawumba has a postmodern rocker (with hollow chanting and vinyl pops) that goes: Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree How bent your branches seem to be; Nineteen twenty-one and all’s well, Another fifteen years and we’ll be laughing in hell. “Rubens has been Shot” presages WWII, and the weird new art scene, and perhaps existentialism. Yeah, let’s say that.

But, you wanna get freaky?! “Chrismysteries” from Johnathan Boggarty and the Yoghurt Man is expressionistic word jazz, f’r ‘zample: It’s been fifteen Christmases Since I’ve thought of you last, Since that time I’ve had a think And I don’t understand your past. Is this a remonstration on JC? Or uncanny valley AI poetry?

David Prince writes a country history of “My Christmas Wish” from 5 years old to ten years old to My greatest Christmas wish at fifteen was a new guitar. Not sure about you, but this sorrowful, modulated mess makes me sorry about that wish.

Also torturous, “Christmas Morning” is alt-pop froth from Evie Calabasas about–missing you?? Fifteen so many dreams, A town too small for us, Christmas Eve sat on your rooftop, Pen tattoos would never last. I can see it as a series on Prime, but i can’t see it.

You want “Heikki Lunta” on your side, especially if you’re Da Yoopers–they can get whatever they want when this upstate medicine dances. I remember Christmas Eve 15 years ago all the kids were crying; they didn’t have no snow. Punk polka tells the story of what happens next!

Christmas Countdown: 2001

Incubus smack-raps Hanukkah with “Get Your Dreidel on.” A shout to the year brings the festivities to a close.

Now, hang on a sec. Alan Koch and Jay Hallett have basement taped a mystical classic: “Christmas 2001,” a skating rink organ waltz (with reggae overtures) looking to the distant future. Lightspeed to travel, gifts are all programs, the robot’s making eggnog… wasn’t the future wonderful? Noveltychristmasmusic endorses this masterpiece.

The Rude Off: overdone

What kind of reindeer is Rudolph? What kind of nose? Oh, dear.

Homophobic humor at its ’90est, “Rudolph the Deep-Throated Reindeer” Is Matt Rogers at his most unapologetic.

Rudolph the Big Dick Reindeer” is the unowned parody that also needs to be forgotten.

College Humor tries regular hard with “Rudolph the Regular Reindeer.” Shouting, but not that much.

Better from Kevin & Bean’s Shakespeare Man:

Rudolph the Blue-Nosed Reindeer” from Barney and Hector at least adds cha-cha-cha.

Rudolph the Green-Nosed Reindeer” from Smartz Crew add some marijuana. Yeah. BLUE ALERT

Rudolph the Runny-Nosed Reindeer” also unowned attributes the symptoms to sampling his drug-mule sideline.

Rudolph the Psycho Reindeer” is unattributed bro-humor wherein the boys crack each other up. Then justice is served.

Rudolph the Mohawked Reindeer” is Primate Punk’s punk BLUE ALERT aggressive answer.

Rudolph the Union Reindeer” takes us another direction completely. Organized by Ariana Eakle Blockmon.

The Christmas Jug Band help a smidge with “Rudolph the Bald-Headed Reindeer.” A Jimmy Durante tribute.