That’s Not Riot

Lookin’ for fight? Look no further than the beginning of the shopping season, quippily termed “Black Eye Friday” by Bad Detectives in their cool rockabilly.

It Ain’t Christmas (‘Til the Walmart Greeter Gets Trampled to Death)” is experimental jazz scat from The Hot Buttered Elves. Improvvy so-called humor.

Woody Guthrie’s “1913 Massacre” gets a gentler cover from Otis Gibbs. This Christmas party for mine workers locked in their hall whilst being burned to death by strike-busters goes down pretty hard, so thanks for that.

Holee cow. Let’s dial it back a bit with The Non Traditionals clickety clacking some gay 1890s ragtime for the case of “Simon Norman.” His assault will affect many since he puts stones into snowballs. Now we’re fighting dirty!

Discriminate This, Sucka!

Racism gets more screen time these days, ‘cuz there’s more screens. Always had it, always will. Talking about it should help, but i don’t see it. Golden rule, fools!

White supremacy has reared its ugly head before in the blog. But, there’s always room for one more! “Blond Hair Blue Eyed White Baby Jesus” is the ironic pop triumphal from Hunteroninski. Catchy yet troubling.

Dave Goody milks the humor out of folky “Santa Claus is a Racist” with hilarity like the ‘White Christmas’ song proving his thesis. No new ground here.

Luxemburg Trio belts out the anthem “Flip The Table” as a tribute to the Christmas family dinner with older, narrow-minded relatives (Fuck You Uncle Mike) (so, i guess, BLUE ALERT). Taking control back with more bad language. (This song suffers from concept album chatter at the end… go with it.)

Funny story, “A Kickstarter for Christmas” is when Daddy gives all the gift money for the kids to buy a racist hot dog stand. Great bluegrass, but a confusing lower economic social status here from Haschel Cedricson.

Chinese Frog Legs for Christmas” is more Salvador Buttersworth folk stumbling through his limited wiki to honor the buffet he can get on 12/25.

Cultural Appropriation Christmas” goes after First Nationers, Jamaicans, other Latins… uh oh–there’s black face. Cat Named Norris offers an uke-y olive branch to the lesser cultures… It’s not racist if I’m ignorant! You’ve been warned.

Damn That Holiday: Satan.5

In “Satan Won The War On Christmas” by Bradley Palermo & The Shadow Queens the Hell King is shown to own our souls anyway, so our Xmas is on his terms. Metal edged rock with an axe to grind, albeit gently.

Billy Castillo doesn’t have a lot to say when he sings “Satanic Christmas.” Apart from an infernal plug for Taco Bell, it’s just chanting for a bit. Then there’s a rant. Gregorian pop.

Cynical Christmas Carols (Hail Santa)” by Satan’s Basement is metal ravings about a self harmer realizing the demons are dragging him away from the angels. To the tune of ‘Jingle Bells.’

Oh yeah we’ve been waitin’ For Christmas with Satan” by James White & The Blacks. Extra crunchy experimental jazz backs this peripeteia of expectation. (Satan throws the best Christmas party ever!)

Damn That Holiday: Satan.2

Dated’s “Satan Claus” is word salad to electronica. Just seems to fit.

ApophisDaGod figures a general perversion of all that is good turns Santa to Satan. Hence, the parody “Satan Claus is Coming to Town.” Nowhere to hide.

Another ‘coming to Town’ parody, “Tor Wants to Spoil the Party” is mostly spoken. Tor Hershman claims there’s no Jesus or Satan, but confuses them together nonetheless. Too many drugs? Not enough drugs?

The Hot Buttered Elves begin with backward spinning, but jazz up the slow-pop for a fairly long-winded “Satan Claus.” Not as scary as pedagogical.

On Track to Xmas: Hornby Toy Trains (“British and Guaranteed”)!

Ancient Machine rocks the kidsong with metal lite in their sweet “Christmas Time (Love is in the Air).” Friends and Teddy bears and wooden trains, oh my!

I just the last several minutes combing through my posted inventory and still can’t believe i have never offered you Bill Anderson’s 1969 classic: “Po’ Folks’ Christmas” (a follow up/parody to his 1962 ‘Po’ Folks‘). It’s gentle country with a tongue in a cheek, like when the kids’re thumbin’ through the new catalog Lookin’ and a wishin’ and a wantin’ everything we saw: Little toy trains and little toy boats and sister kept lookin’ at the little girl’s coats.

Alan Jackson declares “I Only Want You for Christmas” with some fine honky tanking country. He lastly admits (in sotto voce) he HAD a train and a bicycle… but still–

Little dolls and long red trains, golden drums and painted planes seem to mock the smokey voiced Gabriella Rose while she’s missing you in her jazzy torch song “Merry Christmas Little Star.” The decorations are all she’s got in this time of bereft blues. Sultry.

Christmas Countdown: 1 classic Christmas

There was that one Christmas… remember? (It’a an excuse for me to include old stuff.)

1975. I remember. Greg Lake (of Emerson Lake and Palmer, you could look it up) gets just filtered enough to make me believe “I Believe in Father Christmas.” Classic pop rock of the epic sort.

The Tenors begin “Santa’s Wish (Teach the World)” with earnest reverence, then you realize you’ve heard it before. In 1971. With hippies holding hands and sharing a fizzy beverage.

Eddy Arnold smashes easy listening with country to represent that “One Christmas Eve Long Ago.” That’s our nod to The One True Christmas.

Bobby Vinton smushes easy listening with contemporary pop in “Dearest Santa.” Is that oboe too much?

Peter Paul and Mary make “The Marvelous Toy” a folk strummer of golden age nostalgia and modern grabby consumerism without missing a beat.

Cornball country kidsong needs a spot. “Mommy Is There More Than Just One Santa Claus?” wonders Kris Allen. Warning, there will be kazoos.

2021, but retro as all get out, Doris Spears owns “Christmas Comes But Once a Year.” It’s the cool kind of jazz.

Christmas Countdown: 3 else

God heavens, what else is there three of for Xmas?!

Well, you may have heard of ships. Apparently seeing them from Bethlehem was a show of faith because no body of water is visible from there. Or they were camels under the magi. Nobody much spoofs this hymn, so it’s time for the ol’ blog-meister to dip into his well of wits and share The North Pole Fisherman’s Association’s take:” “I Saw Three Fish.”

With insistent alt rock, Mark Soileau has got to get to his love “This Christmas (Right Now).” I knock three times, nervously waiting… guess what happens next?

Gabby B flaunts it in her power pop “Christmas Day.” Gingerbread cookies and a glass of milk–Stuff my stockings, I might hidе some; One’s for Santa, Three for me. Where’d those stuffed cookies go?

Always room for a rocker that begins Christmas trees are eating the pavement… but when Dionysos continues with I fall in love With three four ankles it have to include “Nicholsong” even with the uncertainty of its holidayishness.

More surrealism from Poncho Boy (feat. Money Mop), rapping Got three bands with the watch so I call it ice cream in a seasonal safari “A Very Poncho Christmas.” Say what?

Counting her blessings in the country strummer “Still Christmas in Nashville” Lori McKenna wishes God bless the server at the meat and three The smile on her face better than mac and cheese. Good on ya. Bless you back. (What’s a meat and three?)

Also counting, the kid of the song give a beggar “Three Little Pennies” in the Doug Stone country tear jerker. After a fake out the kid gets his bike for Xmas. Karma or Christ?

Back to Brendan Dalton with a piano bar ballad to Boromir’s treacherous tragedy in ‘Fellowship of the Ring.’ “A Merryless Christmas” is Pippin singing about losing his bestie as that bad Rohan king gets 3 arrows in his chest (and still fights!). (Merry adds he doesn’t want his holidays Pippin-less.) This is as cool as it gets for nerds.

Vampire Christmas” is a metaphor for a modern man partier who is sucked dry by the culture. I guess. In the midst of this pop complaint comes Johnny Marsh’s breathless rap about how Nothing truly nothing really really ever lasts forever It kinda feels like living through a three ring fucking circus. Pithy poetry.

Bugged by modern times, Amy Grant soft pops “I Need a Silent Night.” Didn’t used to–there was a time Where people stayed home wishing for snow, Watching three channels on their TV; Look at us now.

Feeling like hell, Beat Happening plays kindergarten instruments for his “Christmas” song. He had sex three times on Christmas resulting in boredom and depression. Experimental pop, but, dude, i think you’re doing it wrong.

See, R J Word knows For “The First Three Hours of Christmas” Our parents aren’t gonna miss us (No)… so they can mess around. R+B/pop seduction.

Well, Meghan Tulles is so melancholic i can’t tell if the “Three Christmases” she spent with the addressed are the only, the last, or the first of a forever thing. Odd semi-country pop ballad.

Fine folk from Dave Almond, but he’s been sniffing pine needles or something, because beneath this tree If you look real close There’s two or three there of you and me in “(A World of) Tiny Lights.” Oooh.

Reeny Smith also waffles with fine piano jazz pop, telling “Dear Santa” she don’t really need nothing. Well, Hoping for a kiss or three, but no worries.

Objectophilia may be the way to go then. Henef claims: This song was made for you Singing those 3 words, I Love You, “Christmas Tree.” Alt pop perversity. The best kind.

Tiffany Houghton and Jay Alan get cozy skipping the big Xmas party [Sleigh bells ringing, oh wait that’s my phone–3 missed calls but we’re still at home] to be alone together and discover how 00you look “Better Without a Sweater.” Sultry pop.

Earlier in the relationship Viceboy asks you to Wear that sweater, and, also, Hi, do you wanna put up a tree with me; I have some ornaments from last year and and a star or three. This flirtatious awkward pop makes for a winning “Snowcity.”

Moving faster, Chloe Bee asks Let’s watch a movie or two or three And hang lights up from all the walls. “Snow Day” takes the pop ‘ship and runs with it.

Without the snow? Nothing good! “The No Snow Blues” pits Bob Sellon’s preparation [Got a new pair of boots, Got some sun screen for my nose, I got three pairs of socks on] against the dry, dry slopes. It’s a Christmas tragedy.

Hawksley Workman finishes up and wrangles “3 Generations” while they’re altogether in one house for a photographic opportunity. Great washtub jazzy pop. Practically Dixieland. Love it.

Christmas Countdown: 5th

December 25th I’m chuggin on a 5th, raps YT (feat. The Don Smoke) in a boo… boogie woogieA Haunting On Christmas.” Not sure the trapping and drinking is a good enough excuse for the pouring blood down the street. Guess they’re being naughty.

BLUE ALERT from Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All (featuring Earl Sweatshirt, Tyler, The Creator, and Hodgy Beats) who also drank a fifth of eggnog and spewed the obscene hate that is “Fuck This Christmas.” Blackout drunk rap poetry.

The height of the romantic December season was the 5th we got it in and then we made some cookies. But it went downhill by the 10th. So it’s “Lonely for Christmas” a shrill alto soul ugly cry. Aryah got some chops and i’m not mad at the arrangement.

Lagoona Bloona is happy she got you for Christmas. No gift off 5th Avenue compares. Which is why it’s gonna be a “Blow Christmas.” Sassy drag queen R+B.

Old school rap from DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince, “Family Christmas” is about people: You cant buy happiness at Sax 5th Ave. Dance, Grandma!

Bebopping pop from LostAlone also sets the sights from Little Italy, Rockefeller Center, and 5th Avenue in the hyper “I Want Christmas Always.” Dingdong.

The funkiest dig at 5th Avenue comes from Sarah Pillow. She suggests moving west past the crushing crowds for a “Hell’s Kitchen at Christmas Time.” Suggestive it is.

Christmas Countdown: 10 longer and other measurements

Thomas Rhett may love “Christmas in the Country,” but he overdoes all the decorative trends like any suburbanite: You could be ten miles away And see my house from the road. More pop than country, despite the banjo.

Jim White was crying in a Greyhound Station on “Christmas Day” in 1998. Why? P.A. said the bus broke down 10 miles from the station. This alt-folk mini-masterpiece of the hope for love puts us in the scene, bittersweet though it be.

St. Lucifer the Outcast haughtily raps: Hop in my sleigh let’s ride (uh yea) Crusing thru I-10 and 35 (uh yea) Hitting 88 travel thru time (uh yea) And you know you my ride or die (uh yea). BLUE ALERT, natch, but “Nighty Night” comes off kinda sweet for the holidays. Sweet dreams.

Jesse Malin made his baby cry in “Xmas.” This soaring garage ballad begins with 10$ in his pocket and no prospects (even tried to make it clean). Sad but worth it.

Miss Lou loves “Christmas in My City.” Not that she doesn’t have something to comment about there in Singapore. Warm and wet as it might be, It’s not a winter wonderland; But we can play pretend: Walk into a mall and it’ll be 10 degrees. Jazzily matter-of-fact.

Christmas Countdown: 19!

Young Xmas love! We kissed beneath the mistletoe; We were just 19 years old sings Jack Mahon of his accented “Christmas Miracle.” It’s that kind of tinkly pop you can barely here in the back of a Starbucks.

A power outage for The Marsh Family causes the cry “Bring Us a Candle” for Christmas. Oddly the clock was stuck on 19… where are we?! Suprisingly good show tune pop.

And outside they were singing, The lights of Christmas Eve–But he’s lost in the darkness; Dreams are never what they seem Locked in Room 19 run the lines of the expressionistic experimental “Room 19.” Chanteuse Jill Tracy heralds in a scary Xmas.