Christmas Countdown: 12 hours

Christmas numerology twirls around 12 months, 12 days, and now 12 hours. What’s with this expression?

From the ‘Toyland’ musical Hanna Bielawa BLUE ALERT reveals the tears of an elf in the mad rapping showtune “Merry Christmas for Today.” Notice the elf! Not for twelve hours, but here to play.

Little Jackie applies R+B to the equation when she figures “Mrs. Claus got nothin’ on me: I can do 12 days of Christmas in 12 hours. Superhero music!

ZILF is another pissed elf. Clocking in hasn’t been more than twelve or so, Hours since I last clocked out into the freezing snow and there’s still so much to get done. Metal meets pop in “Red Snow,” a tale of having had enough. (Eliminate the fat red fool!)

Christmas Countdown: 12 months

All I Want For Christmas,” country-drawls Toby Keith, is 12 more months of lovin’. That’s right. Don’t buy the millionaire nothin’.

Broken-hearted (more appropriately for the country music), Merle Haggard remarks that this “Lonely Night” marks twelve long months to remember. And to forget.

Just as worse off (maybe in the next twelve months there’ll be a chance), Broken Fires sighs about a “Winter Warmer” with you in it. Alt folk says it’s a long shot.

It’s been twelve whole months since he’s lost it over you, but Apollo Clone figures “I Deserve Coal” this Xmas for screwing it up with you. Rocking pop.

Jamie Lawson will be home 12 months to the day to see you, but it’ll only be “Footprints in the Snow” for the holidays. That was you walking away. Altpop.

Pounding altpop from She Wants Revenge mourns Christmas time again, the loneliest of all, the fear of how to make it to New Year’s: Raise your glass and toast to the one you miss the most And promise that you won’t be doing this again in twelve month’s time. This “Holiday Song” covers ALL the holidays, all the loneliness.

If you’re counting, Christmas comes every 12 months. Fake Zappa twists kid music into “Baby Santa Claus.” Spoiler alert: the baby born this day ain’t Jesus. Not in this chanting charmer.

Christmas Countdown: 12 days too much

Still counting, even for the wannabes and cliches.

Overenunciated elementary rap from King Ulysses merely lists the aspects of “Christmas in Miami.” 12 days get a shout out. So does everything else.

Caterwauling about Christmas being too late, Something Awful‘s Edward Mass screeches the “Twelve Days” with an apology solo.

Gospel sotto voce from Stello Clark & Solomon James (feat. Marquitta Minniefield) “Christmas Countdown” begins three months out, then proceeds to 12 days before Christmas. All throughout the year I don’t care if you’re feeling your best… ‘cuz here it comes!

12 Santa Babies” applies the excuse of the song’s math to demand more presents (prolly stole the idea from Chanukah). Big band diva sultriness from Dave Keyes and Duchess Di (Diane Cricchio ).

Season’s Greetings” is some corny rap about loving and wanting and needing from Latroy (feat. Unfamiliar Keys). He wants to spend 12 days with you!

Diva pop from Céline Dion: “The Magic of Christmas Day (God Bless Us Everyone),” makes it all about love, not just twelve days in December. Senti&monu-mental.

Cheesy pop makes School Gyrls’ “Twelve Days of Christmas“–12 days to fall in love, btw–a harder sell.

Some are without their bae. “This Christmas (I’m Coming Home)” by Betty Anne and Brian Watts jazz pops (sax echo!) the reunion. After weeks without, he’s looking forward to 12 sunny days with you! Where IS this?

Budak Pantai begins “Hey Baby It’s Christmas” with Jim Croce then extends time out of the bottle and into the pop listing of the birds, etc. Hey baby hey. Decent mashupping.

Christmas Countdown: 12 days some more

Not the same song, but Christmas and 12 days mentioned are still rampant. “All 12 Days” is a remonstrance from Bah & the Humbugs for you not celebrating (and getting the time off work) for the complete holiday. (Warning: original ’12 Days’ are included in here.) Still, fun exhortatory symphony.

Humorous filtered rap from lil dimwit, “Kill a Tree” pokes fun at the mad trads of the season, including 12 days of Christmas movies.

Misery makes for good music: Anyway It’s been twelve days, Now your tracks are filled with snow croon-mopes Karma Queen in “What’s So Merry?” Descending pop chords that spiral into fractals.

Church Pants also dreads the worst, like when it “Rains on Christmas.” Tinkly altpop that muses over Cleaning up ornaments of glass, Waiting for twelve days to pass. Dreamy.

Angelic pop from Lorena McKennitt wishes us for Twelve days in the year much mirth and good cheerIn Praise of Christmas.” (Actually it’s ‘Drive the Cold Winter Away’ but more evangelical.) Uplifting.

Rufus Wainwright’s excellent 99%er folk tale “Spotlight on Christmas” measures of plight of the workers (Christmas hours) over the rich (diamonds and pearls): You could measure it in blood, You could measure it in mud; Let us say for these twelve days Put the measurin’ away Cause it’s Christmas.

Christmas Countdown: the 12 days–worst

The horror that is ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ will not die, whether it’s listing phrases particular to pirates, rednecks, Black Santa, fast food, JC, his disciples, stressed students, COVID-19, sweaters, drugs, kid stuff, romance, weaponry, IT, psychoanalysis, homosexuality, sexual perversion, regrets, online revenue, and nihilism.

Then there’s the regional: the beach, the Delta, the Bayou, the Bahamas, Newfoundland, the Midwest, Vegas, NYC, Hawaii, Mexico, Canada, Australia, Scotland, Ireland, England, Germany, Russia, China, Japan, South Africa, Kenya, India, Honduras, China, and travel in general.

Naturally, there’s also pop media ‘culture’: The Simpsons, ‘The Lion King,’ Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, Barbie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Phineas & Ferb, Sonic, the Penguins of Madagascar, Smurfs, He-Man, Star Trek, Star Wars, Fortnite, Zelda, Warcraft, Minecraft, Stranger Things, The Walking Dead, and overall fantasy/superhero nerd.

There’s no end to these. Make it stop.

But, novelty Christmas music is my mission, so i’ll allow runners up in the humor dept: The Christmas Pranksters, Brandon Rogers, and–omigod–Vihart.

Then there’s original folk melody from Peggy Seeger. Horizon broadening.

My fave-o, though, to end on a semi-positive note, is the Billy West voice impersonation from the Christmas Party with Eddie G album. Spread between various songs are these ‘outtakes’ from a Three Stooges “Twelve Days of Christmas” parody. Terrific stuff.

Christmas Countdown: the 12 days–best

‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ may have begun as ten days, but the publishing of the lyrics in 1780 sealed the deal–Xmas to Epiphany. And it may not have been considered so much a carol as a children’s memory and forfeit game, until 1909 when OUR current day lyrics come ’round (gold rings may have been ringed pheasants or goldfinches, so all birds until people). Regardless, it stinks and singing it is a form of hell on earth.

Still, i must acknowledge its presence. So here are the ‘best’ novelty entries in this detested species.

Alan Sherman made hay with his “12 Gifts of Christmas” so many years ago (as seen here on The Jimmy Dean Show). Classic comedy.

A mite later, Sascha Burland and The Skipjack Choir present the comedy sfx extravaganza “The Chickens Are In The Chimes.” Marvin Watts sends Cecilia Sockel all the gifts during a recording session–hijinx ensue! Nonsense!

Couple decades later Doug and Bob McKenzie (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas) stumble through “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” They crack themselves up. Bubba humor.

Shortly after that Bob Rivers makes his bones with “The Twelve Pains of Christmas.” (It’s the MTv era, so check out this video). Ironic pop.

Another decade later Straight No Chaser land recording and touring contracts from their viral video “The 12 Days of Christmas.” Toto to the rescue! Indulgent cultural mashups!

But, imma gonna have to proclaim The Best 12 Days Song Ever is the inimitable 2010 “Corner Store at Christmas” from Bowling for Soup. Give it a minute to recognize what i mean. Gary Weissman’ll tell ya. (78$, right?)

Christmas Countdown: 13 sarcastically

Seriously trying for humor can be trying. “The 13 Days of Christmas” from The Broadway Cast Of ‘The Addams Family’ overworks the yuck and then smirks, These holidays can suck the partridge right out of your pear tree don’t you think? No.

Too specific can also miss the ha-ha. “13 Days of Christmas” from Dead Workers Party badly recites the techie woes of these IT nerds. Don’t get it.

Australia’s naughty momma Jenny Talia gets #MeToo about the terrible gifts during her “13 Days of Christmas.” Pushing it, but not quite blue. Cringe-worthy.

Jesus came to me in a 13ft Tinny” and invites you to lunch, but He always makes you pay. This Australian find is a wonderful folk rock bit of winsome piffle. Dig it.

Sam & Bill take it away with their “Crystal Lake Christmas.” Why did Friday the 13th have to fall in December? So, Jason cleans up at teen camp. Hokey amateurism and leaning on the video game more than the film–but i calls ’em as i sees ’em. This be funny.

Christmas Countdown: 13 seriously

Tim Dinkins lisps out the spoken word country bummer “The Little Boy’s Letter to Santa Claus,” about a boy who don’t want toys–only his Daddy back, adding the date of his daddy’s demise: June 13. (Bet it was a Friday.) [Jimmie Selph’s 1947 version had the rumor of Daddy runnin’ off for younger fields.]

Kenny Rogers ties for awful times with “Kentucky Homemade Christmas.” Poverty reduces the reason for the season to just love. But that’s not enough when you got kids: Little Linda ain’t no baby. Hell she turns thirteen in April, She’s been dreamin’ about that dolly in the window for half her life; She’s old enough to realise that it ain’t never comin’–I’d damn near rob a bank to get that doll. Damn is right.

Counting the ages from 6 to 13, The Osmonds reveal “Christmas Means More Every Year.” Starts selfish, but gets to the true meaning. Elder-slow easy listening.

Watch for Rockets rocks their “13 Days of Xmas.” No lists of gifts, just loud ennui. Good stuff.

El Sancho also rocks, this time with more punk, as befits “Merry Christmas Joey Ramone.” This singer discovered that singer when 13. It took. Homage, homie.

Christmas Countdown: 14

TWxWKS (‘two weeks’ i guess) get all meta singing about their rapping in “14 Days of Christmas.” They list what they want and BLUE ALERT tease each other, but they do admit December 14th is not Christmas day–Bazinga! It’s rude AND gay.

I get to be quarantined–it’s at my expense!–fourteen days… Ya gettin’ the picture? COVID-19 brings us Indiego North!’s accented pop “Flying to You at Christmas.” Hope you’re not expecting an air fryer on top of all that.

I guess the old saying goes: if you love Christmas so much why don’t you “Marry Christmas“? Salem Ilese cheesy pops the question/answer delightedly: Fourteen carats for the reindeer, Eighteen carats on my finger, Pumpkin pie for every dinner–Oh, wouldn’t it be nice?

Ray Stevens gives us yet another jelly-rolling country stomper “I Won’t be Home for Christmas.” The extended family [fourteen kids from 7 marriagesand I’m just talking’ ’bout my sister Rose] does drive him to song. Revival jump!

Even more country is when “Christmas is Homemade.” The Drop Shadows bemoan the ridiculousity of the season (the bird cooks down from 14 to just 4 pounds) with a post-modern garage effervescence that infects everywhere. Love it, especially the off-key trumpet solo.

Christmas Countdown: 15 times

Counting down to Xmas may be a matter of minutes….

Drinking to forget, BLUE ALERT at it all, Kind of Like Spitting rails through garage about the frustration of a “Tyco Racing Set and A Christmas Story Fifteen Times.” Isn’t that a level of Hell?

On the first and the fifteenth come the checks, according to Lil Poverty Angels in their electro-rapping “Welfare Christmas Carols.” Can’t buy presents without ’em.

ILLITERATE UPSTARTS ARE TAKING THE LEAD WITH THE RAZZMATAZZ AND ALL THAT JAZZ; FIFTEEN HOURS CLOCKS ARE RUNNING OUT OF STOCK–YOU CAN SAY IT’S A HELL OF A XMAS CASE ! This is a glimpse of Victor Sierra’s rocking steampunk poetry calling out the madness of Merriness: “The Xmas Case.” There’s a rabbit hole up that chimney.

Shooting straight, Eleri Angharad gets lounge-y downbeat with: December the 15th I’m still getting your call And you say that you miss me while you’re decking the hall–The festive feeling got you singing the blues, But I think you’ve forgot who you’re talking to. She’s not “Santa’s Little Helper” after all. Go suck Eggs-mas.

Leo Sayer gets confused Down Under when he notes Well I’m half a mile from Canberra Where it snowed for fifteen minutes–Now it’s gone. That’s like “Christmas in July” down there. Next, Iceland! New age rock.

MxPx rocks out how in Fifteen minutes I’ll be touching down; I’m finally back in town to unpack my bags and settle down. For good or bad, they are “Coming Home for Christmas.” Another chore off the list!