Month: May 2024

Stocking Stocker

Santa Claus is Missing! howls Pyreworks in their experimental church organ dirge “International Catastrophe.”

Where Have You Gone–? moans Rudy Casoni in the lounge act “The Christmas That Was.” But this time, the Sinatrator isn’t making with the comedy so much as the message. Santa died because we have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. His body was found behind the Walmart

Aye Cay goes to extreme lengths to get even with Santa after being passed over. In bluegrass (reminiscent of Sufjan Stevens) he reveals “The Plot.” Not for the faint of hearth.

BLUE ALERT Rap “The Death Of Santa Claus” by Cult Activity (ft. Claas) holds no scruples over murder. Brutal.

Dr. Scythe catches “Santa’s Last Christmas” with lighthearted metal. Frozen is bad.

Bullet in the head, is the method from Infinity Greenhouse. Indie pop BLUE ALERT autopsies “Santa’s Dead” with musical precision. Don’t tell the kids, but they’re not sorry.

White boy rap from T Vinci (feat. Sully Gunther, James PM, Woolly Peaches & Yung Krusty) follows a fall and plow over. “Santa?” is only the beginning. The boys do the cover up and then do the job. But….

Valley of Love (Dan Barbanel · Amaury Massion · Joy As a Toy) overproduce the dramatic reenactment “Santa Died for You.” As much a march as just plain pop.

The Smothers Brothers sing their unfinished “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” redo with abrupt panache.

After the fall, whaddya going to do? Make Like Monkeys retrorock the answer in “Santa Claus is Dead.” Hint: you’ll need a lighter.

Roof Dancer

Let’s pile on Santa! Call him names! Judge him! BearRon once again strums and hums, this time about “Dumb Santa.” Three legged pants don’t make a keen gift!

Flooded Cellar mocks the list-maker without a clue in the grungy funk of “If Santa Only Knew.” What Santa didn’t know: He wants to lay some lovin’ on you, girl.

“Bad Mall Santa” may not be the real guy, but Yulenog garages a heap o’ complaints that range from sartorial to personal. The image is tarnished.

Jeff Dunham (as his Bubba J character) sketches the sketchy “Santa is a Redneck” with rall purty country music. It’s all chaw in cheek.

Several versions of “Here Comes Bubba Claus” take on the original carol with less effort than Slidawg & the Redneck Ramblers here apply to the classic frontier humor of the American South.

That crazy, overworked oldster might be getting forgetful. “Santa Got Lost In Texas” cowboys out The Twang. Big place, you know. Like the world.

“Santa’s Lost On the Underground” is fine Britpop from Little Timmy Tinsel & The Fairy Lights. Some fine guitar, but no solutions from fellow riders.

What you don’t want to hear is Santa saying “I Forget.” Chuck Picklesimer uses folk weirdness to explore the onset of dementia.

Making lighter of it, Chris Bennett jazzes the lounge with the Hey, Now of “Santa Claus Forgot.” So funny i almost forgot to, uh, you know.

Worst of all, Santa lost himself! “Where’d Ya Put Santa?” jugs out The Christmas Jug Band. It’s not rhetorical, dude. Help out.

Spier of Children

What could be worse for a generous soul than to be labeled elitist? Bad Folk try a carnival approach to indie with “Christ, It’s Cold.” That’s not just a reading on weather, but on humanity. BLUE ALERT

“How Does Santa Know?” lounge pops Lauren Mayer about who gets a visit and who has a menorah. Dim the house and cue the spotlight.

Yid Kids point out how devout they are (with sitar!), yet “Santa Doesn’t Come to Little Jewish Children’s Houses.” Guess they’ll have to make do with eight days of presents.

Worth repeating: Sarah Silverman demands reciprocity in “Give the Jew Girl Toys.” Wacky country show tune that asks WWJD.

Some Xians still don’t get goodies. “Will Santy Come to Shanty Town?” asks Eddy Arnold with easy listening (so-called) country. Praying doesn’t seem to help!

Toby Keith jerks the tears with quieter ‘country’ in the homeless child’s plea “Santa, I’m Right Here.”

Young And Sexy returns us to an indie mood via “Santa Claus Likes Rich Kids Better.” Yes, Karen, there IS a Santa Claus.

The Attery Squash (feat Rev. Ivan Stang as Santa) try Britpop hoppiness as “Santa’s Laughter Mocks The Poor.” [Song title ‘appropriated’ from Mystery Science Theater 3000.] Holy moly.

Pedo in Fur

Is Santa more than a man? Or less? Sonny Boy Williamson II’s “Santa Claus” is into your lady’s dresser drawers. What gives? Blues? Pinks? Polka dots?

Frenetic punk from Alice vs. Everything alleges “Santa is Coming…” from sodomy and so jailed. Something’s terribly wrong.

“Santa’s a Dirty Old Man” concludes Lil Poverty Angels about his unstable mall behavior. Word jazz that does not include consent.

JMaq notices something disturbing while peeking Xmas Eve, but he doesn’t know “Why is Santa Wearing a Thong?” Stylized electronic rap with a twisty twist.

Crux dabbles in paedophilia with “A Touch of Christmas.” This showtune pop went there.

Monkish knows better when “Santa’s on the Register.” The sex offender list informs their garagey rock.

Rudy Casoni warns some Santas ain’t super in his lounge act “Beware, Beware.” Better take notes.

Matt Roach has a personal up close experience in the folk-rock “Santa Touched My Candy Cane.” This is not the worst report we’ve hear, but the trauma’s still there.

What could be worse? The Christmas Cards sweetly balladeer the pop “Santa’s Got a Secret.” What is said secret? Listen carefully. You’ll never be the same afterward.

The Anti-Grinch

Is Santa a KILLER? Worth repeating: The Killers beg with blues rock “Don’t Shoot Me Santa.” Didn’t you ask for kevlar PJs?

Michele Lee duets herself in the cartoon special about Santa running over (killing) some grandma somewhere. “Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants Off of Santa” applies bossa nova strategy to the civil case that follows.

Ink a tutorial about how you “Better Be Good” Hot Buttered Elves let slip how Santa has a license to kill and will eat (and do worse to) your remains. Oogies. Sock hop rock.

“Double Barrel Santa (the Night the Reindeer Died)” by X-Ray Mary is retro punk inspired grisliness of the homicidal kind. Duck! He’s reloading!

Starting with ‘She’ll be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain,’ SCUM [BLUE ALERT] alerts us with hard rock that “Santa’s Coming.” Unlike other hopeful lyrics, in this song his goals include raping and killing.

More BLUE ALERT from Poke-Gangster with his rap wreck “Santa Killa.” Yuck.

Pyreworks smashes “St. Nick’s Hit List” with gravel gargling metal. Something something kill something.

To reassure you, “Santa Claus Got Busted!” Mr. Cork takes him down with perky organ pop and a small drugs charge. He doesn’t do well up the river.

Wendell Ferguson takes it slower with the bluesy “Santa’s Doing Time.” Just a B&E, or a few hundred. He’ll be back by next year.

Hippie Freak

Foster Gray & The JJs insists “Santa is an Arsonist.” Evidence? He brings coal! Unplugged garage fooling around.

Arne Åsmund uses cowboy pop to prove in “X to the Masses” that Santa rose in the criminal ranks from lowly drug runner to strung out street person.

“Santa’s Got the Munchies” folk pops Jet Baker, implying some irresponsibility on the part of that important delivery system. Better get more cookies!

Protesting too much Charlie Stewart electro-countries “Santa Claus Ain’t a Hippie.” Hey, isn’t protesting what hippies do?

Neil Halstead covers Fountains of Wayne’s “The Man in the Santa Suit” with pathos the original didn’t have. Ah, the futility of Santa in a modern age!

Fruitcakes (give it a moment to start…) parodies “Santa Claus is Coming” with a trip to ‘The Price is Right’ to win a new sleigh. Makes him look like a dummkopf.

Nor does Dianna Corcoran take the “Funny Little Fat Guy” in a red suit seriously. Serious country rock, though. Stalking much?

D’modes undermines the whole thing in “The Silly Season.” Swinging pop criticism that STARTS with Santa. Rated M.

Benny Grunch & The Bunch point around the back of the neighborhood ’cause “Santa and His Reindeer Used to Live Rite Here.” Cajun rap. This is good stuff.

Mr. Pointy Hat

Santa Criminal? Sharks Teeth run with space rock (think Pink Floyd) as they deconstruct their “Broken Trust in Santa.” Thoughtful, but scared.

Ray Stevens cornpones out the same old hee haw with the “Nightmare Before Christmas.” It was only a dream, but the charges against conservativism should not be taken lightly.

BSam goes to immense, though amateurish, lengths to parody Jeff Wayne’s (awesome) rock opera ‘War of the Worlds‘ with “The Christmas Eve of War.” The sleighs are invading!

“Santa Took My Car” croons the country Duck Logic Comedy about the inexplicable actions of the jolliest one. He was given permission (and keys), but he didn’t even gas it up when he returned it!

“Christmas Cheers” from the Not fur Longs is a saccharine song about Santa trying to steal the tree. Infectious!

“Enter Santa” is the metal parody The Withers uses to warn you off the breaker and enterer.

Dave Rudolf points out Santa’s criminal driving record in “Folly Old St. Nicholas.” It changes up that old Xmas song.

D’Modes employs hard rock silliness to portray the mental decline of “Psycho Santa.” First he came for your trees… and you said nothing.

Frosty Felon

On one side of crime: The Bilge Pumps shake down Santa (out of desperation) in “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.” Kindergarten percussion, but the threats are grisly.

Dave Rudolf notes that “Santa Claus was Running Through Town.” It was a bad part of town. Guess what the cops thought when they saw him running?

On the other: BearRon pokes old folk with the banjo-tactic “When He (Santa) Comes.” He takes your stuff, including your car. You better insure!

Rollins Bell’s spoken word scene of the crime descripto “Santa the Thief” is the devolution of icon to con. Unplugged jazz guitar chaos in the background.

Richard Sponaugle has gotten some crummy gifts from his so-called friends. So he calls out “Come Quick, Nick” in order to get a great Santa present. In a country pop song peripeteia, Nick robs and beat him! Isn’t that always the way?

Weazeldust counts down the hours on Christmas Eve hoping for a peek. But, when he awakens too late, he cries out in rockabilly pop: “Santa Claus You Dirty Rat (Bring Back My Guitar).” That stealer even serenades him with it on the roof!

“Santa in a Ski Mask (Stick ’em up it’s Christmas)” starts with a brick through the window… Angry ska from 4 Aspirin Morning, however, makes the violent robbery worthwhile. Weee!

Danger! Intruder!

Is Santa… a monster? Worth repeating: “Christmas is Creepy” by Fred Figglehorn is the ADHD synthed kidsong from a previous generation. Like 2010. Wow.

Beefus concocts an odd Xmas musical (Daddy Slap Chop and the Santa Gland) in which Santa undergoes a horrific transformation: “What’s Happening to My Body?” he screams. Graphic, yet comedic jazz/R+B.

Mark Cummings retells “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas” about the time he mistakenly climbed into the nuclear reactor, began to glow, and seemed to disappear. Weird.

Now in Terrorcore! Kurwastyle Project hammers at the electronica to give us “Santa Stole Your Children.” A nightmare Pete the Elf hepped me to.

Sprighty old world folk from Alan.s.Robinson reveals that “Santa Claus has Eaten the Baby.” WTF? Is he an Ultraliberal Democrat? Monstrous!

Transvestimentals applies hard rock to “Scary Santas (And Christmas Creeps).” It’s the same old story: girl runs from old man in panic.

Jeff Hershey & The Heartbeats reveals all in the moody R+B “Santa Claus is a Monster.” Creeping, eating all the cookies, mistreating elves, crashing sleighs… you see what he’s getting at.

Coal Man – mildly blue alert

How mean can Santa get? “Santa Sneezed on Me” recalls Matt Farley (aka The Toilet Bowl Cleaners). It results in a criminal prosecution. The blues.

“Santa Gaga” is a parody by reubennase that aims to frighten with a little BLUE ALERT, a little talentless rock, and a little graphic imagery.

Lil Poverty Angels does their odd spoken jive rap improv thing to scare us with “I Heard Santa’s a Blood” (he calls it Crips-mas!) as well as “Drive by on Santa’s Sleigh” BLUE ALERT.

The Electric Amish are pretty scared when “Parson Klaus is Coming to Town.” The tune is an old carol, but the concept is adorbs.

Bragging about their crappy music since 1988, Wheelchair Full of Men wishes revenge ‘cuz “Santa Claus Hates Me.” Experimental (or just mental) jazz with a scarily quiet intensity.

Go Slowpoke is mad as Noel and not going to take “Shit from Santa” anymore. That crotchety old so and so. Lovely folk with fab kazoo bridge.