Damn That Holiday: Hell.0

Sheol, Gehenna, and Hades get name dropped in the Bible, but Hell arrives centuries later as taken from Old Germanic. It’s not as old as God. It’s a human thing. We need it. But do we need it… for Xmas?

Smiling Friends from Adult Swim has a brief ditty about “Christmas in Hell.” The jazzy pop is so light that they sing Aitch – Ee – Double Ell.

Why can’t every day be like Christmas in Hell” goes the caffeinated pop of Young Satan. Careful what you curse for.

Softshoe jazz-time from Tennis Elbow welcomes you to “Christmastime (In Hell).” Politics are mentioned.

Christmas In Hell” is where These Stains Are Who I Am discover themselves at an importune time. Spanky showtune for those who want to clap along with their ultimate and very detailed misfortune. Hee hee.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Bah & The Humbugs album

Full disclosure, the ‘Jolly Roger, the Christmas Pirate’ short musical theatre bit is only the last part of Bah & The Humbugs’ album Another Christmas Ruined. It begins with Santa (in disguise) questioning young Jenny about what she wants to Xmas in “The Only Thing on Jenny’s List.” Things turn ugly.

This causes Santa to question his raison d’etre. His existential crisis is summed up in the solo “I’m Not Obsessive.”

“The Spirit of Christmas Presents” haunts the haunted Santa to explain what is what. The moral of the song is: strength in numbers.

Out of the blue, pirates (“Jolly Roger and his Chorus of Pirates”) arrive–with a deal. They need help with the delivery of jacked booty. The waters are too hot these days.

The booty? “All You Need is Rum.” And it’s for Santa! (Boy, are the elves happy!)

Seeing his shot, Santa challenges Jolly Roger to an arm wrestling match–in the song “Arms”–as to who delivers Christmas presents!

The sponsor “Northern Lights” beer interrupts the longish match with an elvish commercial.

Spoiler alert–Santa wins. He’s “The North Pole Champ.” Elf dogpile!

Santa is so relieved not to be the target this holiday, he’s having “The Merriest Christmas of All.” What a party.

Jolly Roger gets his training from Santa in “The Tao of the Sleigh.” Apparently any monkey can do this, with the massive tech on Santa’s sleigh. The gifts will almost deliver themselves. Saying Ho Ho Ho, however, eludes him.

The actual story is just the postscript here: JR delivers, faces down the scary Jenny, and succeeds (and takes whiskey as well as cookies). Huzzah.

In “The Joyous Ending” Santa gloats. Jolly Roger shines. Phew.

That’s enough of that. Except for the men workshopping catch phrases. Oh, yeah–and don’t leave out your liquor.

Yuletide: Above Board

Old salts know how to make the best of a bad thing.

Robert Palomo tries the parody tack with “Sailor Christmas Carols.” Hard workin’ men havin’ a larf.

The Green Monkey Christmas Chorale (feat. Gary Minkler) get into character with “Xmas Time for Sailors.”

A Yuletide Sea Shanty” is a fun curiosity from Steve Parsons. Sung here by the Excelsia Singers this operatic tale of tempest tossed sailors visited by Santa & The Reindeer becomes comic, in a good way.

Yuletide: Hull in a Handbasket

Want a boat? Build it yourself! For Christmas!

Hawksley Workman plans to “Build a House or Maybe a Boat.” It’ll be ready by Xmas. It rides like a showtune, but it’s pure lounge blues. Wild.

Lukas Graham sings about that boat you built but never got to sail. It becomes a big deal, because you are no longer “Here (For Christmas).” Pop about loss.

Or just act like it–Mikael Englund and Árpád Solti get full on musical theater with “Times of Joy, Dreams Ahoy!” Free, happy, skating, giving… it’s all patter building to shout out that final nautical send off.

Yuletide: Toyboat Toyboat Toyboat

Boats can be gifts for Xmas.

Christmas Oranges & Sunk Submarines” is Buttonfly’s plea to stay home for the holidays and not see all the extended family with the baby. Gentle indie folk that bleeds the blues all over the tub toys.

Curly head dolls that toddle and coo, Elephants, boats, and kiddie cars too are just some of the booty you’ll see when “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” Not every version bothers with these carrots, preferring to terrify you instead with the stick of his seeing of you when you’re sleeping. Try Gastronomical Unit’s re-imaging.

The elf who DOESN’T get to make the toy boats is pretty pissed BLUE ALERT in Tessa Barcelo’s ‘Toyland’ musical. “Merry Christmas for Today” is a mad lyrical rap from Hanna Bielawa who is not satisfied on the shelf. Frantic and antic.

Cowabunga Christmas.16

You ready for Santa Claus to show you the moves? On his blade? In the racy?

The Ramblers take us back to the ‘6os (again) with their salutary “Surfin’ Santa.” Way more pop than rock. That background chorus competes with the gull noises.

Summertime Santa” by Jason Didner and the Jungle Gym Jam is perilous pop as well. Plenty retro for pop, but the elevator music sort.

Christmas Countdown: 5 days/nights

The Puzzlers have a sad relationship with jobs: I come to this soulless office five days a week To earn a crust and get me through to the weekend so to speak. Big plan’s for the holiday office party, however, as they’ll knock out the boss. Grinding metal punk suits “Christmas in Puzzlerville” just dandy.

Aussie Greg Doolan gets animal-friendly with his unnecessary “The Five Days of Christmas.” For the completist.

Pandemic holiday songs may have their own sub-sub-genre, but “Christmas Bubble” is a light pop (rocking guitar solo!) bit of snark from Amie. Sing along with the refrain: Come be in my Christmas Bubble, Five whole days we’ll have no trouble; If we drink enough we might see double!

Suplex Machine worries that it’s 5 days to Christmas when it’s “Nearly Christmas With Jean.” Garage folderol that gets a joint jumpin’.

Cheesy pop from The Cheetah Girls will count it down: There’s 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 more days All around the world. “Five More Days ’til Christmas” delivers what it promises. Okay fine bye.

Also counting, J T Machinima industrial pops “Merry FNAF Christmas” from five days until… well, doomsday. Look out.

Velvet Mac is panicky because now it’s five days away from Christmas Day, and you’re out of the picture, and it’s hurting, and “Christmastime (Let It Go).” Weird electronic pop will help.

Using more than two hands Ian C A Buchanan warns, Don’t tell me I can’t celebrate cause Halloween is still 5 days away: The season never ends in my heart. “Never Too Soon to Celebrate (Christmas)” gets a little over-orchestrated, but the energy is infectious.

Christmas Countdown: 25 [other]

Don’t wait til the 25th cautions Jessie Dunks with cool jazz acoustic guitar in “Give Thanks.” Ostensibly a Thanksgiving song, that dares to compare itself to Christmas.

Mêlée rocks out the annual question “(When is) Hanukkah this Year?” What’s that to do with our number? Contrast! So goes the intro: Yeah, it’s really good to have it just, you know You know it’s the 25th every year so no surprises–Yeah, hey, that’s true.

December 25th isn’t enough: Why stop at 1 day, Let’s go the rest of the month! chortles Rob Vischer in a sly party pop mood. “‘Til New Year’s Eve” is a plea to leave up the tree. I thought y’all already did do dat. Piffle, but uplifting.

Biggie Cream astounds me with his random bubba-ness and inappropriate rhymes. In his rap “Holiday Szn” Santa grabs your kids and rides away on his motorcycle, But December 25 its hunting season! Time to die! What the noel, dude?

Here’s something you don’t sing every day… Heymonday rattles the rafters with the overdone pop message: I just don’t get how I could ever spend the 25th without “Our Mixtape for Christmas.” Not sure if that’s love, or just music.

Redbubble seems to be an Australian online site for ordering stuff printed on merchandise. Hence “All I Want For Christmas (Is Gameshow’s Redbubble)” from Gavin and Qnce. At times awful, at times horrific, at times befuddling. But only 25 [Australian] dollars.

Harry and Chris from ‘The Russell Howard Hour’ (yeah, i don’t know ’em either) explain Christmas from the 25th to the placenta to a last minute, on the way to Christmas dinner, present-buying, emergency service station stop in “The Christmas Song.” Pop show tune comedy. Literally.

Christmas Countdown: 105

Jeremiah 10:5 is the jumping off point for Allen Thomas in “Who is Your God?” Careful how you answer, idolator. Your idols may look righteous but they are not right I hear talk of Santa Claus ’round Christmas time But Santa C’s a fantasy Cuz he’s not alive…. Righteous rap.

Road Trip! The Lunar Collective reflects on The Pandemic family visit in “What a Christmas Gift.” Understand, you’re getting my presence… pretty great, huh? The driver seems infatuated with whomever it is riding shotgun, though: Down the 105 To your sister’s stupid estate Just a box of wine and We’ll be fine and great. They may get sick there on the Washington coast, but not of each other. Showtune pop.

Christmas Countdown: 200 BLUE ALERT

Still into the triple digits, but now we’re at the line between heavyweight and the lower weights. The first unprimable number. The big two-double-oh.

Easy folk-alts “Christmas Memories” about watching ‘Home Alone’ 200 times and liking the photo albums better with rum. But when she comes hither with maybe tonight We can make another Christmas memory, the song gains traction and violins and tubular bells. Childlike wonder sits well on this giggly grownup.

I just spent 200 on my friend’s list, regrets Shayla Hamady in “I’m Broke But Happy Holidays.” This alt-lounge serenade is a cool goof on celebrating, but the pissiness lingers like unwashed socks.

The duo Schmab brings it home with the colliding culture shock of “Fuck Yeah Christmas,” a gospel rant of dysfunctional proportions. Finally a song to fully reference a Red Ryder carbide action 200-shot range model air rifle and the Roker polar vortex. Ah, men.