Sandy Claws

You know what’s as much fun as praising St. Nick? Tearing him into li’l pieces!!

To begin, we’ll recognize the global phenomenon of Mr. Christmas, almost as widely recognized as Mickey Mouse. But, to get multicultural about it, “Some Children See Him” as different colors and adorned in local accoutrement. Others have made this a kidsong, but TEF’s 1958 rendering is gospel pontificating.

The Snowman translates from Earth-tongue to Ozzie in “Who is Father Christmas?” A globetrotting characterization with boings and skritching brings Music Hall home. Racist? Don’t make me laugh!

Balloon Man (feat. Julie Tweddle) needs an “International Santa Claus.” This must be in order to have enough room to–DANCE! Electronica from the ’80s.

The Golden Orchestra brings it back USA in “The Jolly Gent Who Jingles.” Jazzy kidsong that’s so retro i forget how old i am.

Ruining children’s joy, Rickey Royale slapdashes “Santa Claus Around the World.” Stop the world, i want to get off.

Rudy Casoni lets his xenophobe flag fly with his Sinatra homage: “Showtime Fatty.” It gets nasty, but it’s lounge luscious!

Damn That Holiday: Hellions

BLUE ALERT for Busdriver’s mad rant over the holidays. “Ding-a-Ling-a-Ring-a-Ling” is a rap for the ages (adult only) that compares cashiers to hellions. It gets worse. Catchy bicycle bell though.

An actual hellion enters stage right in ‘Possessive! The Musical.’ Yet this Darian merely interrupts the satanic conjuring of his sis in order to get filled up with badness. He wasn’t ever getting but a Whole dang coal mine Christmas stocking; still i figure this is more victim than minion. Listen to the metal limned “Friday the 13th (Intro Intro Intro)” to figure it out.

Elevnety Seven (feat. Spaceman Jones) Suffered a nervous breakdown Bringing Christmas Eve back to Halloween Town crawling out of the “Hellmouth.” Rapping the pop song. So, bleak AND annoying.

Fleetwood Mac figures If today was Christmas day And tomorrow was Christmas Eve, there wouldn’t be need to worry about the “Hellhound on My Trail (Take 1).” Tinkly lounge music that reminds us Xmas trumps Hell-things.

Christmas Countdown: 50…

BLUE ALERT Blight Dolezal slips in a chipmunk filter to his rap”Trappin’ on Christmas” with lots of drugs, but Mess with the money and we pull the trigger–No child jobs we ain’t babysitters: 50 strippers, beat ’em to the bed Then go back to gettin’ richer.

Not terribly surprised by “50 Shades of Christmas.” Liz Moriondo jazzily R+Bs the usual wordplay into a near-decent ditty about blindfolded foreplay.

Santa Baby” gets a remix rap treatment from The Christmas All Stars (Salt-N-Pepa · Onyx · Snoop Dogg · P. Diddy · Keith Murray · Mase · Joseph Simmons). Late night, stars are bright We gettin rocked! With the 50 St. Nicholas Start rippin this. Is it the cops? The money? The nunna my beezneez?

More tomfoolery from Jeff Dunham’s persona Bubba J covering “Roadkill Christmas” (which we have featured before from The Road Kill Band). The wife outwrestles the not-quite-dead deer peeled off the road, since she had 50 pounds over him. Har. Country music har.

Warbling surf rock is also silly. So “Santa’s Got a Surfboard Guitar Sleigh” (with a fifty foot deck!) is Julius Davis giving us the humor.

BLUE ALERT NoneSoo gets crazy in “3 Hos” with driving under the influence (getting bout fifty) and a backseat full of women. Careless rap.

Well, it guess it’s Christmas Eve when Carrie Underwood’s protagonist–with 50 miles to go–spins out on black ice and begs “Jesus Take the Wheel.” So, Xmas adjacent.

Codlist (feat. Still Stevens) plays the fool with the ironic lounge idiocy of “Crack Open an Ice Cold Christmas.” 50 years ago this day a baby was born in Bethlehem, This triggered a phenomenon known as “Christ Mas.” You celebrate in your way, and i’ll stay over here.

Christmas Countdown: 1965

The Seething Coast gets antic with a rap-like folk diatribe “Tinker’s Blues” which brings out some thinking, including Sometimes I think of Christmas time in 1965. This may be a Viet Nam riff, but also a groovy ditty.

The Beatles’ Third Christmas Record” careens through Israel, all-white policy, success, Vietnam, copyright infringement, and the weather. A candid snapshot of the time.

WyGuy raps out the loss of spirituality for the holiday in “Mean Spirited” by alluding to several movies/specials, including the Charlie Brown one Way back three years after the Christmas of 1962. Do the math, i guess.

Allan Sherman (remember him?) tells it like it makes you itch with newsfed laughter in “Have Yourself a Sixties Merry Christmas.” But he means 1965. He says so. Schlocky lounge comedy, but that was king back then. (Aka ‘Draft Cards Burning on an Open Fire.’)

Christmas Countdown: 1984

The Kinetics romp and stomp the pop with “Christmas 1984,” a time of superficial glee. Bodacious.

Low Fidelity Love Songs is more introspective with “Christmas (1984).” Just wants to feel like he’s alive, guys. Alt-garage.

The Fragments get bitter with “Merry Christmas 1984.” Indie as she goes. Stop crying in the gutter!

Well, this is no silly old year. This is a literary allusion you should all recognize. Meet the Seavers go highball low lounge jazzy with “Christmas 1984,” pointing out the lengths and depths surveillance Santa will go to. Watch out! Be good!

ad silentnitum, keepontrucking

We’re stuck! Xmas songs about forever christmas!

Another Holiday” has got the harsh vocals, loud brass, and slick pop noodling of the ’80s. Why not, it was The Other Ones’ hit from ’87. Forceful.

A handful of scorn, but on the other hand a delightful pop croon: “Another Drunken Santa Claus Christmas” calls out the worst of us to the best of them. Amusingly quiet. Sleeping Dogs Lie nail it.

Allusion alert! Stupendium includes all the cool scary villains from —i’m i don’t know, ask a Millennial–in “Another Horror Holiday.” This campy lounge showstopper might be your next cultural party quiz. Name that baddie!

A Near Thing -8

Are you clued-in to check the beat? These swingin’ verses are straight from the ‘fridge, daddy-o. And they also pertain to the neighborhood of Christmastide.

If you try too hard, swingin’ cool gets loud and loungey and–gasp–showtune-like. Hence David Tobin’s “Almost Time for Christmas Day.” He’s one Hep C cat.

Marrying gospel and John Prine, John Field is his own man with “Nearly Christmas.” A bit loud, but my head’s a-noddin’.

Billie and The Haint plug in garage nonchalance with “Almost Christmas.” It’s a beatnik banger, a hippie howler, a millennial meltdown.

Actual big band swing is still a genre of historical note, so let’s apply ourselves to the sweet girl gang The Morning Report in their “Christmas is Just Around the Corner.” Wartime was warm times way back then.

A jugband ragtime lassez-faire meandering, “It’s Almost Christmas” ups the ante of local in-the-know dead on time. Hats off (then back on, ‘cuz its Chicago winter!)!

A Near Thing -9

The music I can ONLY swallow ironically is lounge swing pop. Surely it is never intended to be taken on face value….

Well Paul Rolnick is batting for the cheap seats with the ploncky “It’ll be Christmas Before You Know It.” IS he rolling his eyes? Naw, he’s icky earnest. Ew. (Billy Stritch might be pulling our leg with his silky version.)

Leaning into the curves (wait for it…) Joe Escobar sets up and eases into “Christmas Time’s Around the Corner” with such panache he didn’t even spill his martini. Smooth (except for that unnecessary brass.)

Piano jazz bar and a nod to Frank make Tom Deger & DarkHorse a nose ahead with their “It’s Almost Christmas Time.” Playful country electric and a drugged-out swirling helps.

“Jingle (Bells)” …keep dancing (older now)

Add the word JINGLE to your number and Xmas hits the spot. Bells may be implied.

Andy Beck and Brian Fisher bring you another kids’ assembly pageant with “Jingle Bells Jukebox.” Jumping and shaking to follow.

Jingle Down the Christmas Tree” is PJ Parker’s sultry euphemism for the best gift ever–the oldest form of dance there is.

Michael Hurtt & His Haunted Hearts cowboy up the slide guitar with “Jingle Bells Boogie,” a quite danceable honky tonk wonder. Asleep at the Wheel don’t quite bring it to their tired version.

Almost a word-for-word rendition, Wayne Newton manages to demolish the family joy of this traditional song with his smarmy lounge version “Jingle Bell Hustle.” Only one word has been added to the original. Can you spot it? Should you?

ël-No, the twenty-second

The intrinsic suppliers of the poverty paradigm involve shit-out-of-luck parameters that seem out of our control. No Christmas for you and your loved ones, ‘cuz–just ‘cuz.

Scott Anderson honky tonks the blue grass with his spiral into bad luck “Ain’t No Christmas Round Here.” It’s the usual country-western lament, but that banjo just keeps me from cryin’.

Yulenog blows smoky jazz lounge for the gambling addict who leaves it all on the table and “No Christmas” follows his sorry ass home. Pretty messy.