In One’s Cups for the High Holidays

The full drunk is like the full sleep, you never feel that moment of slip into surrender. But you’ll know later.

For now the songs are loud and uninhibited.

The Bob and Tom Band make parody of ‘Winter Wonderland’ a la Dudley Moore’s ‘Arthur’ character with the drunk sounding “It’s Christmas and I Wonder Where I Am.” This is Dr. Demento approved humor, so i like it too.

If you call cool cool rockabilly uninhibited (i do). “Drunk on Christmas” by Overgrown RocknRoll might be an exception, as drunk here refers to a giddy glee Brough on by the joyous time of the year–hell, just dance.

Government Zero bellows “Drunk for Christmas” with a few expletives and plenty of synonymy for drunk (including today’s word). It’s roiling Brit rock with punk bitters, that’s what that is.

Cruddy Pants the Clown gets reflective, if not in tune, with “The Little Clown is Drunk Again” purportedly about his own sick self. It’s an humble parody of ‘Little Town’ with disgusting consequences. Underplayed is the best i can call it.

Brent Burns, a parrothead humorist, details his confessional “I Got Drunk at the Office Christmas Party” sounding half in the bag while singing. It’s half Hawaiian slack key, half party oompah, but mostly queasy.

Drink N.B. Merry: bourbon

The best of the batch for bourbon Christmas singing hails from Bob’s Burgers, a secret source of novelty music of every ilk. “The Spirits of Christmas” may ostensibly be about all merry drinking, but it doesn’t take a whole minute of listening to realize slumlord Mr. Fischoeder (Kevin Kline) has a favorite. Those who watch the end credits of the series will get why brother Felix has to skate in and out of frame the entire song.

Consume-mas Quantities: dietary restrictions

Santa should watch his intake, let’s be frank. Songs about Kris’s recommended diet include Jack Servello singing “Fat Free Santa” (sugary fun), Sha Na Na with “Santa’s on a Diet” (r’n’r mashed potatoes), The Uncle Brothers h’yucking “Santa’s Diet” (runny oompah), Michael T Hogg’s “Santa’s on a Diet” (pressed ham country), Elfish Pressley trying too hard with “Santa’s on a Weight Loss Plan” (creamed country comedy), and The Poets jamming to “Santa’s on a Diet” (delicious bluegrass).

Diets are not the gift you want that time of year. His Own gets the family together to hip hooray for gluttony with “Christmas Time is No Time to Diet.” You knew that, but did you want to sing it with the easy listening melodies here? Yum yum yum.

The Christmas Pranksters jazz up ‘Night Before’ with “‘Twas the Diet Before Christmas.” Yes, it’s the nightmare of not eating everything in sight. With the electric keyboard set to ‘glass jars.’

After Christmas diets make living hard, too. jsbarber1 posts a lovely lady singing “I’m Gonna Have to Diet After Christmas” to ‘Hipopotamus.’ She’s pretty good and I guess that takes the sting of watching what you eat out a touch.

These days, moreover, you can’t just cook ANYTHING for anyone for Xmas dinner. Allergies, GI ailments, health regimens have made grandma obsolete. Before we print the menu, let’s check in with the family and spouses to see what THEY can’t have.

Lisa sets her lament to ‘Rudolf’ and humors up the frustration in “Lisa’s Christmas Dinner Song.” Poor Lisa. Have another glass.

Perhaps the original of this late night adult talent show winner is from Sandy and Richard Riccardi. “The Holiday Dinner Party” oozes club schmaltz but does well for all that. The audience digs it.

Sweet Christmas! fruitcake 3

Some supposedly supportive songs on fruitcake are bad numbers on purpose, or they are the so-called left-handed compliment.

The bombast of M. Ryan Taylor’s “Ode to a Fruitcake” makes me suspicious. People don’t usually snigger at operatic recitals, do they?

A couple of street corner blues croakers apply their “Fruitcake Song” lyrics metaphorically to sex. They want some, but not that kind.

Spongebob Squarepants spends a few seconds touting “Hot Fruitcake” on his holiday album. It may be tongue in sponge, however.

Bubble Gum Becky from Mighty Magic Pants explodes “Someone Ate My Fruitcake!” at a high school talent holiday shindig. She wanted that dish, but if you listen carefully, she didn’t. Mold, blah, yada, blah.

Cookie Cutter Girl rocks her “Fruitcake Song” rolling out the cornucopia which includes our humble sweetbread. But little digs here and there make me question her hunger levels. This hails from the annual Seattle drag-comedy holiday revue show ‘Ham for the Holidays.’ It’s your basic show stopper.

Here’s something else you don’t see every day… for the holidays ’15 Oregon Lottery tried a Fruitcake scratch-off which did as well as anything else. Their promos from AdJab featured half songs supposedly from an album [Spirit of Fruitcake vol. 4] including “Not on My Table” (country), “What’s that Fruitcake Doing Under My Tree?” (’70s power ballad), “(The Holidays Aint Nuttin) Without My Fruitcake” (electric funk), and the most positive: “Merry Christmas Fruitcake” (lazy lounge lothario). Hey now!

Jesus Christ! three on a match

“We Three Kings” gets childish horseplay from the choirboys as a silly bit of doggerel should.

Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors show us the childish way as an immature star should.

Made up band Spinal Tap fumbles through their own I-can-only-remember-the-kids-lyrics mock up. It’s a short bit.

The most fun is the largely unclaimed “We Three Bings” from the Blame it on Christmas album (2000). The song is untouched, but the bing-isms abound bountifully.

Jesus Christ! in the hark ballpark

I can’t avoid this forever: most old fashioned traditional boring Christmas carols are about the coming of the King of Kings,

“Hark the Herald Angels Sing” doesn’t get much jiggery pokery, not that it isn’t steamrolled by inappropriate talent.

purenrg puts a Disney caffeinated zing on “Hark” so at least it’s over quickly. But what a teeny mess.

Bob Dylan’s own holiday album from a couple years back murdalizes “Hark” with coffee making (‘he brews’ get it?). Ow-ow-owoooo!

Lounge lizarding the joint up, Jesus Presley (you read that right) smarms the high holy right off “Hark”‘s Godly goodness. It’s all instrumental, so save it for your next karaoke coming out. O my.

Jesus Christ! stablemates

I’m not sure how long Mary was laid up with birthing biz. Did the wise men show up the next night? The next week?

Here Bah & the Humbugs (again!) feel the Google-Maps-less pain of the wandering sages with “Get Me to the Stable on Time.” That was a lot of desert after all. (And this is a lot of song.)

Jesus Christ! gone nativity

One of the more amusing retellings of the nativity comes from Bah & the Humbugs. “The One Minute Manger” may clock in a couple seconds long, and it may play off the Blanchard and Johnson 1982 business etiquette phenomenon, but it caters to our 21st Century short attention span. And it kinda rocks.