Yesterday’s sex with Santa tunes were rough trade. What about happy gay sex with that silver grizzly?
Again? We did some fun stuff with this topic a while back.
Suite 666 romps the punk with “Santa Blow Me.” It’s angry, but friendly.
Big Freedia asks for a boy (someone like you), bc “Santa is a Gay Man.” This is a Chordettes’ parody of ‘Mr. Sandman.’ Too raunchy?? There’s a clean cut from Charted (now that’s weird).
Jesse Hawkins keeps it clean(er) with “Santa Baby (Gay Vision).” This parody asks for clothes, and drugs, and a puppy. Very little kink, just expressions of the heart.
Something Awful’s Donner Party Christmas Party also plays opaque with “I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus,” an echoic instrumental that samples more than seduces.
JossiRossi from the same group later recorded “I Saw Mommy (Explicit) [Censored].” This is that comedy routine where bleeping inspires your filthiest imaginings.
What i’d like to direct your attention to now, however, is quite the oddity. In 1952 Spike Jones & The City Slickers chased Jimmy Boyd’s release with his own featuring his ‘Two Front Teeth” guy George Rock. But, then– for giggles–he had the gang record a SECOND version: “I Saw Mommy Screwing Santa Claus.” Thanks to the internet this private use only recording has finally seen the light of hoi polloi.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” hit #1 on the Billboard singles chart when 13-year-old Jimmy Boyd first released it in 1952. It’s been a staple since. Barely novel at this point. And yet, some of the reactions since–
Kip Addotta turned the idea on its head with “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus” in 1984. Stand Still here covers that for us. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Again! The Yule Logs reorchestrate the idea with “[I Saw Mommy Kiss Santa] Last Night.” Psychological repercussions are explored to a slack key guitar countrification.
Balderdash & Humbug reposition the events for a he said/she said of “My Kid Saw Me Kissing Santa Claus.” Conclusions are jumped to in this spoken piece.
Cecily Strong gets more into the trauma for an SNL sketch that brings in Dad and a big, weird payoff.
Certainly, for novelty purposes, Homer & Jethro, and Tiny Tim deliver with bizarre sounds. But let’s leave this elevator music with a tip of the Captain’s chair to William Shatner and his little kid who’s not getting mad–he’s getting even.
Pulling on the beard is just one more thing that happens because of a “Bahumbug Baby” in Dave Tough’s indie-pop cautionary tale.
Grampa’s got one of those Santa beards in JJ Heller’s pop/folk “Christmastime.” Not sure what’s so traumatic, but she insists we’ll all be fine in a week or two.
The Heebee-jeebees may be confused when they seek someone to “Arrest This Bearded Gentleman.” (To the tune of ‘God Rest Ye’.) They don’t seem to understand who this guy is. But then, the theme to Gilligan’s Island rears up. What? Now i’m confused! Skip-per-r-r-r!
Part and parcel of the parody fill-in is the word game from Price Sloan Stern, Mad Libs. Not as funny as their ‘Droodles,’ this chronic cultural time-waster has its place in the annals of comedy (for kids). So, all you gotta do is take a traditional carol (‘Away in a Manger’), elide some words leaving blanks in their place. Then identify the words as nouns, verbs, what-have-yous, and ask for random part-of-speech examples from the audience to fill in those blanks. The resulting mishegoss MIGHT be amusing. (for kids, it’s usually scatalogical.)(Without an audience, i went with elementary school articles about turtles.) (Oh, and for musicality, I sought out the correct number of syllables for each fill in.)
Manger Mad Libs
1 Away in a OCEAN,
no BEACH for a NEST,
the COASTAL Lord HAWKSBILL,
laid down His GREEN SHELL;
the SEAS in the CURRENTS,
RAN down where He SWAM,
the ADULT MALE HAWKSBILL,
MOBILE on the BAY.
2 The SEABIRDS are CIRCLing,
the Baby HATCHES,
but little ARCHIE CARR,
no DIGGing He MATES.
I LAY Thee, JACQUES COUSTEAU,
look DEEP from the SCUTES
and BREED by my EGGS
until DIVing is nigh.
3 Be near me, AQUARIST;
I MIGRATE to stay
close by SAND forever,
and EMERGE, I WEDGE.
Bless all the dear CLUTCHES
in Thy SNAPPING BEAKS,
and PADDLE for DEEP SEA,
RETRACT with Thee there.
Okay, i didn’t play by the rules. Not random! Some of the lines ‘spoke’ to me, so i went with it. And, while i don’t insist this is NOT blasphemous, i do declare it is educational. Shouldn’t bother third graders.
Misheard lyrics can be funny. Not that i’m big fan or anything. Just thought i’d play around a little and see if any of this comes across. Sing along, you know the tune!
‘Twas Elf Davey’s Crispness
Auntie's furred damselfish mush
Mike's troubled bravery
A cartridge in an arm'ry
Fond of secant above Cost Plus
Mitral valve-ectomy
To purple pugs
Up a part o' speech commentary
Prawns have thirst ambergris must
Metro league guarantee
Tea frequent
Too thirsty Dougs
With a part'san, name of Perry
Awning forced dazed of concuss
My rye loaf game theory
Football cusswords
Me benchpress
Few comes to shove
A plenipotent'ary
Yonder faith die off cripples
Mein Kampf of slavery
Fight goalies
For better (or) worse
Thee henchmen
True ladylove
Part pigeon--oh--apparently
Ganja synth day old crispness
Mistrust all Gemini
Sis, please, I'm lying
Fife fing'rings
Or kilohertz
Feed Karens
Why not, because
A particular skill set, see?
Gonna sever Chekhov's critics
O whereof knavery?
Severe cancer symptoms
Striptease Hawaiian
Frijoles
Free fall in verse
Green has-beens
Blue-purple buzz
With a smart midget canary
Oughta aid Dadaist muse
Milieu lunch gaucherie
Hate made me millions
Safe saucer swinging
Since niece is staying
Hand holdings
Forkful singers
Get Thee hence
Crude octopus
To a party at DoubleTree
Fondue night hit-and-miss nuts
Mildewed lucidity
Nitration (of) Benzene
Eyeshades in moleskin
Overran a swordsman
Styx feeds Malayan
Vile mold'rings
Formal liquors
Five & Tens
Woo fertile bugs
With a heart aching artery
Tanya tint dado crisscross
My new lobotomy
Tinhorns beekeeping
Niag'ra mansion
Abrade a villain
Sentence answers seemly
Sissies allying
Fine goph'ring
Forestall crosswords
God forfends
Chew myrtle dust
Flowcharts were switched with spaghetti
Donder elegant dairy doldrums
Me Too loves gaveling
All level piebald bipeds
Tense horses sleeping
Night makes me handsome
Lay lady lay, Bing
Self serving at summer
Sips cheese in layers
Eye hole kings
Former lingers
The'ter friends
Workbench hair plugs
Say not 'Parting's such sweet sorrow'
Con job elf day old crescents
Make do costumery
They'll've drumsticks drama
All even plywood pliant
Timeworn and legal
New Hades fam'ly
Amaze Amerind
Severance for seamen
Fix greased flambe'd beans
Ficus strings
Forceful angers
Really dense
Who overdoes
When you part fridge from your dairy
I’m not kidding, you have got to sing this word salad. To read it is to dismiss it–or go mad. This is parody of carol, what i call caroldy. (If you’re really not sure which carol, just go on to the next thing, really.) …oof, i tried.
Frank Barrow hits ‘White Christmas’ hard with “Satan’s Birthday.” This echoic carol is a Wiki entry on all the un-Christian aspects of Xmas. Amaze your friends with this info!
The Satanic Temple butchers “Hark! The Fallen Angels Sing!” but not musically. Apart from some dysphonia, the crux of deviltry is in the lyrics.
Absinthe Green vamps up “Satan Baby” (based on… you got it) promising murder and mayhem, rather than asking for much. Good minion.
Better, those same The Satanic Temple skiddy-bop-doo up ‘Gentlemen’ with a kickin’ cool jazz verzh called “Blessings of Knowledge and Fruit.” Workable propaganda for the deuce hisself.
From a 1928 short story in Weird Tales, a mythos was born. The giant octopus-headed man/dragon was a world killer, god, personification of doom and suffering. Chicks dig that.
The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society kick things off with their adorable “Carol of the Old Ones.” Switch a few words around and Bob’s your uncle.
The goat sucker doesn’t get much attention around the holidays.
BLUE ALERT! Diablo Dan raps crap about Santa in “Mr. Santa.” This includes bragging about sexually destroying the Mrs. Tearing that shit up like imma motherfucking Chupacabra. So, good times or what?
John Walsh and Nick Kroll narrate “Chupacabra’s Feliz Navidad” as a personal message to this regional creature. But this Señor Wences bit is for a baby monster. And there’s anti-Semitism (ironically, but still).
Nudist Colony attempts to out lowbrow this mess with an actual parody of ‘Feliz’ in his “El Chupacabra.” If i had other offerings, i’d skip this one.
