Christmas Countdown: the 12 days–worst

The horror that is ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ will not die, whether it’s listing phrases particular to pirates, rednecks, Black Santa, fast food, JC, his disciples, stressed students, COVID-19, sweaters, drugs, kid stuff, romance, weaponry, IT, psychoanalysis, homosexuality, sexual perversion, regrets, online revenue, and nihilism.

Then there’s the regional: the beach, the Delta, the Bayou, the Bahamas, Newfoundland, the Midwest, Vegas, NYC, Hawaii, Mexico, Canada, Australia, Scotland, Ireland, England, Germany, Russia, China, Japan, South Africa, Kenya, India, Honduras, China, and travel in general.

Naturally, there’s also pop media ‘culture’: The Simpsons, ‘The Lion King,’ Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, Barbie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Phineas & Ferb, Sonic, the Penguins of Madagascar, Smurfs, He-Man, Star Trek, Star Wars, Fortnite, Zelda, Warcraft, Minecraft, Stranger Things, The Walking Dead, and overall fantasy/superhero nerd.

There’s no end to these. Make it stop.

But, novelty Christmas music is my mission, so i’ll allow runners up in the humor dept: The Christmas Pranksters, Brandon Rogers, and–omigod–Vihart.

Then there’s original folk melody from Peggy Seeger. Horizon broadening.

My fave-o, though, to end on a semi-positive note, is the Billy West voice impersonation from the Christmas Party with Eddie G album. Spread between various songs are these ‘outtakes’ from a Three Stooges “Twelve Days of Christmas” parody. Terrific stuff.

Christmas Countdown: 39

In-between these numbers is the thirty-nine and a half foot pole no one would touch the Grinch with. Many have tried to improve on this ‘standard,’ but let’s settle on the pretty Tyler, the Creator “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.”

If there’s an idea The Simpsons hasn’t made a joke about… wait’ll next season. So, apparently in season 22, Mr. Burns leads the Simpson family AS MUPPETS (and Mo, and Katy Perry) in “The 39 Days of Christmas [click the title for the entire bit],” featuring all the lovable 19th Century shenanigans the old codger celebrates (anarchists, fishwives, scriveners, and more).

[for just the song, click on the image]

Christmas Countdown: 55

The Crusty Jugglers warns us (again) about finding “Santa’s Boots” under your loving one’s bed when you return from truck driving Christmas Eve on 55 from St. Louis. All that overtime driving was to save up and buy you that ring, but–

Professional parodists Balderdash & Humbug complain about the early playing of Xmas music in “The 55 Days of Christmas.” Many of your least favorites (incl. novelties) are lambasted for your booing pleasure. [Warning: it’s a ’12 Days’ spoof.]

Christmas Countdown: 85

Isn’t 85 warm enough for equatorial Xmas? “Santa’s Going South for Christmas” sings Sammy Hagar with appropriate American rock about leaving the freeze and going to Mexico where the temp is mid-eighties.

Joey + Rory get more country rock with “Let It Snow (Somewhere Else).” Somewhere in the islands, it’s more’n warm.

A form of reggae rap livens Social Club Misfits’ “Christmas in Florida.” How you gon drive in the snow Wait …it’s Florida girl it’s 85 degrees.

Arthur Ray gets all slo-mo with his rapping “Christmas in Houston.” Whole lot more descriptive, too: Carolers on Texas Ave sangin’ “White Christmas” 85 degrees, hoes is sweet tea sipping G’s in they slabs got they 4-4s tippin’ Grippin’ wood grain with the candy paint drippin’. Uh, Blue-ish Alert.

The Dan Band notes no snow ’cause it’s 85 degrees (when it drops down to 70 people think they’re gonna freeze). “Christmas Time in California” is like that. Ironic boy band silliness.

Whew, let’s cool it down with ADHD (Animation Domination High Definition). Heather Anne Campbell’s Scientifically Accurate series takes on “Santa Claus” with a whole pile of numbers (speed of Santa, size of craters where he lands), but ends with 85%–the measure of countries WITHOUT child labor laws (who make the toys, not the elves). To the tune of ‘Coming to Town’ get ready to be offended, grossed out, and (perhaps) educated.

Christmas Countdown: 92

To kids from 1 to 92 is the demographic for Nat King Cole (and everyone else)’s ‘The Christmas Song.’ Not going to rerun that. AND most parodies don’t include the numbers…

The ’60s Invasion alludes to this range in their “Come On People (Have a Merry Christmas).” Only the finest in rock parodies for y’all.

But “Deez Nuts Resting” is a spoken word jumble from The Total Chaos Effect that’s both gutsy and nasty BLUE ALERT. The women he’s willing to lay is from 18 to 92.

Then there’s homespun For Iven’s proselytizing “Chestnuts Roasting Parody,” which does a more decent joke-pull on this subject.

Christmas Countdown: 116

More than a few wild and wacky songs slip through the cracks and don’t appear on my blog b/c i just can’t find a copy of ’em not no wheres.

But when the entire special musical “A Very Jimdog Christmas” is available through Bug TV+, i will not fail to point out Peeboop Jimdog’s ‘Silent Night.’ After his special is snowed out, a depressed chipmunk-sounding Jimdog wants Doordash to bring him a cheeseburger to room 116. That’s the whole song. You can find it just after the ten minute mark in the video. Or take my word for it. Or watch the whole special. I double dare you.

Christmas Countdown: 123

Sometimes the first three digits aren’t the beginning, just a configuration.

Kayla Perez re-roots us to the original material (Matthew 1:23) in the swaying “The Best Gift.” Rafters vibrated, if not raised.

It’s easy as 1-2-3 to observe Christmas for Apostle in the oompah-pop “More Than a Beauty.” Kicky. Catchy.

MxPx’s “Christmas Party” occurs at 123 Sycamore. Punk hi jinx. Weee!

KC Star (feat. Avery Bruce) overplay the pop syncopation to achieve a anxious look-out for Santa. Get comfy in my bed, hey, maybe count some sheep (1-2-3) instructs “A Christmas Carol?” Confused? So are the closeted artists.

‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ anchors “I’m Working Retail for Christmas.” We Are the Union enacts the rude shoppers (“1-2-3 pick it up pick it up”) as well as the sad stockers (I’ll gladly move if you just say “please”). Rollicking punk.

Christmas Countdown: 365.x

Love? Loss?

Ariana Grande changes the topic with sex, as she does, with “Not Just on Christmas.” Hidden in the pretty pop music she seethes: Wanna show you in so many ways Three hundred and sixty-five days I’ll give you all my presents, boy, I’m for you. That’s way beyond first base!

Liam Payne (with Dixie) works out the whole meet-cute on Christmas night in “Naughty List.” They spend the next three-six-five days around his place. Synthy pop, but still Hallmark Channel-esque.

Sick Logic wishes I could hide another 365 from the family when it’s “Christmas Time at the Strip Club.” Oddly industrial-techno for a garage grinder. Danceable fo sho’.

All Students go for the kink with a Pachelbel-inspired “MistleToes.” This hypnotically repetitive weirdness may not scream Xmas, just X. Yet attention must be paid.