Damn That Holiday: Satan.4

Melodicka Bros estimate filtering Mariah’s “All I Want for Christmas is You, Satan” with fierce metal makes it a better song. Well, almost.

Frank Barrow hits ‘White Christmas’ hard with “Satan’s Birthday.” This echoic carol is a Wiki entry on all the un-Christian aspects of Xmas. Amaze your friends with this info!

The Satanic Temple butchers “Hark! The Fallen Angels Sing!” but not musically. Apart from some dysphonia, the crux of deviltry is in the lyrics.

Absinthe Green vamps up “Satan Baby” (based on… you got it) promising murder and mayhem, rather than asking for much. Good minion.

Better, those same The Satanic Temple skiddy-bop-doo up ‘Gentlemen’ with a kickin’ cool jazz verzh called “Blessings of Knowledge and Fruit.” Workable propaganda for the deuce hisself.

X Files-mas: Cthuhlu

From a 1928 short story in Weird Tales, a mythos was born. The giant octopus-headed man/dragon was a world killer, god, personification of doom and suffering. Chicks dig that.

The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society kick things off with their adorable “Carol of the Old Ones.” Switch a few words around and Bob’s your uncle.

From the same group comes the more menacing “All I Want for Solstice is My Sanity.” Beware the involuntary giggles and gibberish.

More fun, is their “It’s the Most Horrible Time of the Year.” These songs are more about us than them, ’cause they are inconceivable, ya see.

Josephus get appropriately metal for “Cthulhu Christmas.” Game over, man.

Oh Come All Ye Old Ones” from the Dagon Tabernacle Choir is a runaway train.

Oh Cthulhu” sung by those same guys is the most fun we can have with the subject. Fitting parody.

One more! Suprise Flapjacks floor me with fast paced rock-pop “All I Want for Christmas is Cthulhu.” It’s catchy.

X Files-mas: Chupacabra

The goat sucker doesn’t get much attention around the holidays.

BLUE ALERT! Diablo Dan raps crap about Santa in “Mr. Santa.” This includes bragging about sexually destroying the Mrs. Tearing that shit up like imma motherfucking Chupacabra. So, good times or what?

John Walsh and Nick Kroll narrate “Chupacabra’s Feliz Navidad” as a personal message to this regional creature. But this Señor Wences bit is for a baby monster. And there’s anti-Semitism (ironically, but still).

Nudist Colony attempts to out lowbrow this mess with an actual parody of ‘Feliz’ in his “El Chupacabra.” If i had other offerings, i’d skip this one.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Crossed Cannons album

The Crossed Cannons seem like a coupl’a talented guys. Their guitar, tambourine, drum and knee slapping creates just the right rum-soaked venue for their old-timey carol parodies. “Red Sky at Night” makes violent light of ‘Silent Night.’ But “Eggnog in a Jar” is way old world folk. Not sure of it’s source. “Roll Santa’s Sleigh Along” is pure shanty. Fun for the whole family, with less pirate rage. “I’m Stuck in the Chimney” is sing-along cute. There’re a couple near-misses, but overall, A Pirate Christmas Story is a great addition to your pirate Christmas music collection. There is also a video of their show with amusing patter.

Yo Ho Ho Ho- Pirate Party The Band album BLUE ALERT

Demographics like standard deviations, but the reality is weirdos consume as well. So there’s gotta be a market for basement dwelling pals who grapple with talent to be funny. Probably they crack each other up with their naughtiness and iconoclasm, but Pirate Party the Band is just bloody awful. Their parody album Xmas Marks the Spot plays with traditional carols in a piratical way. Sexiness is of the porn kind, minimalist. Wit is of the sophomoric kind, swear words. Seems largely improvised. The only track i Might recommend–out of Dadaist sentimentality–would be “Ninja Fisherman’s Christmas Bash.” Rambling lyrics and story (I don’t have a fuckin’ idea what I’m singin’ about) about times of olde. ‘Slike i always say: too many drugs (or not enough).

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Ye Banished Privateers album

Swedish band Ye Banished Privateers have been dropping albums for a decade, but their Xmas offering A Pirate Stole My Christmas is only a couple years out. They had offered annual holiday/pirate stuff for years, and so finally compiled. This is straight up caroldies, or parodies of traditional carols. But their growlings are scary and their wit is sharp. Clumsy, but educational, is “Sulphur Ahoy,” a mashup of ‘Merry Gentlemen’ and ‘Pat-a-Pan.’ In it we fear the scurvy, as well as the antique treatment of sulphur fumes. Phew! Better is “O Cannonball” (‘O Tannenbaum’) about the high pitched fear of attacks from on far. And even more better “Drawn and Quartered” is ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’–but about an executed pirate. Best is “Ring the Bells,” an almost unrecognizable ‘Jingle Bells’ about all hope being lost. Groovy. We approve.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-The Bilge Pumps album

Whilst on the high seas, keep an eye out for the skull’n’cross bones. Will those scurvy dogs feel the Xmas spirit? Mayhap not as many as regular sailors, yet a month’ll do.

Some swashbucklers commit to the concept and whole albums are aborned from their need to ope the coffers and share and share alike. Unpirately! says i. Still, The Bilge Pumps have an unholy admixture of sophomoric parodies of carols and other family fun, cleaved with casual rapine and murder. Uhh… A Pirate’s Christmas Wish combines spoken skit and nearly good music to their own end. Ye have been warned.

I can recommend “Pirate Yells” (‘Silver Bells’) for imagination and actual YE-ARGHS; “Carol of the Beers“(‘Carol of the Bells’) for performer energy and steel drums; and “More Rum, Gloria” (‘Gloria in Excelsis Deo’) for less explicit sexual assault and charming harmony. But, this thing is nearly three dozen offerings!

Regardless, “Johnny the Steampunk Pirate” (‘Rudolph’) stands out for novelty and morning drive DJ sound effects. Laser eyes!

Yuletide: 227.21 in Roget’s

Other types of boats can get up to holiday hiking as well.

All Together Now use “Christmas in the Ark” as an excuse to teach us holiday togetherness (no actual masses for Christ in the times of Noah, y’see). Righteous pop.

What Ship is This?” is the Smash Tacklers butchering ‘Three ships’ to the tune of ‘Greensleeves.’ Answer: dunno.

MOR calypso from Alan Littlefield paints a white-people paradise in the form of “Christmas on a Yacht.” Service!

David Goody wants a rip off of ‘Die Hard.’ So he sings “Die Hard on a Boat.” To ‘Feliz Navidad’ he skewers the action movies of the ’80s he deems are mere shadows of the original. You know, the Christmas movie. [BTW, it’s ‘Under Siege’… or ‘Speed 2’.]

Christmas Countdown: the 12 days–worst

The horror that is ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ will not die, whether it’s listing phrases particular to pirates, rednecks, Black Santa, fast food, JC, his disciples, stressed students, COVID-19, sweaters, drugs, kid stuff, romance, weaponry, IT, psychoanalysis, homosexuality, sexual perversion, regrets, online revenue, and nihilism.

Then there’s the regional: the beach, the Delta, the Bayou, the Bahamas, Newfoundland, the Midwest, Vegas, NYC, Hawaii, Mexico, Canada, Australia, Scotland, Ireland, England, Germany, Russia, China, Japan, South Africa, Kenya, India, Honduras, China, and travel in general.

Naturally, there’s also pop media ‘culture’: The Simpsons, ‘The Lion King,’ Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, Barbie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Phineas & Ferb, Sonic, the Penguins of Madagascar, Smurfs, He-Man, Star Trek, Star Wars, Fortnite, Zelda, Warcraft, Minecraft, Stranger Things, The Walking Dead, and overall fantasy/superhero nerd.

There’s no end to these. Make it stop.

But, novelty Christmas music is my mission, so i’ll allow runners up in the humor dept: The Christmas Pranksters, Brandon Rogers, and–omigod–Vihart.

Then there’s original folk melody from Peggy Seeger. Horizon broadening.

My fave-o, though, to end on a semi-positive note, is the Billy West voice impersonation from the Christmas Party with Eddie G album. Spread between various songs are these ‘outtakes’ from a Three Stooges “Twelve Days of Christmas” parody. Terrific stuff.