Do You Have Hair Where I Don’t Have Hair?

Sugies get wootsie cutesy with the pop “If This isn’t Christmas.” It’s all pozzie, but i smell irony: And now even dogs are wearing Santa’s beard….

Jean Luc the Bald Headed Captain” is Rick Moyer’s STTNG obsession gone for a holiday. It’s clever in a impress-your-grandpa way.

The Christmas Jug Band follows, somewhat lamely, with “Rudolph the Bald Headed Reindeer.” It glows in a reflective way, y’see. Sigh.

Tore Open the Shutters and Threw Up the Spinach

Pulling on the beard is just one more thing that happens because of a “Bahumbug Baby” in Dave Tough’s indie-pop cautionary tale.

Grampa’s got one of those Santa beards in JJ Heller’s pop/folk “Christmastime.” Not sure what’s so traumatic, but she insists we’ll all be fine in a week or two.

The Heebee-jeebees may be confused when they seek someone to “Arrest This Bearded Gentleman.” (To the tune of ‘God Rest Ye’.) They don’t seem to understand who this guy is. But then, the theme to Gilligan’s Island rears up. What? Now i’m confused! Skip-per-r-r-r!

Royalty Free Lyrics “Manger Mad Libs”

Part and parcel of the parody fill-in is the word game from Price Sloan Stern, Mad Libs. Not as funny as their ‘Droodles,’ this chronic cultural time-waster has its place in the annals of comedy (for kids). So, all you gotta do is take a traditional carol (‘Away in a Manger’), elide some words leaving blanks in their place. Then identify the words as nouns, verbs, what-have-yous, and ask for random part-of-speech examples from the audience to fill in those blanks. The resulting mishegoss MIGHT be amusing. (for kids, it’s usually scatalogical.)(Without an audience, i went with elementary school articles about turtles.) (Oh, and for musicality, I sought out the correct number of syllables for each fill in.)

Manger Mad Libs

1 Away in a OCEAN, 
no BEACH for a NEST,
laid down His GREEN SHELL;
the SEAS in the CURRENTS, 
RAN down where He SWAM,
MOBILE on the BAY.

2 The SEABIRDS are CIRCLing, 
the Baby HATCHES,
but little ARCHIE CARR, 
no DIGGing He MATES.
look DEEP from the SCUTES
and BREED by my EGGS 
until DIVing is nigh.

3 Be near me, AQUARIST; 
I MIGRATE to stay
close by SAND forever, 
Bless all the dear CLUTCHES 
RETRACT with Thee there.

Okay, i didn’t play by the rules. Not random! Some of the lines ‘spoke’ to me, so i went with it. And, while i don’t insist this is NOT blasphemous, i do declare it is educational. Shouldn’t bother third graders.

Royalty Free Lyrics “‘Twas Elf Davey’s Crispness”

Misheard lyrics can be funny. Not that i’m big fan or anything. Just thought i’d play around a little and see if any of this comes across. Sing along, you know the tune!

‘Twas Elf Davey’s Crispness

Auntie's furred damselfish mush
Mike's troubled bravery
A cartridge in an arm'ry

Fond of secant above Cost Plus
Mitral valve-ectomy
To purple pugs
Up a part o' speech commentary

Prawns have thirst ambergris must
Metro league guarantee
Tea frequent
Too thirsty Dougs
With a part'san, name of Perry

Awning forced dazed of concuss
My rye loaf game theory
Football cusswords
Me benchpress
Few comes to shove
A plenipotent'ary

Yonder faith die off cripples
Mein Kampf of slavery
Fight goalies
For better (or) worse
Thee henchmen
True ladylove
Part pigeon--oh--apparently

Ganja synth day old crispness
Mistrust all Gemini
Sis, please, I'm lying
Fife fing'rings
Or kilohertz
Feed Karens
Why not, because
A particular skill set, see?

Gonna sever Chekhov's critics
O whereof knavery?
Severe cancer symptoms
Striptease Hawaiian
Free fall in verse
Green has-beens
Blue-purple buzz
With a smart midget canary

Oughta aid Dadaist muse
Milieu lunch gaucherie
Hate made me millions
Safe saucer swinging
Since niece is staying
Hand holdings
Forkful singers
Get Thee hence
Crude octopus
To a party at DoubleTree

Fondue night hit-and-miss nuts
Mildewed lucidity
Nitration (of) Benzene
Eyeshades in moleskin
Overran a swordsman
Styx feeds Malayan
Vile mold'rings
Formal liquors
Five & Tens
Woo fertile bugs
With a heart aching artery

Tanya tint dado crisscross
My new lobotomy
Tinhorns beekeeping
Niag'ra mansion
Abrade a villain
Sentence answers seemly
Sissies allying
Fine goph'ring
Forestall crosswords
God forfends
Chew myrtle dust
Flowcharts were switched with spaghetti

Donder elegant dairy doldrums
Me Too loves gaveling
All level piebald bipeds
Tense horses sleeping
Night makes me handsome
Lay lady lay, Bing
Self serving at summer
Sips cheese in layers
Eye hole kings
Former lingers
The'ter friends
Workbench hair plugs
Say not 'Parting's such sweet sorrow'

Con job elf day old crescents
Make do costumery
They'll've drumsticks drama
All even plywood pliant
Timeworn and legal
New Hades fam'ly
Amaze Amerind
Severance for seamen
Fix greased flambe'd beans
Ficus strings
Forceful angers
Really dense
Who overdoes
When you part fridge from your dairy

I’m not kidding, you have got to sing this word salad. To read it is to dismiss it–or go mad. This is parody of carol, what i call caroldy. (If you’re really not sure which carol, just go on to the next thing, really.) …oof, i tried.

Damn That Holiday: Satan.4

Melodicka Bros estimate filtering Mariah’s “All I Want for Christmas is You, Satan” with fierce metal makes it a better song. Well, almost.

Frank Barrow hits ‘White Christmas’ hard with “Satan’s Birthday.” This echoic carol is a Wiki entry on all the un-Christian aspects of Xmas. Amaze your friends with this info!

The Satanic Temple butchers “Hark! The Fallen Angels Sing!” but not musically. Apart from some dysphonia, the crux of deviltry is in the lyrics.

Absinthe Green vamps up “Satan Baby” (based on… you got it) promising murder and mayhem, rather than asking for much. Good minion.

Better, those same The Satanic Temple skiddy-bop-doo up ‘Gentlemen’ with a kickin’ cool jazz verzh called “Blessings of Knowledge and Fruit.” Workable propaganda for the deuce hisself.

X Files-mas: Cthuhlu

From a 1928 short story in Weird Tales, a mythos was born. The giant octopus-headed man/dragon was a world killer, god, personification of doom and suffering. Chicks dig that.

The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society kick things off with their adorable “Carol of the Old Ones.” Switch a few words around and Bob’s your uncle.

From the same group comes the more menacing “All I Want for Solstice is My Sanity.” Beware the involuntary giggles and gibberish.

More fun, is their “It’s the Most Horrible Time of the Year.” These songs are more about us than them, ’cause they are inconceivable, ya see.

Josephus get appropriately metal for “Cthulhu Christmas.” Game over, man.

Oh Come All Ye Old Ones” from the Dagon Tabernacle Choir is a runaway train.

Oh Cthulhu” sung by those same guys is the most fun we can have with the subject. Fitting parody.

One more! Suprise Flapjacks floor me with fast paced rock-pop “All I Want for Christmas is Cthulhu.” It’s catchy.

X Files-mas: Chupacabra

The goat sucker doesn’t get much attention around the holidays.

BLUE ALERT! Diablo Dan raps crap about Santa in “Mr. Santa.” This includes bragging about sexually destroying the Mrs. Tearing that shit up like imma motherfucking Chupacabra. So, good times or what?

John Walsh and Nick Kroll narrate “Chupacabra’s Feliz Navidad” as a personal message to this regional creature. But this Señor Wences bit is for a baby monster. And there’s anti-Semitism (ironically, but still).

Nudist Colony attempts to out lowbrow this mess with an actual parody of ‘Feliz’ in his “El Chupacabra.” If i had other offerings, i’d skip this one.

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Crossed Cannons album

The Crossed Cannons seem like a coupl’a talented guys. Their guitar, tambourine, drum and knee slapping creates just the right rum-soaked venue for their old-timey carol parodies. “Red Sky at Night” makes violent light of ‘Silent Night.’ But “Eggnog in a Jar” is way old world folk. Not sure of it’s source. “Roll Santa’s Sleigh Along” is pure shanty. Fun for the whole family, with less pirate rage. “I’m Stuck in the Chimney” is sing-along cute. There’re a couple near-misses, but overall, A Pirate Christmas Story is a great addition to your pirate Christmas music collection. There is also a video of their show with amusing patter.

Yo Ho Ho Ho- Pirate Party The Band album BLUE ALERT

Demographics like standard deviations, but the reality is weirdos consume as well. So there’s gotta be a market for basement dwelling pals who grapple with talent to be funny. Probably they crack each other up with their naughtiness and iconoclasm, but Pirate Party the Band is just bloody awful. Their parody album Xmas Marks the Spot plays with traditional carols in a piratical way. Sexiness is of the porn kind, minimalist. Wit is of the sophomoric kind, swear words. Seems largely improvised. The only track i Might recommend–out of Dadaist sentimentality–would be “Ninja Fisherman’s Christmas Bash.” Rambling lyrics and story (I don’t have a fuckin’ idea what I’m singin’ about) about times of olde. ‘Slike i always say: too many drugs (or not enough).

Yo Ho Ho Ho-Ye Banished Privateers album

Swedish band Ye Banished Privateers have been dropping albums for a decade, but their Xmas offering A Pirate Stole My Christmas is only a couple years out. They had offered annual holiday/pirate stuff for years, and so finally compiled. This is straight up caroldies, or parodies of traditional carols. But their growlings are scary and their wit is sharp. Clumsy, but educational, is “Sulphur Ahoy,” a mashup of ‘Merry Gentlemen’ and ‘Pat-a-Pan.’ In it we fear the scurvy, as well as the antique treatment of sulphur fumes. Phew! Better is “O Cannonball” (‘O Tannenbaum’) about the high pitched fear of attacks from on far. And even more better “Drawn and Quartered” is ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’–but about an executed pirate. Best is “Ring the Bells,” an almost unrecognizable ‘Jingle Bells’ about all hope being lost. Groovy. We approve.