Year-round Yuletide oddities
Sugies get wootsie cutesy with the pop “If This isn’t Christmas.” It’s all pozzie, but i smell irony: And now even dogs are wearing Santa’s beard….
“Jean Luc the Bald Headed Captain” is Rick Moyer’s STTNG obsession gone for a holiday. It’s clever in a impress-your-grandpa way.
The Christmas Jug Band follows, somewhat lamely, with “Rudolph the Bald Headed Reindeer.” It glows in a reflective way, y’see. Sigh.
Pulling on the beard is just one more thing that happens because of a “Bahumbug Baby” in Dave Tough’s indie-pop cautionary tale.
Grampa’s got one of those Santa beards in JJ Heller’s pop/folk “Christmastime.” Not sure what’s so traumatic, but she insists we’ll all be fine in a week or two.
The Heebee-jeebees may be confused when they seek someone to “Arrest This Bearded Gentleman.” (To the tune of ‘God Rest Ye’.) They don’t seem to understand who this guy is. But then, the theme to Gilligan’s Island rears up. What? Now i’m confused! Skip-per-r-r-r!
Part and parcel of the parody fill-in is the word game from Price Sloan Stern, Mad Libs. Not as funny as their ‘Droodles,’ this chronic cultural time-waster has its place in the annals of comedy (for kids). So, all you gotta do is take a traditional carol (‘Away in a Manger’), elide some words leaving blanks in their place. Then identify the words as nouns, verbs, what-have-yous, and ask for random part-of-speech examples from the audience to fill in those blanks. The resulting mishegoss MIGHT be amusing. (for kids, it’s usually scatalogical.)(Without an audience, i went with elementary school articles about turtles.) (Oh, and for musicality, I sought out the correct number of syllables for each fill in.)
Manger Mad Libs
1 Away in a OCEAN, no BEACH for a NEST, the COASTAL Lord HAWKSBILL, laid down His GREEN SHELL; the SEAS in the CURRENTS, RAN down where He SWAM, the ADULT MALE HAWKSBILL, MOBILE on the BAY. 2 The SEABIRDS are CIRCLing, the Baby HATCHES, but little ARCHIE CARR, no DIGGing He MATES. I LAY Thee, JACQUES COUSTEAU, look DEEP from the SCUTES and BREED by my EGGS until DIVing is nigh. 3 Be near me, AQUARIST; I MIGRATE to stay close by SAND forever, and EMERGE, I WEDGE. Bless all the dear CLUTCHES in Thy SNAPPING BEAKS, and PADDLE for DEEP SEA, RETRACT with Thee there.
Okay, i didn’t play by the rules. Not random! Some of the lines ‘spoke’ to me, so i went with it. And, while i don’t insist this is NOT blasphemous, i do declare it is educational. Shouldn’t bother third graders.
Misheard lyrics can be funny. Not that i’m big fan or anything. Just thought i’d play around a little and see if any of this comes across. Sing along, you know the tune!
‘Twas Elf Davey’s Crispness
Auntie's furred damselfish mush Mike's troubled bravery A cartridge in an arm'ry Fond of secant above Cost Plus Mitral valve-ectomy To purple pugs Up a part o' speech commentary Prawns have thirst ambergris must Metro league guarantee Tea frequent Too thirsty Dougs With a part'san, name of Perry Awning forced dazed of concuss My rye loaf game theory Football cusswords Me benchpress Few comes to shove A plenipotent'ary Yonder faith die off cripples Mein Kampf of slavery Fight goalies For better (or) worse Thee henchmen True ladylove Part pigeon--oh--apparently Ganja synth day old crispness Mistrust all Gemini Sis, please, I'm lying Fife fing'rings Or kilohertz Feed Karens Why not, because A particular skill set, see? Gonna sever Chekhov's critics O whereof knavery? Severe cancer symptoms Striptease Hawaiian Frijoles Free fall in verse Green has-beens Blue-purple buzz With a smart midget canary Oughta aid Dadaist muse Milieu lunch gaucherie Hate made me millions Safe saucer swinging Since niece is staying Hand holdings Forkful singers Get Thee hence Crude octopus To a party at DoubleTree Fondue night hit-and-miss nuts Mildewed lucidity Nitration (of) Benzene Eyeshades in moleskin Overran a swordsman Styx feeds Malayan Vile mold'rings Formal liquors Five & Tens Woo fertile bugs With a heart aching artery Tanya tint dado crisscross My new lobotomy Tinhorns beekeeping Niag'ra mansion Abrade a villain Sentence answers seemly Sissies allying Fine goph'ring Forestall crosswords God forfends Chew myrtle dust Flowcharts were switched with spaghetti Donder elegant dairy doldrums Me Too loves gaveling All level piebald bipeds Tense horses sleeping Night makes me handsome Lay lady lay, Bing Self serving at summer Sips cheese in layers Eye hole kings Former lingers The'ter friends Workbench hair plugs Say not 'Parting's such sweet sorrow' Con job elf day old crescents Make do costumery They'll've drumsticks drama All even plywood pliant Timeworn and legal New Hades fam'ly Amaze Amerind Severance for seamen Fix greased flambe'd beans Ficus strings Forceful angers Really dense Who overdoes When you part fridge from your dairy
I’m not kidding, you have got to sing this word salad. To read it is to dismiss it–or go mad. This is parody of carol, what i call caroldy. (If you’re really not sure which carol, just go on to the next thing, really.) …oof, i tried.
Melodicka Bros estimate filtering Mariah’s “All I Want for Christmas is You, Satan” with fierce metal makes it a better song. Well, almost.
Frank Barrow hits ‘White Christmas’ hard with “Satan’s Birthday.” This echoic carol is a Wiki entry on all the un-Christian aspects of Xmas. Amaze your friends with this info!
The Satanic Temple butchers “Hark! The Fallen Angels Sing!” but not musically. Apart from some dysphonia, the crux of deviltry is in the lyrics.
Absinthe Green vamps up “Satan Baby” (based on… you got it) promising murder and mayhem, rather than asking for much. Good minion.
Better, those same The Satanic Temple skiddy-bop-doo up ‘Gentlemen’ with a kickin’ cool jazz verzh called “Blessings of Knowledge and Fruit.” Workable propaganda for the deuce hisself.
From a 1928 short story in Weird Tales, a mythos was born. The giant octopus-headed man/dragon was a world killer, god, personification of doom and suffering. Chicks dig that.
The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society kick things off with their adorable “Carol of the Old Ones.” Switch a few words around and Bob’s your uncle.
From the same group comes the more menacing “All I Want for Solstice is My Sanity.” Beware the involuntary giggles and gibberish.
More fun, is their “It’s the Most Horrible Time of the Year.” These songs are more about us than them, ’cause they are inconceivable, ya see.
Josephus get appropriately metal for “Cthulhu Christmas.” Game over, man.
“Oh Come All Ye Old Ones” from the Dagon Tabernacle Choir is a runaway train.
“Oh Cthulhu” sung by those same guys is the most fun we can have with the subject. Fitting parody.
One more! Suprise Flapjacks floor me with fast paced rock-pop “All I Want for Christmas is Cthulhu.” It’s catchy.
The goat sucker doesn’t get much attention around the holidays.
BLUE ALERT! Diablo Dan raps crap about Santa in “Mr. Santa.” This includes bragging about sexually destroying the Mrs. Tearing that shit up like imma motherfucking Chupacabra. So, good times or what?
John Walsh and Nick Kroll narrate “Chupacabra’s Feliz Navidad” as a personal message to this regional creature. But this Señor Wences bit is for a baby monster. And there’s anti-Semitism (ironically, but still).
Nudist Colony attempts to out lowbrow this mess with an actual parody of ‘Feliz’ in his “El Chupacabra.” If i had other offerings, i’d skip this one.
The Crossed Cannons seem like a coupl’a talented guys. Their guitar, tambourine, drum and knee slapping creates just the right rum-soaked venue for their old-timey carol parodies. “Red Sky at Night” makes violent light of ‘Silent Night.’ But “Eggnog in a Jar” is way old world folk. Not sure of it’s source. “Roll Santa’s Sleigh Along” is pure shanty. Fun for the whole family, with less pirate rage. “I’m Stuck in the Chimney” is sing-along cute. There’re a couple near-misses, but overall, A Pirate Christmas Story is a great addition to your pirate Christmas music collection. There is also a video of their show with amusing patter.
Demographics like standard deviations, but the reality is weirdos consume as well. So there’s gotta be a market for basement dwelling pals who grapple with talent to be funny. Probably they crack each other up with their naughtiness and iconoclasm, but Pirate Party the Band is just bloody awful. Their parody album Xmas Marks the Spot plays with traditional carols in a piratical way. Sexiness is of the porn kind, minimalist. Wit is of the sophomoric kind, swear words. Seems largely improvised. The only track i Might recommend–out of Dadaist sentimentality–would be “Ninja Fisherman’s Christmas Bash.” Rambling lyrics and story (I don’t have a fuckin’ idea what I’m singin’ about) about times of olde. ‘Slike i always say: too many drugs (or not enough).
Swedish band Ye Banished Privateers have been dropping albums for a decade, but their Xmas offering A Pirate Stole My Christmas is only a couple years out. They had offered annual holiday/pirate stuff for years, and so finally compiled. This is straight up caroldies, or parodies of traditional carols. But their growlings are scary and their wit is sharp. Clumsy, but educational, is “Sulphur Ahoy,” a mashup of ‘Merry Gentlemen’ and ‘Pat-a-Pan.’ In it we fear the scurvy, as well as the antique treatment of sulphur fumes. Phew! Better is “O Cannonball” (‘O Tannenbaum’) about the high pitched fear of attacks from on far. And even more better “Drawn and Quartered” is ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’–but about an executed pirate. Best is “Ring the Bells,” an almost unrecognizable ‘Jingle Bells’ about all hope being lost. Groovy. We approve.
