Musicals need shorthand to describe an idea. Christmas cookies fill the bill as a little detail with a big tradition to unpack.
Henry Noodle is a small time musical franchise by Tim McCanna. He’s pursued musical theater through the Cosmic Calamities of his SciFi hero. One such adventure saw our hero teaching silly girl aliens in skimpy costumes about Christmas. “Christmas Cookies” takes a minute to start, but becomes crispy and crunchy in its own special echelon.
Tina deVaron spreads her own show stopping message (and jazz hands) with “When is a Cookie?” Trust me, it’s a holiday song. And it’s got close up mugging, sashaying, and the drama of a torn family. Oh, and a recipe.
Not that cookies are more kid-friendly than candy canes, but the pedantic Christmas chants for little brains add too much sugar and not enough spice. So here are our nominees for most over-enunciated, staccato syncopated, simply loud songs about cookies for Christmas.
Spelling the word cookies (with a mean Spanish guitar) Allie Jo Thomas folk-teaches the rug rats with “Christmas Cookies.” Short and sweet.
Kids like recipes and following rules, so mix that up with an Island beat as Maple Leaf Learning suggests “Let’s Make Cookies for Santa Claus.” Okay.
Slinging an agenda to the ankle-biters Cherry, the Resurrection Rabbit (unironically) sings “Christmas Cookies” in an undecipherable falsetto about cookies, Christ, and Easter. Huh?
More funny speech impediments from Patrick Roberage Productions, Inc. swinging the kids with the whiny complaints of crappy cookie making in “Christmas Cookie Jam.” Slap that grandma.
Playing the Goofy card Brent Holmes sings “The Christmoose Cookie Song” like a moose, though not a religious one. Moose are stupid and make kids laugh at them, in case you weren’t sure.
Silly hillbilly music makes kids kid like, i guess. Crime and dogs, banjos and harmonicas, John R Erickson romps and rollocks through “Christmas Cookies.” And if you learn about the history of American music in the mix, well fine.
Nothing like a military march to rouse the tots into cookie singing formations! This one seems like Plank Road Publishing (a hothouse of school assembly song production), but i don’t have a source. “Christmas Cookies” here features a fast and a slow side with a point counter point round for the finale. All i really hear are exhausted first grade teachers.
Perhaps a psychedelic sidebar? Todd McHatton uses cookies as a potent symbol for childish mythology. Yeah, that’s about right.
What kid songs can do is cough up a big production show tune like the renaissance of Disney musicals did back in the ’90s. Veggie Tales wants kids proselytized to Christianity with singing produce and a dash of wit, a dollop of talent, and I must say some delirium. “Oh Santa” features an anxious boy cucumber with a plate of Christmas cookies, three wisemen (asparagus burglar, pea viking with an odd trace of Hebrew, squash IRS auditor), cheap sets, samaritan examples, slapstick, and a bellicose tomato Santa. Take a peek:
The sticky crumbs here… angry, mean songs about fruitcake with some redeeming graces.
Some old schoolhouse rock ripoff about fruitcake rounded the web a while back and at least one troller posted half of this nice calypso number (without any laffs in it) as “The Fruit Cake Song.” It had possibility….
Another “Fruitcake Song” of uncertain origin backs prepubescent pajama wearing ballerina-wannabes in some outdoor park festival. It kinds pops, what you can hear of it.
The Wissman Family and The Von Trapp Children (grandkids of the original Austrian Kurt) kid around with “Please Don’t Send Me Fruitcake.” Oldsters sneer at the sentiment but approve of the youthful exuberance. Adorable!
Local holiday revue with neighbor talent only embellishes “Holiday Lament (Nobody Likes a Fruitcake)” from That Time of Year. This time it’s from the point of view of the maligned mealy loaf, at least that side of the table. Great harmonies, girls!
Mistletoe is the great euphemism for wee ones trying to wrap their heads around adults nagging and snogging and not keeping an eye on the skies for Santa at night.
Not all cartoon specials feature that winsome weed, but we’ll tune in on a bit of ‘A Garfield Christmas’ and lend an ear to old folks explaining love with “Mistletoe and Laughter.” Not much of a song.
More modernly, but not actually featured on a Saturday morning TV screen, Veronica Taylor and Rachel Lillis ship Ash and Misty from the ‘Pokemon’ series for “Under the Mistletoe.” It’s an animated song! (With crashing sfx.)
Not to be missed is the disturbing burlesque routine by Janet Waldo (not the usual Julie Bennett) as Cindy Bear explaining the bears and the bees to Boo Boo in ‘Yogi’s First Christmas.’ “The Mistletoe Song” wonders how far Cindy will go and if she’ll die from kissing Yogi. He’s smarter than average, you know.
Time to simplify: cash me up and i’ll shop for my own damn self.
Fred Figglehorn tries to squeeze pop music out of his helium hokum-ry. “Christmas Cash” is just as annoying as it wants to be.
College Humor tries for yucks with (WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) “All I Want for Christmas is Cash.” Some nice sentiments expressed (“Fuck Season 2 of ‘Smash’!“)
Pearl Bailey says it right (said it before on this blog, but it bears repeating: “A Five Pound Box of Money” is all Santa needs to bring.
Riddim gets reggae on top of ‘Deck the Halls’ with “Money for Christmas.” It’s not greedy so much as groovy.
Bah & The Humbugs draw the line for their “Christmas List.” Even the 1% want a little green Christmas.
So i gots a case of the sillies and i might as well include Seth McFarlane and company with their Family Guy tribute “Christmas List,” which is mean and joyous and all those gee-dee things the kids find so funny these days.
[If you want an upbeat happyhappyhappy version of this tune, be careful what you wish for— then dial up the My Little Pony version “All I Really Want for Christmas.” All they want is happiness. In their own quirky girly ways.
While in a juvenile mood, let’s jump ahead. The best lists for kiddies are developed along a live-and-learn progression. Hearken to Heywood Banks (he of ‘Diddley Squat’ fame) and his ongoing letters of correction to Mr. The Twenty-fifth. “Dearest Mr. Santa Claus” starts out chock full of self interest and id, but give it a chance: …isn’t that sweet?
Regardless of deification/defication, Santa does what no one else can. He’s super (thanks for asking).
Rod Stewart makes that case with his “Red Suited Superman.” It’s jazzy and middle of the road and oldsters everywhere will love the song.
Slightly more impressed with their own guitaring, The Fleshtones mention “Super Rock Santa” as just another way to name ol’ Kris.
Noodlin’ the poodle, Stephen Colbert reveals Santa’s secret identity with “Jingle Man and Christmas Boy” as they fight crime around the tai-state area. Funny, but don’t tell.
A real serial adventure of super Santa is a cappella brought to you by The Bobs (keep in mind all their accompaniment is vocalized). “Yuleman Vs. the Anti-Claus” is something i wish i’d written. It’s a bit musical theater-ish and brash, but ends on a cliffhanger… (tune in next year)!
We’ve already learned from Seth McFarland’s “Christmas Time is Killing Us” (back in 4/9/2016) that there’s too much to do for the elves. But in that version Santa is the elves’ shop steward and suffers their fate as well.
In Matt Groening’s competition, Futurama, the elves are now Neptunians who have it really tough even with new masters. “The Christmas Elves Song” is an appropriate round of everlasting refrain, but pepped up with merciless inspiration–i guess those menials deserve their lot in life. Think Sinclair’s The Jungle.
It’s all about work ethic for these elves at Christmas!
Songs for Children lays it on thick (‘No time for shirking!’ ‘When you work and sing it’s not a chore!’) in “Santa’s Workshop Song.” Build low, sweet chariots, Santa’s for to carry them to homes….
‘We work all day. To us it’s play.’ So goes Elf Magic’s rocking guitar riffing tantalizing repeated refrain in their “Getting Things Ready for Christmas.” Even the rap battle interlude overlaps WORK! PLAY! until you can’t tell the difference. (Check out the quality control elf—brrr.)
Documenting the chores like it’s a hella labor, The Elf Cottage Elves warn us what it’s really like “At Santa’s Workshop.” But somehow ‘so much to do’ becomes ‘so much fun.’ Freedom is slavery; ignorance is strength.
The Ghost Script singing “We are Elves” also reminds me of 1984 with the dehumanized looks and electronic marching music. Some aphorisms got by me, but i think there’s something about sleep being for the weak. Damn.
1985’s Santa Claus, The Movie flopped partly because some fantasies shouldn’t have big budgets and special effects. The elves scene “Making Toys” is annoyingly frightening, and doesn’t mesh with Henry Mancini’s song. Quite upliftingly symphonic, though.
