Month: February 2024

When pushed, i ‘ll describe myself as spiritual. But church cured me of religion. Each little old lady (or man) is their own Jehovah, looking you up and judging you down. And the kids band into exclusive cliques that don’t want no part of you. So i can get a little sacrosanct with your bitter little host.

A Christmas Miracle?

A baby was born without a father or room...
Is that a miracle? A Christmas miracle?
Then what about newborns surviving Dumpster tombs?
Is each a Jesus Christ? At even half the price?

[chorus]
I wanna believe what i can't even see,
So touch now my eyes with Your epiphanies;
Know me and show me my Galilee
And i will kneel down in Your archdiocese. 

I pushed all the buttons in the elevator...
Is that a miracle? A Christmas miracle?
I dined well and dashed pell mell past the headwaiter...
It was no loaves and fish! Nor from some divine wish!

[chorus]
It smells six-six-six to believe tricks;
I'll see your Scrooge turned and raise you (a) Fezziwig;
See through spirits... but Watson & Crick...
Isn't your cross just another megalith?

I fell in and was loved by the perfect woman...
Was that a miracle? A holy miracle?
I never was worthy but rose to the romance...
Is love the true zenith? Why we strive for the myth?

[chorus]
Life is a jumble, but i'll give it a tumble:
'Good is God and bad is us'--don't be a dumbbell!
I rejoice what I got--no mumbles--
But drop the black and white--what would Jesus fumble?

This feels like the refrain is the verse, and vice verses… but I do like some of the wordplay and provocation. Some of it is still too obtuse though. I may have to revisit this. Lively folk pop? Or just garage punk?

You pen enough of these songs, you gotta get personal and pull from your past. Write what you know or whatever. So, just a peek behind the curtains…

Eve or X: What Time is Christmas?

Christmas is that time of YEAR, 
It's part of the hol'day SEASON.
I guess it's on TWELVE TWENTY-FIVE,
But let's pinpoint the right MOMENT.

[chorus]
'Cuz... We went to my Dad's family on (the) Eve:
Stuffed shirts; exotic, funny smells.
We went to my Mom's folks' on Xmas Day:
So many kids and mean uncles.
...but when was Christmas?

I know the kids get impatient,
They cannot wait for Santa Claus.
So maybe offer one present,
To calm them down to sleep for hours.

But those old in-laws need it all:
They want the pack for that day off,
So it's the Eve that's warm and small
The next day is for the blowout. 

[chorus]

But here's the thing with chim-a-neys:
They open once for that birthDAY,
So when dawn turns to day from eve 
You'll no longer anticipate.

Let's herd the herd into the car
AFTER they've savaged all Kringle's.
We'll stretch the holiday so far
Not just a single jingle mingle.

[chorus]
So...  Go to your Dad's family on (the) Eve,
Or business friends who wish you well,
And then to your Mom's folks' on Xmas Day.
Or neighbors blasting decibels
...and all'll be Christmas.

Not sure here. I did want to feature the dilemma of when to open gifts: the night before or the morning of? But i got hung up on my family. Setting this to a folk music screed is a possibility.

Piggybacking off that last song, i took the peeking at Santa trope and folded in my pet theories about time-traveling/space-bending ’round the world dimension tripping. THAT’s how he does it, you know.

I Saw Santa (And I’ll Never be the Same)

It started when Garth told me no--There ain't no Santa Claus.
So I said that's brag'docio-- Just hold now your applause.
I'll get the proof tonight, you dog--And bet you all my dough.
T'show y'all from my cold Yule log... Autograph or photo?

[chorus]
Santa Claus, Kris Kringle
I'll show 'em all
Per Noel, Old Fellow
Now heed my call

I'd lain in wait for most the night--And not one mouse stirring.
But then... the most amazing sight! Though my eyes were blurring.
A thrilling sound as if sonic--The temp'rature went white.
Totally not being ironic--But not sure what to write.

[chorus]
Santa Claus, Kris Kringle
I'll show 'em all
Per Noel, Old Fellow
I'm in your thrall

Straight on he's everywhere at once--sideways a vast rainbow.
My mind can't conceive this affront--Not to senses or brow.
It must be how he does't all now--I guess I've been a fool
To trap him trideimensionally... I see string theory loops....

[chorus]
Santa Claus, Kris Kringle
I'll show 'em all
Per Noel, Old Fellow
I feel so small

Kudos if you picked up on the Firesign Theater allusion. The forced meter, i think, helps the synesthesia. Prog rock, perhaps? (Been listening to Alan Parsons Project, haven’t it?)

This idea has been bouncing around in my head for a while. It’s like a little story. But, i could never tell if it’s too subtextual or too obvi.

Black Mirror Christmas

I'm gonna peek at Santa Claus, I am
I even stayed up all night--1 A.M.!
I hid myself behind the daveno
Until I heard a sound I didn't know...

[chorus]
Christmases they come and go,
But I remember this one so,
Sure as shootin', Honest Joe,
Or was it such a long ago?

I heard this humming, and some mumbling too
So I looked out this longish black window
And saw this old, sad man look right at me;
I had to wave and he waved just like me.

[chorus]

Then there's this thump from up the stairs
And voices made me so confused and scared:
"Grampa has left his room!" "Go find him now!"
"I see him waving at his reflection"

[chorus]

Not exactly a streaming show reference, then. More literal. Should i pull back on the hints, though?

I don’t see a lot of rhymes for ‘bike,’ but it see i as a pinnacle gift for kids from the ’50s, ’60s, and whatnot. I certainly had a bike and treasured it, except when i was showing off ‘crashing’ it for fun. But, one thing always bothered me about this request… [see punchline of the song].

Why’d I Ask for a Bike?

I heard in a song, a song that I like
When Christmas Time comes, ask for a bike.
I'm not very old, golly, just a tike,
So I set up my parents for a sly filial psyche.

[chorus]
A Stingray with sissy bars and banana seat
(Or) a Schwinn--purple gloss!--would be pretty neat!
No Hot Wheel for me, that's so obsolete.
I want independence to strut down the street!

So I left the Sears catalog open to the page
Where auto assembly parts were all the rage.
I laid around snacking, excercising presaged,
Demanding A Skateboard this punk would assuage.

[chorus]

I tell you what--it worked, like, of course
That morning that package--as big as a horse!
I took that bike out so we could explore,
But fell five times in the ice and the snow!

[chorus]

Yeah, i do live an a moderate climate and we rarely have white Christmases. But is a bicycle ideal cold-weather fun? It’s like asking for bathing trunks for the holidays. But i see this as kidsong (the fancy vocabulary makes that funnier), although you could default to bluegrass. [Yeah, i know i whiffed the last line of rhyme, but that dissonance–to me–makes it more dramatic. So there.]

The contrast of the secular and carnal against the spiritual mysticism of the High Holy Days can be a hoot. Naughtiness and nastiness in the age of the internet, however, is hardly a glimpse of stocking. So let’s hearken back to the glory days of porn with some antique misogynistic observations. Okay, boomer?

ChristmaSutra

(spoken under the singing)
And the signs of a woman manifesting her Christmas Spirit are these:
She sings loud for all to hear
She decorates behind the tree
She sometimes bends low to inspect the price tag, and does not manifest any surprise

Suvarnanabha, The Embrace of Greed:
When on the occasion of making lists
One presses upon the other a need,
It will be determined what's hers or his.

Babhravya, The Wrapping of Gifts for All:
When (a) woman in a lonely place bends down
And pierces, as it were, a paper roll,
The man, in turn, will choose the right ribbon.

(spoken under the singing)
Now the means of increasing holiday joy are as follows:
A man obtains joy partaking of the Tom and Jerry
The sauce of the honey-baked ham
According to ancient authors, if a man spends time with Swiss Colony Beef Logs, he will be filled with holiday joy

Kshiraniraka, Cream and Rum Eggnog:
When man and woman--very much in love--
Would like to get away from bills, kids, dogs,
They climb onto some drinks and laugh thereof.

Tila-Tandulaka, Combining Voices:
When carolers do stand upon a porch
And raise their harmony most boisterous,
Their union will become seamless henceforth.

(spoken under the singing)
The ways of enlarging the budget (lingam) must now be related:
When a man wishes to enlarge his budget, he should hire on to certain gigs 
And after running them for ten nights, he should run them more
The enlargement of the budget is also effected by returning or regifting
Inferior items from previous years

Vrikshadhirudaka, Choosing a Tree:
When a woman, having put her foot down,
Insists on height, but not one more rupee,
A man must pull Noble out of the ground.

Jataveshtitaka, Housing In-laws:
When a woman, clinging to her Father,
Bends his ear with What a family was--
It's time to learn with whom she would rather.

Okay, let’s cut that out–that’s too close to cultural appropriation. Did some reading from The Gutenberg Project of the original, and also trotted out a coffee table sex book i bought in the ‘Eighties… but, really whitewashed that. To really put this over the top, then: some sitar, like the Beatles did in their wane.

The little woman spends a lot of time with the HGTV and Magnolia channels on. Now, she’s a chef, but it’s the real estate and remodeling that turns her crank. So i have a little familiarity with (others’) home projects. This naturally led me to wonder about fireplaces (a particular icon for her) and those who slide down ’em.

That Chimney’s a Gut Job

Santa looked around
And said that's not structurally sound;
This chimney will never do,
Gotta take it down to the ground.

So we hired interior designers,
Said we wanted something finer...
They took some measurements
And asked for a cosigner.

[refrain]
I guess we'll DIY the chimney ourselves;
It's not like we're made of elves--
First we'll demo the brick
And we better make it quick
'Cept we might wanna add some shelves.

We got ideas from On Demand:
Shiplap from Chip and Joanna,
'Tahl' from Ben and Erin--
Or Bachelder from Brett Waterman.

When we had busted our budget,
Santa said This is still tragic,
No way I'm comin' down here...
Guess I'll just use my magic!

[refrain]
So I guess we DIYed the chimney ourselves
And, no, we weren't made of elves.
We had to dismantle
Then rebuild the mantle
And, yes, we did add those shelves.

I’m disappointed i didn’t get to sling about more catch phrases like midcentury modern, farmhouse feel, open concept, and–the worst of all–beachy vibes. Still kinda like this one. Seems like country and western to me. Bitchy, but ever so slightly witty.

I always the enjoyed the concept of Incarnation for Christmas, that Jesus was truly God born into the flesh of man. Since the upshot of his living and dying as one of us was a grand pardon from Original Sin, seems like this fact-finding field mission was all about what it was like to walk the Earth. Not that human He had omnipresence or superpowers or stuff; i figure our DNA doesn’t support that. Did He feel trapped? Did He enjoy the food? What was it like for God to be created (born)?

Nativity Pee Oh Vee

Glory glory Me... wait--
Glory glory be... great--
I can't see to get outta this place
So dark and crowded in this womb
Beating unbroken hymen with my face
Want my godhead t'get some breathin' room
   ...and see what it's like to be human
   ...and see what I like, uh... whew, man!

Sorry sorry please... there--
Worry worry cease... Air!
(But) this divine afterbirth'll cause a scar
Gotta expel its glow into space
Somebody will take it for a star
Yeah, that'll seem most commonplace
   ...they don't notice much, these humans
   ...I thank thee for the ride, hooo! ma'am

Flurry flurry here... oooh
Scurry scurry weird... doo!
These creatures smell but seem proud of it
Are they waitin' on me as a prophet?
This whole world feels both broke and dirty
And I can't make these mouth parts work yet!
   ...what's it take to feel human?
   ...it's not just the filth, is it--whoa, men!

Blurry blurry--what... yelp!
Hurry hurry--need... help!
I'm losing my Omnipotence here
Becoming mortal makes me forget
I'll learn and live what makes them fear
Hey, why is her robe coming open?
   ...this connection to be human...
   ...is yummy yummy... hi, Mom!

Blasphemy? If it’s ridicule, i suppose. But this is meant to be an horizon-broadener. Discuss.

I take and I take (songs from the internet) (and i poop all over them). So it’s time to give back (a little). For this month i will be featuring songs by mine own hand. And you can have at ’em. Or just have ’em. I hereby give blanket permission to use them however you like, with the sole caveat: let me know (so I can go after your song on the blog here).

Now BE AWARE that I have ZERO musical talent. But i throw down a mean sonnet. And i own a rhyming dictionary. And i’m awfully familiar with Xmas songs. So, we’ll see. (Please do respond with crits.)

BACKSTORY to “Tell Me About Christmas”: i’m a big hater of all those Christmas songs that merely laundry list the clichés of the holidays. Give me a story! or at least a hook! something different! But, in honor of that laziness, i dug into my sheaves o’ memorable phrases and stitched together some rhymes. I guess i picture this as a rap, since all i really GET from rap is the rhyme. No narrative flow mostly, just some bangin’ metrical observations–in RHYME!

Tell Me About Christmas

Three Wise Men
Three French Hens
The Dickens
Frankincense

John McClain
Old toy trains
Savior reigns
Windowpanes

Santa's big scene
In Hollis, Queens
With Ovaltine
A laugh it woulda been

More mince pies
My wandering eyes
A throne of lies
Shepherds arise

Lord of Lords
Jingle horse
At the stores
Major award!

Mistletoe
Let it snow
Hot cocoa
Do they know
Eyes all aglow
Fists with your toes
Excelsis Deo

Black Friday
The Eskimo Way
His birthday
Yippee ki yay
All the way
Miniature sleigh
Make Yuletide gay

Bless us
Jesus
Christmas
Chestnuts
Krampus

Fa Who Doraze
What Child is this?
Winter solstice
My Christmas list

Sprang from my bed
No room for his head
Marley was dead
Looked like a pedd-ler

Sugar plums
Buttered rum
Fum fum fum
A rum pum pum pum

Gold and myrrh
Dressed all in fur
Four calling birds
Marshmallow world

Jack Frost
Santa Claus
Cranberry sauce
Poinsettias

Glory to
A chorus or two
Riu Chiu
Play for you
Calling Yoo hoo!
Away they all flew
I oughta slug you!

Charity
Joy and glee
Frah-jill-lee
God rest ye
In a pear tree
Nativity
Down in history

Pajamas
Fidelis
Nicholas
Festivus
Hippopotamus

No, i don’t really get a ‘Didn’t Start the Fire’ thing from it.