The contrast of the secular and carnal against the spiritual mysticism of the High Holy Days can be a hoot. Naughtiness and nastiness in the age of the internet, however, is hardly a glimpse of stocking. So let’s hearken back to the glory days of porn with some antique misogynistic observations. Okay, boomer?
ChristmaSutra
(spoken under the singing) And the signs of a woman manifesting her Christmas Spirit are these: She sings loud for all to hear She decorates behind the tree She sometimes bends low to inspect the price tag, and does not manifest any surprise Suvarnanabha, The Embrace of Greed: When on the occasion of making lists One presses upon the other a need, It will be determined what's hers or his. Babhravya, The Wrapping of Gifts for All: When (a) woman in a lonely place bends down And pierces, as it were, a paper roll, The man, in turn, will choose the right ribbon. (spoken under the singing) Now the means of increasing holiday joy are as follows: A man obtains joy partaking of the Tom and Jerry The sauce of the honey-baked ham According to ancient authors, if a man spends time with Swiss Colony Beef Logs, he will be filled with holiday joy Kshiraniraka, Cream and Rum Eggnog: When man and woman--very much in love-- Would like to get away from bills, kids, dogs, They climb onto some drinks and laugh thereof. Tila-Tandulaka, Combining Voices: When carolers do stand upon a porch And raise their harmony most boisterous, Their union will become seamless henceforth. (spoken under the singing) The ways of enlarging the budget (lingam) must now be related: When a man wishes to enlarge his budget, he should hire on to certain gigs And after running them for ten nights, he should run them more The enlargement of the budget is also effected by returning or regifting Inferior items from previous years Vrikshadhirudaka, Choosing a Tree: When a woman, having put her foot down, Insists on height, but not one more rupee, A man must pull Noble out of the ground. Jataveshtitaka, Housing In-laws: When a woman, clinging to her Father, Bends his ear with What a family was-- It's time to learn with whom she would rather.
Okay, let’s cut that out–that’s too close to cultural appropriation. Did some reading from The Gutenberg Project of the original, and also trotted out a coffee table sex book i bought in the ‘Eighties… but, really whitewashed that. To really put this over the top, then: some sitar, like the Beatles did in their wane.