Royalty Free Lyrics “That Chimney’s a Gut Job”

The little woman spends a lot of time with the HGTV and Magnolia channels on. Now, she’s a chef, but it’s the real estate and remodeling that turns her crank. So i have a little familiarity with (others’) home projects. This naturally led me to wonder about fireplaces (a particular icon for her) and those who slide down ’em.

That Chimney’s a Gut Job

Santa looked around
And said that's not structurally sound;
This chimney will never do,
Gotta take it down to the ground.

So we hired interior designers,
Said we wanted something finer...
They took some measurements
And asked for a cosigner.

I guess we'll DIY the chimney ourselves;
It's not like we're made of elves--
First we'll demo the brick
And we better make it quick
'Cept we might wanna add some shelves.

We got ideas from On Demand:
Shiplap from Chip and Joanna,
'Tahl' from Ben and Erin--
Or Bachelder from Brett Waterman.

When we had busted our budget,
Santa said This is still tragic,
No way I'm comin' down here...
Guess I'll just use my magic!

So I guess we DIYed the chimney ourselves
And, no, we weren't made of elves.
We had to dismantle
Then rebuild the mantle
And, yes, we did add those shelves.

I’m disappointed i didn’t get to sling about more catch phrases like midcentury modern, farmhouse feel, open concept, and–the worst of all–beachy vibes. Still kinda like this one. Seems like country and western to me. Bitchy, but ever so slightly witty.