MANDR01D gives us the techno electronica we’ve been missing. “All I Want for Christmas is a Burnt Out Car” ladles punk into a Tangerine Dream backbeat and a few electric dance riffs. Fun Terminator backdrop here.
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Now that we’ve been lectured on safe driving methods for the end of Dec. let’s deal with the worst case scenario.
Except some people think of auto wipeouts as having a silver lining. Take Larry the Cable Guy. Please. His “I Wish My Mother-in-Law’d Get Hit by a Car” is fine parody, but as it appears at the end of his Very Larry Christmas album in which he includes his obnoxious sign off. That’s a tragic accident.
You can look up all the vehicular parodies on ‘Grandma Got run Over’ yourself. They involve rednecks, a John Deere, a beer truck, a fork lift, and a Grand Marquis. Merry luck to you.
That’s enough of the horror of road wrecks, except The Rosenkranz seem to relish the idea of a nice “Car Crash for Xmas.” (This is presented as a cheerier alternative to the drudgery of life, family, and friends.) Their dreamy alt rock is very persuasive and i almost might want me one too.
You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: over the limit-4
Okay, here’s something funny. Take ‘Feliz Navidad,’ a fine multicultural carol, and mix it up with drunken mayhem and you get… pretty much the same parody from different laughy lyricists.
Cheech and Chong have a take called “Police Got My Car” which seems funny when Tommy tries to reason with the fuming Sr. Marin. But, without musical backing, this otherwise pachuco parody goes up in drink.
Lizzy8784 tries not to laugh with her man singing racist fun in their own “Police Took My Car.” Well, now we have bongos.
From the other border, Snook ‘sings’ “Police Got My Car.” More funny accents, more complaints about not having wheels. Nice screechy strings.
The best Jose Feliciano comes from Bob Rivers. “Police Stop My Car” has made me laugh for many years now. Inappropriate, i suppose, but at least the cops aren’t called dicks this time.
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Much as i can picture elves getting tanked, or Frosty getting toasted, the number of drunk driving songs with Santa’s adjuncts are few.
Bill Engvall gets his own category, then, with his silly talking “Rudolph Got a DUI.”
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If you’re worried about drunk driving over the holidays, naturally you’re going to worry about Mr. Gifts himself.
Gallagher’s Twin funs up ‘J. Bells’ with “Santa’s DUI: (A Cautionary Xmas Tale).” Blatting tubas is always a surefire comic addition to everyone’s comedy song (in case you didn’t know). Popsicle stick puppets here. Lots of outro bits.
Alcoholics Anonymous celebrates “Santa Claus DWI” loudly, as a garage band should. Quite the bender set to music.
Country for kids may be the best descriptor for Neptune’s Buffalo. Their “Santa Got a DUI” is a bouncy tonic to a hangover: frothy fun (maybe not subject suitable).
The big hit for Kringle in custody is Sherwin Litton’s “Santa Got a DWI.” This country rocker downplays the criminality for a rollicking second hand con story with killer rockabilly saxophone that treads into doo wop. Everybody now!
You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: over the limit-1
After leaving the truck stop, pat yourself down to make sure you didn’t leave anything–say like your sobriety.
Drunk Christmas will be covered later. Drunk driving for Christmas is an even more serious subject. So let’s sing about it.
Garage rocking band Boozer settles comfortably into “All I Got for Christmas was a DUI.” Bourgeois blubbering regret. What they got against Elvis?
Spoken word poet Shawn Mafia gets mad at Santa while busting a crime in his “All I Got for Xmas was a DUI.” Mad verbal skills, but what’s he sound like sloshed?
J.D. Rogers tells quite a “DUI for Christmas” story to the tune of Keen’s ‘Merry Christmas from the Family.’ With the continually puking and cop cam roadside testing i guess this is supposed to be some kind of joke. Kinda liked the song.
I am contractually obligated to mention Bob Rivers whenever i can. “Carol of the Bartenders” is a clever bit of PSA. Perhaps too flip.
Jakson Lee goes deadly serious with his little ditty for a school project. The first minute and a half are a fine folk number, then he includes a slide show for–i think–his little sister with a reminder how to get fun things for children. Wha-huh? “Christmas is Dead (Don’t Drive Drunk).”
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Let’s pull over for a bit.
Muzyka plays a sad lonely song in a sad lonely venue. “Truck Stop Christmas” smacks of a folk ballad, like that guy what got stuck on the IRT. Mostly it’s slow and overstuffed.
Much more appropriately, An East Nashville Christmas album presents a panoply of earnest country songs. In the spirit of charity for the homeless, artists tend not to get credit. So hold your applause for “A Truck Stop Christmas.” It’s more sad Dad can’t be home, but the slide guitar makes it come alive in grief.
If you want to see a picture painted of the colorful working class stuck in a greasy spoon for that special day, please tune in to Marc Allen Bennett’s “One More Truck Stop Christmas.” It’s caffeinated, greasy, with a side of boot scootin’ ‘tude.
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Dang, that felt good! Celebrating the men (and women) who deliver–especially around the holidays! Let’s do some more! Roll on!
Lowell Shyette makes “Christmas Truckin’ Time” sound like a down home curse word. His modern country singing features a real thick drawl, and his guitar pickin’ feels like fast traffic. Some fun orchestration here.
Two steppin’ time with David Sexton, feeling all giddy ’cause he’s Haulin’ Mistletoe.” This barn burner should get your bootheels scootin’. Pucker up, sweetie.
Just as mirthfully, comes Red Simpson (again) “Truckin’ Trees for Christmas.” It’s a simple, but magical melody,,, fun for the whole family.
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Well, truckers do have a sense of being on-road Santas. Only they’re better at it.
Yankee Lee Arnold has fun with the CB lingo craze when yet another trucker helps another broke down Santa in “A Trucker’s Christmas.” Despite the sense of childlike wonder and girl chorusong it smells of exploitation. Doesn’t flick my Bic.
William Weaver, professional driver amateur songman, strums earnestly through his story of “How the Truck Drivers Saved the Christmas Holiday.” Bear up through his first minute of flailing around and you might enjoy this unplugged cowboy poet pluggin’ away.
I guess it’s that sense of superiority that gives us all these songs. Truckers have to be cooler, cannier, tenaciouser than that one-night-a-year deliverer. He could use their help. Trucker Steve whitelines more roadster rock with “The Day Truckers Saved Christmas” complete with over-enthusiastic ho-ing by a band member. Caution: Santa sustains grievous harm during the telling of this tale.
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Besides Santa, what is this magical relationship truckers have with Xmas? If it’s family, it’s a tragic misplacement of values!
David Currey tries to modulate his country tune into a proper carol “A Trucker’s Christmas” with all sorts of piano noodling and singing range. But him missing kids pales next to when he vows to ‘pop the clutch and gear that sucker down.’
More country/folk with a percussive blast of Allman brothers, Maxx Mann swears sorrow for his “Trucker’s Christmas.” But his blues are balls out upbeat.
Pretty as a pop tune, country singer Johnny Dan’s sort-of country song “A Truck Driver’s Christmas” is a slow dance pout about not being home. One two three, one two three.
Of course Red Simpson jerks tears the best with his “Blue Blue Christmas (For This Truck Drivin’ Man).” Are truckers so irresponsible that they can’t keep a calendar on the dashboard? Quit whining and put the pedal to the metal!
Granpa Robert Spurgeon delivers the standard ‘Jingle Bells’ spoofery with his armchair “Trucker Christmas Song.” Trouble with the law? That ain’t yule!
Summoning his honky tonk powers, Dan Brayall altos “Big Rig Christmas Tree.” Finally he’s celebrating being on the road again. Why so sad for the baby J, you other musicians? This truckers’ creation is gonna ‘save the day’!