Died. You’re Welcome: murder (1)

I know… you were hoping for some metal… some death metal…

Almost there (i’m a little old for headbanging regularly).

And I KNOW Weird Al Yankevic has a comedy classic “The Night That Santa Went Crazy” but despite the hints of elficide, it’s mostly about torture-killing the reindeer and we’ll deal with roadkill in another week or two.

So to start you out of the grisly world of grinchy life-taking (check out my Halloween week from last year as well), here’s cute little Londoner Silver Darter, singing about luring you to his cabin and relieving you of your burden of breathing for the holidays: “The Face of Death.”

Died. You’re Welcome: me and you

Missed you last Sunday. Y’know Easter. It’s all beginning middle and end for us Western Civvers because of JC. But we try not to directly link that little baby in the manger with suffocating and pierced on some dusty hillside. No foolin’ though: he died for you; be grateful.

Not so reverent are our pranking holiday songsters! Deep dark December is a time to reflect on mortality, which gets mixed up with rebirth and then you just gotta put it to music–maybe with a larf. So we’ll spend April on a few passing on bits for you all sugar plummed up–or whatever else you got out of your grassy basket–for our Christmas Every Day of the Year appreciations.

Our classic today is from Parker and Stone on their South Park Christmas album. How do i know it’s a classic? Well here is Dryante Zan, who seems to have learned English from TV, covering his beloved ironical special noel: “Dead Dead Dead.”

BLUE ALERT: the s word (10)

Saved the best shit for last. Red Peters is often as funny as an Asperger’s ridden 1960s burlesque emcee. But his psychological passive-aggressive pastiche of Walter Brennan (you don’t have to suffer through the original tear-jerking tune) dealing with ungrateful grown kids at Christmas is a hoot and a holler and a half.

Please enjoy “You Ain’t Gettin’ Shit for Christmas.” It’s funny. I shit you not.

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Don’t forget now, we’re locking elbows with the lowest common denominators of society: the profane. Life is terrible. What’re ya gonna do? Curse!

So watch down your nose Wish Crosby and Flo Murphy getting their Christmas from the Family on with “Shitty Shaggin’ Christmas.” They’re a regular Archie and Edith bunker three rungs down the trailer park.


BLUE ALERT: the s word (7)

Well, this is a sweet one. Because the hectic holidays are a time of love and the pressure’s really on to make the day count, 12/25 can result in a frustrating and expletive-laden fiasco of just-missed mistletoe moments. Shit!

Kailen Beitel and Chris K Payne act and sing Rob van de Meer and Yfke Berckelaer’s ode to modern romance: “Shitty Christmas.” Can i get an awww!

BLUE ALERT : the s word (6)

Easter may not be an appropriate reference for the high holiday of Xmas. Or is it…. Tell ya what, we’ll deal with death and resurrection next month. Let’s get back to swearing.

Tinkling the piano keys all artisan fancy Lisa Scudiero dives deep into androgynous anger over present-giving posers pouting while she does all the GD work.

Her “Merry Shitty Christmas” is a gentle tune of ulcer-giving complaints. An octave higher and i’d call her a whiny bitch. But she plays it just right as a Unionizing call to arms.


BLUE ALERT: the s word (5)

The pressure to be relentlessly merry for the second half of December does not prohibit calamity, mishap, and bad breakups. It makes the pathos so much worse, in fact.

Landon Tewers, a mopey rocker, really delivers on this message of bedroom betrayal and cutting faces out of pictures.

Careful, “I Hope You Have a Shitty Christmas” contains many more oaths than the s one. But it does rock out that list of what i wish would happen to you (including a shark attack).