Santa Jobs: alternative (BLUE ALERT still)

Let’s get with the 21st and consider the LGBTQ alternatives! Is Santa stuck in a rut, or is he experimental at all?

Daveo Falaveo updates old heater Eartha with his “Santa Baby.” Seems to work–except the lip-sync (what song is that guy singing?!).

Just as predictably, Parody Dummy regales us with ‘funny’ falsettos and “Santa is Queer” (from Wham’s ‘Last Year’). Skip the first minute of pre-music. Or all of it.

Slightly funnier, but blessedly shorter, Larry the Cable Guy brings forth a 15 second “The First Queer Santy Claus” to the tune of ‘First Noel.’ Hee haw.

Wooden Steel belabors the comedy out of “Santa Turned My Boyfriend Gay.” This is presented as an ‘improv’ song. Un-improv-ed, if you ask me. Despite the tacked on gender empowerment, it stoops to poo poo.

Although Kip Addotta does this (it’s on the Big Dr. Demento Xmas Collection), i prefer Standstill’s “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus” ’cause it’s raw (appropriately punk) and has a Seinfeld reference. (Yes, i like it even more than RuPaul‘s throaty ur-diva bit.)

Much happier to out the old guy is Uncle’s Institution garage chortling “Santa Claus is Gay.” These polar scholars reel from tolerance to name-calling on some German TV show.

Too many of these songs have been repressed, so let me just add a couple more from my own collection  (despite their sad association of gay with pedophilia):

The Go-Go Boys are unabashed queer parodists. Off their album Gay Apparel Xmas Songs from somewhere in the ’90s check out “Chickenhawk is Coming to Town.” Fiendishly clever, with a jazzy piano.

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Unintentionally uplifting are The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies from a 1998 KROQ Christmas collection with “Butch the Gay Santa Claus.” It’s a party in your pants.

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Santa Jobs: chickenhawk (BLUE ALERT)

It’s a pretty sad and lame joke that since Santa services kids, it’s not oral or anal–so, thank you Sigmund, it’s sexual.

Not much novelty gold to mine here, but there are lumpy nuggets to chew.

A lagubrious Karl Speegle moans his carol “Santa is a Pedo” as if he’d lost a bet.

Moving on, we may have touched upon Andy Dick’s “Santa’s Yule Log” earlier. It’s so wigged out creepy though that i need to inflict it upon you ‘gain.

Culturcide celebrates Santa’s perversity with an ambiguous age difference between Sinter Klass and the subject(object) of his affection in “Santa Claus was My Lover.” Is the love underaged? or just May/Dec? And hey. kids, we don’t really encourage the plagiarism of karaoke machinery to write your music, but a Michael Jackson song just writes its own parody here.

Best on parody here would have to be the squirmy take on The Kinks’ ‘Lola’ “Santa” by Joel Kopischke. This gets creepier the more genius it gets. I think it’s gay-consensual, but it may also be a crime. Can’t really tell.

Old Dr. Demento discovery Barnes and Barnes present their perverse pop present “I Had Sex with Santa.” This also is not necessarily felonious, but the insoucient joy (“…and then I had a beer!”) and naive frivolity of this act leads one to darkness analogous.

Santa Jobs: hound dog

If Santa’s so cool, should i worry about my girl?

Straight up and tragic yeah.

Santa likes a little nookie with his cookie, and he gets around.

You have probably known this since Clarence Carter’s motown “Back Door Santa” from 1968. That delivery man has got libido out the back door.

In the same vein, “Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'” has been covered by Lynyrd Skynyrd, Albert King, Tinsley Ellis, Larry McCrayDan Lawson and The Christmas Jug Band. But let’s give it to Bill Murray (and George Clooney) with a laid wa-a-a-ay back rendition.

Bob Rivers’ take on this is the classic Springsteen turn on ‘Coming to Town’ with his parody “Santa Claus is Fooling Around.” Classic comedy (and i do mean OLD).

More outraged (and rightly so) come The Mistreats and the punk screaming fit “Santa Stole My Baby.” Vent along if it’s happened to you, too.

Gotta hear the blues, though. Bobby Parker gets angsty with “Sandy Claw Stole My Woman.” It’s painful, that’s what it is (not the guitar).

Here Comes the Mummies do a word-jazz heavy number on that Fat Tub of Goo with “Secret Santa.” That’s is one merry mo-fo you should not let down your chimney when she‘s home. Great fun video, but this may not be about Santa after all.

Best party music for your girl getting’ birddogged by Babouschka is “Santa’s Beard” by They Might Be Giants (not a remake of The Beach Boys), a real crowd pleasing stomp in honor of jealousy and heart-broken-ness.

Santa Jobs: surfer

Motorcycle Santa? How ’bout loading up the woody and waxing the board, hang-ten buddy?!

The Hollyberries express your deep seated feelings: “(I Wanna Go) Surfing’ with Santa” in the appropriate key of Sea. The surf guitar rides like a never-ending curl.

Take a breath and grab a beach cocktail. Surfer Jim introduces you low-key style to “Surfer Santa Claus.” Okay, considering the monotonous melody, make that a floor mat and graham crackers and milk.

Alpha Waves California ratchets up the guitar again and delivers the sermon of “Surf’s Up, Santa.” Don’t be fooled by the group title, these are Aussies and their’s is more hard core wave shreddin’.

faffytunes brings the Australian surfboard culture to an odd British music hall tenor warble with “Surfboard Santa“–that despite the didgeridoo. I’m not visualizing the twenty-foot waves at all, guys!

Jody Whitesides even more strangely gets his ‘Seventies high vocal range pop/blues on to tell us about “I Saw Santa Surfing.” I think you saw ‘shrooms you couldn’t pass up, man.

Let’s stay authentic to the surf rock, if we can. Retro-cats Malibooz remind you of one of those other ’60s boy bands with sand in their hair harmonizing (and woo-woo-ing) to “Santa’s Gone Surfin’.” It’s cute.

Lord Douglas Byron pleads the percussive rock patter of the actual ’60s. “Surfin’ Santa” is the real deal ho daddies and grimmies and–yes–i can dance to it.

Ramblers get a little too ’60s pop and shrill with their “Surfin’ Santa.” But you have to understand how important it was to institutionalize beach parties back then. Everybody must be surfing! Even LBJ!

Indispensible for our novelty purposes, however, is kid show host Soupy Sales singing “Santa Claus is Surfin’ to Town.” Milton Supman (what i could do with a moniker like that!) broke big into counter culture the best way–he amused them! The rock here is real, the singer only marginal, but the fun is contagious.

 

 

Santa Jobs: biker

Okay, chicks dig the sleigh, but in his off duty hours, doesn’t it jive that Father Christmas is riding that hog low and slow through town, giving every little girl and boy visions of chopper burns. Get out of his way if you know what’s good for you!

The Rocking Scoundrels give us a “Sidecar Santa” with a hard-driving electric rhythm and a dash of rockabilly. Sons of Advent ride!

A Harley Davidson Christmas Song” by Richard Steel Hemingway adds hard country rock to some odd mumbling about that weird old beard-o with the motorcycle. It’s lulling me to sleep….

More fun is a ditty posted by Texas Outdoor and Motorcycle Roads club. It’s uncredited and of poor sound quality, but “Biker Santa” is a moral tale of misjudging a man by his leathers–country western style. A flashback to the ’70s.

Tony Vosik & The Kids nail the awkward-rhythm of novelty music (off-key electric piano, lackluster back ups) better with “Santa on a Motorcycle.” You may be singing (in order to drown them out) and swaying (from nausea), but you’ll be glad when it’s over.

Santa Jobs: killer

Futurama featured a rampaging Saint akin to Black Peter who would shoot first and check lists later. Never did get a full fledged song about that robo-claus, but here’s a little ditty: “Santa Claus is Gunning You Down.”

The old chestnut here is Weird Al’s “The Night Santa Went Crazy.” That was felonious, dude. But, i’ve mentioned that already last April.

Also previously featured but worth the encore are The Oh Wells and “Don’t Kill Me, Santa.” Love the brass.

For something new, let’s try Santa as an unholy seducer/sucker: “Santa Claus is a Vampire.” Dr. Noise amps up the home grown rock with boyish boisterousness. Stay in beds kids!

Santa Jobs: pimp

What’s it mean to be a pimp? Frontin’ for the ho ho hos? Running the whole dang show like a master mack daddy? Pimpin’ is bein’ in charge. Leave it to Sleigh Boss.

Louna Maroun & RefugeFromReno claim only that he’s a ladies man when they outline his proclivities in “Santa Claus: P.I.M.P.” but they sing it so party-time i gots to give it to ’em.

The Broadlawn Posse motown up their hip hop for a melodic melt down on “Pimp Daddy Santa.” Good and bad girls are covered.

But, in our reggae styling Determine determines that “Santa Pimp” is merely a hard man not to be messed with. Or he’s not real.

Our friends from Saturday Night Live have also determined that the godfather of naughty is ol’ “Sump’n Claus.” With awesome power (and cash) he rewards the naughty, by means of his own code of rap rules.

Clever clever Mistletones pay homage to blaxploitation with “Chimney Shaft.” Shut yo mouf.

Michael Tolcher has the skinny though. In his ballad “Santa is a Pimp” we learn how the magic of Christmas Day rolls easily off his mighty mighty gloved fingers. That’s the power of pimpin’. Listen for the last line of proof and you too will believe.

Santa Jobs: dealer

John Kirby is silly karaoke style (‘Coming to Town’) tattling “Santa’s Got the Best Weed in Town,” Props for witty if one -note lyrical jokes.

“Nuclear Rabbit gets it with Santa Claus is Selling Crack.” This hard rocking garage monster sound exceeds psychedelia but stops short of metal, thank goodness.

Revisiting Martin Mull (backed up this time with the Sondra Baskin Glee Club) finds us some fantastico fol-de-rol “Santafly” tipping the boogie beanie to ‘Super Fly’ one of our more colorful cinematic drug dealers.

Santa Jobs: criminal

Breaking and entering should not a hero make. Santa’s real occupation is working outside the law. How shall we charge thee?

Currently disconnected run a mean unplugged spanish-style guitar riff over their warning “Coming Down Your Chimney.” Be careful because that interloper’s  white (i think).

Kingpin mastermind? Sky Does Minecraft has their cutie-pie parody “Santa Claus is Running this Town.” It’s a take off on the Springsteen version, but the vocals are not too shabby ‘tall.

Nice Peter has some pun with “Santa is a Gangsta.” This is the bleeped version, so lean in–it’s not bad. I presume a rapping bad-ass is the criminal type, not just tuff.

Ted Lyons (from the cool Xmas compilation Christmas Time Again) delivers unto us a desperado Deliverer of Toys in “The Only Law that Santa Claus Understood.” It’s retro rock club style with overly dramatic accents. Hah!