BLUE ALERT: the s word (3)

Stevie Simpson ( makes it personal with “I Wish You a Shit Christmas, Dave.”

Between draughts of holiday drink, this coordinator for the Charlotte chapter of the Nashville Songwriters Association International names names for who’s been letting him down this season. Nick and Clint and Dave don’t meet his standards. And he cusses them out… but it’s mandolin strumming; it’s not that mean.

Piss.Ess: he’s got a sequel with tons of production values from Gun City. I’m not sure the inclusion of children helps his humor or ramps up the creep factor, though.

BLUE ALERT: the s word (2)

The exclamation OH SHIT is merely gasp of astonishment, quite appropriate for The Advent.

Oh Shit, It’s Christmas!”  by the Tim Tations is a bouncy garage howler. Almost reverent in its anarchic call for revolutionary antimaterialism, really.

Oh Sh*t, It’s Christmastime” by The Mad Tea is also mad rockin’ fun with a twist of Limey. Party music.

Musically mediocre, the video for The Zissou Society’s “Oh Shit! It’s Christmas” is a compelling climb through the TV time tunnel to the holiday hokum of 1970s commercials. Wow what video fun.

Deer Tick’s “Holy Sh*t, It’s Christmas” really digs down into the underground of experimental rock. A rock bottom gravelly voiced angry celebration.

Red Peters as usual gets dirty and nasty with his standard: “Holy Shit, It’s Christmas!” I guess it’s jolly.

It’s The Hot Dogs who get the rock-out-with-their-shit-together nod with a hot hammerin’ “Holy Shit, It’s Christmas!”

BLUE ALERT: the s word (1)

Parodies with harsh language in place of holy wishes don’t add much our novelty canon. Let’s flush through them quickly.

Home movie auteurs Brian Conway and Kennedy Malone go kwazy wit “Crappy Little Christmas.” A couple cleverly cruel lines here.

Exhausted dad Collin Stewart sings his “Have Yourself a Shitty Little Christmas” to no one is particular. Take a nap!

cky tries for the metal parody of ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ with “A Shitty Christmas.” Ooo, multiple swear words AND gnarly guitar thrashing.

BLUE ALERT: not quite the s word (-2)

Significant anger is directed at the abuses of the holiday spirit of giving and not caring. So here is some almost swearing from the people at Dot Photo who have cobbled together an impressive slide show buffet of presents you only give to those you want to know are beneath your good graces: “Stop Giving Me Crap for Christmas” by Bobby Gaylor.

Big ups to Bobby for including novelty christmas albums by cats or dogs; more ups on the video for including choco-pooping toys.

BLUE ALERT: not quite the s word (-3)

Now that we’re in the realm of obscenity, we need to realize bodily functions are so taboo that their mere mention indicates wrongness. So shit don’t just mean shit. It means unwanted presents; it means trouble i don’t want to deal with; it means lies.

Not all of us are ready to use the S word, so some will settle for ‘crap’ and You Know What I Mean. (I can remember back in the 1970s when a local radio station bleeped out that euphemism in the Paul Simon song ‘Koda Chrome.’)

Some tender up the word like a turd: “Don’t Give a Crap about Christmas” by Noodles and Ole play the sped up chipmunks bit to make the dirty word funny. Their satire is tiring and too apologetic, though.

So, in order to get in the spirit of angry hard usage enjoy Patsy Hoolahan’s singing toilet and “I Won’t Take Crap for Christmas.”

BLUE ALERT: number two (4)

While feces and feliz navidad have a ho-ho factor of 7.35 built in, the awkward inappropriateness a merry dump next to the chimney raises the horror of the humorless. Enter Andy Dick, the off-putting offspring of Eww and Ick. His seasonal poop tale dabbles in rape panic, pedophlia, and of course shit and run. All euphemistically sung with an impish grin. This is about as bad as it gets, folks.

“Santa’s Yule Log” from Keven and Bean’s Santa’s Swingin’ Sack.


BLUE ALERT: number two (3)

The satirical backlash to cute children’s songs often results in simply more banality, even when The Toilet Bowl Cleaners (just one guy actually) endeavor to compile a complete album (Holiday Poop Puke & Pee Songs) of scatalogical gross-outs. The holidays range from Father’s Day to Thanksgiving, with special attention to Christmas.

But “I’ll Be Home Pooping for Christmas” is just musically shitting around.

And  “I Saw Mommy Wiping Santa’s Bum” is more of a sad family descent into incontinence and elder care.

I should have given Matt Farley, a novelty Spotify song cranker-outter, his own nod for number one with “Pee on the Christmas Tree” because that’s a bouncy message-laden number I can get behind… but i’ll leave you with “I Pooped on Santa’s Lap” because it has what you’d expect (with a salsa beat).