Year-round Yuletide oddities
That French one-step, the cancan, is antique but iconic. And not just for the ladies to perform, but, yeah, a spectator sport.
To the Offenbach, Straight No Chaser’s a cappella “Christmas Can-Can” made them famous and gave them a record deal while in college. It’s worth hearing every year. (Sorry if it’s becoming mainstream.)
The waltz is a Bavarian couples dance wherein those frisky outdoor folk whirl around so closely their faces almost touch (to three-quarter time).
The standard selection is “The Christmas Waltz” by Frank and Andy and Karen and plenty of others. This is a song your parents’ parents are embarrassed about.
!949 wasn’t embarrassed though. Tenor crooners with angelic girl backups trilling up and down the scales made us want to get all that foreplay in that we could in the way of ballroom slow-dancing (i’ve heard). Enter Buddy Clark (with The Girl Friends), singing “The Merry Christmas Waltz.” Gordon McRae has a more sensual version for getting to second base.
Marie Vernon and the Mellomen find the beat with more big band bounciness in their “Christmas Tree Waltz,” but all i hear (despite a nice jazz trumpet comin’ out of nowhere) is prison exercise music.
The Old West was somewhere near the 16th Century (at least in mouthfeel), so Gene Autry has a “Merry Christmas Waltz” for you. It’s like big band with a hip hop back beat.
Andy gets one more in there with his “Waltz ’round the Christmas Tree.” It starts out pretty, but gets TV over-orchestrated and ends up with shouting.
Who says the oldest dances have to be ancient? Red Foley and Judy Martin make it seem like 1954 with their “Our Christmas Waltz.” It’s a slow somber dance because it’s country style and they’re going to divorce anyways.
Now what we need is an ’80s power ballad. Dobie Gray delivers with “The Christmas Waltz,” a pop step down memory lane for lovers who want to be children again.
I also want sump’m purdy–like rock ‘n’ roll with a French influence and plenty o’ saxophone: The Olympics raise the roof with “Dancing Holiday“–ma cherie ma bell.
The waltz must remain a bit stiff and formal, though. I want to stay reverential, okay maybe even depress you a bit. So, Li’l Wally revs up his oom-pah ensemble for “Sleigh Bells Waltz,” resulting in a mad mess of melancholic minuet-ing. Have fun.
Happy Hallowmas! Are your wreaths for the dead ready?
This time of year is non-stop party, party, paw-tay! So you need a soundtrack. Well, Christmastime has many danceable selections.
You know Santa cuts a mean rug, right?
Woodcreek Faction do a killer political satire video, in addition to their 8-bit redux-es, not to mention their flat out party-licious parodies. I’m not sure if they are completely above the bar or below the radar, so don’t tell Men Without Hats… but, here is their genius “Santa Dance” (sadly without their more-than-genius shot-by-shot tribute music video). Enjoy.
On the other hand, Santa seeming omnipresent may overload our senses to the point whereas the small minded may discount any of his presence due to his inconceivability.
The Nay-Santers. The dis-en-sant-ed. The incomplete people.
A few songs, then, out of pity, for those deniers who believe Santa’s job is to be nothing.
Sigh.
BLUE ALERT. Nick Helm, comically competing on some singing show, lets his anger out a crack at the revelation that “There Ain’t No Fucking Santa Claus.” Hard rocking, hard feelings.
BLUE ALERT. Driller profanely rages metal against the milk and cookies with their “There’s No Santa Claus.” Even though he doesn’t exist, i think they’d kill him. Jesus, too.
BLUE ALERT. Trick Daddy raps the quandary colorfully with “Ain’t No Santa.” Hrm, maybe this is just a PSA directing kids to believe or end up dead nigas.
Perhaps too drunk to realize what they’re saying The Damned report “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause.” We may have crossed over into more personal garage rock issues.
Let’s stay prog rock and explore the possibility that we’ve merely misplaced the Wise Winterman. Captain Beefheart inspects whether or not “There’s No Santa on the Evening Stage.” It’s the blues.
Jazzy blues also come from Russ Lorenson singing a Barry Manilow number “I Guess there Ain’t No Santa Claus.” I think he’s confusing Santa with basic happiness. …well, that ain’t wrong.
Ron Holden and the Thunderbirds got it figured out. When they ask “Who Sez There Ain’t No Santy Claus?” they mean: who wants to have a horrible, empty life spiraling downward into doom. Rock the doo wop here and BELIEVE.
You knew!
Santa’s secondary job, like Dr. Who’s, is to fold space-time so he can be everywhere at the same moment. He seems to be multiple copies of himself–but that’s our limited perception forcing our paradigm on his magic.
I’m glad you knew.
The Peter Pan Carolers explain their shock that there are “Ten Thousand Santa Clauses,” but never fear–they’ll blink them away.
When Gayla Peevey wasn’t shilling for hippopotami, she was counting “77 Santa Clauses.” Kids think they’re so smart.
The more adult perspective comes from Bob Rivers who, natch, turns ‘Here Comes’ to “There’s Another Santa Claus.” Yes, very clever. But you seem to be racist, Bob.
The appropriate response to “Too Many Santas” is awe and stupefaction. Although The Bobs collapse into cynicism, they do it with love. Rock steady.
I guess Santa makes a great decoration, he could make some extra scratch hiring out as a nativity scarecrow or something…
Please welcome the joys of The Christmas Jug Band (featuring lead Paul Rogers here) with there DIY instructions what to do with your jolly old elf in “Plant a Santa.” Grow a little merry tonight!
Is Kris bigger than all of these mundane human endeavors? Is he really gonna blow you all away?
Learn from Bah and the Humbugs through the story of “Hurricane Santa.” It’s lounge-tastic for a doomsday.
Is Santa his real name? Is it Kris? Or Billy?
We may not ever know who this guy is.
Here are some guesses who he could actually be in his spare time.
Of course Bob Rivers has an opinion. He claims, in his best der Bingle, that “There’s a Santa Who Looks a Lot Like Elvis” down at the K-Mart store. Wait, who’s standing in for whom?
Ralph Garman similarly wonders who the real Marshall Bruce Mathers III is in his Kevin and Bean radio parody “The Real Slim Santa.” It’s a shady present no matter how you rap it.
Lee Stranger gets rock and revival with his electric “I Wanted Christ and You Gave Me Santa Claus.” Are you sure they’re two different people? I’ve never seen them together….
If out of work, Santa could pick up some training at the local community college, i’m sure.
But the consequences could be dire–
Herein lies the lesson: Casey McKinnon warns of the resulting nihilism often resulting from liberal arts classes in her bouncy fun pop tune: “Santa is an Atheist.” Well, he didn’t start out as one but, see, what happened…
If Santa loses his job, he probably got sued out of it. Maybe he should get more comfortable in a courtroom (not just on 34th Street).
As defendent, Santa also had to put up with dumb old Dr. Elmo who gratuitously stretched out his success of ‘Grandma Got Run Over’ with “Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants Off of Santa.” The Caribbean beat is a nice touch, but this is novelty by the numbers.
Bill Engvall paints his funny li’l ol’ redneck ditty “I’m Getting Sued by Santa Claus” to tickle your funny bone. Honestly, he spends more time on twangy country tuning than larf out loud wit. Singable.
Lawrence Savell has quite a little sidebar writing and singing about legal hijinx. His “I Dreamed I Saw Santa Working in the Library” is one of his better electronic folk numbers, though if you listen to it, he’ll probably bill you.