Christmas runs the spectrum of blue (Elvis) to white (Bing). And then some.
Colors speak to us in imagery, symbolism, political bent, and all manner of culture. Can it be that novelty Christmas songs come addressed to Roy G. Biv?
Is there a red Christmas?
Betcher ass.
And i don’t just mean the colors of suits and noses and stripey candies…
Although i will allow 12-year-old Zach to sing about his “Red Christmas Sock” because it’s all silly and parody (Toby Keith) and everything i stand for. Toby Tucker does a more down home, dumbed down version, “Red Christmas Cup.” It’s about Christmas (drunken) parties with, you know, those red Solo cups full of trouble (with a brief salute to the troops)!
This is not to be confused with the superior counter-commentary “Red Christmas Cups” about the Starbucks non-religious drink holder outrage. Steve Marshall is a regular new millennial Pete Seger (subtext: not so funny). But let’s get back to Toby Keith: Gestalt being what it is, a million people parodied ‘Red Solo Cup’ with the Josh Feuerstein controversy about Starbucks not emblazoning their merch with Christmas icons like trees (google ‘War on Christmas’ if you must). Trending for the previous week of internet news WCYY goes trolling with its (#5) “The Internet Outrage Song (aka Red Starbucks Cup).” It’s drivetime parody with quips and noises and best-by dates rapidly peeling the relevance off the actual outrage. And then Justin Tyler Moore is coming to town with his (#4) “Red Starbucks Cup.” He’s clever, but his home movies suck, and is he serious about the verisimilitude of poor singing to drive home the point?! And then Ed Button twists the knife with (#3) “Red Starbucks Cup (Red Solo Cup parody).” Reminiscent of Tom Bodett leavin’ a light on for you, he rails like Ranty the red-cupped reader! And then comes the sermon on the mountain roast from Mighty Joe and his (#2) “Red Starbucks Cup” (karaoke backup!). Oooh, the F-word! A nice parody, but too apologetic by half-caff for a cowboy. And then Noah Rivera trashes up the idea with his Ray-Stevens-worthy (#1) “Red Starbucks Cup.” Hee Haw, he makes that conservative reactionaryism look stupid. Nice coffee twerkin’, fool.
Ashley Dudley takes the cup on a percussive detour with “Red Cup Song” (new tune!) letting us know that Jesus likes red. So there. A paler shade of red is Aimee with Starbucks employees helping her out while she reads her “Starbucks Cup Song” (same cup slappin’ tune!) to us. It’s not the same as the others but trills tolerantly multicultural.
Kelly Clarkson brings idols before us with her moody belting of “Wrapped in Red.” Well, i think red is her (killer) mood, but it might be the hue of her oh so fashionable body length sweater.
Also red-minded are Malice in Wonderland. “When Everything’s Red” tells the tale of Christmas love loss. Pretty pouting.
“Red Red Christmas” in the hands of Marcel Caroto and Bilo Lawrence apparently means peace, love, out. Red heart = love?! I’m losing the connex.
And–oddity alert–Scottish politics gets a dressing down with Lady Alba’s “Red Christmas.” Keep Google nearby if you want to ‘get it.’
Alessandro Valenti increases the social commentary with “Red Christmas” (set to the requisite ‘White Christmas’) in which the capitalist system is oppressing the 99% to bloody death.
Snakebite gears up for metal and delivers a sackful of Christian caveats–“Satan’s Hiding in That Red Christmas Light.” What would JC head bang to?
Finally pitching the comedy of ‘in the red’ with overspending, Jeanie Perkins chortles piano bar style “Red Christmas.” Mind the tip snifter, girl.
BLUE ALERT – Let’s get red-faced! Fat slob rock god Kenneth Hister solos his The Freakin’ Zombies song “Red Christmas.” Grrr! Mad!! Swear words!
BLUE ALERT – Playing metal violence for money come Deer Pussy and their “Bloody Red Christmas.” It’s what you’d expect
BLUE ALERT – Leave it to Insane Clown Posse to get messy, gory, bloody, declasse, AND pretty cool with “Red Christmas.” Poetic obscenities.