I know… you were hoping for some metal… some death metal…
Almost there (i’m a little old for headbanging regularly).
And I KNOW Weird Al Yankevic has a comedy classic “The Night That Santa Went Crazy” but despite the hints of elficide, it’s mostly about torture-killing the reindeer and we’ll deal with roadkill in another week or two.
So to start you out of the grisly world of grinchy life-taking (check out my Halloween week from last year as well), here’s cute little Londoner Silver Darter, singing about luring you to his cabin and relieving you of your burden of breathing for the holidays: “The Face of Death.”
Significant anger is directed at the abuses of the holiday spirit of giving and not caring. So here is some almost swearing from the people at Dot Photo who have cobbled together an impressive slide show buffet of presents you only give to those you want to know are beneath your good graces: “Stop Giving Me Crap for Christmas” by Bobby Gaylor.
Big ups to Bobby for including novelty christmas albums by cats or dogs; more ups on the video for including choco-pooping toys.
While feces and feliz navidad have a ho-ho factor of 7.35 built in, the awkward inappropriateness a merry dump next to the chimney raises the horror of the humorless. Enter Andy Dick, the off-putting offspring of Eww and Ick. His seasonal poop tale dabbles in rape panic, pedophlia, and of course shit and run. All euphemistically sung with an impish grin. This is about as bad as it gets, folks.
“Santa’s Yule Log” from Keven and Bean’s Santa’s Swingin’ Sack.
American original Frank Zappa created his own form of jazz rock fusion after experimenting with form (Mothers of Invention) in the ’60s. By the ’70s he was no longer ahead of his time, but recognized to the point that he became nauseatingly popular (‘Valley Girl’). This is another of those moments, the song “Yellow Snow” from the album Apostrophe. You can dance to it, but out of respect don’t.
Bobby Helms could be the godfather of rock ‘n’ roll Christmas novelty songs with his 1957 ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and his early contribution to all things rockabilly.
But, the late ’50s is afire with the space race, so let’s not overlook the B-side to that Xmas hit: “Captain Santa Claus and His Reindeer Space Patrol.” We know not to be afraid with our man in red in space.
Not as popular as the rubber-suited freakazoids are the accouterments of Dr. Who.
James Mullins eventually sings part of “(I’ve Been) Dreaming of a Blue Tardis” and an opening for “I Want a Sonic Screwdriver for Christmas” for a bit entitled “If Christmas Songs were Written by Dr. Who Fans.” It has the beginning of promise.
The same and more of these TARDIS filk songs from fanzines (with lyricists credited this time) are sung by a shirty old bird and his ancient mum in “Doctor Who Christmas Filk Songs.”
A Blue Galaxy Project slogs through “TARDIS The Blue Police Box” making parody without making humorous sense.
Barely Christmas is “Do You Want to Steal a Tardis?” mostly by North Rory. It’s a riff on that “Frozen” song. Some masterly fun.
“I Want a Tardis for Christmas” by Legendary Noobs is a love song of regret and man-chanting. But us savvy movie-goers know that having a time travel device never helps lost love, ya doomed-to-repeat-history head bangers. Still, rock on.
Perhaps you’ve noticed some of the scifi color in the Dr. Who TV series. Well, the aliens/monsters sometimes have bigger fan clubs than the Dr. gets. And they get their own carols.
Strax, the Sontaran Commander, is bellicose and stentorian about it. In a cast extra, he bellows out his “Songtaran Christmas Carols” and it might make you laugh.
Daleks, by far, outdo the other villains of the show. Although within their trashcan shells they are withered abortions, they often come across as nothing more than spoiled, megalomaniacal kittens, don’t they now… yes they do!
For a quick pic of how Daleks celebrate Xmas check out John Smith’s (not a song) ‘tube “A Very Dalek Christmas.” Half a funny.
Miles Quartermaas uses the altered voice for a brief chuckle with his “Dalek Christmas Carol.” Moving on…