BLUE ALERT: number two (4)

While feces and feliz navidad have a ho-ho factor of 7.35 built in, the awkward inappropriateness a merry dump next to the chimney raises the horror of the humorless. Enter Andy Dick, the off-putting offspring of Eww and Ick. His seasonal poop tale dabbles in rape panic, pedophlia, and of course shit and run. All euphemistically sung with an impish grin. This is about as bad as it gets, folks.

“Santa’s Yule Log” from Keven and Bean’s Santa’s Swingin’ Sack.


BLUE ALERT: number one (2)

American original Frank Zappa created his own form of jazz rock fusion after experimenting with form (Mothers of Invention) in the ’60s. By the ’70s he was no longer ahead of his time, but recognized to the point that he became nauseatingly popular (‘Valley Girl’). This is another of those moments, the song “Yellow Snow” from the album Apostrophe. You can dance to it, but out of respect don’t.

A Month of Love: Billy Squier

“Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You” may be the big Kahuna of Holiday heartfelt howlings. It was the B-side to Billy Squier’s 1981 single ‘My Kinda Lover.’ And it has it’s share of covers.

Alexa Vega tries to Disney it up a bit. Darlene Love torches it up. Katharine McPhee certainly orchestrates it up. SR-71 and The Cute Lepers try to and metal and sass. Hurts my throat to hear ’em

But it’s Billy’s song. Here he is on crappy videotape lip syncing with his hair on MTV. Hey, is that You in the audience?!

The Future: Outer Space (2)

Bobby Helms could be the godfather of rock ‘n’ roll Christmas novelty songs with his 1957 ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and his early contribution to all things rockabilly.

But, the late ’50s is afire with the space race, so let’s not overlook the B-side to that Xmas hit: “Captain Santa Claus and His Reindeer Space Patrol.” We know not to be afraid with our man in red in space.

The Future: Dr. Who (4)

Not as popular as the rubber-suited freakazoids are the accouterments of Dr. Who.
James Mullins eventually sings part of “(I’ve Been) Dreaming of a Blue Tardis” and an opening for “I Want a Sonic Screwdriver for Christmas” for a bit entitled “If Christmas Songs were Written by Dr. Who Fans.” It has the beginning of promise.
The same and more of these TARDIS filk songs from fanzines (with lyricists credited this time) are sung by a shirty old bird and his ancient mum in “Doctor Who Christmas Filk Songs.”
A Blue Galaxy Project slogs through “TARDIS The Blue Police Box” making parody without making humorous sense.
Barely Christmas is “Do You Want to Steal a Tardis?” mostly by North Rory. It’s a riff on that “Frozen” song. Some masterly fun.
“I Want a Tardis for Christmas” by Legendary Noobs is a love song of regret and man-chanting. But us savvy movie-goers know that having a time travel device never helps lost love, ya doomed-to-repeat-history head bangers. Still, rock on.

The Future: Dr. Who (3)

Perhaps you’ve noticed some of the scifi color in the Dr. Who TV series. Well, the aliens/monsters sometimes have bigger fan clubs than the Dr. gets. And they get their own carols.

Strax, the Sontaran Commander, is bellicose and stentorian about it. In a cast extra, he bellows out his “Songtaran Christmas Carols” and it might make you laugh.

Daleks, by far, outdo the other villains of the show. Although within their trashcan shells they are withered abortions, they often come across as nothing more than spoiled, megalomaniacal kittens, don’t they now… yes they do!
For a quick pic of how Daleks celebrate Xmas check out John Smith’s (not a song) ‘tube “A Very Dalek Christmas.” Half a funny.

Miles Quartermaas uses the altered voice for a brief chuckle with his “Dalek Christmas Carol.” Moving on…

Basil the Dear Old Dalek” by WeTheSciencey is a wee bit o fun on Rudolph’s tune.

The Time War that destroyed the Time Lords and the Daleks is lovingly echo-echo-echoed by Connie and Connie to ‘Silver Bells’ in “Gallifrey Song.”

Trying even more hard is Zuzana Stolinska with “Trenzalore” (to the tune of ‘Let it Snow’). This Moebius mess requires a couple Dr. Who reference guides to follow.

Mike Horner’s Timey Wimey Puppet Show satisfies more with “Carol of the Daleks.”

But, in order to rock, witness The Go Gos back in the mid-’60s, who had a minor hit with “I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas with a Dalek.” Extremely exterminable. [The Modest has a killer video for their cover.]

Rock Parodies Made Merry: “Oddity”

1970’s “Space Oddity” was David Bowie’s first chart hit. A subsequent US album got named for it. It’s as much about drugs as it is about Kubrick’s ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ (which is as much about drugs–mind expansion–as about space travel). Some will argue Mr. Jones’s music is not technically ‘rock.’ But i argue those who listened to the branchings of rock (be it progressive, psychedelia, metal…) listened to this.

Joel Kopischke makes some dang funny yule parodies. He’s done voice over for commercials and jingles as well. Since 2005 his comedy albums jingle my bells. Back then was “I Got Yule, Babe.” Now it’s “Ground Control to Santa Claus.”

Rock Parodies Made Merry: “Believer”

Confession time. I watched ‘The Monkees’ TV show every week. I was 10. It appealed to the iconoclast rebel in me. It barely fazed me to learn later that they were a corporate formula, a formulaic band designed by committee with songs bought from legitimately contracted musicians. They rocked. “I’m a Believer” was Micky Dolenz’s 1966 anthem about gettin’ some. He was the dumb drummer and rarely got paired romantically during the sitcom’s hijinx. Go Mickey D! I’m in your corner! (The Neil Diamond penned danceable–he’d already recorded it–became, for The Monkees, the biggest selling record of 1967. And it came out right around Christmas.)

And, yeah–this is pop. Not really rock. Go take out your tree or something, ok?

The Mistletones is a who’s-that a cappella group from the ’90s who suddenly went parodical in 2012 with their witty album Naughty and Nice. Sadly their attempt to orchestrate their funny takes on pop songs included only hand-bells. Musically these are a bit off. But a big Jingle for Effort, guys. “I’m a Believer.”

Rock Parodies Made Merry: “Vibrations”

Disturbed genius Brian Wilson released “Good Vibrations” with his Beach Boys in late 1966 as a single. It explored extra sensory connections with girls (or was written on/about drugs) and rocked a theremin. It’s an overplayed classic/cliche that broke ground back in the day. It was difficult to dance to, so later we called it progressive rock.

Bob Rivers was a kooky DJ in New England who masterminded stunts like staying on air for 11 days to protest an Orioles’ losing streak. (He got fired for his parody song ‘Hyundai, Hyundai’ [cf. The Mamas and Papas ‘Monday, Monday’] because of the protests of a sponsor.) Once in Seattle he began his career of funny Christmas song parodies over several albums. He’s not the only DJ to do this, folks! But he’s good at it.

So check out his ‘paro-deus’ “Decorations.” I know you’re getting tired of them and dreading the take down….

Rock Parodies Made Merry: “19th”

The 1966 #1 hit from the ‘Stones (not Fred and Barney), “19th Nervous Breakdown” is perhaps best known from The Minions Movie of 2015. This ‘joke song’ written by Jagger and tuned up by Keith Rickards explains their mental state after touring the USA. Ha, millions of ha.

Our version today is by The ’60s Invasion, entitled “Here Comes Rudolph.” If you haven’t heard of these guys, you haven’t been to too many Long Island boomers’ parties. They are a big deal old timey rock cover band. And their sense of Xmas humor deserves your consideration.