Treermendous Holiday Fun: What the Ficus?!

I’m coming around to the idea that some of these Christmas Tree entitled songs are jumping on the log truck bandwagon and have nothing to do with celebrating the holidays after all.

Or i can’t tell what the sap they’re talking about.

But i like the songs.

Mattie D’s “Christmas Tree” overwhelms us with percussive urgency.

Mike Red & Rai P sample off the ‘Home Alone’ movies. “Christmas Trees” lays the angry rhymes down. BLUE ALERT

Word jazz accompanied by experimental jazz (it almost tells a story…) “Black Christmas Tree” somehow from Midget Handjob. Enter at your own risk.

Christmas Tree” from Romantic Beats may be trying to trick us, but the angelic distortion of pop music lulls me to confused submission. Ahhh.

Thinking about what passes for reality, Love Tractor claims “I’m Not Afraid of a Christmas Tree.” Latin psychedelia, so: hunh?

Under the Bodhi Tree torture their “Pink Christmas Tree” with grinding club rock. But what in the dickens is it?

Does anyone sing along with metal? Twitch’s “Christmas Tree” has an angry punk message (i think) but mostly keeps time (to me). You try it.

Ditto for amped punk. EXTREME BLUE ALERTChristmas Tree Farms” by way of Snag spews vitriol, and i guess some December framework.

180! Light gentle jazz pop from The Pearlfishers intoning some Rod McKuen-style poetic sloppiness with “A Christmas Tree in a Hurricane.” Like a musical intro for a ’80s sitcom.

Also tender, Borderline Beauty (which seems to associate the growth with peace) cries out for “Christmas Tree Without an Oh.” Folk rock on a mission to change the world through poetry.

Guy Capecelatro III has a concept album (Abandoned Christmas Trees) about existential angst which ticks off the Christmas boxes. “Chainsaw” is a folk charmer about failures. “Tinsel” bemoans our futility with experimental rock. Now go take drugs.

I even looked up the lyrics for “Barcarola (You Must be a Christmas Tree),” but it stumps me yet. Sufjan Stevens is the troubadour of trial and error.

Fun rock from Women’s Christmas who regale us with “Pissing in the Trees.” Not Christmas, p’raps, but a party song of enormous proportions.

Cardinal tells a song of hopeful love in “If You Still Believe in Christmas Trees.” Symphonic ’70s rock. No trees are discussed.

Underground blues from the UK, the chatty The Sensational Alex Harvey Band detail the crime spree gone bad in “There’s No Lights on the Christmas Tree Mama, they’re Burning Big  Louie Tonight.” I get the story, more than in The Stagger Rats cover, but why o why the tree?!

When the lyrics talk about losing all friends, i think i know the category for the song, but Vengaboys are so party-strange with Uncle John dying and reggae-disco beats… i give up. “Where did My Christmas Tree Go?” is for you to figure out.

Short and sweet Laura Watling’s “Christmas Trees in July” pop tinkles across the dance floor.

Jumping Through Fiery Hoops also coopts our topic oddly. “Working on a Christmas Tree Farm” is psychedelia with a folk bent and flashfast imagery to corrupt your status quo. Whoa.

I’ve listened to “Christmas Tree” by Bewitched Hands on Top of Our Heads several times and i know it’s about something, but i don’t care. Chorale rock. Art qua art, dudes.