Category: altrock

Let’s bring it down a pinch.

Mistletoe, like all the trimmings, symbolize all the glory and gaiety we can’t possibly live up to for that special time of the year. So it can bum ya out. Bad.

Forever the Sickest Kids (and you thought those bits on sitcoms about picking the band’s name were exaggerated) go alt-emo with “Mistletoe is for Quitters.” They’re trying to get in the mood, but are unequipped to do so. Still, melodic.

Continuing from our concerns over consumptive consumerism, some carolers counter the corporate coverage of Christmas. Cleverly now….

Posh Hammer add robotic irony to their drear tale of corporate takeover of the holidays. “A Very Corporate Christmas” bangs on like a dirge, but these kids have something to say.

“A Corporate Christmas Carol” by Charlie Reynardine & Michael G. Ronstadt lulls us with glorious harmonious pop folk. Afraid the kids win out, however, and these guys will buy their way through the brand names. (They win me back with their credits roll at the end of the video.)

Davids jolly up the joint with “CGI Penguins (An Anti-Corporate Christmas Song).” At least we have a song to sing along with while we throw shade on Coca-Cola.

Well, now we’re over you you you. December is like that. Gonna take out all my stress on your stupid face.

Commiserate with the JaJanoskians as they party anthem their middle finger with “All I Want 4 Christmas.” (Hint: it’s not you.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPfgf3imFYM

The best song to individualize the elf takes a single Santa’s helper out of context of his ride along job and puts him into a love-suffering outsider’s dilemma. Can he find his true one through the window? Perhaps The Rocket Summer’s title “Elf Creep” will foreshadow the outcome. Coolest peeping tom Christmas song ever.

Seal Smash delivers us the workers’ revolution. Apparently uniting sometimes requires firing squads, and flame throwing, and polar bear kamikazes. Stay for the automatic interlude. (The ho-ho-horror.) And the skating rink outro.

Okay, we’ve reached Labor Day on my calendar. This will be our 122nd such observance of the muesli that built this infrastructure, which predates the rest of the world’s May Day by 10 years. So there.

Are the elves satisfied without contract? Are they genetically disposed to such endless workloads? Do we care?

Try the manifesto “Elf’s Lament” by Barenaked Ladies. If BnL’s list of demands outlining indentured servitude without union doesn’t foment a face-to-face about conditions… well, i guess we’ll talk about violence as a means to an end later on. At least feel guilty about your long list, kids.

Now that we’ve been lectured on safe driving methods for the end of Dec. let’s deal with the worst case scenario.

Except some people think of auto wipeouts as having a silver lining. Take Larry the Cable Guy. Please. His “I Wish My Mother-in-Law’d Get Hit by a Car” is fine parody, but as it appears at the end of his Very Larry Christmas album in which he includes his obnoxious sign off. That’s a tragic accident.

You can look up all the vehicular parodies on ‘Grandma Got run Over’ yourself. They involve rednecks, a John Deere, a beer truck, a fork lift, and a Grand Marquis. Merry luck to you.

That’s enough of the horror of road wrecks, except The Rosenkranz seem to relish the idea of a nice “Car Crash for Xmas.” (This is presented as a cheerier alternative to the drudgery of life, family, and friends.) Their dreamy alt rock is very persuasive and i almost might want me one too.