Year-round Yuletide oddities
Are you laughing at the sexy times of Christmas in songs gone wrong?
Robert Taylor unabashedly lays into “Merry Sexmas” in a way that you wish he might learn the meaning of abash. A wild and crazy guy.
The Dan Band suddenly realizes that sex is the perfect gift in “I Wanna Rock You Hard This Christmas,” a fine power ballad of clueless charisma.
The holiday intercourse may be announced as fact. Surrender to the male imperative.
Poetically, Greg & Brian mix metaphors in the inuendo laden “Yule Log.” It’s down and dirty, but with a medieval dancing beat.
FunnyMike freestyles his “Merry Christmas” about what he’s going to do to specific body parts on you. There’s a rhythm method.
Will Nunziata (feat. Amy Fitts) embodies the Disney princess (cable sitcom verzh) who must have the sex in “Jingle Jingle: A Dirty Christmas Song.” Santa raps countrapoint to her pop lollying.
Reggie Watts levels with all y’all that “Christmas is for Fucking.” Sensual R+B rap. Get it on.
It’s no thing. Just sex. For Christmas.
Bantam Rooster plugs in to punk up “Let’s Just Fuck for Christmas.” He’s all shouty but still cool about it all.
One of the beauties about the hip hop culture is how mattafact it is. Mr. Crumbsnatcher proposes (in light rapping rhymes) “All I Want for Christmas is to Fuck Hella Bitches.” And that’s off the list.
It’s showtime! Bumping uglies! Making the beast of two backs! Sex!! Did i mean specifically Christmas sex!? In song?
Shall we proposition?
Habitual Sex Offenders do it wrong with “Please Douche Before Christmas.” Great rock chords, but 12 days of feminine hygiene products? No.
Vybz Kartel Radio plays some powerful Carrib parang-rap. I’m all in the mood from “Christmas Fck.” It’s persuasive.
Jack Douglass plays the fool for his jacksfilms but he’s a shrewd comic song and parody man. Check out his boy band tribute “Christmas Sex.” Say yes, girl.
Is this the end of Christmas sodomoy? I feel a but coming….
Garfunkle and Oates stretch the concept with “The Loophole” (aka ‘Fuck Me in the Ass ‘Cause I Love Jesus’). Is this Xmas-adjacent? It’s got X.
Before we go in the front door, back-door Santas everywhere would like to explore the possibility of anal penetration.
Glamazam has a short vocally pretty album of butt-sex songs leading off with “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Butt Sex.” Uhm, that’s far enough.
Kill the Band has played “Anal for Christmas” for us before. Butt it’s got a twist in the end.
George Washington Diarrhea wrassles doowop for “I Hope That I Get Anal for Christmas.” Earthy, full of innuendo (and begging), and the harmonica is a nice touch.
How long can these Christmas fellating songs last?!
Devastating Just Cause gets instructional and burlesque-y with his old-timey “I Want a Blowjob for Christmas.” Low blow humor… rim shot!
Zack Redman plays a showtune-inspired plea with “Blowjob for Christmas II.” Desperation lifts him to an alto.
Zack’s first go-around was more Motown with his “Blowjob for Christmas.” Nice production values, more melodic than pushy. This is nicer than most.
A lot of thought goes into a Christmas blow job, at least guys never stop thinking about it. So call out the reindeer: On Deepthroat, and Biter, and Blower, and Kissit; on Gobbler, and Hummer, and Sucker, and Chewedit. But have you heard this one?
Nocturnal Emissions seems to tip the junk to ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’ with their “Christmas Blow Job,” a finger-poppin’ pop rock song that argues the economics and practicality of the gift.
Jenny Talia answers the husband’s wish list with the resigned R+B rocker “Christmas Blowjob.” It’s a bit sad.
Matt Rogers puts the X in explicit with his ‘Jingle Bells’ whackoff: “Suck on My Cock.” This gets passed around quite a bit on the internet, if you’re wondering what the internet is for. I may have blushed myself.
Bill Clinton might be the one to ask about ‘the definition of sex,’ but i guess we’ll include them willies and bajingos for our search of Xmas sex songs. When a man and a woman eat each other very much… well, mostly the woman… well, listen:
Margaret Cho and Red Peters revisit us with “The Christmas Gift,” all jazzy and smokey and unzipped.
JR De Guzman shyly tries out the naughty words with “A Christmas Song, Sort of.” Soft club blues to put you in the mood–to laff!
The Beaver Boys get nostalgically retro rock with “It’s Christmas and You’re Sucking on My Balls.” Santa features significantly, and a bit rudely. But surely you’ll forgive his indiscretions given the lively jazz riffs.
What ELSE is in our stockings of perverted parodies for Christmas?!
To get you OUT of the mood, The Midnight Beast from UK sends up ‘All I Want’ with “How to Get a Xmas…” (fuck buddy). Not bad. Not Good.
Maci Sumcox gets twisty queen queer with “Fuckin’ Him by the Christmas Tree.” Brenda Lee would watch this.
Ron and the Rude Boys have that kind of party album with songs like “We Wish You a Hump at Christmas.” Boys cavorting with words they learned at school.
Thoughtful, but untalented, Vinceland dares us to “Let Us Fuck.”
Talented, but unconscionable, John Valby does up “Favorite Things” past the limit. (Mr. V has many more obscene Xmas funnies, but i can’t stand more than one at a time.)
Ordblid backtracks us to the “Horny Christmas” but metals ‘White’ nicely. Nicely twicely.
Kevin Bloody Wilson brings us back to Santa for the aw gee whiz “New Christmas Song.” Sing along if you have absolutely no scruples. Ew.
