Novelty Christmas Music

Been a comic book reader since 1966 or so. Collected way back when. Not much left. In fact, i’m not sure what superheroes are up to these days (apologies to my middle school drawing buddy, Ron). But you are what you read, and this title was there for the taking, so–

The X-Mens’ Xmas

Professor Christ-savior sent mental commands
For all elf and mutants to do what they can
To save the holidays from the greedy and damned
While wearing black and yellow for no reason.

   Scott's eyebeams led them through the snow and fog,
   Jean's telekinesis dropped gifts down flus,
   Iceman helped the sleigh travel through Florida,
   And Beast beat down the doors with no fireplace.

Then governments sent Sentinels to stop the joy
Making parents shop on line for every toy.
Another generation would needs must be deployed,
More mutants helped--once Magneto they destroyed.

   Collosus hefted furniture as gifts,
   Kitty Pride peeped though walls to see kids sleep,
   Nightcrawler 'bamf'ed the presents under trees,
   Wolverine killed Scrooge, The Grinch, and Hans Gruber, three.

The public turned against them, picketing the grounds,
And the Professor's killed--the seventh time around.
Future versions warned them: Yule's doomed as doomed can be,
So New Mutants used Warlock as a Christmas tree.

   Cannonball made quick work of deliveries,
   Sunspot powered up the sleigh--which had used wood,
   Madrox made multiples to fight The Tick's nemesis,
   Legion changed all reality to good.

Chock full o’ inside jokes. Which i may have gotten off base, as i was never a big fan of this romance comic turned anti-racist primer. Retro rock for this, a la Herman’s Hermits or sumpin’. (I think.) And if Disney/Fox wants to come after me for honoring this legacy’s early years… they know where to find me.

I have spended much of life in education. (Stopped pursuing a PhD, however, due to money and irrelevance.) Still a passion, viz: my toilet book at this time is a composition textbook i picked up in a little library. So this was more fun to pen.

Christmas College

At Christmas College
Yuletide knowledge 
Is more than arts & crafts.
All the classes
Are proactive
Although we're understaffed.

Your tuition
And ambition'll
Getcha'on the Dean's Nice List.
Bet you can't wait
To relocate...
This quad's the iciest.

You will choose from
Curriculums
That specialize in Yule.
Then you'll be graded
Or upbraided
Until you're supercool.

Graduation
To vocations
Can take four years or more.
Beyond that tour,
Grade school is for
Xmas warriors' armor.

[freeform]
Meet the undergrads!
Marjorie majors in magi studies...
Melvin minors in menorahs...
Tate takes Twelve Days in his spare time...
Inez interns in tinsel stenciling...
Carrie's curriculum is cookie crumbs...
Woodrow's workshopping wooden toys...
Babs has a lab in fab wrapping...
Eli's electives are Elvish...

[more freeform]
Here comes the staff!
The Grinch is Dean of Admissions--you ain't gettin' in!
Frosty's the faculty's frontman--but his doors're froze closed!
Krampus is big man on campus--yet his attendance's poor!
Rudolph is off on sabbatical--writing his memoir!
John McClane keeps your nose clean--as security!
George Bailey will make you believe--in student loans!
Heat Miser's your advisor--he's too much!
Santa sent yer semester grades--keep in touch!

Okay, i’m not sure what i meant by ‘freeform,’ it’s just that the alliteration took me over like a fit or something. Had to do it, Mother Matriculation. So… rap? I didn’t exactly work on the rhymes, but… white-boy rap?

This should’ve turned out more clever with lots of references to cuisine like Bûche De Noël, fruitcake, goose, mince pies… all that stuff. But i seem to have some grudge against family going on, so i just went with it. Sorry, relatives.

The Christmas Menu

[intro]
To please avoid anomaly
When entertaining family,
Remember this one homily:
Martha Stewart's not got shit on me.

Appetizers, best of all,
Keep guests from filling up on meats:
Chips and crackers with shovels,
And last year's bowl of rock-hard sweets.

Friends of Bill for cocktail hour?
Drown the vodka/gin with water,
Pickle juice in whiskey sours?
Eggnog's sweeter with Mylanta.

Cousins from the Everglades?
To keep from sitting where they please:
Placecards framed with razor blades
And bolt down chairs with expertise.

Entrees should be cut and dried
So everyone gets their fair share:
Might I suggest freeze-dried deep fried?
Or noodles full of footlong hair?

Desserts get complicated
Just ask for a simple head count:
For those not got their coats yet,
Release the right number of hounds.

[repeat intro as you like]

No apologies. It’s a song. It could be humorous to the right folk. Whatever floats your gravy boat. Ray Stevens style madcap country music? Robert Earl Keen ploddery? Gospel revival?

Sometimes a title occurs to a body in some dreamlike state. And maybe that’s enough. AKA throw enough words against a screen to see what sticks.

The Greatest Game of Christmas Hide ‘n’ Seek There Ever Was

The house was full of cousins
Around the holidays.
Too busy for our buzzin's
Folks said: Go out and play.

   We tweaked our plan that week
   To whilst the time away:
   A game of hide and seek,
   A true battle royale.

I hid behind the furnace...
It must have been two hours.
Then stakes got much more earnest
They hid our dog Bowser.

   It didn't seem too bleak
   (He's in the fold-away).
   This game of hide and seek
   Started to get real strange.

So when I hid their presents,
They hid my brother Tim,
But then I hid their parents--
To make them say I win.

   So never show you're weak
   When family comes to stay:
   Suggest some hide and seek
   And yell Yippee-ki-yay!

This just sounds like some movie pitch or something. I dunno. Might be an idea in there somewhere. Spooky kidsong music for it? Something gothic inspired?

I prefer Scrabble to crosswords, never much cared for the oh-so-clever clues. Full disclosure: i have never completed one of those New York Times puzzles on my own. I do like easier ones. So, this looks like misplaced aggression on my part, i suppose. Or some kind of fantasy. And a bit of agenda.

A Crossword for Christmas

When I say A-cross, I don't mean Christ,
I mean that grid in the New York Times;
It's best Sundays, or holiday-sized...
My crossword puzzle at Christmastime.

[chorus]
Let's keep the 'X' in our newspaper,
Which may fail due to costly labor.
Will Shortz developed us this favor,
For Christmas don't let it disappear.

"Mrs. Claus name" in just five letters,
Seven down is "Holy Monseigneur,"
A question mark means a play on words,
But the title is "Architect-cheer."

[chorus]

Pour the nog and put the timer on.
Let's fill it before the time is gone.
I won't look at crosswordsolver.com.
My morning ritual in ink... and done!

[chorus]

Not exactly snobbish, but this self-certainty might work best with a symphonic lead in and a pop/rock bridge. I’ll leave it to you.

That line from that 1949 song has engendered some debate: some think it’s about bullying frat traditions, some think it’s about team-building training exercises. But i figured we’d combine those two for a novelty song.

Reindeer Games

I challenge you to antler toss,
Or polo--played with bowling balls.
Now try corn hole up (a) buck's anus
Or fly your hooves for Quidditch-Claus!

[refrain]
Welcome to the Eighty-Seventh
Reindeer All Star Invitation-al;
Each major or minor event
Gets no honorable mention--y'all.

So check your stats and bet the odds
We love all competitions.
Except that one that was outlawed
...something to do with A-1 sauce.

[refrain]
This ain't your dad's Monopoly,
These feats of strength for all to see;
There's no time outs to be calling
With just one champion to be.

So get your hinds off my racecourse:
My best time is oh point oh four.
Your record jump will not beat ours--
With your ass we will mop all floors.

[refrain]
We're all a bit competitive,
But then we all are relative.
These games are not recreative
Because there's no alternative.

[Fading shouts]
The first rule of reindeer games...
Is you don't bitch about reindeer games...
To the death...
To the death...
To the death...
to the pain....

I tried (a little) NOT to get all redneck with vernacular and phonetic corruptions of language. But this might needs be psychobilly in musical genre. Or punk metal. Ad libs of call-outs may be added as whimmed (Donner’s going down! Vixen with all the fixin’s! Dash-yer hopes!… like that).

You sit to write a song, you look bored. You get up and wander around the ol’ domicile, you get ideas. Are they any good? Who knows!

Where Do You Store Your Ornaments?

After college I moved out with second hand stuff,
Never seemed to have food or plates or chairs enough,
But as the years grew long my shelves weren't up to snuff:
All my Christmas decorations jammed up my hutch.

[chorus]
The bulbs were crowded so they cracked,
The balls didn't last in a stack.
Fit that stuff in a box out back
Which molded 'til it all turned black.

Then I married and my decorations doubled;
So drew up some blueprints to construct a new shed.
Then kids started bringing home handmade junk misspelled...
We got taller trees, but were in over our heads. 

[chorus] 
Nutcrackers crowded 'til they cracked,
Candles didn't last in a stack.
Now so many boxes're out back
Moving them makes a heart attack.

Well, we never slowed up but collected beyond
Enough stuff to bejewel Godzilla AND King Kong.
Once we've our halls and gay apparel all re-donned,
We keep Christmas alive and displayed: All. Year. Long.

[chorus]
Garlands amassed until WE cracked,
The wreaths devour'd money stacks,
But here you know where you are at--
Pull up a sleigh and wear a Santa hat!

NOT based on a true story, God no. But, a family number? Kidsong? Not sure about that. Maybe grunge, or at least garage, would bring out the pissiness.

The obligatory weather alert song.

December Wind Go Take a Hike

How lovely, it's
Nearly Christmas
I have a wish...
And it's for us!
But then the cold 
Rears up its scold
And puts my goals
In a chokehold.

[chorus]
December wind
Go take a hike;
I'm not thin-skinned
I just don't like... December Wind!

No fireplace
Nor heating grates
Can save my face
From polar fate!
I need a hug,
A liquor jug,
Or tauntaun's gut
to keep me snug

[chorus]
December wind
Ste-als my breath,
Cuts skin like flint
'Til all that's left's... December wind!

Through ev'ry leak
I hear a shriek;
Wear frosty streaks
Across my cheeks.
Swaddled in coats
I make a toast
To the North Pole's
Most fatal ghost....

[chorus]
December wind,
Please take a break
Or frostbite wins!
...I'll never shake... December wind!

Not rap, not really. Not nearly exhaustively long enough for rap. I’m feeling more cowboy country. (Country rap?)

I put more thought than work into this one. Seemed like a clear, writes-itself conceit to me. Many of these criticisms are my own, others just fit the rhyme scheme.

What Your Favorite Christmas Movie Says About You

[intro]
The holiday seasons rolling around again
And you are going to watch 'Charlie Brown'... again,
Then 'Olive', 'Frosty', "Grinch', 'Rudolph', 'Mickey'--yes sir--
'A Year Without Santa Claus' to see Heat Miser.
You're in a rut each December for what to watch,
And your tradition says about you--such a lot.

If 'Miracle' is your go-to, you're old as dirt.
'Wonderful Life' is soothing for pitiful hurt.
'Chronicles' means you're queer for leather bear 'zaddies.
'The Grinch Who Stole' works best for who partake of weed.

The Hallmark Channel left on means you have no life.
'Love Actually' excuses your adultery.
'A Christmas Carol' unifies the ninety-nine,
Unless it has Muppets, then just enjoy--it's fine.

'Christmas Story' appeals to haters and riffraff.
But, fans of 'Home Alone' might be sociopaths.
'Krampus' and other horror means you hate Christmas.
'Jingle Jangle'/'Spirited' have woke agendas.

'Vacation' cheers the downtrodden's vicious revenge.
'Die Hard' fans want all to know they're Xmas-deranged.
'Elf' is (a) millennial's anthem to not grow up.
'Ernest Saves Christmas' did that first... without throw up.

[outro]
The holiday lineup has come and gone again
And you have stayed true to all your old traditions.
It's not like anything new is going to please,
So leave your personality in the deep freeze.
Or, if you want to really get a bellyful,
Hie to the cineplex for the Oscar hopefuls.

Okay, there are hundreds of Christmas movies. Not going to watch/judge ’em all. And the TV specials are a whole ‘nother category. I can see a rollicking pop tune to underly this. Some rock? Perhaps.