Royalty Free Lyrics “The Christmas Menu”

This should’ve turned out more clever with lots of references to cuisine like Bûche De Noël, fruitcake, goose, mince pies… all that stuff. But i seem to have some grudge against family going on, so i just went with it. Sorry, relatives.

The Christmas Menu

To please avoid anomaly
When entertaining family,
Remember this one homily:
Martha Stewart's not got shit on me.

Appetizers, best of all,
Keep guests from filling up on meats:
Chips and crackers with shovels,
And last year's bowl of rock-hard sweets.

Friends of Bill for cocktail hour?
Drown the vodka/gin with water,
Pickle juice in whiskey sours?
Eggnog's sweeter with Mylanta.

Cousins from the Everglades?
To keep from sitting where they please:
Placecards framed with razor blades
And bolt down chairs with expertise.

Entrees should be cut and dried
So everyone gets their fair share:
Might I suggest freeze-dried deep fried?
Or noodles full of footlong hair?

Desserts get complicated
Just ask for a simple head count:
For those not got their coats yet,
Release the right number of hounds.

[repeat intro as you like]

No apologies. It’s a song. It could be humorous to the right folk. Whatever floats your gravy boat. Ray Stevens style madcap country music? Robert Earl Keen ploddery? Gospel revival?