Santa Jobs: impersonator

Is Santa his real name? Is it Kris? Or Billy?

We may not ever know who this guy is.

Here are some guesses who he could actually be in his spare time.

Of course Bob Rivers has an opinion. He claims, in his best der Bingle, that “There’s a Santa Who Looks a Lot Like Elvis” down at the K-Mart store. Wait, who’s standing in for whom?

Ralph Garman similarly wonders who the real Marshall Bruce Mathers III is in his Kevin and Bean radio parody “The Real Slim Santa.” It’s a shady present no matter how you rap it.

Lee Stranger gets rock and revival with his electric “I Wanted Christ and You Gave Me Santa Claus.” Are you sure they’re two different people? I’ve never seen them together….

Santa Jobs: student

If out of work, Santa could pick up some training at the local community college, i’m sure.

But the consequences could be dire–

Herein lies the lesson: Casey McKinnon warns of the resulting nihilism often resulting from liberal arts classes in her bouncy fun pop tune: “Santa is an Atheist.” Well, he didn’t start out as one but, see, what happened…

Santa Jobs: litigator

If Santa loses his job, he probably got sued out of it. Maybe he should get more comfortable in a courtroom (not just on 34th Street).

As defendent, Santa also had to put up with dumb old Dr. Elmo who gratuitously stretched out his success of ‘Grandma Got Run Over’ with “Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants Off of Santa.” The Caribbean beat is a nice touch, but this is novelty by the numbers.

Bill Engvall paints his funny li’l ol’ redneck ditty “I’m Getting Sued by Santa Claus” to tickle your funny bone. Honestly, he spends more time on twangy country tuning than larf out loud wit. Singable.

Lawrence Savell has quite a little sidebar writing and singing about legal hijinx. His “I Dreamed I Saw Santa Working in the Library” is one of his better electronic folk numbers, though if you listen to it, he’ll probably bill you.

Santa Jobs: unemployment

If Big Nick ever picked another job, it would be because he was adventurous, whimsical, reinventing himself–right? Right?!

Surely that ol’ chimney skater wouldn’t ever simply LOSE his gift gig?

Titty Twister spins the sad yarn of Santa going homeless and his gang going criminal in “Santa Claus is Unemployed.” Smelly hair metal.

Jeremy Lister posits this worst case scenario with “Santa’s Lost His Mojo.” Fortunately this is only a cry for help, so all you rotten ingrates will appreciate him again. Enjoy his pop rocker but think about what you did.

Theocracy tells the story we don’t want to hear the night before: the economy dragged Santa down to the coal mines in their “All I Want for Christmas.” BTW all they want for Christmas, despite their hair metal, is ‘their old job back.’ Makes you think.

Odds Bodkin gets more serious with an old school folk protest song jollied up children-style. “The Takeover Before Christmas” does unwind an epic yarn, but make sure you’ve got arms on your chair to clench and an edge upon which to sit. Santa gets run out of work by Big Toy and forced into early retirement. But… keep listening… that Christmas magic isn’t done with our favorite fatman….

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Santa Jobs: mcjobs

Surely Santa would get a professional set up! He would never just get run out of the skills market!

Well, if you can dream it, Jimmy Fallon can joke-sing it. His “Santa Claus Got a Second Job” has fun with pop music but the message is too tragic to really dance to. Regrets come AFTER Xmas.

More appropiately, Warren Baker takes his lyrics off amiright.com and plugs them into a karaoke machine (to the tune of ‘Grandma Got Run Over’) with “Santa Dumped His Job, Now He’s a Cashier.” This is the low-class, piece of trash parody we expect for the topic.

Santa Jobs: lone ranger

Santa’s job is a lonely one, unless you get weird anthropomorphizing  those reindeer…

and if he had another guise, he would be well suited to a singular occupation out on his own.

I’ve covered Trucker Santa is some detail a couple months ago, so let’s turn to Cowboy Santa. Most little boys want to be one but not the other, why not the Sleigh-master as well?

Maybe cowboyism is just a hobby. Mike Jenkins sort-of sings “Santa and His Cowboy Sleigh” for children without an ear for music everywhere.

Charley Jenkins gets swinging with what-the-kids-might-say “If Santa Was a Cowboy.” It’s a fun danceable tune, but just ‘cuz he’s Texan–does that mean he’s gotta be into corporal punishment?!

Unconvincingly, Erik Alexander of Endless Hiway man-chants his version of country in “Santa is a Cowboy.” This booted-up version of ‘Night Before’ smells of barn.

In not quite a parody, Jackson Turner tells an involved I-hear-it-from-a-guy tale about how “Santa was a Cowboy.” It’s a gentle country ballad for listening next to a smoldering fireplace.

Red Sovine, that cool country western trucker singer, takes a shot at pinning down the kind of wrangler Santa is in “Santa Claus is a Texas Cowboy.” But i think someone put him up to it. Someone with lots of talentless children to sing back up. If they shoot like they sing, we’ll be safe.

Better (and more retro) is the over-orchestrated novelty “Cowboy Santa” by Larry Cartell. His Santa yodels too, but i believe he’s win the yodeling contest, this feisty fellow.

A lone fella with a guitar suits “Cowboy Santa” so much better for me. Neal harmonizes with Leandra for the chorus though, but despite a few fun word-plays his country tune brings me down. Seems that if Santa don’t stop messing around, Christmas will be ruent. I guess that’s more authentic country.

More mellow from back of the range Bill Lacey & The Ebonaires from Ebony Records 1959 mix guitar swing with doo wop harmonies in “Cowboy Santa Claus.” I hear the horse trotting in the tune, but it’s no hayburner.

The Prairie Ramblers harmonize nearly as well over the campfire for a more lively “Cowboy Santa Claus” (from Santa Fe this time). Now this is a Santa i’d watch in rollicking adventures before the feature film every Saturday at the moving picture show.

Santa Jobs: family guy

Perhaps in his down time, Master Bo-JingleBells is merely a husband, father, son(?), head of household.

Steve Roper and Mojo Nixon rock out “Santa’s Son & The Reindeer Rockers” as a cautionary tale of young rebellion. They’ll make up, don’t fret.

Jaye D Marie leans into a sultry version of “Willy Claus, Little Son of Santa Claus.” (Molly Bee’s 1952 kid’s novelty number). It’s more country and less adorable here. Still don’t like that brat, though.

George Rock fronts Spike Jones’s band with “Wouldn’t it be Fun to be Santa Claus’s Son?” Here’s the real story on nepotism up north. (Get this kid a copy of the Phaeton myth, stat!)

Working backward, we find the romance of the old couple via Mickey Rooney from the tired old tv special ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ which is itself an unnecessary sequel to the slightly better ‘Year Without Santa Claus.’ Not much of a song “Santa’s Wedding Day,” but i’ll include it for you old softies.

True love transforms the loving couple of every warm hearth (who celebrates correctly) into “Mr. and Mrs. Claus.” George Jones and Tammy Wynette aren’t the original couple, but they must have a similar twang.

Back up, buddy, “Santa is My Brother.” With this line the Bob Burton Band can stop any other Scandihoovian in the bar, i’m sure. This high energy polka is enough for me, though, these fella are the real deal, doncha know?

Santa Jobs: alternative (BLUE ALERT still)

Let’s get with the 21st and consider the LGBTQ alternatives! Is Santa stuck in a rut, or is he experimental at all?

Daveo Falaveo updates old heater Eartha with his “Santa Baby.” Seems to work–except the lip-sync (what song is that guy singing?!).

Just as predictably, Parody Dummy regales us with ‘funny’ falsettos and “Santa is Queer” (from Wham’s ‘Last Year’). Skip the first minute of pre-music. Or all of it.

Slightly funnier, but blessedly shorter, Larry the Cable Guy brings forth a 15 second “The First Queer Santy Claus” to the tune of ‘First Noel.’ Hee haw.

Wooden Steel belabors the comedy out of “Santa Turned My Boyfriend Gay.” This is presented as an ‘improv’ song. Un-improv-ed, if you ask me. Despite the tacked on gender empowerment, it stoops to poo poo.

Although Kip Addotta does this (it’s on the Big Dr. Demento Xmas Collection), i prefer Standstill’s “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus” ’cause it’s raw (appropriately punk) and has a Seinfeld reference. (Yes, i like it even more than RuPaul‘s throaty ur-diva bit.)

Much happier to out the old guy is Uncle’s Institution garage chortling “Santa Claus is Gay.” These polar scholars reel from tolerance to name-calling on some German TV show.

Too many of these songs have been repressed, so let me just add a couple more from my own collection  (despite their sad association of gay with pedophilia):

The Go-Go Boys are unabashed queer parodists. Off their album Gay Apparel Xmas Songs from somewhere in the ’90s check out “Chickenhawk is Coming to Town.” Fiendishly clever, with a jazzy piano.

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Unintentionally uplifting are The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies from a 1998 KROQ Christmas collection with “Butch the Gay Santa Claus.” It’s a party in your pants.

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