Xmas Tech Support: steampunk alternative

The Eternal Frontier tossed their stovepipe into the ring a couple years ago with Season’s GEAReetings from The Eternal Frontier, a pop EP album of ka-ching for you and you and you know who you are.

Theremin cues the horror-scifi in “100 Years of Christmas (She Melts Me),” which is more acid trip than Verne/Wells.

Steampunk Yuletide Ditty” is addressed to ‘steam-friends,’ and then kazoos. Retro rock that verges on metal, and then kazoos.

“Santa’s Making Time” is the time machine antics of Big Red. Soft rock.

Xmas Tech Support: Amazon

This Bellevue, WA online bookseller took 20 years to outpace Walmart as the biggest merchant in the USA. So, it’s a big target for novelty.

Just caving in and asking “C’mon Amazon” to make Christmas merry, Jennifer Knapp & Margaret Becker bypass Santa and go to the new source of present seeking. Jazzy folk.

Byron Trimble gets down with some gospel soul to beseech “Amazon Santa” to make every wish true.

Oompah tuba enlivens the surrender jazz for Rachel Harvey Hill’s “Merry Amazon Christmas.” She rhymes ‘enjoyment’ with ‘toilet’ though. Thought you should know.

Overenunciated jazz (sounds like Sesame Street to me) defuses “It’s an Amazon.com Kind of Christmas.” Sounds pretty good, Dana Countryman.

‘Stupid’ video maker Lukes Brain Chunks presents persona Winston the Elf to lift up the business with “The Amazon Prime Christmas Song.” Peppy pop about unemployment, but great bargains.

Heavy metal interrupts our regularly scheduled silliness for the social commentary “Amazon Ruined Christmas.” I think Atombuzz’re mad.

Butch Ingram gets a jungle beat for “Amazon Stole Christmas (And chased Santa Away).” Sassy retro R+B fun, where the point is–to swing and sway.

Xmas Tech Support: Wikipedia

Whereas if you use Google you get ads; if you use Wikipedia to research you get whatever fabrication it amused the last contributer to append.

Worth repeating are Bill & Sam’s “Kwanzaa Song” just to teach you the evils of the computers and leisure time.

“Wikipedia Chanukah” samples Leonard Nimoy for Jonathan Coulton’s own comedic means to explain the history of this Jewish holiday. It adds his usual puckish electronica for full play. Not a song. But hella fun.

Xmas Tech Support: Google

The nights are long, the computer is bright. What will you look up to pass the time around Xmas?

“The Ballad of Michael Caine” is barely a Christmas song, but it’s on a lovely Christmas album from Tony Thaxton. And it’s what we all do, but now it’s to pop folk.

Xmas Tech Support: internet

The World Wide Web is basically the world today. Can’t live without out it. It’s the door opening to the singularity. Let’s go in!

Dot Com All Ye Faithful” is that old fashioned parody that still thinks online services are just for shopping. The Christmas Pranksters aren’t nearly as menacing with their prophecy as they think from 2009.

If it’s on the internet is it real? Time to rewrite that letter, Virginia, ‘cuz “(I’m Only an) Internet Santa” is the jazzy easy listening supposition from Cybercats. 30 year old glee club sound, so pretty chill.

Skooma Cat reveals the gloom and doom of those who celebrate “Christmas on the Internet.” Hard driving lonely guy pop. Plug in, turn on, unfocus.

Domain 7 parties out electronica-ly with “Merry Christmas, Internet.” Most all the latest fads are noted here for you to dance to: ‘they put that Rudolph on the Doodle.’ Get download, get fun-keyboard.


Xmas Tech Support: email

A handy dandy means of communique since the 1970s (for some), the elctronic-mail didn’t quite bury the USPS but it has become the default unfiltered word vomit for our age. Whatever you think–there it is! (It’s replacement is in the works.)

Rosie O’Donnell’s “I’m Gonna Email Santa” actually was a cover (duet) of little Billy Gilman’s hit(?) from 2000, aka “Santa.com.” Gareth Pritchard adds the honky tonk.

More giggly silly children’s drek from some Broadway lyricist sung by 13-year-old Kara Oates (voice of Dora the Explorer), “S.A.N.T.A. Dot Com” is all show tune (piercing, man, piercing).

Even worse is the so-called precociousness of Treypac McKaughan, who at not-quite-three, squalls “I Wrote an Email to Santa Claus.” I hope he asked for ADHD treatment.

Son of Hog gets the snotty kid routine down with “I’ll Just Send an Email to Santa,” a bouncy beerhall twist of sarcasm we can all sing along to.

Xmas Tech Support: fax

The future was ours in the ’80s with pagers and home videogames and… the telefacsimile. Now, like in Star Trek, messages could be beamed through wires to be recreated onto what seemed like paper for a lucky recipient miles away. Only a dollar five per page at the Kinkos to get that info to your landlord–don’t forget the cover sheet.

Some 1990s school assembly song touted this wild technology with pop dance party disco in “Fax the Facts.” It’s not your father’s letter to Santa!

Xmas Tech Support: GPS

The Global Positional Satellite system is more military development we have co-opted for our own miserable little lives. Sorry, but the masses are so greedy and will twist all the killing tech for mod cons. You know how you are.

Santa’s Solar Sleigh” is Bryant Oden’s Songdrop’s kidsong to caution us about abandoning traditions (Rudolph) for the convenience of new stuff–like laser lights and GPS. Blame it on Santa’s brother, Bob.

Amateur front room murmuring from Suzanne Bautista also bewarns that when “Santa’s Got a GPS” then something something something.

The Krimas Kookies get barbershop quintet country for their “Santa’s Got a Garmin.” (If you’re not sure what that brand is for, perhaps a scary commercial will help you out.) Turns out the doddering oldster needs help finding your insignificant person for gifts. Hokums up with this stuff?