Month: December 2019

Xmas Tech Support: computers

Computing devices have been around since the Bible (when was that?!), but the electro-version that has become our beneficent overlord kicks out in the 1930s (thanks, WWII). Most every bit of tech we will concern ourselves with in our little timeline hereafter is some weird descendant of this mechanical thinking apparatus. So let’s sing!

Brian Gari admits “I Want a Computer for Christmas” with retro shu-bop rock naming all the components, cuz it’s funnier that way.

Joe Algeri has a precious folk/pop ode to “Computer Xmas.” I dig the dial-up intro, psychedelic outro, and can’t-turn-off-the-drum-machine interlude. Dynamite stuff.

Xmas Tech Support: atomic aside

Not precisely a means of wishing Merry Christmas, the splitting of the atom still added a chilly air to all humankind. At least o couple of songs celebrate this big bother for the holidays.

Oh, sure, there’s ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic with the 1986 novelty standard “Christmas at Ground Zero.” This jump jazz still holds up the humor standard even after excessive plays.

Perhaps you could try the nihilistic minimal pop of Goop, instead. “Nuclear Xmas” is the Devo-tastic tune that electronically gets us bobbing and clapping to Armageddon. ‘Nuff said.

Xmas Tech Support: television

Where would Christmas be without television? In the home, individual, special. Instead, we have the homogenized milky white dreams that all see when we close our eyes. Ahh, America.

Oh, i’ve supplied you with Xmas on TV type songs before. There’s always a couple more….

The Skootles point out (with alt-jingle bell) that “Christmas on TV” is not the same as reality. It’s rather soothing, think i’ll just turn my mind off for a minute–

Justin Lacy serenades us in that’s-not-quite-english folk with a hope for better. He wants a “Christmas on TV” then it’ll all be better. Then he woke up.

Xmas Tech Support: technicolor

The Twentieth Century begins with tweaking and developing the great inventions of the last century. Hence we jump ahead a few years. Adding color to motion pictures begins in the 1910s, but Technicolor (as a trademark) takes another decade.

Tommy & The Greyhounds are actually emphasizing something culturally significant in “It’s a Technicolor Christmas When You’re Jewish.” See, the cinemas are more empty on the 25th of December and some (chosen) people get them all to themselves. Ragtime folk fun.

Xmas Tech Support: jukebox

Not many years later, coin operated machines played the hits as those with silver selected them. (Although the first ones may have only unlocked the machinery so you could crank it yourself.)

Andy Beck and Brian Fisher continue to churn out the elementary school assembly holiday pageants with their “Jingle Bell Jukebox,” a jazzy fast-paced showtune for very high voices.

Xmas Tech Support: phonograph

Still not to the 20th C with the advent of the gramophone and the oppo to hear full orchestration in the parlour at home whenever you feel like it.

The 1920s made the recorded platters more available with all that easy money of the Jazz Age. 1922 drops Edward Hare with “Santa Claus Hides in the Phonograph” a speech to amaze the wee ones. More of a song (mad rhymes anyway) from Harry E. Humphrey with “Santa Claus in Your Phonograph.” Both of these overlong demos end with actual music (Hare’s with ‘JBells’; Humphrey’s with a lively musicbox tinklefest–and mad laughter).

The Mangles deliver a “Turntable Under the Tree” with a punk ‘billy rock collection for all your audiophile needs. I’m goin’ ’round and ’round, too, catchin’ up with their twistin’ list of playables.

Xmas Tech support: telegram

Next up, radio signals into print!

Not too much Morse code or telegram songs for Christmas.

From a couple years ago, a cartoon special that was never made became a stage play, ‘A Tigglemeister’s Christmas.’ To wit: Santa’s best toymaker, Sniggle Tigglemeister, left the North Pole long ago, though no one seems to know why. With Christmas fast approaching, Santa’s toy supply is coming up short, so he sends a telegram to Sniggle begging him to return. But someone at the North Pole doesn’t want Sniggle back. As the entire quirky Tigglemeister clan makes its way north, head toymaker Hans Grumpleheimer will stop at nothing to lead them astray. Here’s the “One Loathsome Telegram,” the crux to the plot!

Xmas Tech Support: radio

Wireless is magic! Like Santa! Radio connections are made well before 1900, so maybe the songs here might sound a wee bit old fashioned.

Pop music sounds way been-there done-that to me. Olivia Newton John loves “Christmas on the Radio.” She’ll even throw in a doowop or two. But it’s modulated mainstream.

Finding Favour instills more funky soul (and God) into the bluegrassy folk of their “Christmas on the Radio.” It’s third degree nostalgia.

Xmas Tech Support: telephone

Blasting into the Nineteenth Century the latest whadjamajiggit will allow us to communicate Christmas better.

Why the ‘phone might even replace the postals for catalog ordering! “555-Ho! Ho!” from Hal Willis is the country comedy that gets some to knee slapping. It’s sad, it’s funny, it’s uplifting, AND it’s pretty stupid, too.

Many moons later the idea of a telephone connection is taken pretty much for present. When separated “Christmas on the Telephone” may be the only exchange possible. Thus, saggy smeary pop tunes like Brian Gari’s.

And if you won’t even call… “Christmas by the Phone,” a rock driving country womper of heartbreak from Good Charlotte.

Somewheres over a century ago was recorded “I’ll Telephone to Santa Claus” as sung by Stanley Kirkby on Edison Blue Amberol cylinder 23315, 1914. Get a quiet corner to hearken, children, to the tinny timpani of antique jazz band.

Xmas Tech Support: printing

We may have touched upon Christmas cards last time, but it was the authoring of such. Now let’s deal with Gutenberg’s great grandchildren.

I Greyhound (and others) get together and relive the ’90s with their growly blues rap “Christmas Catalogue Blues.” There was a time when the mailbox at the curb was full of junk, not just your emailbox. This is good stuff.

Captain Sensible, co-founder of UK punk band The Damned, stretched out solo style to hit with a cover of the ’40s tune ‘Happy Talk,’ followed a couple years later with “One Christmas Catalogue.” (Only No. 79 on the Brit charts.) This actually, very gently, criticizes consumerism with sprightly pop music. A Something Awful contributor Adnachiel parodied this at s-l-o-w speed.