A ’90s gang of Philly musicians joined warped minds to skewer Christmas music. They took a while to rise above door-to-door cassette sales, but i highly recommend you lay your hands on whatever Hot Buttered Elves released, regardless of roster.
“Coal” is their 11 minute opus (apparently in several parts) about the ins and outs of striking black rock for the holidays. At times instrumental (haunted symphonic) at others experimental club (haunting beat poetry). Grab a cup o’ joe and settle back for this one. It’ll take you places you never dreamt. See you on the other side.
What’s Santa Claus do in his down time? Break broncs? Soap his saddle? Stare out into the wilderness until guided to his bedstead by those who care?
A sinister image, the red rider bearing down on you with his sack. “Far from the North Pole” is odd madness from Death Tongue that collapses one mythology into another. Just my cup of Glühwein.
Even more ‘Something Awful’ “Santa and Them Ingin Mans.” This spoken word acid trip from Lifepuzzler (feat. Stalwart Betamax) delivers the greatest gift of all: absurdity. (Well, racial tolerance, actually.)
Are you ready to party? ARE. YOU. READY! TO. PARTY!? Crank IT!
Just kidding.
Some parties are just so middle class, so slow-paced, so–so OLD that, well, it’s not like a party at all.
Snoresville from Mick J Clark. “It’s Christmas Party Time” has more musical guest chatter than it has pop melody, and i LIKE tubular bells.
Sam Scola has a headache-inducing bit of pop puffery with “The Christmas Party.” Give that tambourine a rest, man.
Hypnotically, Desk Jockeys trundle out a “Christmas Party (Dance Mix)” like an alt-cocktail lounge pop slow dance number. Line up by height!
Millennially ironic merriment from Chloe Rabideau and David Vukovich. But “Christmas Party Song” is so alt-low key that the back-patting wide-grinning love fest gives a round of applause to the line ‘Share the love.’
Just as quietly boisterous, Dr. Dog has a “Christmas Party” with ’60s psychedelic influences that oohs and ahhs with liquid serenity. It’s more lay the carpet than raise the roof.
So he didn’t walk out on you, he passed on from you. Still a rough candy-cane strewn holiday road doing without.
[Momentary digression to mother-issues: Bud Davidge suffers to figure out “Christmas Without Mama.” Lilting country catastrophe.]
[And, oh holy yeah, “There’s No Christmas Without You” Kirk Franklin and The Family soul/gospel up the dead Jesus reason for the season.]
Everything But the Girl has an alt-folk soft lilt to their loneliness that smacks of mortal grief. But “25th December” is more than eulogy. It’s a poetic remembrance of loss that doesn’t belong in my categories of sadness or blues. This hurts so good.
Mark Arnett has a true eulogy over his love. But it’s SANTA mourning MRS. CLAUS. What the actual folklore? “I Miss You Most at Christmas (Now that You are Dead)” is a ’70s psychedelic ode that starts you scratching your head, then gets you bobbing, then swaying. Go with it.
I still pat myself on the back for that post group title about all the different creatures and the holidays. Some of the strangest songs ever were found for this taxonomy. Let’s sample more.
Starting with the basics “Cockroach Christmas” is a family beer barrel polka from Lou and Peter Berryman about how you can be the Santa for the less vertebrate.
More miss than hit, “We Wish You a Bloody Squidmas” from Rathergood.com gets all Cthulhu with threatening flaying from the Christmas critter in question.
“Festus the Christmas Crab” is a valiant folk effort from Gus Gregory, but his bathroom acoustics are only slightly worse than his sodden lyricism.
Hipwaders get with the program with their krazy kidding kidsong “Christmas Vicuna.” Bachata corrido, muy bueno.
Riffing on the 1984 Band Aid sensation, Fortress of Attitude raises awareness with “Dogs Don’t It’s Christmastime.” Feed the daw-ogs!
The other kind of children’s music is the repetitive silliness of Brian Kinder’s “Kitty Kitty Christmas.” Wotta a mess for adults to clean up! His “Mooey Christmas” is a bit better. Bit o’ wit.
Grumpy Cat presents Cats Across America with the playful pop number “It’s Hard to be a Cat at Christmas.” Something to do with not getting enough presents.
More crazy, Kristin Key child pops “Christmas Kitty” to the fringe of sanity. I can nearly smell it.
Dr. BLT shuffle sfx to intro “Christmas on the Farm.” Then he gets down, gets funky. Wait for the fun. Red State Update gets right to the noises with their own “Christmas on the Farm.” Sounds like chores, t’me. Farmer Jason’s back with mariachi brass and foggy mountain bluegrass square dancing out “Christmas on the Farm.” Some mutts mentioned, but this is all about the party.
Not enough! Three Day Threshold & Summer Villains get kidsong with their list demanding “I Want a Zoo for Christmas.” Folk fun that smells.
A post-punk set-up from Flaming Lips in “Christmas at the Zoo.” I got agenda for Xmas, whadju get?
And then, tragedy. Bad things happens all year round. When associated with 12/25, Christmas stinks.
Such a tale of woe from The Bob and Tom Show, “I Hate Christmas” is the fate worse than death. But funny, y’know. BLUE ALERT
Perhaps this is the end of a particularly abominable year. David Lea descends into madness with his “Happy Christmas” pop celebration. Don’t you go that way. Not you.
“Death to the World” has been on the blog before. H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society knows how to hate on Christmas. Submit.
Back to the goons of Something Awful. Thaumocrates delivers “Last Christmas”–not as nostalgic Wham! whimsy, but as the ever lovin’ Armageddon. No more Christmasses–that’s all, folks! Experimental psychedelia over ‘Carol of the Bells.’
Classic folk often itemizes ad nauseum some overwrought business (lots of lyrics). So Kirmas Kookies get verbal with their old school “Lovely Christmas Sweater.” Left-handed complimenting.
Make it a contest! Deidre Flint (get this) gets ‘Rawhide” with the office rules and restrictions over who can wear what when. “The Christmas Sweater” is always closing.
Schoolkid musical number from Hal Leaonard Music “My Christmas Sweater” calls the thing ‘atrocious,’ but falls in love with it. Oh, yeah: Beauty and the Beast! Pop by way of classic RnR.
Also chorally juvenile, “Ugly Christmas Sweater” is so peppy fun that the epithet is a term of endearment. Thanks to Jill Gallina for making it okay for kids to name call.
One more childish back and forth: could that be Plank Road Publishing (Ed. note: how embarassing, it’s John Riggi (Music K-8)) for “Ugly Sweater“? It might be Puccini. Grand stuff.
A secret love affair for The Yule Lads’ “Christmas Sweater.” Motown jazz rock randomizes their psychedelic love affair with this wearable.
Undressing comes later, but 2 Live Jews tweak ‘Santa Coming to Town’ with decades old topical celebrity burns in “Don’t Get Caught With Your Pants Down.” (Heidi Fleiss, anyone?)
Mr. Weebl gets us back on trousers with “Christmas in My Pants.” Oh, that’s thinly tented euphemism for sexy times. Oh!
Bob Kulhan’s alter ego Bing Faithful group-raps “Christmas Hot Pants” to hot up the holidays. (It’s actually non-denominational–Wow.)
In order to dance, The Withers recommend you get on your “Christmas Pants.” Minimalist industrial experimental, just like the pants i’m wearing right now.
