Waiting for Weird

It doesn’t feel like any other time of anticipation: not for taking your MCATs, not for getting pulled over, not for losing your virginity… waiting for Xmas is a uniquely great expectation. So let’s explore the underrepresented in music.

A Christmas musical so odd MST3K spoofed it, ‘Christmas That Almost Wasn’t’ ends with the song “Nothing to Do But Wait,” wherein shopkeeper Sam (Paul Tripp) with Santa hold their breaths hoping the children will save the holiday. Showtune anger. I guess. YOU describe it then.

Hard banging garage whispering “Can’t Hardly Wait” weirds me out. Soft or hard? Good or bad? BIG HIT, help me understand.

Proper sitar psychedlia from Dimentia 13 melts your apprehension into a world without time. “Christmas Comes to Those Who Wait” must be consumed in a neutral-colored place of comfort with friends near by.

Late addition recommended from Pete the Elf: the 1958 kookiest entry from Tommy Christy “All are Waiting for Christmas.” The skinny and fat ones. too. AKA ‘The Christmas “Name” Song,’ ‘cuz he calls the kids names… For kidsong that’s really yikes!

Electronic psychedelia volleys the oddity into your court. Brad & Barry make “I Can’t Wait for Christmas Time” feel like i can’t wait for the ketamine to kick in. Whoa.

A Near Thing -29

So, i guess, kids music is crap. At best it’s an earworm of clapping and shouting, but it strikes me too often as condescending overexplanation. No wonder kids rebel younger every year. Like mini-Robespierres, they want their turn in the power chair telling even littler ones whassup.

So, the worst of kidsong sounds like… The Wiggles. This Australian ’90s sensation indoctrinated children to marshmallow versions of music genres, so they wouldn’t know jazz if it fell on them. Here “Wags, Stop Your Barking! It’s Almost Christmas Day!” (feat. Barry Williams) devalues rock below dadrock into Disney levels of showtune.

More traditionally pablumatic, Mr. Ray & The Little Sunshine Kids feature a sound Kim Jong Un would smile at: chorussed Christmas spirit with every voice fulfilling its joyful duty. “It’s Almost Christmas” is the formula, not that’s there anything right with that.

Retro fun comes with the exercise workout percussive workout from Hilary Henshaw “Christmas is Nearly Here.” Gather round all the ADHDs to drill. The unintentional irony helps.

Serious show tune gets me in the mood (except for how all the songs sound the same), so a moment for a well done Sesame Street melody from Elmo and Sheryl Crow “It’s Almost Christmas” (the title being basic the entire lyric for the singing).

What gets me up in the morning, though, is the rando existential playfulness of “Yell It Out! (It’s Almost Christmas).” The childishly affected mushmouthing, the jazzy improv tambourine, the wandering train of thought–that’s anticipation for the BIG Day! That’s what that is all right.

Mall World: i give up

The question of the mall Santa sometimes becomes the canvas across which various artists paint, piss, posture, or otherwise pontificate. I don’t pretend to understand the themes you are about to encounter.

Starving Millions (blue alert) beat metal for their “Mall Santa.” Huh?

Divine Right warble garage with their “Mall Santa.” Pardon?

The ever rando Darlene Como ethereally stumbles up into “Santa’s Lap Cookies.” And for that we WTF you.

ël-No, the first

No gifts–how ’bout just NO CHRISTMAS?! Hell no, you say?

Imagine there’s no holidays; it’s easy if you sing….

Bassist for The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Noel Redding walks us through the hinter(wonder)land of naughts with “No More Christmas” It’s all the psychedelic folk you’d expect from this master blaster. Gives me the munchies.

Baby It’s Coal: the opera

A ’90s gang of Philly musicians joined warped minds to skewer Christmas music. They took a while to rise above door-to-door cassette sales, but i highly recommend you lay your hands on whatever Hot Buttered Elves released, regardless of roster.

Coal” is their 11 minute opus (apparently in several parts) about the ins and outs of striking black rock for the holidays. At times instrumental (haunted symphonic) at others experimental club (haunting beat poetry). Grab a cup o’ joe and settle back for this one. It’ll take you places you never dreamt. See you on the other side.

Yee Haw-liday: cowboy Santa

What’s Santa Claus do in his down time? Break broncs? Soap his saddle? Stare out into the wilderness until guided to his bedstead by those who care?

A sinister image, the red rider bearing down on you with his sack. “Far from the North Pole” is odd madness from Death Tongue that collapses one mythology into another. Just my cup of Glühwein.

Even more ‘Something Awful’ “Santa and Them Ingin Mans.” This spoken word acid trip from Lifepuzzler (feat. Stalwart Betamax) delivers the greatest gift of all: absurdity. (Well, racial tolerance, actually.)

And a Party in a Pear Tree: the opposite of headbanging

Are you ready to party? ARE. YOU. READY! TO. PARTY!? Crank IT!

Just kidding.

Some parties are just so middle class, so slow-paced, so–so OLD that, well, it’s not like a party at all.

Snoresville from Mick J Clark. “It’s Christmas Party Time” has more musical guest chatter than it has pop melody, and i LIKE tubular bells.

Sam Scola has a headache-inducing bit of pop puffery with “The Christmas Party.” Give that tambourine a rest, man.

Hypnotically, Desk Jockeys trundle out a “Christmas Party (Dance Mix)” like an alt-cocktail lounge pop slow dance number. Line up by height!

Millennially ironic merriment from Chloe Rabideau and David Vukovich. But “Christmas Party Song” is so alt-low key that the back-patting wide-grinning love fest gives a round of applause to the line ‘Share the love.’

Just as quietly boisterous, Dr. Dog has a “Christmas Party” with ’60s psychedelic influences that oohs and ahhs with liquid serenity. It’s more lay the carpet than raise the roof.

WAR? what?!

More meanings for War on Christmas inclue The Vietnam War. (Hang on, let me reread that.)

Dogless flashes back with “Nixon’s War on Chrimbus,” a psychedelic whirligig of tribute to the forgotten generation. What, me worship?

EX-Mas, dead+gone

So he didn’t walk out on you, he passed on from you. Still a rough candy-cane strewn holiday road doing without.

[Momentary digression to mother-issues: Bud Davidge suffers to figure out “Christmas Without Mama.” Lilting country catastrophe.]

[And, oh holy yeah, “There’s No Christmas Without You” Kirk Franklin and The Family soul/gospel up the dead Jesus reason for the season.]

Everything But the Girl has an alt-folk soft lilt to their loneliness that smacks of mortal grief. But “25th December” is more than eulogy. It’s a poetic remembrance of loss that doesn’t belong in my categories of sadness or blues. This hurts so good.

Mark Arnett has a true eulogy over his love. But it’s SANTA mourning MRS. CLAUS. What the actual folklore? “I Miss You Most at Christmas (Now that You are Dead)” is a ’70s psychedelic ode that starts you scratching your head, then gets you bobbing, then swaying. Go with it.

ReduXmas: Manger Management

I still pat myself on the back for that post group title about all the different creatures and the holidays. Some of the strangest songs ever were found for this taxonomy. Let’s sample more.

Starting with the basics “Cockroach Christmas” is a family beer barrel polka from Lou and Peter Berryman about how you can be the Santa for the less vertebrate.

More miss than hit, “We Wish You a Bloody Squidmas” from Rathergood.com gets all Cthulhu with threatening flaying from the Christmas critter in question.

Festus the Christmas Crab” is a valiant folk effort from Gus Gregory, but his bathroom acoustics are only slightly worse than his sodden lyricism.

Red State Update showcases an animal impressionist who complains “I’ve Got to Give Up Bird Things This Christmas.” Sad kidsong, but hopeful in a twisted way.

Hipwaders get with the program with their krazy kidding kidsong “Christmas Vicuna.” Bachata corrido, muy bueno.

Riffing on the 1984 Band Aid sensation, Fortress of Attitude raises awareness with “Dogs Don’t It’s Christmastime.” Feed the daw-ogs!

The other kind of children’s music is the repetitive silliness of Brian Kinder’s “Kitty Kitty Christmas.” Wotta a mess for adults to clean up! His “Mooey Christmas” is a bit better. Bit o’ wit.

Grumpy Cat presents Cats Across America with the playful pop number “It’s Hard to be a Cat at Christmas.” Something to do with not getting enough presents.

More crazy, Kristin Key child pops “Christmas Kitty” to the fringe of sanity. I can nearly smell it.

Farmer Jason is Hee Haw Ho Hum, but he admits “All I Want for Christmas (Is a Punk Rock Skunk).” To help round out the farm, i guess.

Dr. BLT shuffle sfx to intro “Christmas on the Farm.” Then he gets down, gets funky. Wait for the fun. Red State Update gets right to the noises with their own “Christmas on the Farm.” Sounds like chores, t’me. Farmer Jason’s back with mariachi brass and foggy mountain bluegrass square dancing out “Christmas on the Farm.” Some mutts mentioned, but this is all about the party.

Not enough! Three Day Threshold & Summer Villains get kidsong with their list demanding “I Want a Zoo for Christmas.” Folk fun that smells.

A post-punk set-up from Flaming Lips in “Christmas at the Zoo.” I got agenda for Xmas, whadju get?