Behold a Star: Winona Ryder

Winona Laura Horowitz had her ’90s in the sun. Her over publicized brush with the law right after her Hollywood sidewalk star let everyone know she was complicated package. Her recent return to cable TV (‘Stranger Things’) has let her play her own messed up self to some acclaim.

Fake Shark Real Zombies has a lovely tango number “Winona Ryder Hates Christmas,” but it’s all conjecture. I’m sure she’s a perfect hostess.

Drink N.B. Merry: nog7

Drinking Christmas from now on is all booze, hooch, and spirits.

Eggnog fully loaded is the beginning of some memorable holiday get-togethers.

Starting out philosophically and stuck with rum, The Morning Squirrels keep one eye on the TV when they explain “The Eggnog Song.” Some killer guitar folking, but mind the memes boys.

Jumping ahead Canned Hamm can barely string their psychedelic pop lyrics together for “Rum and Eggnog.” Head hop holly humping huh what did he say.

Whiskey now for The Rockin’ Guys’ “Eggnog.” Hard, but southern, rocking about the aftermaths of dysfunctional family drinking.

Erica Perry twangs a bit ‘billy with her “Whiskey in My Eggnog.” Not so far gone yet, but anticipating going that far. Girl can sing.

For a change of taste Michael Hackbart, Maurice Johnson, and Elliot Live serve up “Vodka Eggnog.” Dissing whiskey results in some fun rhymes. These are nearly talented, sassy entertainers. I have to give it up for tart over talent.

Sweet Christmas! fruitcake 7

And now the least worst of the fruitcake songs. The nut-laden finale–until we move on to the most popular baked Christmas sweet of them all.

Rum cake gets boxed in here, best portrayed in riddim by The Barefoot Man’s “Rum Cake.” Hic! Nearly is impressive is’s “Rum Cakes.” Hypnotetically repetitive. And folky. Also mercantiley Lisa of Lisa’s Rum Cakes sings “Lisa’s Rum Cake Song” as a commercial for her seasonal product. Okay.

Back to our featured baked good.

12Stone Worship offers up Xian young men of the hiphop persuasion to praise the Christmastide, while side slamming our target with “Spread Love, Not the Fruitcake.” Fresh (yeah, without the exclamation point, tha’s wha-yime-sighin’). Big mixedmedia finish, though.

I’ve already squiched in Lauren Mayer’s “The Fruitcake That Ate New Jersey.” That was more than a year ago, so another song-story-time for this overbaked orchestration.

Finally a song parody about fruitcake! Master comic-caroler Dave Rudolf growls out “Fruitcakes for Christmas,” to ‘Silver Bells’ elvis style. Okay, mostly fun.

Pretty as twinkling lights is 1000 Clowns mellowly rapping “I Hate Fruitcake” available from all i can tell only on the KROQ Christmas fund-raiser. I don’t begrudge the boys hate when they sing like angels who were high.

Merry Mistletoe: hiphop BLUE ALERT

Rap starts out as scat, right? Louis Armstrong? How about Koreans playing around. eSNa have a “Mistletoe” song that borders on rap. No, what do YOU think?

New the Pharaoh gets the real rap on stage with “Mistletoe.” Female exploitation ensues. And profanity. And carrying on.

Secret wanders around the party to make arrangements with his babe. “Mistletoe Song” is the softer side of rap. He’s going to woo the woman.

T-Rock dopes the rock with “Smokin’ Mistletoe.” It’s flyin’.

Christmas List: items twenty-four (what else)

Could we have overlooked anything?

Holey Moly yes.

Family – “That’s What I Want for Christmas” by li’l orphan Shirley Temple. It’s from some heart-tugger.

A job – “All I Want for Christmas is a Job” by le Ukulélé Club de Bordeaux (worst audition video ever–WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) and by Below the Surface (parole plea?).

A black president – MC Overlord. Ahh, nostalgic rappin’ times.

A rock ‘n’ roll guitar – The Stompers overlaying punk onto rock. More originally by Johnny Preston.

A gun – The Vandals with more punkish punk. Ian Yo Yo Yo (Jib Jab Brothers) go urban for the Red Ryder Rifle. (Still preferable to the ‘Christmas Story’ musical version.) Best of the range is Roy Zimmerman’s  “Buy War Toys for Christmas.” Made Demento famous by The Twang.

A bag of weed – Common Enemy (BLUE ALERT). Hard garage rock.

Cancer – Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains. Ah, the young and their guitar banging regrets.

A tan – Kenny Chesney mashes up Hawaiian slide with country drawl. (It’s an all over he’s after, with you dawlin.)

A space ship – Bah & The Humbugs recognize that some intergalactic captains keep getting their rides blasted out from under them.

A Doodle-Li-Boop – Art Carney with authentic drunk-sounding jazz novelty from the ’50s.

A Ting Ting – Billy Ruffian attempts to update this old folk chestnut. (Yeah, more punk influence.)

Swiss Colony Beef Log – South Park boys deliver it again with “Swiss Colony Beef Log;” it’s what a fat kid wants for Christmas.

A new hat – Thots takes it easy on Santa and for that we thank you.

Christmas List: item fourteen (LOVE, that’s all)

Lots of nonstandard songs want to put you in the mood for c-food for the holidays. Hugging’ and a-kissin’ and crazy staring deep into the others’ eyes, yeah baby. That’s a celebrations. Don’t let me slow that down.

Nancy Wilson heats up “That’s What I Want for Christmas” with jazzy syncopation, listen to her hold THAT note–that’s for you, man. (Weird millennial update by Holly Golightly may be skipped.)

David Yang keeps it young with electronic dance hip hop. His “Christmas List” flirts with gimme gimme, then he scales it back, JK baby! It’s you, it’s love, it’s done!

Christmas Treasures don’t mince words: when they ask “What Will You Give Me for Christmas?” they have a short list. Love, of the elevator music variety (despite the Christ part there–i mean the song is asking what Christ wants for Christmas–whoa).

Love is honest, love is kind, love is hip hop… that is, when you rap love you better be sincere. Dogg Pound from Death Row Records is singing it straight in “I Wish.” (The wish, by the way, is for love. God’s love, mom’s love, y’all’s love.)

Christmas List: item five (a couple bucks/love)

Mo’ rap, mo’ wrapping. These guys want it all. Quad City DJs (incl. 69 Boys, and K-nock) run it past ya (get a pencil!) with “What You Want for Christmas.” Catchy, hey.

Ever suspect only the slow can rap? Exhibit B: Krispy Kreme with his “Christmas Wish List.” Don’t forget what you learned about girls’ butts!

Self appointed rap master EKOH would like you to visit him on Facebook. If you are suspicious of yet another white dude busting’ a rhyme, try to keep up with his “Christmas List Rap” (nominally set to the theme music of the movie ‘Elf’). He even juggles.

Christmas List: item two [BLUE ALERT] (anti-gravity gold boots)

Mo’ Midwestern guys, mo’ funny rap.

Not so much wink this time, hardcore The Basement Boys want to fit as much swag into garbled fast talk as they can. They want man-stuff and they want it now.

[For a hilarious version of awkward rap, Rappy McRapperson was tagged last Christmas by me singing one of my favorite grabby numbers: “Gimme Stuff.”  Damn that’s funny.]

Christmas List: item one (backup singer)

If you haven’t drawn up your greedy agenda in columnar form yet, let me clue you, kid–IT’S TIME

To put you in the mood, let’s visit some motivational tallysheeting.

Invinceable has fun with “All I Want for Christmas (Is a Bangin’ Ass Beat).” They give rap a good name.

I previously had to mention Biggy G and K David as exemplary Iowans, but the strength of their “Christmas List Yo” is in the itemization. And dub step. Picture Kevin Smith and Bruce Campbell (younger) white-rapping to the run-down downtown with an OCD backbeat and you’ll have