And now the least worst of the fruitcake songs. The nut-laden finale–until we move on to the most popular baked Christmas sweet of them all.
Rum cake gets boxed in here, best portrayed in riddim by The Barefoot Man’s “Rum Cake.” Hic! Nearly is impressive is rumcakes.org’s “Rum Cakes.” Hypnotetically repetitive. And folky. Also mercantiley Lisa of Lisa’s Rum Cakes sings “Lisa’s Rum Cake Song” as a commercial for her seasonal product. Okay.
Back to our featured baked good.
12Stone Worship offers up Xian young men of the hiphop persuasion to praise the Christmastide, while side slamming our target with “Spread Love, Not the Fruitcake.” Fresh (yeah, without the exclamation point, tha’s wha-yime-sighin’). Big mixedmedia finish, though.
I’ve already squiched in Lauren Mayer’s “The Fruitcake That Ate New Jersey.” That was more than a year ago, so another song-story-time for this overbaked orchestration.
Finally a song parody about fruitcake! Master comic-caroler Dave Rudolf growls out “Fruitcakes for Christmas,” to ‘Silver Bells’ elvis style. Okay, mostly fun.
Pretty as twinkling lights is 1000 Clowns mellowly rapping “I Hate Fruitcake” available from all i can tell only on the KROQ Christmas fund-raiser. I don’t begrudge the boys hate when they sing like angels who were high.
Rap starts out as scat, right? Louis Armstrong? How about Koreans playing around. eSNa have a “Mistletoe” song that borders on rap. No, what do YOU think?
New the Pharaoh gets the real rap on stage with “Mistletoe.” Female exploitation ensues. And profanity. And carrying on.
Secret wanders around the party to make arrangements with his babe. “Mistletoe Song” is the softer side of rap. He’s going to woo the woman.
T-Rock dopes the rock with “Smokin’ Mistletoe.” It’s flyin’.
A job – “All I Want for Christmas is a Job” by le Ukulélé Club de Bordeaux (worst audition video ever–WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) and by Below the Surface (parole plea?).
A black president – MC Overlord. Ahh, nostalgic rappin’ times.
A gun – The Vandals with more punkish punk. Ian Yo Yo Yo (Jib Jab Brothers) go urban for the Red Ryder Rifle. (Still preferable to the ‘Christmas Story’ musical version.) Best of the range is Roy Zimmerman’s “Buy War Toys for Christmas.” Made Demento famous by The Twang.
A bag of weed – Common Enemy (BLUE ALERT). Hard garage rock.
Lots of nonstandard songs want to put you in the mood for c-food for the holidays. Hugging’ and a-kissin’ and crazy staring deep into the others’ eyes, yeah baby. That’s a celebrations. Don’t let me slow that down.
David Yang keeps it young with electronic dance hip hop. His “Christmas List” flirts with gimme gimme, then he scales it back, JK baby! It’s you, it’s love, it’s done!
Christmas Treasures don’t mince words: when they ask “What Will You Give Me for Christmas?” they have a short list. Love, of the elevator music variety (despite the Christ part there–i mean the song is asking what Christ wants for Christmas–whoa).
Love is honest, love is kind, love is hip hop… that is, when you rap love you better be sincere. Dogg Pound from Death Row Records is singing it straight in “I Wish.” (The wish, by the way, is for love. God’s love, mom’s love, y’all’s love.)
Mo’ rap, mo’ wrapping. These guys want it all. Quad City DJs (incl. 69 Boys, and K-nock) run it past ya (get a pencil!) with “What You Want for Christmas.” Catchy, hey.
Ever suspect only the slow can rap? Exhibit B: Krispy Kreme with his “Christmas Wish List.” Don’t forget what you learned about girls’ butts!
Self appointed rap master EKOH would like you to visit him on Facebook. If you are suspicious of yet another white dude busting’ a rhyme, try to keep up with his “Christmas List Rap” (nominally set to the theme music of the movie ‘Elf’). He even juggles.
Not so much wink this time, hardcore The Basement Boys want to fit as much swag into garbled fast talk as they can. They want man-stuff and they want it now.
[For a hilarious version of awkward rap, Rappy McRapperson was tagged last Christmas by me singing one of my favorite grabby numbers: “Gimme Stuff.” Damn that’s funny.]
I previously had to mention Biggy G and K David as exemplary Iowans, but the strength of their “Christmas List Yo” is in the itemization. And dub step. Picture Kevin Smith and Bruce Campbell (younger) white-rapping to the run-down downtown with an OCD backbeat and you’ll have
How sad is it being an elf? Benny Grunch reveals when “The Elves Finally Rap” that they mostly are unhappy with their stature, not their standing. Life can be cold when you live at the Pole.
Christmas runs the spectrum of blue (Elvis) to white (Bing). And then some.
Colors speak to us in imagery, symbolism, political bent, and all manner of culture. Can it be that novelty Christmas songs come addressed to Roy G. Biv?
Is there a red Christmas?
Betcher ass.
And i don’t just mean the colors of suits and noses and stripey candies…
Although i will allow 12-year-old Zach to sing about his “Red Christmas Sock” because it’s all silly and parody (Toby Keith) and everything i stand for. Toby Tucker does a more down home, dumbed down version, “Red Christmas Cup.” It’s about Christmas (drunken) parties with, you know, those red Solo cups full of trouble (with a brief salute to the troops)!
This is not to be confused with the superior counter-commentary “Red Christmas Cups” about the Starbucks non-religious drink holder outrage. Steve Marshall is a regular new millennial Pete Seger (subtext: not so funny). But let’s get back to Toby Keith: Gestalt being what it is, a million people parodied ‘Red Solo Cup’ with the Josh Feuerstein controversy about Starbucks not emblazoning their merch with Christmas icons like trees (google ‘War on Christmas’ if you must). Trending for the previous week of internet news WCYY goes trolling with its (#5) “The Internet Outrage Song (aka Red Starbucks Cup).” It’s drivetime parody with quips and noises and best-by dates rapidly peeling the relevance off the actual outrage. And then Justin Tyler Moore is coming to town with his (#4) “Red Starbucks Cup.” He’s clever, but his home movies suck, and is he serious about the verisimilitude of poor singing to drive home the point?! And then Ed Button twists the knife with (#3) “Red Starbucks Cup (Red Solo Cup parody).” Reminiscent of Tom Bodett leavin’ a light on for you, he rails like Ranty the red-cupped reader! And then comes the sermon on the mountain roast from Mighty Joe and his (#2) “Red Starbucks Cup” (karaoke backup!). Oooh, the F-word! A nice parody, but too apologetic by half-caff for a cowboy. And then Noah Rivera trashes up the idea with his Ray-Stevens-worthy (#1) “Red Starbucks Cup.” Hee Haw, he makes that conservative reactionaryism look stupid. Nice coffee twerkin’, fool.
Ashley Dudley takes the cup on a percussive detour with “Red Cup Song” (new tune!) letting us know that Jesus likes red. So there. A paler shade of red is Aimee with Starbucks employees helping her out while she reads her “Starbucks Cup Song” (same cup slappin’ tune!) to us. It’s not the same as the others but trills tolerantly multicultural.
Kelly Clarkson brings idols before us with her moody belting of “Wrapped in Red.” Well, i think red is her (killer) mood, but it might be the hue of her oh so fashionable body length sweater.
Also red-minded are Malice in Wonderland. “When Everything’s Red” tells the tale of Christmas love loss. Pretty pouting.
“Red Red Christmas” in the hands of Marcel Caroto and Bilo Lawrence apparently means peace, love, out. Red heart = love?! I’m losing the connex.
And–oddity alert–Scottish politics gets a dressing down with Lady Alba’s “Red Christmas.” Keep Google nearby if you want to ‘get it.’
Alessandro Valenti increases the social commentary with “Red Christmas” (set to the requisite ‘White Christmas’) in which the capitalist system is oppressing the 99% to bloody death.
