Consume-mas Quantities: let it stew

Wet mish mash of food parts is heart warming, stick-to-your-ribs stew, a survival favorite since before JC, Then why aren’t there more songs about Xmas stew?

Mary Helen Mustian from South Henderson Church swans on about “Christmas Stew” in some church dramatization about some Wild West Christmas. It’s inaudible, but soaring. I detect the ingredients of a hit.

I will not dignify this blog with a possible Mariah Carey parody subbing STEW for YOU. Look it up on youtube if you want. Riders in the Sky were totes pop 20-30 years ago. I listened to their radio programme me own self. Lately they’ve fallen out of the fickle favor of folks and find themselves retro as backup in cartoons and the odd State Fair. But please relive the glory days of the camp cook fighting to feed the wranglers during the holidays with “Sidemeat’s Christmas Stew.” Well done, boys.

Consume-mas Quantities: pop pop jingle pop

Snack time continued–

Popcorn can be one fun edible decoration. Eat one, string one! The ratatat birth, the steamy smell, the crunchy/melty dichotomy of texture; this is truly an American treat. (I tried to score some while abroad in Denmark one time. It was in an ‘exotics’ corner of the food mart.)

T.Sex hollers his folk/blues about his broken-hearted Christmas misery in “Popcorn Tin.” BLUE ALERT He’s using popcorn as a weapon here. I wish him the buttery best.

Van Buchanan cures depression with his kiddie contata “Yummy Christmas Popcorn Around the Christmas Tree.” inspired by the Dorp the Scottish Dragon books. That’s right.

Robin Zaruba sweetens the pop with “Tootsie Pops and Popcorn.” Hey, Christ is popcorn! Pop gospel here will teach you why. Wait, does that mean God endorses Tootsie Roll candies™?

Merle Haggard brings that heartwarming homestead pickin’ and grinnin’ to his list of holiday homilies “Santa Claus and Popcorn.” Popcorn is mixed in there somewhere.

Consume-mas Quantities: she breaks just like a little fast

Breakfast and Christmas are so oxymoronic they spawn comedy bits, like Bredon M. Dennis’s “Merry Breakfast.” Yeah, i don’t usually post comedy.

Quick remention of Chuck Picklesimer’s “Reindeer for Breakfast for Christmas.” Can’t get enough of his subliminal video.

Waffle House takes the hot-cake when it comes to holiday hosting. Apparently their jukeboxes in some parts of the country features original Waffle House songs by ardent artistic regulars. So excuse the 12 Days bit (hate those) with “The Waffle House Twelve Days of Christmas” by Bill ‘the King’ Hoger. Even worse is another 12 Days “A Waffle House Christmas.” (At least they’re obvious enough to sub French toast for French hens.)

See, what we hope to have girded our gut for smells more like David A. Stephens with “Christmas at the Waffle House.” Banjo fun and melodic gutpunchery. Yeehaw.

Down home and honky tonking Hilton Walters belts out “Another Waffle House Christmas” like a troubled woman from the ‘Sixties spelling out female woes country style to the befuddled masses. Sling that hash, swing that smash.

 

Sweet Christmas! cookies 1

The hoary tradition of the plateful of cookies by the chimney is only enhanced by everyone eating the special made spritz and platzchen hand over hand until the holidays are past. Oh, whew, let me catch my breath.

The monster novelty (read mainstream) Christmas songs here are:

Christmas Cookies” by George Strait and everyone else in the entire country music hemisphere who wants an aw shucks gee whiz addition to their yule oeuvre. It’s cute. All those other covers basically ape George. The only variations i like for their variety are the R W Hampton (and kids) batch for adding just a pinch of honky tonk, and the Hadley Holloway and Gregory Fisher half-dozen for their swing/early rock joy.

‘Til Santa’s Gone (Milk & Cookies)” by Clint Black. This one doesn’t have the legs of the the 1990s Strait classic, but it gets down home and five-years-old and tells a story. It twerks country music the wrong way, overusing the choochoo harmonica, formatted after the musical show-stopper, but gee-golly does it bake for me.

Sweet Christmas! fruitcake 4

Like lines at Disneyland, mothers-in-law, and foul-mouthed children, fruitcake is the lazy man’s joke–presuming, assuming, and subsuming a cultural unspoken menace that is spoken. Some of these jokesongs are wastes of time.

But what else are we gonna do?

The Fruitcake Song” has been passed around to churches and artists of some talent, but Kirk Talley hits the nail on the head with his wokka-wokka zip-zing smirking hamminess. It’s funny to somebody that sneaking this gift to the dog ‘would be a sin.’ I guess. Yawn.

Bill Engvall must have whiplash from patting himself on the back so hard for his “Fruitcake Makes Me Puke.” He’s run a punchline into a three minute country song that has to be a holiday hit cause he said so.

Dr. Elmo supplies motive for why grandma might be targeted by reindeer with “Grandma’s Killer Fruitcake.” Channeling Ray Stevens adds to the bounciness of this howler, but the quality of the video says it all.

Sweet Christmas! candy 5

The downside of candy for the holidays is intestinal distress, crashing depression, diabetes, and existential malaise. Don’t overdo!

Promising second stringer, Bob Cleghorn, delivers us a prison paean about how there won’t be “No Candy this Christmas.” This tinkly children’s country chorus is clever and fun, but–well, you tell me. Is it a cautionary tale or a sweet nightmare?

In “I Won’t Let You Lick My Candy Bar” Tim Dinkins expresses the old CW power one child has over the other with a sweet treat. But c’mon, that other child punched a dog! Good lord, no candy for him!

Sweet Christmas! candy 1

One sledgehammer of a candied Christmas carol is “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton. Yes life is mean and your independence and identity are important. Country values. (It’s even featured on ‘The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ soundtrack.) Hence the numerous covers by Reba McIntrie, Kelly Clarkson, Carter Sampson, Cyndi Lauper (!) (or Cyndi paired with Alison Krauss) (or paired with Dolly), and RuPaul (?!). Skip those and trip to the melted deejay mix by Myntee from one of those hell-yeah Reindeer Room albums. Mmm-mm.

But if you’ve come around lookin’ for some holiday country thoughtful love song, let’s meet T J Murr , the Okie Hobo. “Pretty Christmas Candy” metaphorizes the sticky treat into… wait for it, a pretty girl. It’s honky tonk, but family friendly–i promise!

Merry Mistletoe: Travis, McCoy

Toby Keith plays somnolent with “Blame it on the Mistletoe.” It’s to country music what Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is to punk music. Still, pretty like make out music.

Randy Travis rules understatement in country/western sung emotionality. “Meet Me Under the Mistletoe” sells it without blubbering.

Same title different song. “Meet Me Under the Mistletoe” by Jason McCoy has some Carter Family ah-huhs! and thick slide guitar. And the video is in a bowling alley! What a party (children! chickens!), you gotta be there.

Merry Mistletoe: Ryan, Brooks/Dunn, Williams Band

Mistletoe is fun! Like bluegrass! Derek Ryan proves it with “Beneath the Mistletoe!” Sing along with the ho-ho-hos!

But lots of mistletoe songs are moodily joyous, read country/western.

Brooks and Dunn belt out the ‘dear’ in “Hangin’ ’round the Mistletoe.” But they just want you to desire responsibly.

For my mistletoe, Luke Williams Band delivers better on the honky tonk with “Mistletoe Baby.” Twangs it to the nearly indecipherable, sweetens it to the legal limit.

Merry Mistletoe: Watson, KLAQ

(By my account this is blog post #500)

Again, mistletoe as symbol. This time it’s me and you, angry lover, just like “Mistletoe on Death Row.” Dale Watson johnny cashes this mood piece from an actual movie ‘Angels Sing.’ I say actual movie cause it stars Harry Connick Jr and Connie Britton. But I ain’t never heared of it.

El Paso’s KLAQ morning show with Somebody and Whasisname have their share of holiday ha-has, including a more appropriate: “Christmas on Death Row” sung by The Uninvited (?) which also mentions mistletoe. Strap in, offenders, it’s naughty.