Category: country

Like lines at Disneyland, mothers-in-law, and foul-mouthed children, fruitcake is the lazy man’s joke–presuming, assuming, and subsuming a cultural unspoken menace that is spoken. Some of these jokesongs are wastes of time.

But what else are we gonna do?

“The Fruitcake Song” has been passed around to churches and artists of some talent, but Kirk Talley hits the nail on the head with his wokka-wokka zip-zing smirking hamminess. It’s funny to somebody that sneaking this gift to the dog ‘would be a sin.’ I guess. Yawn.

Bill Engvall must have whiplash from patting himself on the back so hard for his “Fruitcake Makes Me Puke.” He’s run a punchline into a three minute country song that has to be a holiday hit cause he said so.

Dr. Elmo supplies motive for why grandma might be targeted by reindeer with “Grandma’s Killer Fruitcake.” Channeling Ray Stevens adds to the bounciness of this howler, but the quality of the video says it all.

The downside of candy for the holidays is intestinal distress, crashing depression, diabetes, and existential malaise. Don’t overdo!

Promising second stringer, Bob Cleghorn, delivers us a prison paean about how there won’t be “No Candy this Christmas.” This tinkly children’s country chorus is clever and fun, but–well, you tell me. Is it a cautionary tale or a sweet nightmare?

In “I Won’t Let You Lick My Candy Bar” Tim Dinkins expresses the old CW power one child has over the other with a sweet treat. But c’mon, that other child punched a dog! Good lord, no candy for him!

One sledgehammer of a candied Christmas carol is “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton. Yes life is mean and your independence and identity are important. Country values. (It’s even featured on ‘The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ soundtrack.) Hence the numerous covers by Reba McIntrie, Kelly Clarkson, Carter Sampson, Cyndi Lauper (!) (or Cyndi paired with Alison Krauss) (or paired with Dolly), and RuPaul (?!). Skip those and trip to the melted deejay mix by Myntee from one of those hell-yeah Reindeer Room albums. Mmm-mm.

But if you’ve come around lookin’ for some holiday country thoughtful love song, let’s meet T J Murr , the Okie Hobo. “Pretty Christmas Candy” metaphorizes the sticky treat into… wait for it, a pretty girl. It’s honky tonk, but family friendly–i promise!

Toby Keith plays somnolent with “Blame it on the Mistletoe.” It’s to country music what Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is to punk music. Still, pretty like make out music.

Randy Travis rules understatement in country/western sung emotionality. “Meet Me Under the Mistletoe” sells it without blubbering.

Same title different song. “Meet Me Under the Mistletoe” by Jason McCoy has some Carter Family ah-huhs! and thick slide guitar. And the video is in a bowling alley! What a party (children! chickens!), you gotta be there.

Mistletoe is fun! Like bluegrass! Derek Ryan proves it with “Beneath the Mistletoe!” Sing along with the ho-ho-hos!

But lots of mistletoe songs are moodily joyous, read country/western.

Brooks and Dunn belt out the ‘dear’ in “Hangin’ ’round the Mistletoe.” But they just want you to desire responsibly.

For my mistletoe, Luke Williams Band delivers better on the honky tonk with “Mistletoe Baby.” Twangs it to the nearly indecipherable, sweetens it to the legal limit.

(By my account this is blog post #500)

Again, mistletoe as symbol. This time it’s me and you, angry lover, just like “Mistletoe on Death Row.” Dale Watson johnny cashes this mood piece from an actual movie ‘Angels Sing.’ I say actual movie cause it stars Harry Connick Jr and Connie Britton. But I ain’t never heared of it.

El Paso’s KLAQ morning show with Somebody and Whasisname have their share of holiday ha-has, including a more appropriate: “Christmas on Death Row” sung by The Uninvited (?) which also mentions mistletoe. Strap in, offenders, it’s naughty.

Old Glory should wave proudly for us all. But i guess we only really figure the military need to see it.

Dyer Highway power ballads “Red White and Blue Christmas” about missing out while serving. It’s a strong song about complex feelings.

A slight twist off ‘Blue Christmas” comes from Bishop M.B. and Dr. Brenda Johnson singing “Red White and Blue Christmas” to the troops. Jazzy but uplifting pop.

Patty Speelt laments the Christmas missing with her “Red, White and Blue Christmas.” Soulful country. Buck up, kids. You have to.

“A Red White and Blue Christmas” seems to feature all the artists from Hilltop Records. They try to outdo one another with harmony. One for all, with a patriotic lawrence welk flair.

George Pardo and Dr. J Gale Kilgore (not fake names i’m sure) tap on a tambourine and rage on a rhythm machine for their “Red, White, and Blue Christmas Song” diatribe. Be patriotic or be stupid.

Jack Greene weaves us yet another soldier holiday song. But “Red White and Blue Christmas” dissects the experience of a lonely Army man from Tennessee. Jack’s voice is tremulous from the power of his song, and his need to retire ten years ago.

Some people gotta make sure we recognize the Armed Forces by making as much noise as possible. If you don’t as well you should probably get punched. This patriotism by amplitude usually results in cringe-worthy crooning.

Ronald James Sorenson does not make me cringe, however, and his while his “Fly Our Flag for Christmas” may not win any grammy awards i rather enjoyed the gentle strumming and pleasant assumptions made.

On the homefront we fret and worry about those men away from home in the crosshairs of danger–not Santa’s elves, no no.

How much does it suck? Reed Robertson tosses us a tune about what wonderful things the boys over there Don’t get, and what paltry things they Do get. “Camouflage and Christmas Lights” is not a recruitment video. Not even when Rodney Carrington dresses it up with studio quality.

Jenny Brown sings awful pretty folk country in “Camouflage Christmas.” It’s not too maudlin although she clearly misses her man. Best i can say.