The Future: Dr. Who (1)

It’s a new year, with thoughts of the future. You know, science fiction. For those not in the know, Dr. Who is a TV series from the UK beginning about when the James Bond movies began. Except for a massive collapse in the ’90s (lasting 15 years) the show has been educating children as to relativity, totalitarianism, and xenophobia for generations.

For those who know Who, here’s a fairly cast, fun, in-house bit with various Drs. gathered for the Yule (you think your family get-togethers are weird…): “Christmas Day Dr. Who Style” by the Dead Ringers.

Why so many Doctors? Time travel and casting for a TV series gets tricky. So this character gets to have an occasional death scene and then come back as a ‘regeneration’–all quite JC and Christmassy, don’t you know.

To keep the spirit merry, then, join Not Quite Literally Productions with the “Regeneration Carol.”

ALMOST THERE: Christmas Eve

Nothing to do today but wait… and cook, and last-minute shop, and make travel connections, and wrap, and pretend to relax, and—ARGH.

The countdown gets confusing with far away family and time zones and stuff. Marsha Bartanetti sings “Almost Christmas Eve.” It’s big budget cool, so veneer love.

The Caroleers sing “The Day Before the Night Before Christmas” to further the countdown for good-being children.

Celine Dion has her own “Christmas Eve.” Harking and heralding and hollering about how fun the anticipation is, she tires a celebrator out.

Justin Bieber “Christmas Eve” autotunes his music almost to death. Supposedly about love, this is more rhythm than romance.

While we’re playing famous over odd, i kinda dig Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Old Lang Syne.” That guy’s a storyteller.

Tich sings “Love on Christmas Eve” reverentially and seriously. It’s love for God, dude. You ain’t gettin’ any tonight.

Nick Gardner warbles out “Christmas Eve” all poetic and pouty. He’s so sad– Girl why won’t you give him any? Those high notes hurt a boy.

Alex Goot (“I am Goot!”) sings his “Next Christmas Eve” prettily sad as well. Full of apologies. He don’t want your present, girl; he wants YOU. Are you seeing a theme?

Accepting his apology and promising next year for sure are The Ennis Sisters with “I’ll Be There Christmas Eve.” Gentle folk is much happier than pop this time of year.

Confusing me even further are the creepy CGI wishers and prayers in Acoustic Bloom’s “On Christmas Eve.” The night is for Santa AND Jesus after all (‘star crossed lovers time divides’). Is it me or is that messed up?

Lonely? Not lonely? Donny Osmond chooses lonely on “This Christmas Eve.

She leaves Ringo on “Christmas Eve,” so he’s lonely too.

The man Alison Everill is missin’ this night is The Man. “The Night Before Jesus was Born” is hymnal, sermon, and musical theater showstopper all-in-one.

Pat Donahue’s band from Prairie Home Companion knows how to razz the roof. “Christmas Eve Morn” plays the blues for that special time of year.

Hope you’re not too broken hearted for your chores. Christmas Steve sings about “Christmas Eve Shoppers.” It’s panic-time! But his masterful ukulele-style  peaceful strumming helps my blood pressure.

Joel Kopischke may be the king of Christmas Parodies. “One Week (Until Xmas Eve)” also documents shopping  and decorating concerns. It strips the concerns of gentlemen and ladies barenaked.

Almost as funny is the Reverend Kizzo Production of “Last Christmas Eve.” Obvious, huh?

The Clovers “The Magic of Christmas Eve” accepts and excels at the last minute magic. What would Santa do, dude?

My personal hipster hero, Jesus Presley cools out with his “It’s Christmas Eve”

If you’re not home yet Michael Martin Murphy will put a quick in your giddyup with “Ridin’ Home on Christmas Eve.”

The Yule Be Sorrys mock up ‘Midnight Clear’ with “They Came Upon a Christmas Eve” Those wonderful neighborhood carolers are worse than stay cats!

‘O Holy Night’ serves as the music for the dime store novelty Cinderella Christmas song “It’s Christmas Eve” You’ve heard this one, right?

Just as astonishing but this time legal, “Christmas Eve Dinner” comes from Disney’s stable of sound-alikes for Snow White and her gang. What a party for those observing Christians!

On the other hand The Everly Brothers concede “Christmas Eve Can Kill You” Little bummer boys.

If you’re not sad enough, here’s Richard Bryant’s “Sad Christmas Eve” by Don  Hecker. Getting drunk and singing country about it don’t mix.

This last-minute night to gather yourself can result in serious side-effects: weepy nostalgia and delusions of analogy, for example. The Oak Ridge Boys sing “Daddy’s Christmas Eve.” And, you know, God was a dad just like you.

Horrible VHS quality picture, matching sweaters, aerobics-style dancing, vapid lyrics, spaceship background, non-ironic shag haircuts–it’s the 1970s!! Although this is posted as “Worst Song of Christmas Eve” i guess it’s someone’s mod update of ‘Silent Night.’ We may never know who sang this–or why.

Remember the purpose of this night though. The Wiggles will remind you with “I Just Can’t Sleep on Christmas Eve.”

Ed Rambeau wants all kids to sing his simple onomatopoetic “Come and Sing a Christmas Song (It’s Almost Christmas Day).” Hurry and sing, i fell asleep twice.

Not a fan of the Moore story “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” and the parodies range from extraterrestrial to trailer trash–Bob Rivers parody of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ NOT withstanding. But I am a fan of Stan Freberg. His 1955 cool daddio character piece is heightened by his costar. Great family comedy bit. And that’s what this night is for, my dear darlings.

Carol Parodies of the Ages “Jolly Nicholas”

Less is known about the classic carol “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” than about other 19C singables. No official publication exists with authorship. Most Yule sleuths figure that guy that wrote ‘Up on the Housetop’ (school principal Benjamin Hanby) wrote this because they sound similar and came out about the sae time. The music, however, seems to come from James Pierpont’s ‘Jingle Bells,’ at least his first go at a tune–the JB we know now has another borrowed melody. A couple conspiricists even figure Montana Slim wrote JOSN, because his was the first recording.

Clement Clarke Moore’s ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’ in 1823 made Santy a thing. Before that (like 1600) we had Father Christmas, who was variously scary or cuddly. Dickens’ Ghost of Christmas Present is the nice version. Thomas Nast cartoons enlarged on this image (made him fat). It’s right about then songs like this one get sung house to house.

Now some people gotta make trouble, so apart from it being hilarious that this song is syncopated and similar in melody to Pachelbel’s Canon in D, those folks say THAT’s where the music came from. Compare for yourself: Erin Freund, Bill Edwards, Glissandi show you harp, piano and combo clashes. (I like these ‘accidental plagiarisms’ of this ilk. The Ventures’ Christmas Album is full of these playful pairings. I’ll never forget hearing Peter Schikele sing Frost’s poem ‘The Road Not Taken’ to the tune of ‘Hernando’s Hideaway.’ Priceless)

But, to the matter at hand. Dave Rudolf has a clumsy Jamaican parody “Folly Old St. Nicholas” recounting a Santa and run on the highway. Sleigh accidents’re not that funny any more.

BLUE ALERT Overpriveleged and angry, young Hunter tries out all the profanity he can on that authority figure in “Jolly Old St. Nicholas.” Something’s got his stocking in a twist.

Richard Pepper challenges himself to write parodies every year on his blog. His “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” is short and sour.

Stan Boreson (The King of Scandinavian Humor… from the ’60s; no one dethrones the living Yogi Yorgeson–ever) along with Doug Setterberg sing the big dumb Svede variety: “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.” It’s narrow demographic fun.

So let’s settle back on good old Samuel Stokes. His erudite logic in “Jolly Old St. Nicholas–Change Your Ways” reexamines that red-suited elf with a critical gaze. Lissen up, Nick-o. This man should be running your PR.

 

Carol Parodies of the Ages “What Child”

Here’s a Christmas miracle. William Chatterton Dix had an NDE way back when. Making his way back from the grim edge, he reviewed his insurance company managerial duties and took on a spiritual revival. In 1865 he wrote Celestial poetry like ‘The Manger Throne’ which he set to the music of ‘Greensleeves’ and wound up with “What Child is This?”

‘Greensleeves’ had arrived much earlier, of course, and some want it to be Henry VIII’s seductive song for his consort, Anne Boleyn. Regardless, gutter-minded historians like how green stained sleeves are a sign of naughtiness like rough rolling in the hay. That did not stop several other Christmas songs being set to the ‘Greensleeves’ tune before this one. This is the big one.

BLUE ALERT: So let’s start raw with the disgusting John Valby, who liked that nasty historical view in his own “Greensleeves.” Disease and putrescence figure in hilariously too.

The more clever fooleries to deal with ‘Greensleeves’ would include Jimi Handtrix’s “Green Tea.” Not exactly Yulesy, but clever (and speeded up so it won’t take all night). Likewise is Annie and Philo’s “Greened House“–without the chipmunk voice, that is.

Cheesehead Evan tells us ‘Here’s a song about that game’ as intro to “What Crap is This?” His complaint about a ref’s call set to today’s music is why we have the internet.

Jeanne Marino comedifies our song with her standup (at The Olive Garden?). “What Child is This?” soothes that pain people who say ‘breeders’ and roll their eyes when driving by elementary schools feel.

Also outraged, Isaac Hayes as Chef from South Park sings “What the Hell Child is This?” Apart from the opening, it’s barely a parody, even with the motown backup singers (“Mary!”).

Celebrating just being a kid is Marquis DeJolie with home movies of his granddaughter. “What Child is This?” never answers the question, however, and i think he’s going to hell for using The Exorcist devil’s voice for a song originally about Baby Jesus.

Dave Rudolf comes to the present-rescue with his “What Present’s This?” sung by Megan McDonough. Centuries ago we needed to be reminded of what the shepherds and wise men were thinking… today we need to be reminded what the real meaning of Xmas is: whose is best? (It’s a great gift mystery–wait for whodunnit at the end.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzPSu2RRH5Y

Carol Parodies of the Ages “Angels Heard”

More Gospels according to Luke (inspiring so many of the classics!) made James Chadwick translate some old French tribute (Les Anges dans nos campagres or something) into English back in 1862. He used that great tune “Gloria” by Edward Shippen Barres to score it and wound up with a hit… mostly with the Scots and the Cornish.

This does not get much play, recognition, or ribbing. It’s pretty and light and been done before. But, in the spirit of finding you true parodies of true traditionals….

A brief mention of The Piano Guys: In their “Angels We Have Heard on High” 4 guys lean over a big old 88-keyer and poke, pluck, stroke, and noodle to give you–if not a great rendition–an awesome video.

And i don’t like to credit the unproduced, but AmIRight.com not only sorts out misheard lyrics, but also catalogs terribly written parodies of hits. Rebekah Dub apparently wrote up a cannabis-ized variation here with her “I Saw Angels Getting High.” Just the lyrics now. You must bring the lungs.

The only truly parodisical take off on “Angels” i have is “Ankles We Have Hurt on High” by the Kinsey Sicks, America’s Favorite Dragapella Beautyshop Quartet. They have been selling out shows for 20 years (when I thought that sort of thing was already old hat) after being discovered at a Bette Midler concert. If you don’t know them, welcome to the club. But if you’re curious how polished these boys have gotten over the decades with their schtick, give this minute-long an open ear. It’s just right.

Carol Parodies of the Ages “Emanuel”

“O Come, O Come, Emanuel” comes from “O Antiphons” which were vespers sung at sunset the few days before Christmas. This practice goes back before 800 BCE in only the best of monastic setups. Somewhere by 1710 Germany shows a written record of “Veni Veni Emmanuel” (that’s the Latin). And by 1865 John Mason Neale (remember him?) has put his English translation to the tune of some 15th C Portuguese nunnery top tune. O and Emmanuel and the stuff we’re glad about is all Old Testament prophecy for the Messiah, so… christmas-sy right? This Frankenstein’s mongrel keeps challenging talented groups of choristers to hit all the right notes in the right order.

Consequently, parodies are few.

My two favorites are mirrors of each other–the joke was obvious once you heard it. Portland Oregon’s funny ladies from the ’80s The Fallen Angel Choir blast our past with their “O Come Get Out the Manual.” Can you even remember the old joke about never being able to set up the VCR clock? I can. Sigh. Nice pipes, gals.

More up to date is professional parodiser Dave Rudolf. This clown will appear at your kid’s birthday, bar mitzvah, coming out part, retirement ceremony–you name it. And he’ll kill. Among his dozens of great carol parodies is this pitch perfect “O Come, O Come, I Read the Manual.” You’re going to laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3iCsRNncaE

Carol Parodies of the Ages “Jingle Bells”

Is this the first secular (read: no angels, shepherds, JC–or symbols of his never ending love) Christmas carol? James Pierpont (uncle of historical Scrooge J P) wrote this for Thanksgiving back in 1857. And it was often abused as a drinking song (jingle those cubes in your empty glass for a refill, bae). But given its bare melodic line and overwhelming omnipresence, ‘Jingle Bells’ is the 600 lb Santa who gets whatever he wants.

Because it’s been played to death, the parodies are sadly too many too thinly spread over too little foundation. Mostly, yecch.

Classics, of course, include The Three Stooges’ “Jingle Bell Drag,” Da Yooper’s “Rusty Chevrolet,” Jeff Dunham’s “Jingle Bombs” by Achmed the Dead Terrorist. Old schoolboy fave “Batman Smells” apparently needed lots of original verses, so Steve Wilson Britted it up for the ‘tube. Yawn.

This is not counting all the odd instrumentals and animals (although Richard Cheese‘s is funny) and sfx (“Laughing All the Way” by St. Nick isn’t too stupid, either).

But when it comes down to comedy, white people, am i right? “Holidays are Hell” by MyLifeSuckers (she means her family) complains in song about shopping, in-laws, and travel because having all that money means mo problems.

The Fallen Angel Choir also belabors the monetized merrymaking you mongrels have amassed on top of the Mass. Their sell-abration is entitled “Jingle Coins.”

Most movie parodies are poorly talented filk singers with overwrought wordplay poorly done, but someone (The Deluminators) took a little more time with “Catch the Snitch.” I don’t hate it.

Urban but not quite ghetto is Crazy Al Cayne rhyming “Out on Bail.” Festive more than funny.

Because it’s such an innocent beginning to courtship, someone’s gotta pornography this scene ’til we all get upshot. so BLUE ALERT.

DIRTY: Nasty Crue metals up “Jingle Balls” for no other reason than they’re jealous of professional rockers who get all that sex and drugs. Thanks for that.

DIRTIER: Wane Fawes Hispanicly laments his latest lamest STD with “Itchy Balls.” And you thought Cheech and Chong had no legacy.

DIRTIEST: John Valby makes music hall fun with filth. “Jingle Balls” details depravity, perversity, and automobile erotica for the bells of it.

But i enjoy learning while i’m caroling. So let’s travel the world using our jingle to jingo our way into others’ customs. The Savage Muse bemoans her sad Japanese Christmas observation with “Christmas Cake.” It is finger lickin’ good. Less fun is South African Tobias Niehur wishing he had what JB promises in his “Jingle Bells.” (KINDA BLUE STILL HERE: I might take a moment for all my xenophobes out there and include that humorous misinterp of another’s language “Kinky Tom” transcripted but not translated by Arhiblog.) For sheer joy, however, Bucko & Champs replicate the New Englander experience for Down Under. Lots of new words to learn so follow along!

 

Carol Parodies of the Ages “Wenceslaus”

King Wenceslaus is actually Saint Wenceslaus, but originally 10th C Duke Wenceslas who gave alms to the poor on Saint Stephens Day 12/26. In 1853 serial hymnalist John Mason Neale wrote the song to honor this exemplary  Xian charity. Later, Thomas Helmore added music from a 13th C spring carol. So the problem largely is the sprightly dance music paired with the high moral lesson. It’s like a California roll with red wine. I mean, come on.

If you just wanna know what the story is check our good kidder William Shatner with his spoken word “Wenceslas” from his 2009 album. He does all the parts.

To ponder the triviality of the story remind yourself of its mention as a DnD clue in The Big Bang Theory. Oh those nerds!

A further tribute to the song’s complicated uselessness is picked up by Buford in his version on Phineas and Ferb.

The big message here leads others to comment on our salacious lives too. Beware your crass commercialism in the hard-to-understand Tree Town Ukes get-together “Hanuk-Wanza-Festi-Mas.”

Even more moral is Burt Meyer with his “earth parody” of GKW wherein he calls us onto the carpet for stinginess, oil spills, and rampant gunneryism. Wenceslaus calls us a lost cause here. Wah.

So let’s lighten the mood with “Good King Wenceslas Tastes Great–A Zombie Carol” by Michael P Spradlin. Great double entendres from the original lyrics, and these guys keep the rhythm.

Meaner but much shorter is Mr. Weebl’s Advent Calendar, Day 13.  Fifth grade humor.

Comic Relief (part 2) has gone all out with a sequel to GKW. What happens after he brings food and firewood to the poor? Well, there are revenge reveals and tawdry twists aplenty, that’s what.

Finally we come to Horrible Histories’ “Good King Wenceslas” which purports to get to the awful truth. Brace yourself for some Medieval tabloid tattling.

Carol Parodies of the Ages “Holy Night”

Back in 1843 Adolphe Adam composed ‘Cantique de Noel’ in honor of a new church organ in Roquemaure France. As per uzh someone else wrote the words a long time before. ‘Minuit, chretiens’ was about the Godchild popping out, but sounded better in Francois. John Sullivan Dwight cobbled together our Englander version a couple handfuls of years later.

The big deal with this holy hymnal is the high range involved. It ain’t easy to do this right.

South Parkers play the boring lyrics with their violent version and still bring it around to the high notes. But no decent parodising.

Angry but reverent, Irish Junkie Tom sings “Oh Holy Night” as a raging night out with da boiz. Bring a translating dictionary.

Toward the other side of the planet, Philipino Terence Lelis mocks lightly the nasty police scandal thereabouts from a handful of years back with “O Hulidap.” Captioned, but still needs translating.

Our Jewish brethren pile on the J-kid as expected with Leslie Caplan’s “Oy Holy Night.” It’s funny AND operatic so you’ll be glad of the captioning (what did she just sing?).

Getting down with his guitar and his message, Todd Chappelle (hey, he did a great Christmas song about Delaware) sings “October Night.” It’s about decorations too early, yada yada. But he’s got a great voice.

Adult theming leads us to “O Horny Night” by Raquela. It’s fifty shades of advent, so not that nasty. (You know, fall on your knees, snigger.) And she can sing, too.

For my myrrh nothing mocks the sanctity of this solemnity more than 13 Hands in a magnificent cathedral belting out “Josh Grow Beans.” Wow, nearly speechless. (Thanks for the captioning, natch.)

Best of show, however is Tessa Netting. She gives us the real meaning of the song with her “O Holy Shit.” Mildly appropriate  profanity… nothing worse than you’d hear in the mall parking lot with kids around. And she does the second verse most people leave out.

Carol Parodies for the Ages “Christmas Tree”

Somewhere in the 1830s in Germany (those guys knew how to Christmas) August Zarnack married some old folk song with a variation of a song written about the Paradise Tree (you know, from the Garden of E… somehow reimagined as a fir tree because it held the promise of eternal life something something something God). Ernst Anschutz added more lyrics later and the kids just went holiday crazy.

Because the symbolism of a tree inside our house for Jesus has long been lost, we kid.

Those wacky Vancouverites, The Yule Be Sorrys, are back with an attempted explanation why we allow this ancient custom to persist: “O Xmas Tree.”

A fine male churchy quartet (John Miller, Lyle Stutzman, Eldo Miller, and Willard Mast) also play this out with their “O Christmas Tree.” Great harmony! Where’s your barber pole?

Peter Adamson furthers the disagreements with materialism with his “O Christmas Tree.” It’s folky and satiric with a gentle agenda.

Party down with nog pukin’ and slack key! “Oh Tom Got Bombed” by Dave Rudolf purposely mistranscribes the German and builds a scenario around the drunken mess. Comedy for barf’s sake.

Jaci Lapointe cuts a different point with her “O Christmas Tree.” I mean, the poor thing! Torn from its wintry ground and stuck in our smelly, smokey house!

Which reminds me of Bob Rivers’s awfully sad “O Christmas Tree.” But let’s stave off the sawed-off blues for now. Laters i will devote a week or so just to songs about The Tree. Without using this particular melody we will have some blasting fun.

For now, let’s celebrate Samuel Stokes. Like a smaller version of Tom Lehrer this academic has applied his philosophies to the betterment of amusing colleges with musicals about Dracula and Robin Hood. His funny songs are popular with the Dr. Demento show. So give an ear to his explication “O Tannenbaum (This Song has Many Versions).”