On Track to Xmas: Scale S!

For toy trains, Scale S is 1:64. So a locomotive is just over a foot long.

Dominic Campisi may not have a recording contract, but he sang a song. So there. “Christmas Time” is the usual laundry list of holiday items. Dolls and toy trains are included. A bit surf rock in the melody, but no instrumentation. F for F-fort.

Little ol’ Brenda Lee lets us in on a strange inhuman experiment. Santa carved a new helper out of a Christmas tree. Rather than name him Pin-snow-cchio, Santa calls him “Christy Christmas.” In her best rockabilly bebop, Ms. Lee relates how all the toys for you (like choo choo trains for boys) are selected by this monster. Chilling.

What seems to be a real train in “Train Goes Around” becomes an elaborate decorated set up in The Christmas Workshop Band’s pattering ditty. Blathering pop.

On Track to Xmas: O Scale!

Scale O for toy trains is 1:48. That means just over an inch for the tracks’ width.

Memories of toys bring Scapeghost to folk pop the song “Christmas is Real.” the myths of childhood: No happier time than planes made of balsa wood, Train tracks laid out on your kitchen floor. Haunting.

The Kind of Christmas You’d Expect is asking around about wishlists, when lo and behold–“I Want a Train” is the self same answer for each. Poppin’ folk pop. Lovin’ it.

Good Trouble wants to be good in order to have “A Very Good Trouble Christmas.” Santa’s been watching, y’know. They don’t want clothes or coal. What they do want isn’t exactly clear–but there’s a train whistle blown.Fun rocking pop.

On Track to Xmas: G Scale!

Trains can be toys, too! And G Scale is 1:24. If you calculate you get an actual train of 100 cars to a model over 200 feet long.

Kiboomers list the toys under the tree with territoriality ‘cuz “Santa Put It There for Me.” To the tune of ‘Knick Knack Paddiwack’ we find a doll, a drum, and a train! Kidsong horror. [JunyTony doubles down on this same song, but it’s all for ONE kid. Easy now….]

Thomas the Tank Engine brings on Brit pop for the little toy train that could toot in “The Little Engine Who Believed.” Sodor so adorable.

So horrible is The Christmas Workshop Band with their “Old Christmas Toy” song. Whistling electronics help the nausea of the uncertain lyrics.

My only recourse is to resort to death metal from Soul Contract. “Up on the Housetop” is nearly unrecognizable from them, including giving young Will a train and lots of tracks and a hammer and a whip that cracks. Then run.

On Track to Xmas: Derailment!

Starting out, Chris Walker takes us on a “Christmas Train” ride that is saccharine enough to keep the children bouncing in their seats.

Wobbling a bit, Proletariats Are Making Pizza Book Club And Rock And Roll Band garage pop their “Christmas Train” about holiday cheer. But the vocal tones creep me out.

Savak brings out a drunken Santa to helm the “Christmas Train.” Dreamy reggae pop that poses the question: Is Christmas a lie? Keep your heads down, kids!

Suffering from sickness, being drafted, and the girl taking a break, The New Omelettes celebrate the “Christmas Train” as much as they are able. Power garage, so not so much with the enjoyment. Cool tune, though.

On Track to Xmas: Wrong Side of the Tracks!

Not all Christmas railways are candy striped…

Almost threatening, the alt-rock of Regent Royale in “Tiny Tim – Christmas Train” spits out the word fun like a curse. Proceed with caution.

Zac Hartman’s “All Aboard the Christmas Train” is a long studio session about loss and emptiness. Mopey rap.

Christmas Train” from Men and Machine is rockin’ blues about Santa and Rudolph piloting that rolling hunk of steel your way. Now with harmonica.

Michael Irvine’s “Christmas Train” is capital B blues. Big downer for the holidays. Now with more harmonica.

But the big fret is from DeathTongue’s “Christmas Train.” Santa is on an axe purge, riding the rails from door to door to eliminate the naughty. Or, just all of us. Metal.

On Track to Xmas: Cab Forward!

1950 big band kiddie stuff sounds like “The Christmas Choo Choo Train” by Art Mooney and His Orchestra (feat. Laura Leslie and The Skylarks). Clarinet flourishes.

Chris Walker seems to karaoke “Happy the Train,” a kiddie song about the train that looks forward to Christmas. Jaunty, perhaps even jumpy. Lots of sfx! Pop.

A Magical Christmas Train” is a spiraling pop number with odd segments of authentic folk and childlike reverence. James Coffey burns up the keyboard!

On Track to Xmas: Refill That Firebox!

Santa Train!

Patty Loveless hillbillies the country of her “Santa Train” with all the insouciance of a true Nashville star. Clickety clack!

Blake Shelton twangs the nasal chambers for his own “Santa’s Got a Choo Choo Train.” Lots of country fussin’ for this repeat.

The better reprise is The Tractors’ “Santa Claus is Comin’ (In a Boogie Woogie Choo Choo Train).” This is gold.

Santa’s Train” from Artie Rossi & The Duck Band has a killer sax backup, but this rocker needs to be on the BACK porch.

According to The Hipwaders, Santa is coming down, down, down in “Santa’s Train.” Check out the inventory, this line is loaded. Rock’n’roll, but still a little country.

The Dellatones rockabilly “Santa Special” like they’re having fun. It might be as much fun as i have listening to this party favor. Woo woo!

On Track to Xmas: Milk Run!

Santa’s the engineer!

Snowboys2K14 begin their “Christmas Train” with a little Santa sled pop music breakdown. Then the electronics go SONAR. Finally Santa’s on his way with alternate means. Hooray.

Elfie, from the Christmas Workshop Band, narrates the amateur “Rolling Christmas Train.” This drum-centric pop seems to go ’round and ’round rather than straight to your door from the workshop as is suggested.

Hank Snow tap-dances through “The Christmas Cannonball” without breaking a sweat. In fact, in this square-dancing country doodler, he barely pronounces each word. Ting-a-ling-ling toot toot.

Gargling gravel, Whit Hill and John Latini hit the blues of “Christmas Train” without regard for the children getting their presents from it. Hoo-oo-wee! I mean, look out!

On Track to Xmas: Toot! Toot!

If you’re lucky you might see Santa fly by on the good ol’ “Christmas Train,” as folk-hoarsely mewed by Patrick DeVille. Ragged, but righteous.

Just like the chariot that’s gonna take ye to heaven, There’s a train on the way to Christmas. “The Christmas Train” by Chantal Kreviazuk (feat. Salvador Maida) is a piano recital for Grandma in wistful shades of children’s blues and pop. Somber as all get out.

MG rambles through a children’s huzzah: “Polar Xmas.” It’s not really singing, but it’s not rap either. Pop as a catchall.

Bad Flappin’ Birds concoct an amateur pop adventure to visit Santa. Apart from being unable to navigate the candy cane maze to find the bathroom, they have a jam-packed time (riding the train!) in their “Bad Flappy Holidays.” Catchy as much as weird.

On Track to Xmas: Why to the North Pole, of Course!

Does Santa use a train? Honey, Santa uses it all! That train makes the most commotion with its locomotion, though, so give it some heed.

Ginger St. James sets the mood with her stentorian country: announcing (and whoo whoo-ing) more than singing “Christmas Train.” What a toot!

Ben Browning strains soft rock through a boy band screen to deliver “Christmas Train” into your elevator music queue.

Tom Hanks (and some kids) chortle out “The Polar Express” as a showtune to introduce the uncanny valley of the 2004 movie. Brrr.

Jake Hadrick takes this conceit and murderlizes it with the excessively filtered pop of “Pole Express.” Jump! Escape! Hurry!